#chen au

"I'll be there in thirty, give or take," Jongdae finishes as he dries up his hair.

"Thirty?!? Give or take what exactly, Chen?" Chanyeol bursts from the other end of the call.

Jongdae walks back to his kitchen and toasts two more slices, "Depending on how late she's willing to be."

Chanyeol only groans, knowing full well what his boss meant. He compromises instead with a reminder, "Suho hates dealing late."

Chen scoffs, "Fuck Suho."

Chanyeol cringes, "Maybe leave that to someone else." 

Jongdae takes a moment to eat again. In his silence, he remembers something, "Ya, you need to sell that Nintendo Switch, remember."

"I willllllllll," Chanyeol drags out frustrated, "Sehun already agreed to buy it." There is an audible hmp. "But I don't see why I have to when you won it fair and square in a raffle draw."

Yeah, he won a one in a million supermarket draw. He didn't even try. He was just bored and bought one ticket to shut Chanyeol up. He was too much of s sucker for believing in luck and yet Jongdae seemed to be brimming with it.

"You have to sell it because if even peel the packaging open, you'll jump on it and never stop, moron."

Jongdae can practically hear Chanyeol making faces on the other end as he replies, "Whatever. Thirty minutes," and hangs up.

The man still without a shirt gets a tray and puts on a plate of toast with butter and condensed milk. Jongdae wonders if you like coffee. He decides that you probably do and make you a cup.

After, he walks back to the bedroom, ready to shake you awake.

"Ya," he calls softly and places his hand on your shoulder. He knits his brow when he feels how soft you are. Then, he shakes you a little harder and cocks his head to the side. The hell? He rips the sheets off you only to see a bunch of pillows and your delicious body nowhere in sight.

"Uhhhh---"

Jongdae just got left in his own bed the morning after.

***

"You what?" my co-worker gaped as I told her all about my one-night stand with the man who keeps buying leather shoes in this shop we worked at.

Everyone in this high-end for high-noses mall knew the man. I mean, Mr. Kim only bought in the luxury or designer sections, and everyone knows how slow days here were. We employees have nothing better to do than to gossip around.

And Kim Jondae was the sexy sundae scoop on shopping Sundays that got all the knickers twisted.

"And!" the woman in uniform demanded, grabbing my arm, "did you do anything in the morning?"

I snorted and shook my head, "The hell would we do? He was practically dead when I woke up."

Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth as she gasped, "Oh my gosh, you stood him up!"

"I did not stand him up! I left when I woke up. That's not the same. He's probably done it before, a thousand times. Also I'm probably doing him the favor skipping an awkward morning. I'm sure he's smash headed."

"You said he had a high alcohol tolerance."

"Yeah, but he hit his head hurrying to get in the car."

She squealed upon hearing that.

"I can't believe you banged Kim Jongdae! The girls a Tiffany's will be so jelly." She gasped again. "Wait, what if he comes here? What if he gets angry that you left him? What if he causes a scene?!"

What a friend she was, getting excited over the off chance Jongdae would even spare me a moment.

"Shut up, you know how differently I dress when I'm out."

"Yeah, but..." she drags out a groan, "Jongdae is like super rich. I heard he only buys so many ties in front because he used to hit on Chan-mee while she still worked there. And aparently, he once bought an entire bakery just to get some wench's number. No one's that rich! Scratch that, no one's that good looking and rich and be so low key. He is for sure in the mafia, babe. Even if he didn't recognize you he could track you down."

I thought for a moment her blabbering was just going to be full of her usually fake nonsense, but by the time she made her point, my heart started racing. I mean, shit, I knew this rumor was flying around. I believed it to be honest. But now that I've intimately associated myself with him, it all seems too real.

"Bitch, you're right," I fidget.

"Alright, okay, don't get too panicked because everyone here knows each other and if you suddenly disappear, we all know who we're going to fucking blame."

I shoot her wide eyes. I whisper yell and pull her arm, "BLAMING HIM WON'T MATTER IF I'M DEAD!"

She's about to reply, but then a customer walks in.

We go to our stations and attend to our duties. All the while I just try not to think about it all too much. It works enough to calm me down. 

I'm glad it isn't Sunday, because it means I won't have to deal with that Kim Jongdae.

The next days are anti-climactic, but it's just what I need. I do nothing but remind myself that the police aren't that worthelss, also Jongdae defintely doesn't care about. 

Today at work, I just do whatever it is I always do.

"Okay, don't panic, but Jongdae is about to walk in our shop any second."

My eyes widen at her, but I breath in deeply to calm myself down.

At this point, I had a week to control my thoughts. I came to a conclusion that if Jongdae really wanted anything to do with me, he would've come sooner. And so when he walked in, ushered by my co-worker with a too-friendly smile, I played it off and did what I already was.

But after finishing fixing the display, customer Jongdae did not cooperate on his part and startled me with his figure waiting right behind me. I clenched my chest and sorted myself off, "Sorry sir."

He narrows his eyes, "Have we met before?"

Wh- what kind of que-- 

Part of me wanted tounch him for not knowing who I was. But then again every single time someone from work sees me partying outside, they get so shocked to see me, so I shouldn't be surprised.

My friend was visibly panicking behind Jongdae from afar, flailing her hands around and shaking her head.

I released a short breath and played it off with a chuckle, "Well, I work here, sir. I've been attending to you for a while now."

Though his expression doesn't change, I can't help but think he grew annoyed with my answer. He smacked his lips, "what about outside? Do you like to party? Go to clubs?"

I clench my jaw and gulp at his attempt to corner me, what if he does recognize me? What if this was a ploy? "Uh.... I don't think it's proper to talk about my personal life with my clients, and I'm sure if we had met, I would remember."

He hums, "glad to know I'm unforgetable."

His smirk sends a burst of heat up my face. And by the time he licks his lips the way he did when he took a shot some nights, I darted past him and pretended to get busy.

Jongdae is sure you are a confident liar, as confident as a timid mouse can get. Sure the lights were low and the shadows on your face were darker, but he made so much of it melt of with your own sweat mixed with his. It was messy, but it was such an ego boost. And maybe, with all Jongdae got you to do, you forgot he fucked you in the shower.

He watches with a smug look and turns to my co-worker, "What time do you get off."

Her lips fall. For a moment, my chatty friend has no words, "Uh... 3, your honor."

Jongdae's chuckles and nods. He leaves without another word.

"Your honor?!" I snap at the woman across the room. "What is he, a judge?" I groan and proceed to whisper-yell, "he's a mafia boss, egg head!"

"I'm sorry I panicked when I thought of him strangling me!"

I scoff and cross my arms, feeling possisive jealousy spread on my shoulders, "You were probably excited, you twat."

She squeaked and swooned, "Sorry, he's just so hot, he might as well be a judge and chain me up."

"You're so fucking annoying."

By the time I clocked out and made my way out of the mall, I heard the loud hum of a sports car roll up beside me. I turned to my left, eyes widening, pulse quickening.

"You lied to me," the driver calls, one hand on the steering wheel, the other on the control that brought one of his windows down. "You clearly remember sleeping with me, sweet heart."

His words were clear so there really was no way around it. I could run, but his damn Ferrari probably went zero to 50 in five seconds. And so I did what anyone with a brain would, I stopped walking and turned to him.

He seemed pleased by it. He stopped his car from moving forward as well. 

But what he didn't know what that I could turn around and speed walk the other way. You thought I would talk to you? Haha, let's see how fast he can turn his metal can in a busy, narrow street. Damn, I'm smart.

I was on my way back into he mall when I broke into a gasp as my wrist was tugged.

"What are you doing?" he quips, brows furrowed tightly.

I look at him and his intense stare, feeling more adrenaline rush through my body. Right. He could just run. He waits for a moment, I think to hear an explaination from me. But when I don't speak, his nose flares, "I thought maybe you forgot my name or something, but you and your friend talk much about me, and so I wondered if it was the sex... but I think you enjoyed that too."

My throat ran dry, and my face burned. I turn to my captured limb and try to pull it away. He thankfully releases it, all to move forward and make me fumble back. I hadn't realized he was pushing me back against a tree.

Once I was completely cornered, I thought of screaming, but my voice caught into my throat. Somehow, I managed to croak out his name, "Jongdae."

I don't know why I did it, but maybe it was a good thing, considering he grinned in delight. "That's what I light to hear baby girl."

I whisper, "we're in public."

He chuckles softly, "eager to take this home? I'm still sad that you left me though. Why'd you have to do that? You didn't even kiss me goodbye."

Ar this point, I was getting frustrated, and even angry at his taunting tone, "What do you want from me, Jongdae? I didn't do anything to you."

He frows, "You didn't do anything?" His face hardened and there was anger behind his eyes. Suddenly, I felt helpess and scared because I was helpless and scared.

My eyes were glazing up with tears as it occured to me, no one was going to help.

For a moment, Jongdae looked at me. Fuck, she's scared. 

Maybe it was my mind playing tricks, but I could've sworn his harsh expression slowly melted away.

"You think just because you wore a higher heels, a shorter skirt, and heavier makeup I wouldn't recognize you? I never forget a face. Especially when you're the pretty girl that sells me my favorite shoes."

My breath hitches when he moves back and parts from me.

"I..." he starts and placing his hands in his pockets.

My goodness, was he about to ask me out?

"Can you at least tell me you left because you had to go to work?"

I knit my brows at him. My jaw slacked. What was happening?

"I... really did have go to work," I mutter lowly.

He sighs and pulls out his phone. If there was anything Jongdae could do, it was read people, and you clearly thought nothing good of him.

"Yeah, I changed my mind, I'm going to the meeting now. Of course I'll be late..."

The man turns his heel and walks away. I find myself walking forward and almost calling for him just to demand and explanation. But I bit mt lower lip and remember his car was probably paid by drugs and shut myself up.

“Wow, look what that cat dragged in,” Baekhyun purred the moment the front door opened. “I knew you’d come back for me.”

Yixing rolled his eyes, placing a hand over Baekhyun's mouth quickly and pushing him along down the hallway. Baekhyun visibly struggled and pointed in your direction before he disappeared with Yixing.  

You looked after the two boys, wondering when you would get the chance to speak to Yixing again.  

You needed time to settle before you could even think too much into it though.  

You looked over at Jongdae who was eyeing you nervously. “I guess I’ll find my way to my room,” you mumbled.  

He opened his mouth but closed it again and nodded slowly. He was nervous and you could tell by the way his fingers were picking at the hem of his shirt. The man could be so confident when he needed to but around you, he lacked the ability. You knew that you were the cause of it and it made you fuss with your hands nervously.

The other boys were nowhere to be seen but you assumed they were still in the house since you could smell each of their scents but you had a good inclination that they were going to avoid you for a bit and give you some space.

For that, you were thankful. The last thing you needed was their overwhelming presence when you were trying to steady yourself around Jongdae.

Jongdae didn't follow or speak as you wandered off to your room, but he sighed and you weren't sure if it was relief or annoyance.  

The only thing you had in your hands was one of the flowers from Jongdae. Nothing you had in the life you lived for two years seemed of importance since everything was bought for necessity so you left it all behind. There was nothing to be sentimental about and strangely, you thought this house was more sentimental for you than any other item you owned.  

And well, it felt like home. Especially with the scent of Jongdae and Yixing clouding around you.  

Things with Jongdae may have been complicated, but shit, they were even more complicated with Yixing. The boy you shared a bond with but yet he wasn't your mate was hard to make sense of. Not to mention the fact that his soulmate mark was so eerily close to yours.

At the end of the day, the feelings which you tried two years to fight weren't worth fighting anymore and you undoubtedly loved both of them.

Even so, you knew there was no choice to be made. Jongdae was yours and you were his no matter how much you still felt for Yixing.  

After all, who was the one that brought you back?

…So how did you get over him? How did you move on from the first person you ever loved?

Yixing came into your world in a time of confusion and angst. He showed you love in simplistic and beautiful ways where Jongdae came in with what he thought was a hurricane of romance- it turned out to be a hurricane of asphyxiation. Yixing didn’t make or expect you to love him. With all that being said, maybe it wasn’t true love at all. Was true love founded by just needing comfort? You needed a safe place and Yixing was that.  

With the smell of Yixing dwindling, you thought about getting over him. You stupidly assumed time would be enough and you had plenty of that.  

But in the deep rational recesses of your mind, you also knew there would be a lot of heart ache for what seemed black and white, was filled with vibrant shades of blue.  

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

For two full days you slept and you assumed it was because you were near Jongdae. For the past two years, you never got more than 3 steady hours of sleep but now you slept peacefully. No more painful nightmares haunted you anymore.

Upon waking up with heavy eyes, you were groggy and since the boys hadn’t woken you, you were hungry. Not just for blood but for actual food too.  

Hell, you hadn't remembered the last time you even had blood bank blood or a proper meal.  

You had showered for what seemed like hours that morning and as you cleansed your body, you could no longer feel your bones. All of your curves were returning but you knew that only his or his blood would make your body really repair. The latter of which was no longer an option. Because instead of dreaming the past two nights, you spent your time mulling over what you were going to do with your relationship with Yixing.  

If you were to live this life, you would have to live it peacefully and that would only be done if you left the feelings you had for Yixing behind because almost all you could think about was Jongdae. You could feel his heartbeat while you slept, for crying out loud.

Well, you sometimes felt Yixing’s too… but that wasn’t allowed to be included in your mind.

Jongdae was the only option for healing and while you weren't sure that feeding from him would be something you could handle right now, you had considered it.

It seemed you were miles ahead of where you were two years ago.  

The distance made you love so much harder than when you had been close to him. Leaving Jongdae was a stupid decision and you knew it but it made you come to terms with the way your life had panned out.

After you dressed yourself in some of the clothes that had remained perfectly folded in your dresser, you went to sit down in the chair by the window but a knock to the door startled you.  

Opening it slowly, your eyes touched a face you hadn't recalled seeing in a while. “Kyungsoo,” you said gently.  

He nodded in your direction, Minseok at his side.  

“Minseok,” you greeted.  

“Good morning,” he smiled as he passed you a cup of what could only be blood. “From Dae.”

You took it, wondering what the point in declining was. You took a sip, feeling the warmth slid down your throat as Minseok raised a brow. You shrugged, “I ran for too long,” you responded to the question he hadn’t even needed to ask.

His blood had a way that made your cheeks tingle. Not many times had you drunk the bitter infused blood that belonged to Jongdae. You were more adapted to the sugary sweet that Yixing was. If only you had a taste for sweets but your soul was outlined in dark chocolate and black coffee so Jongdae's blood fell so perfectly in line with your palate.  

“Are you giving up?” he asked.  

“I think running was giving up actually. I don't really see myself as a victim anymore. I had freedom and well…it’s a long story.”

You had freedom but even though you ran, you still stayed close enough to them. You never ran too far because you knew you could and you knew you didn't want Jongdae to die.  

“Can we come in?” Kyungsoo asked, holding a couple of medical supplies.  

Nodding, you let them come in while you sat in the chair by the window. “Go ahead, Kyungsoo,” you gestured to the things he had.

For a moment, he stared at you and maybe he wasn't expecting you to agree to something that hadn't even been explained but then he approached you and sat the supplies down on the table. He surely wasn’t going to question you and you weren’t sure if it was for lack of care of because he just didn’t think much about it.

“Kyungsoo is trained well to take blood,” Minseok explained, “Yixing isn't really in the best shape to do it himself.”

“Why?” concern was sure to be etched into the wrinkles of your frown.  

Minseok looked distressed, “He isn't really healing. He, like Jongdae, didn't do well when you left and while he continued to intake blood, he worsened with Jongdae. You are back and that helped Jongdae but well, Yixing refuses to stay in our house.”

Kyungsoo was in the process of swiping an alcohol pad across your skin when your body jolted forward. “Because I’m here?” the alcohol pad fell to the ground but Kyungsoo ignored it as he opened another one. “What was the point of coming back if I was going to make someone leave?”

“So they didn’t die, Y/N.”

“Yixing won't die just because I leave, Minseok.”

His eyes flitted away, “I’m not trying to stress you out but I think you may… don't make that face - just listen,” he demanded, “I think you may be mated to both of them and Yixing is trying to keep his distance because of that. He wants to prove otherwise but we aren't convinced. Even Jongdae is worried.”

You sighed, clutching your fist as Kyungsoo asked you to do so, “So I sleep for two days and all of this is unearthed?”

“We came to this conclusion a while ago.”

You scoffed, “And nobody came to the conclusion to let me know?”

He stared you down, “You were unreachable – on the run from both of them, what makes you think that even if we could get to you that it would make you come home? When you left, you kind of left the impression that you had no regard for either of them. Regardless of if Yixing is your soulmate or not, you know he loved you.”

Hearing the words out loud from someone like Minseok made them hit even harder. Yes, you knew that you loved Jongdae and Yixing but you tried not to include how Yixing felt in that. Which, you had to add, was entirely thoughtless on your part. To think the feelings went both ways made the implications of your actions hit harder. Everything you did was hanging over you and you felt terrible but, hell, you deserved to feel terrible. Regardless of how you felt, you hadn't taken in account the feelings of those around you. You wanted to blame it on being young but you were old enough to know better. You couldn't decide for someone else if they should have you in their life or not. Especially when they had never done anything to hurt you. Jongdae and Yixing were doing everything to make you happy.  

“I know you have no idea where to go from here but please take my brothers into account with your choices.”

You hadn't even realized that Kyungsoo had pierced your skin when you looked down and saw the red liquid flowing through the syringe and into the vial. “How do I fix anything without hurting one of them?”

Minseok shrugged, “I can’t help you with that much. Maybe you should talk to Jongdae.”

“Speaking of, Y/N, this blood is for him, I assume you know that,” Kyungsoo stated. You nodded in confirmation, “Are you okay if we take some for Yixing?” Without hesitation, you nodded.  

“Let me know if it helps him,” you said softly.

“And if it does?” Minseok pried.  

You sipped on Jongdae's blood, “I haven't really thought that far.”

And you hopped it didn't.  You hopped you hadn't mated with Yixing because you wanted him, you loved him, and he was a good friend to you but at the end of the day if you had to decide who you were more linked to, it was Jongdae. Every thought of it hurt you.

It hurt because you knew that meant you would cause more hurt and you loved Yixing enough that you didn’t want to hurt him.

Things would have been much easier if you hadn't come into their life but there was nothing to change that now. There was nothing to take back the night you should have stayed home to study.

But you had to be honest, would you go back if you could? It seemed your life had more meaning now, even if it hurt.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

Three days of Jongdae's blood and you were back to normal. Or whatever normal was for you at this point.  

Were vampires normal?

It was a bright Monday morning and you could see the warmth of the sun through the blinds and you swore you could feel it from your place in bed.  

Before you could even lift the sheets, a soft knock sounded on your door. Instead of getting up, you just called out, “Come in.”

Jongdae peeked his head in the door, a nervous smile playing on his lips. “Good morning, I’m sorry to bother you this early… uh, I was just wondering if-"

“Jongdae, you can come in,” you said softly.  

You swore you saw his cheeks turn bright red. “Ah.”

He pushed the door open wider slowly and walked in awkwardly while scratching his neck. He was adorned in a black button up with a nice pair of light distressed jeans that fit perfectly over his muscular thighs. He looked good, and you felt your eyes continuing to pass over his body as he waited for you to stop. “I’m sorry,” you words came out in a stutter.  

Jongdae let out a small breath, “I’m sorry for waking you,” he hadn't decided to call you out and for that you were thankful.  

“I was already awake,” you shrugged what should have been nonchalantly but you knew you were stiff as a board.

Jongdae's eyes fell across you as you began to sit up and you watched as he struggled to look away, “I know you just came home a few days ago but I wanted to know if you wanted to go out for breakfast?”

“Go out?”

The slight confidence he had seemed to gain, fell, “I mean, not if you don't want to.”  

Shaking your head, you stood and smiled at him, “No, that sounds really good.”

Jongdae smiled again, “Okay, yeah, that’s awesome. I’ll let you get ready.”

He turned around but before you could leave, you called out for him. He paused, looking at you from over his shoulder, “Yeah?”

“Is this… is it a date?” you asked.

Jongdae quickly shook his head, “No, I mean, not unless that’s what you want. If not, just completely a platonic friendly outing.”

You held his gaze, “I would like if it was a date. I would like to try…that.”

It had been on your mind for a while. When you were away from him, you constantly dreamed of his embrace and affection, so you wondered what it would feel like. You wondered if you could just live happily alongside Jongdae. Surely, you had forever but would it hurt to start now?

“Try?”  

“I want to try to be normal, Jongdae. A normal couple. Even if we have to start from the bottom.”

He wanted to say more but you could tell he held back and for that, you were thankful. “Okay. Everything will be at your pace then, if we’re gonna do this.”

“Maybe it should be at your pace?” you replied quickly as he began walking.  

This time, he laughed softly, “If it's my pace, I will smother you.”

You shook your head, trying to fight the fear and worry deep in your heart, “Smother me then, Jongdae. It's been a long two years and I know we have forever but I want to get everything figured out. I want to feel it all from you because I wasn't giving you a fair shot before.” You walked closer to him, “I don’t think you know this but I was running from you, sure, but I still stayed close. I was calculated, staying far enough away that I deteriorated but I always stayed close enough to keep us alive. I know it's not much considering I hurt us both by staying away and you even more so but it's something you should know. It wasn't the bond that kept me close but it was you. And I want you to know that.”

He reached out before dropping his hand once again, “I knew,” he whispered, “I could have caught you anytime I wanted to. I have to be honest, the only reason I came to you was because Yixing was dying and not because I was. You stayed close enough to keep us alive like you said and while I selfishly wanted you back, I also selflessly wanted you to live how you wanted. Even if it sucked.”

Dying? What did that mean? Yeah, Minseok said he was off bad but he had left out a crucial piece of information.

“He won't tell you for himself but when you left, the effects on him were worse than me. I was still making it every day, even though I was weak, but Yixing was and is starting to lose himself even with being closer to you now.”

You felt your eyes start to water and all you could feel was the deep ache in your chest that told you it was your fault. “I thought, I mean I guess I didn't think. I only imagined it would affect you which is why I tried to stay close. I guess I didn't stay close enough. I don't know what to do to help. The boys told me he was sick but they left out the dying part.”

Jongdae reached forward once more, this time touching your chin gently and sending jolts through your skin. “That being said, I want you to think about everything again. I want you to consider what you want from me and consider how you feel for Yixing.”

“Wait. Are you saying you would just standby if I wanted Yixing?”

He nodded.  

“Jongdae, I love Yixing,” Jongdae tried not to flinch but you saw it and it made you flinch, “don't get me wrong but I want to be with you or at least, that’s what my heart is saying. That being said, I won't let Yixing die but I also know that you are the one I choose if I have to.” And you had to.

Jongdae's hand glided over your cheek, “My worry is I give you my all and you decide you love or want Yixing more. That's my only hesitation. Now, I do love you and it would hurt if you wanted Yixing but I could manage, I think, maybe. If I give you one hundred percent, I can't go back, Y/N.”

And again, you knew you loved Yixing but you knew where your heart was. You knew whose feelings you felt more and you knew who you had thought the most about. That was Jongdae without question. You just had to decide how to help Yixing without being with him.

“I’m going to help Yixing but Jongdae, please give me your all because I fully intend to give my all. I’m not going to consider even pursuing Yixing so don't let me down, either. I don't think I can match your intensity from the start because I’ve never had a relationship with a man like this but if you show me, I can learn.” 

Jongdae nodded unsurely, his fingers pressing against your neck, “I hope you can handle it.”

Your pulse raced against his fingers. “I can.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

He was supposed to take you to breakfast but instead, he took you on a detour.

“I’m not trying to test you or anything. My intentions are good with this, I assure you,” he said as he pulled in front of a bricked house with bright green vines cascading down the sides. “I think you should stay with Yixing for a couple of days.”

Jongdae had parked the car but you remained still in the seat, not looking in his direction. “You brought me out to have me stay with another man? I thought we were going to breakfast?” you weren't upset, but you were confused. You told Jongdae you were sure and while he said he wasn't testing you, it sure felt like it. He was just going to leave you alone with Yixing?

“Listen, he needs help. We just want to know if you can help him. Stay with him a couple days. Figure things out with him while you’re at it,” his expression was pained but he tried to mask it the best he could.  

“We agreed to do this Jongdae. Don't talk like Yixing is still an option.”

His shoulders fell in defeat.

“You don't trust me,” there wasn't a hint of anger in your voice, just sadness as you realized that he didn't and probably wouldn't – shouldn’t, trust you for a while. “So why bring me here? Shouldn't you keep me in your sight?”

“If I trust you, I want to trust you from faith not because I’m keeping you under lock and key. Besides that, I just want my brother to be better and if that means you guys need to hash it out, figure out if you are mated or whatever, I don't care. I just want us to stop suffering.”

You hurt him so much – too much. You wanted the suffering to stop too which is what made you nod your head and grab the car door handle. “Will you be back for me?”

He nodded, “If things work out that way. I just need you to be sure, my love. Please don't spite me for this. I just need us to all be sure before we get in too deep.”

“I think about him occasionally, yes, but I always think about you. Just know that nothing will change that because nothing did before.”

Reaching across, you splayed a hand over his cheek, sparks engulfing your skin. Jongdae jumped from the contact but his hand came up to cup over yours. It was slowly that you moved your lips closer to his and every second that ticked by, you were terrified that he would move but that feeling quickly washed away when you felt him close the distance that remained. His lips engulfed yours as his hands made their way to your cheeks. Your hand dropped from his face to latch itself around his neck as your knee dug into the gear shift that kept the two of you apart. Jongdae let out a noise when you pushed closer to him. He sunk his teeth gently into your lips before pulling away and pressing a kiss to your forehead.  

“Thank you,” he said softly.  

“Thank you for loving me.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

As you climbed the steps to the house that Yixing was staying at, your heart felt heavy. You could feel him the closer you got and it made you nervous.

Upon the realization that you had mated with him, made everything even more confusing especially when you had to take into account the symbol on your hip. The one you were trying hard to ignore and trying even harder to conceal. There was speculation that you had mated with Yixing and there was evidence on your body, even though you pretended there wasn’t.

The dark garnet sparrow had shifted to an amethyst slowly after Yixing had first fed from you. For a while, you thought it was your mind messing with you but when you had finally ran away, you realized how evident the new shade really was.

How could you be mated to two vampires? Hell, it was still hard to believe you were mated to one – for you and all the vampires in the house. Your once human self shouldn’t have been destined for a vampire, let alone two. You defied odds more than you liked and it made you reminiscent on the times you wanted to live quietly. Your sister was the wild one who wanted the thrill of passionate love and you were reserved as you reached out for knowledge. Love was the last thing on your mind and now you were surrounded by so much you swore you may drown in it. And while it didn’t make things better, you knew that was why you had run away.

Life had surely gotten more interesting and in the time you were away, and the short time of being back, you realized that you had wanted love. You wanted Jongdae to engulf you the way he wanted to two years ago. The game changer was being mated to Yixing because you knew that moving on would be even more difficult.  

It made you wonder who you were really meant to be with.

Was life that cut and dry?

Was love that cut and dry?

Did you have someone you were meant to be with?

Was loving Jongdae a coincidence or did it happen because it was supposed to? And loving Yixing? Did you only love him for the space he filled in your life?

You had a lot of questions and while you didn’t ask them to anyone particularly, you knew even if you did that nobody would have an answer. Your heart was the only gateway to answers and it wasn’t always the best at giving you clear answers.  

Before you even reached Yixing’s door, you knew he didn’t want to see you. You felt it in your bones that were currently shaking – well, they felt like they were.

For the record, you wouldn’t have been seeing Yixing had it not been for Jongdae and for the idea that Yixing really was dying. You were really trying to get over him and focus on Jongdae but seeing him would make it harder. Yixing didn’t hurt you, Yixing didn’t do anything to you that you didn’t want nor did he ever treat you ill but not wanting to be with him boiled down to the simple fact of who you thought about more. Jongdae was engrained in your head and it made you feel bad for Yixing. The unsuspecting casual in this battle you never wanted to fight. There was little hope in you that Yixing had a true mate somewhere in the depths of the world. He didn’t deserve not to have one that was solely his.  

You didn’t knock before wrapping your hand around the door knob to the house. What was the point when he wouldn’t answer?

As you turned the door that wasn’t locked, it occurred to you that you had no idea what you were doing here. Jongdae didn’t give you much to work with so you assumed you would at least focus on getting Yixing home and to drink some of your blood. From there, you would see what you all could do.

Mates could just be platonic, couldn’t they?

Platonic wasn’t a word that fit for you and Yixing anymore though and you wondered if there would ever be a time that you could be.

The moment your eyes saw his frail body, you cracked. Tears fell from your eyes and without thinking, you slammed the door and ran over to his slumped figure sitting in the dinning chair. He flinched when you got near so you hesitated, dropping down in front of him.

“Yixing.”

He had seen better days, in fact, you had never seen him in such bad shape.

“What are you doing here?” he managed to creek out.

“What are you doing here?” you copied.

He gave you a look, “Do I answer that?”

“You should come home, you need to heal,” you said gently as you reached out for him. He moved his arm back away from your hand.

“I’ve tried healing here and it’s not working.”

You nodded, “Okay, well you can heal better at home. Where your family is.”

“Where you are,” he corrected. He was being short and withdrawn but what did you expect? You could see exactly what you had done to him.  

“Yixing-”

He shook his head, “No, listen to me. I’m not an idiot, Y/N. I watched Jongdae lose his mind over you for the past two years. Even knowing that you were close and that we could bring you home, he was constantly in a frenzy over you. He cared about nothing – nothing, when you were gone. His hobbies, his family, his work – none of it mattered when you were gone. I watched him heart broken, every second of the day because you wouldn’t come home. And he didn’t want to get you, he wanted you to come but yet, you never did. He was suffering physically and as he did, so did I. I too, was thinking about you often but I don’t know that I was as crazy as Jongdae. I missed you and I was sick, but I wasn’t in the shape he was. Honestly, I know how much he loves you and I’m not sure I will ever compare and that’s saying a lot, because I do love you. I’ve loved you since the second I laid eyes on you and it’s a fucking nightmare. But when you were gone, I hurt a lot less. Now that you’re back, it hurts so bad all over again and I think I’d rather die than feel that way. I’d rather die than hurt because the person I love isn’t meant for me. I don’t know how to handle it, Y/N. I don’t want you healing me and making things better because it just makes me love you more.”

Yixing was eyeing you carefully as he finished speaking. You watched him carefully in response, noting the dark circles under his eyes and how shallow his once full cheeks were. “What do you need from me, Yixing? Tell me how I can make this better.” You had so much you could say, but that was the best thing your mouth and brain could form into a sentence.

“To keep loving Jongdae and don’t offer me another thought.”

“I’m not going to give up on you, Yixing. It’s not that simple. I got us into this mess and I’m going to figure it out now.”

He laughed sadly, “What can you figure out? You didn’t do this, Y/N. This was my fate. I loved you the moment I saw your face in the club a couple years ago. I loved you when I told Jongdae to leave you alone because I thought you were my mate. We aren’t in this mess because of you. I don’t know if anyone can be to blame because of what happened but we can blame how it happened. I never should have let you feed off of me, I shouldn’t have fed off you.”

You shivered at the thought. “And it’s already done. So what can we do now?”

He shrugged. “I just stay away from you. Far.”

“Yixing, you know what happens if mates are away from each other. We will die.” 

Finally, he laid a hand on your arm gently, “Look at me,” he said sadly, “I’ll die. You have Jongdae and look at you, you’re okay.” You wanted to doubt everything. You wanted to doubt being mates, but you weren’t so sure there was a reason to anymore. It was evident that this was the hand you were dealt but that didn’t stop it from hurting.

His hand ignited a spark beneath your skin. You watched the sad expression on his face as he pulled his hand away. Of course he was right and that was something you never considered. You were fine and he was struggling. What it meant though, you weren’t sure.

Yixing readjusted himself in his seat, one of his hands reaching out for you and guiding you to stand. “We mated, Y/N. We have a different bond now but the only difference between us as individuals is that you were already mated which is why, I’m suffering and you are not. Obviously, your soulmate mark changing told you something was off.”

Your eyes snapped to his as you sat down across from him. “How did you know about that?”

“I wasn’t sure until your reaction just now,” an unhappy smile tugged at the corners of his lips, “I’ve been having dreams about it, though.”

And to think you had done so well at keeping it from everyone. “Okay, but humor me,” you started, “What does any of this have to do with you not coming home?” 

“Don’t act like you don’t know the answer to that question.”

You folded your hands in your lap nervously. “I want to hear your words on it. I just want to know why we can’t co-exist in the house and be there for each other. Live platonically. Can’t mates be platonic?”

“Because we aren’t platonic. Maybe mates can be just friends. Maybe there are mates that don’t feel like this. Am I dismissing your feelings when I think you feel the same? Y/N, I can’t promise I love you the way Jongdae does, and I’m not going to act like we have a chance but I know that I do love you and if you feel any fraction of that, that’s why we can’t coexist. How can you love Jongdae if someone like me is there to make you second guess things? Even if you don’t second guess, you’ll try to live without hurting my feelings and that’s not fair.”

Several moments of silence passed.

It wasn’t as if he was wrong.

Coexisting with Yixing was possible to you but you knew if you did you would tiptoe across every action between you and Jongdae and you and Yixing. You knew that you wouldn’t second guess being with Jongdae but somewhere in your heart, you would still yearn for Yixing… but then again, even if you didn’t make things work, you knew you would still yearn for him.

You don’t just stop loving someone, sometimes they shift their role in your life whether it’s good, bad or painful.

“And what, so you’ll die, as you are now?” you questioned, anger arching up your back as you tensed up. “I keep my distance until you are dead?”

He just closed his eyes, “What else do you want me to do?”

Well?  

What did you want him to do?

“C-can we just try?” you stuttered out.  

“Try what? I would rather die, Y/N. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of hurting.”

“All you have to do is intake my blood and let me visit you every couple of days, can’t we do that?” the thought was spur of the moment but you assumed it was better than nothing. It wasn’t as if you could convince him to come home and it wasn’t as if you could all live together if he did come home.

“For the rest of our lives,” he said.  

You raised a brow, “What?”

He looked away, “We would have to do that every couple days for the rest of our lives. I know you’re new to this immortal thing but that’s a long time Y/N.”

“Then we can do it for a long time,” you said firmly.  

He laughed, “Forever is a long time for unrequited love.”

You scoffed, “It's not unrequited,” the words fading out towards the end as you realized you hadn't meant to say that out loud. You hadn’t meant to sting yourself with a slap to the face and you hadn’t meant for it to touch Yixing too.

“But it will be. The more and longer you love Jongdae, the more insignificant I’ll be.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I don't have any solution for this other than just trying. Can we just try to live like this? Should we give up before trying? It's not like we all aren't hurting anyway.”

The one thing you had brought with you, you pushed across the table. A dark blue thermos filled with a couple of dozen ounces of your blood. You just hoped it would be enough to heal the injuries you saw peeking out from underneath his long sleeved shirt. Part of you didn't want your blood to be able to heal him because that meant maybe you weren't actually mated to him – but like he knew, your soulmate mark was a heavy indication of the near definite mateship.

His hand clasped around the thermos, “Thirty days.”

“What?” you questioned with furrowed brows.  

He flipped open the lid, “I’ll do it for thirty days and if this arrangement doesn't work out, I’m going through with my original plan.”

Once the lip of the thermos was against his lips and you saw the red stain his lips, you crossed your arms, “I'm not going to let you off yourself. I’m not going to let you cause harm to yourself and if you were in my shoes, you would feel the same way.”

Yixing scoffed as he continued to drink. It didn't take long for his skin to start rejuvenating, especially with the power of healing that he had. It was beautiful to see his skin return to the shade it once had been and the light returning to his hair.  

Once he had finished the last bit, he pushed the thermos back towards you. “You should go.”

“Yixing-"

“Please. You’ve done all you can to help right now. Come back in a couple of days.”

You wanted to be friends. You really did. But you also knew it would be hard, if not impossible right now.  

It would be hard when you were trying so desperately to love Jongdae while saving the man who saved you.  

To avoid causing any more pain, you grabbed the thermos and nodded. “Okay but you have to promise me that I have thirty days and you won't do anything stupid in that time.”

“What could I do? Run away like you did?”

You shot him a glance but you couldn’t be mad when he tested your limits on that. “Yes. Like you basically already have.”

He stood, gesturing towards the door, “You have thirty days. I’ll be here for all of them though. Don't expect me to come home and let the boys know that as well.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽ 

What exactly were you going to prove to him in thirty days? It's not as if you had some master plan. All you were going to do was bring him blood and provide him with some company for about an hour every couple of days. You had no plan to mend your hearts but you hoped that there would be something you could figure out. There had to be a way for you to all live happily together.  

There also wasn't a way you could force someone to get over you. Or to force yourself to get over them.  

Jongdae helped with the latter though. That night after seeing Yixing, you felt drained and Jongdae took you out to dinner.  

It wasn't overly fancy for which you were thankful but it was a nice enough local restaurant that they served red wine which had become one of your favorite drinks when you spent your years away from Jongdae.  

It was the only thing that could help the ache in your heart.  

You sipped greedily while Jongdae watched you with a smile. “I didn't know you were quite the wine enthusiast that you are.”

You sat the glass down, twirling it in between your fingers on the table, “It's a new thing for me. It's a weird feeling when I drink. I think it's almost more like a high than a drunken state. Which is not what I remember it being when I wasn’t, well,” you gestured to your body, “like this.”

Jongdae hummed, “I always wondered what being drunk was like. For us, alcohol doesn't have the effect that it has on humans. We don't throw up or lose control. Like you said, it's more of a euphoria. Like sitting on a cloud.”

You laughed quietly, “Have you sat on a cloud?”

He narrowed his eyes, ”No, but if I had, I assume if would feel a certain way.”

Shaking a hand at him, you smiled, “That's like the opposite of being drunk. When you’re drunk everything feels funny. The world around you is spinning, you can't control what you say or do, and you almost always hit the ground hard. There is a small high but always a big low. Getting drunk will make you feel really bad at the end of the night. Well, for humans. It's hard to explain.”

“And you have a lot of experience with this?” he asked with a curious smile. “I thought you always had your head in a book?”

A smile ghosted your lips for a moment, “Some nights I just really missed my parents and I wanted to numb everything. I only did it a couple times because I realized every time that it would only make me feel worse. I’d have flash backs and miss them even more.”

He sighed, “I’m really sorry. Weren't you scared that would happen again?”

Looking down at the wine glass, you shook your head, “When I was away from you, I kind of needed to see them. Of course, I was slightly disappointed that alcohol didn't affect me the same way anymore but I realized it was for the best. I have a long time left to live without needing to live in agony.”

“I’m sure it's hard without your family. My parents are very distant with me and the boys. They aren't the nurturing type but regardless, it’s always nice to see them. I couldn't imagine not having that option.” For a moment, he reached out to calm your other hand that was shaking nervously against the table, but he stopped going to place it back on his lap underneath the table. You stopped him, reached out and grabbing his hand with your shaking one. The sparks made chills wash down your spine as Jongdae relaxed.  

“I told you, you don't have to hold back,” you whispered. “I'm not afraid anymore.” But you knew the last part was a lie. You were scared. Scared to love and scared to be loved since it wasn't something you ever accepted lightly. But it was no longer Jongdae that you were afraid of. You trusted him somehow. And maybe it was because he took you to Yixing, maybe it was because he let you run away and only came after you because Yixing was dying.  

If anything, Jongdae had done more to earn your trust than to destroy it.  

He only made one mistake and that was by turning you – which was more an accident than mistake now that you looked back on it. What could he have done differently – fate had locked this in a long time ago, it seemed.

“Maybe I’m afraid, Y/N. Have you considered that?” he teased but you could see a sliver of truth through the space between his lips.

“Don't be. I returned quickly from him didn't I?”

He nodded once, “You did.”

“Do you know why?”

“Because he made you leave?”

You cracked a grin, “Okay, that is part of it.”

He rubbed a thumb across the back of your knuckles, “What's the other part?”

“I missed you.”

His eyes darkened as a small spread across his face but it dwindled as he looked at you for a moment. “I’ve always been worried…” he trailed off momentarily. “I know I always told you I loved you because of you and not because of the bond. I worry that you won’t love me for anything other than the bond. So I’m going to do everything I can to make you love me for me.”

You squeezed his hand, “Thank you for that but it seems like you’re already doing a good job at that”.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽ 

You slid the thermos over to Yixing and he gave you a nod, “You can go.”

Glaring at him, you clenched your fists. It was slightly enraging you that he wasn’t trying to continue your friendship but you knew you had to keep it in. Your feelings weren’t fair. You weren’t allowed to feel anything close to anger when it came to Yixing. You did this to him. You had caused this. And fuck, did it hurt and just intensified all the anger you shouldn’t have been feeling in the first place.

“Y/N,” he said firmly, “Go.” His hand gesturing towards the door.  

No “Hi, how are you?”, no “How’s the new job?” nothing other than “Go”.

It stung. You felt the brunt of it as you watched him look away when you went to the door, his face expression neutral. Surely, it was part of the ruse. He wanted nothing between the two of you since love couldn’t exist and you forced yourself to understand.  

While you would make the friendship work the best you could, you knew he couldn’t see it that way. He slept alone at night and you had started to share a bed with Jongdae – things were just different. If it wasn’t love, what did Yixing get from you? What could he get from you if not your love?  

It was apparent, that you had nothing to offer him.

Maybe if you could have remained as just friends then you could offer him companionship but companionship with someone you love or loved wasn’t easy.

Every thorn that stuck out from the broken bond between you and Yixing was sticking straight into your heart. Even after leaving him, you had an echo of pain. 

If it would have been possible, maybe you could have died from the pain of Yixing’s pain. He really was your mate because every sting of pain he felt, you felt too. It was as if everything you felt had a drop shadow and it was etching deeply into your skin.

He feigned indifference but you felt the opposite of that and maybe that’s what made it hurt more.

That night, you cried in Jongdae's arms. It was the third time you had delivered blood to Yixing and you almost didn’t want to go back. Jongdae held you as you shook with agony and you know it scared him because you could hear the nervous tick in his breathing as he tried to rub your back to calm you. Jongdae may have been your mate, but there were things he didn’t know about you like how to calm your antics. The only person who knew was your sister and Yixing. Which only made you cry more.

Eventually, after two more bad visits to Yixing, Jongdae picked up on his own way to ease your tears and panic attacks. He had to hold you so tight that he could nearly break you before your breathing would slow and the tears would start to dry. Gentle kisses to your wrists were the final calming seal to his remedy and for the night, you would be over crying over Zhang Yixing.  

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽ 

When you weren’t being a blood bank for Yixing, you worked at a children’s hospital in the neonatal unit.

The job had presented itself and while originally Yixing was going to give you a good recommendation for a hospital, this one found you.  

Jongdae was enthusiastic to watch you live the passions you had always dreamed of and you couldn’t help but notice how he stared lovingly at you when you told him about your day. Regardless if that day was spent with hope or agony, you always spent your night in his arms. Sometimes crying and sometimes laughing.

Realizing how fragile human life was, was painful and it made you reach out to your sister who Jongin had no problem hunting down. It had been so long since you had gotten in contact with her, that she moved cities in fear that you wanted your space from her. In the time, she had occupied herself with working as a hair dresser. Thankfully, she was doing okay and you realized with a huge huff of relief that you loved your sister. You didn’t always agree with her and the two of you had your differences but being away from her for so long reminded you just how much you needed her. She was all you had left of your parents and you needed to cling to each other. Although, you wondered how the vampire thing would affect things.

You made a point that you would visit her soon and you had high hopes that maybe at this point in your life, you and your sister could really connect. She was all you really had underneath the cloak that was vampirism.

“Jongdae, do you want to visit my sister for a couple of days next week? I know it’s really spur of the moment-" the words were coming out in a jumbled and panicked mess.

He looked at you over the book he had been reading, his eyes soft and glistening, “You want me to go on a trip with you?”

As you nodded, the book slowly slipped down into his lap. “She doesn’t live far and I think it would be nice to reconnect.”

He nodded, “Okay. I’ll look into the area to see what I can do while you guys visit.”

Before he could pick up his book, you cleared your throat, “I was going to introduce you to her.”

Jongdae froze, expression stuck midway in an unreadable look. “What?”

You scratched the back of your neck, “I know I’ve only been home for a couple of weeks but I’d like to introduce you to her. I don’t think I should really hide you at this point.”

“As what?” he paused.  

“What?”

Jongdae licked his lips nervously, drawing your attention to his sharp lips. “Like what are you going to introduce me as?”

“As my boyfriend?” you asked in response.

He blinked rapidly, “Oo-kay.”

You froze, “Should I not?”

He shook his head frantically, standing and the book smacking against the ground, “No, no. You should.”

You stepped towards him, “Are you my boyfriend?” you asked in confusion.

A nervous but steady laugh sounded in his throat, bubbling past his lips. “Do you want me to be?”

This time he took a step forward as you avoided eye contact and a small, “Yes,” escaped.  

“I’ve never really been a boyfriend,” you heard him smile as his hands clasped your cheeks and pulled your gaze up, “but I assume it’s no different than being mates. Although, I guess if we have a human title, I’ll have to turn up the romance, right?”

You swallowed and shrugged your shoulders.

“Does that make you nervous? Romance with me?”

You shook your head, “You make me nervous,” you whispered.  

There was a small growl that came from Jongdae as he pulled your lips less than an inch away from his. You were holding your breath for a moment, but exhaled as you moved forward and pecked Jongdae on the lips. He smiled in surprise and rubbed your cheeks tenderly in response, “You make me nervous too.” He pulled you into a tight hug, “What makes me even more nervous is meeting your sister. I’ve never met family before. I feel like I should as for her blessing or something.”

And you just laughed as you pressed your face against his chest, “I think it’s a little late for that.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽ 

You visited Yixing that day, and this made the eight time you had seen him in the three weeks you had been home. He was colder somehow each time but yet, you were happy to see how filled out he was. He didn’t give you much time to spend around him, but your blood was taking care of most of his ailments.  

You clutched the thermos in your hands nervously. You were seeing him about two to three times a week so it had been a couple of days since you last came.

You opened his door easily, walking slowly into the hall and slipping your shoes off but something made you stop. Your hands gripped the thermos tighter as this time you smelled someone that wasn’t Yixing. Someone you had never smelled before. You slowly raised your head and were met with dark doe like eyes and light hair. He smiled at you but the smile was one of confusion and you couldn’t bring yourself to mirror it.  

“Y/N,” he called easily.

The thermos dropped from your hands, Yixing appeared and caught it before it could clatter against the ground. You caught his gaze, his once gentle eyes were constantly harsh on you and you had to force your fingers to clasp the thin fabric of your pants to avoid trying to touch his face. He was close, probably the closest he had been in a while and it had you shuttering.  

But you weren’t shuttering because it was nice for him to be near, you were shuttering because it ached. You felt his pain bouncing off inside your head and flushing straight down into your heart. You felt your own agony twisting and tightening with his and it made you want to grab your throat to stop the feeling of your esophagus closing in.

He moved away quickly though, his scent breezing heavily over your face as he moved. “Go now,” was all that fell from his lips as he turned his back to you. Maybe if he could look at you it wouldn’t feel like he was stepping on your chest. The more he fought his true feelings the more the echoes hurt.

The other man cocked his head, “Let her stay for a moment, Yixing.”

He shook his head, “For what?”

The other man sighed, and began to whisper furiously.  

You were frozen in your spot, unable to slip your feet back into your shoes as you watched the banter.  

It took only a moment for Yixing to send chills down your body by roaring, “Go.” His voice caused you to jump and the anger that he was exuding, coursed through your veins.

The other man smiled at you sympathetically, tightly closed his lips and then waved at you.

You couldn’t even manage to put your shoes back on, so you picked them up as your tears dripped onto his tile entryway and you fled, leaving the door wide open in your wake.  

“That was mean,” you heard the strange man hiss. “Did you have to make her cry?”

But you knew this is what you deserved. You couldn’t even fight back because at least Yixing was alive and well. At least he was following your request for the full month but you knew, the time was nearing an end and with the looks of things, you didn’t know what was going to happen.

You could feel both of you aching but even so, you didn’t want the easy way out. You wanted Yixing to hang on but as you thought about it, did you want him to hang on selfishly?  

You got home in a fury of tears. Baekhyun was the first one to see you, equipped with a remark about your short shorts when he froze mid cat call upon seeing your tears. He dropped the bagel he was holding and shook his hands like he didn’t know what to do. You tried to avoid his gaze as you hurried up the stairs and straight into Jongdae’s arms that were unfolded as he rushed out of his room.

“Does he have to be that cruel?” you heard Baekhyun ask from downstairs.

“Says you,” Sehun snorted.

Minseok sighed, “I guess he does. He says he is doing well now but he doesn’t seem like himself. We are going to have to-”

Before you could hear anything else, Jongdae pulled you into his room. “My sweet Primrose, why does he hurt you so much?” He sat on the edge of his bed and pulled you onto his lap.

“I deserve it,” you muttered against his neck as you nuzzled into it.

He scoffed, “You have done nothing to deserve it. Okay? Yes, you hurt both he and I, yes you ran away from us, yes you mated and fell in love with him, but Y/N, was any of it purposeful? You didn’t run away on purpose; you didn’t hurt us on purpose. You were scared. You were human for twenty years of your life. The life with us was overwhelming, I get it. I was upset, mad at times and maybe my trust is a bit broken but never have I thought that you didn’t have the right to any of your reactions or feelings.” You pressed a gentle kiss to his neck as he spoke. “Besides, Yixing is grown, he knew what was going on just as well as you did – if not more. He knew the outcome but preceded with his actions. You do not deserve him shutting you out.”

You pondered on his words for a moment before speaking, “Maybe I do though. Maybe it’s the only way he can get over me.”

“So? What about you getting over him? What if this method doesn’t work the same for you? This is all selfish actions on his part.”

You pulled back and looked at Jongdae, catching his deep and serious gaze. “But we say that from the comfort of each other's arms. Are you biased because you care for me and are watching me in pain?”

“I may be biased because I love you but I’m also biased because this is not how I would have handled the situation.”

You shrugged; your eyes still wet with tears. “I’m hurting but I’m not sure how mad I can be at him for it. I don’t know if it’s changing my feelings for him though, so if that’s the goal, it isn’t working. If it changes his feelings for me, maybe it’s what he wanted.”

Jongdae slides his hands underneath your shirt, sparks igniting against the cells of the skin on your back as his fingers travel up your spine. “We have to live like this for a long time, how long is he going to be causing you this pain for his own volition?”

You shivered at his rapidly moving touch, “Who knows. You’ve been really good at comforting me since, though.”

“For the woman I love, I will do anything.”

Pausing for a moment, you thought. Jongdae and you had made a lot of improvements in your relationship and you had felt ungodly safe with him lately. Maybe it was the situation with Yixing, maybe it was just Jongdae but you felt different. You were enjoying being engulfed by Jongdae even if he hadn’t smothered you all the way he said he would. He was going easy on you and for once, you wanted him to be a little less gentle. You weren’t sure if Jongdae was drinking enough to be satiated but you knew you were increasingly giving Yixing more blood and it was making it harder for Kyungsoo to get enough since you hadn’t been drinking enough from Jongdae either.

There were several times when Jongdae offered to feed you but there had been very few where you had offered for Jongdae to feed from you and it just felt right in that moment.  

You didn’t give yourself time to think too much into it before you lifted both of your hands to cup Jongdae’s face. He smiled in surprise. “Would you want to feed from me?”

The smile went flat, nearly falling from his face, “What?”

“I want you to feed from me.”

His eyes widened in shock as everything from before started to come to his head. Last time he fed from you, you fled. You knew you were asking something terrifying but you hoped he had gained enough trust to know this time you weren’t going anywhere. You genuinely liked Jongdae, your vampire boyfriend/mate that you were learning so much about. He was the softest, sweetest and most passionate vampire that ever existed you thought. He was gentle with your feelings and was always so quick to make sure you were okay.

This time you wouldn’t leave and you didn’t know how you could say that to him. You weren’t scared of anything other than hurting Jongdae at that point.

“Baby,” he said gently, causing you to have a fit of chills as he used a pet name you hadn’t heard in so long, “Is that really something you want?”

Pressing a gentle quick peck to his lips, you smiled, “Yes.”

He nodded slowly, “Okay. This is something that will be at your pace though because if I take it at mine, I will surely scare you away. I’m not losing you again,” you began to protest but he shook his head, “Uh, uh, don’t even bother.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

You kissed him once again and his fingers dug into your spine as he let out a groan.  

“But not like this.” Jongdae pulled you back to the headboard of the bed, he leaned back against it, situating you on top of him, either of your thighs pressed into the sides of his. “This is how I want to feed,” he said with a smile.

You scoffed, “I thought you said my pace.”

He raised a brow, “Do you get to pick the position I feed in? You’re offering up your blood after all.” He leaned forward, kissing your ear before whispering, “is there another way you’d prefer me?”

You swallowed a moan as you felt yourself clench in response. Quickly, you shook your head and offered your neck to him.  

“No foreplay, you just want to get straight to business?” he asked with hooded eyes.

You were trembling underneath the touch he hadn’t even placed on your skin so when he actually put one hand on your waist and one hand on your shoulder, you thought you would crumble.

“You ready, my love?”

You let out a small, “yes” and Jongdae’s fangs pressed gently against the skin of your neck. He teasingly ran them over the skin there several times, giving you hundreds of thousands of goose bumps.

“You smell so divine, it is such a pleasure to be this close to you,” he whispered before kissing your skin and then piercing his fangs through your skin.

Euphoria washed over you as you leaned further into Jongdae, feeling his growing member beneath you. He let out a moan as his arm fully snaked around your waist and pulled you closer to him. You were dizzy but in the best way as your lips pressed kisses to where they could while he continued to feed. Your thighs ached as you felt wetness soak your thin underwear and there was no denying that Jongdae with his vampiric senses would notice and you knew he did the moment, he groaned so loudly you figured the whole house could hear it. He was rock hard beneath you and it was turning you on even more, causing you to attempt to squeeze your thigh together but just squeezing around Jongdae in return. You swore you could cum just from the feeling of his fangs inside you and your core wouldn’t stop tingling. It was the most you had ever felt from a feeding yet and it was driving you crazy. You wanted to rip Jongdae’s clothes off and fighting the urge was getting harder.

Finally, and disappointingly, he pulled away. Groaning and try his best not to thrust his hips up into you. He was dazed when you pulled your face to his so he could kiss you. His tongue immediately shot out to cradle yours and you tasted your blood on him. You couldn’t pinpoint its taste so you made a note to ask Jongdae about it later. You wondered what you tasted like to him.

“Your turn,” he panted when he finally pulled away.

“What?” You asked in a bout of confusion, head fuzzy.

“Please bite me, baby.”

Rolling you over, Jongdae pressed you into the mattress and exposed his neck to you. “Press your fangs into me. I want to feel it, please.”

It didn’t take much more coaxing before you pressed your lips hard against the soft skin of his neck.  

“Bite me,” he commanded with a harsh voice that held no sense of patience.  

You obliged almost as if you were under his spell, biting hard and fast as your fangs sunk into his beautiful skin. You sighed the moment you tasted how bitterly sweet Jongdae was. Jongdae couldn’t hold back the urge to moan your name or maybe you thought, he didn’t try to hold it. Surely you loved when he called you love or his Primrose admittedly, but you really loved hearing your name on his lips. Especially like this.

It was different than the way anyone had ever said it and it made the sparks that jolted against you when he touched you, ignite you from the inside out. You breathed in heavily, taking in his scent while tasting him and you were sure you could overload just on that. He whined above you, causing your body to convulse in response. He couldn’t hold back from thrusting against you when your tongue brushed against the skin on his neck and immediately, he apologized, his voice thickly laced remorse and arousal in the hardest battle for his sanity. You didn’t need the apology as you tried to roll your hips up towards him, which made his lips let out the prettiest curse you swore you had ever heard.  

It took every fiber of your vampiric - and left over human being to try to stop yourself. There wasn’t much of a reason behind the impulse to stop but even if the blood sharing drove you to lust, you decided that when you would be intimate with Jongdae again, at least for the first time, you didn’t want blood to play a factor. Things may have started with blood but that didn’t mean it had to revolve around it. You wanted to desperately love Jongdae as humanly as you could and since you never got to fall in love with him as a human, you still wanted to experience it the best you could.

You couldn’t forsake being a vampire but that didn’t mean you had to forsake the human parts of you that still existed. The human parts of you that just wanted to fall in love purely.  

Maybe it’s because you worried the vampire part of you was all that fell in love with Yixing… or maybe that was your human part. You weren’t sure of much anymore.  

You were just sure that you wanted to remember what being human was like and that was enough to help you move away even though Jongdae’s blood was urging you to continue.  

Pulling away with a heavy gasp for air, you met Jongdae’s eyes. For a moment, he was covered in a dazed expression but as it faded, he smiled at you and then pressed a gentle kiss to your lips.  

“What are you smiling about?” you said narrowing your gaze but not being able to hide the smile that grew over your blood stained lips the Jongdae proceeded to wipe with his thumb.  

“The amount of control you instill in me,” he looked off into the distance for a moment before looking back over at you, “I know that I didn’t have control when we met, but I’m learning now…” he trailed off and sorrow passed over his face, “I’m sorry about that by the way.”

You hummed, “For turning me?”

He simply nodded and bit his bottom lip with his still extended fangs.  

“Yeah. I wonder how different things would be if I were still human.”

“Do you miss it?” he asked in a near whisper.

Pursing your lips, you shrugged. “I know I did at first but I’m not exactly sure why. Why was I so obsessed with being human? Humanity is what killed my parents after all and the more time that passes, the more I’m okay with it, I guess. The blood part and mate, still hard to adapt to but I mean, you felt for the place on your hip, “I guess this is what was meant for me.”

His eyes darted down to your hip where the amethyst sparrow that neither of you wanted to physically see in the moment was. It was too hard to see the deep shade of purple it had become over the past two years. “I’ve always wondered about that, you know? Like why was a human my soulmate? I’ve tried to do my research but Minseok is the one who has the time to knowledge base to find out more. We have met several vampire mate pairs, all of which natural born vampires but it’s not like any of us have met our mates yet so maybe we’re different or maybe you’re different?” He pondered for a moment before slipping off of you and sliding down next to you, pulling you into his chest without any sort of protests from you. “Are you sure your parents were both human?”

Furrowing your brows, you stared up at what you could see of his face, “I don’t know much about vampires but I know enough that inter-species can’t conceive together.”

“It’s not heard of but neither was a vampire and human mate pair.”

You let out a shaky sigh, “To find out about why we exist like this, I think we'd have to look into my parents life and death and I don’t know that I want to do that. I’m sure though, maybe it would help. Maybe something is different and that’s why… that’s why…” you shivered. “I mated with Yixing too.”

You felt Jongdae tense for a moment. “Yes. Maybe it has to do with that.”

And then a light came on as you pulled away from Jongdae, nearly jolting out of bed, “Maybe we can find out and stop Yixing from doing something stupid. Maybe we can break whatever this is, without hurting each other and figure out what to do and if Yixing has another mate? Maybe I’m a glitch and something screwed up Yixing because of me.” You were up and pacing the floor of Jongdae’s room, continuously sticking your finger in the air as more came to you.

Jongdae smiled, coming to meet you and grab your hands, “You said you’re a glitch and screwed up Yixing.”

You raised a brow, “And?”

“You didn’t say anything about me.”

Your eyes narrowed, “Jongdae?”

He let out a sigh Of relief, “You don’t think we’re a glitch or a mistake.”

Laughing, you squeezed his hands, “Of course not.”

He nodded and you realized what he was getting at. He pressed an excited kiss to your lips, “I’m not worried about you and him anymore. You love me. I can feel it. You believe this is as real as I do now.” And you knew he could feel it because having a mate made you sense things about them and it made your heart flutter because it was true. You loved him and believed things with him were meant to be. You believed that this was your fate and that somewhere Yixing got mixed up in the mess.  

But like you could sense and feel Jongdae’s feelings, you could feel Yixing's because you had definitely mated with him in a mix-up and you started to feel pain. You pushed it back the best you could though, because Jongdae was happy and you wanted him to continue to be happy.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽ 

The next time you saw Yixing, things felt different. Your counted every step as your heels hit the ground and your hands shook nervously – those were all normal things. Seeing him made you nervous because he had been rejecting you so harshly since you came home. What was different was the air. Everything felt much more heavy but you stupidly decided to ignore it, and well, you ignored it for a long while.

Your fist raised midair to knock but you were surprised when the door opened and you were met with Yixing. He looked rough but you tried not to meet his eyes as you held the thermos with the least amount of skin that you could, barely any tips of your fingers touching the steel.  

His eyes shot down to the thermos and you extended it further out to him. “I’ll just go as soon as you take it.” You knew you wouldn’t be able to give him much time to heal if you did but what else could you do? Could you fight him every time he forced you to go? No, you couldn’t and you wouldn’t.  You were doing your best and while you had caused this chain of events, you were trying to make things better. You couldn’t continue to live in the past where you made mistakes because it you did, you would never live forward.  

“You don’t have to go yet,” he replied softly. “Stay a moment.” He grabbed the thermos from you and gestured for you to come inside, making you flinch in the process.  

Frozen, you finally caught his eyes. The bags were accented with deep purples as Yixing hadn’t got to heal the way he should since he wished you away before you so much as said a single word.  

Slowly after he walked inside, you followed after him.  

For a moment, he smiled. It wasn’t enough for the dimples in his cheeks to show but it was enough to give your twisted stomach a glimmer of hope in the dark tunnel you felt sucked into.  

“I want to say I really appreciate you bringing me blood so often,” he said as the two of you stood in his living room. “It’s been really helpful.”

You nodded slowly, “That’s kind of my job…” you trailed off shifting your weight from one foot to another. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched Yixing drink down the thermos gratefully. Your stomach continued to twist as he finished off what was left of your blood and the silence feel over you like a drawn curtain.  

He let out a sigh of relief, “I’m sorry.”

Your gaze shot over to him, “What did you say?” you squinted in his direction as if he was the bright sun beaming down on you.  

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay? Is this a general apology? I’m confused.”

He smiled, almost as if he was peaceful, “Don’t be. I’m sorry for everything. Past, present, future.” The last word coming out slowly.

You nodded once and then twice. “I’m sorry as well.”

But the conversation stopped there because that’s all he needed to hear before enveloping you in a hair raising hug.  His scent was the same as it always was and it made your heart race. You didn’t feel at peace in his arms the way you made have in the past but you still felt all of Yixing's emotions and you were sure he felt all of your conflicting ones. Love, regret, pain, sorrow, forgiveness. You weren’t sure what was the strongest emotion of his but you knew that yours was sorrow. Sorrow because you couldn’t love him enough. Sorrow that you hadn’t yet figured out what was going on and how to fix Yixing but you didn’t miss the small portion of you that held hope. Hope that fixing Yixing would be quick because you didn’t want him to hurt anymore and you didn’t want to either.  

When he pulled away, you watched as his brows furrowed and furrowed a couple times before he held your gaze tightly. “I really really loved you.”

You wanted to ask why it was past tense but you figured that it was best to leave that hanging in the sky with the rest of the questions you never had the courage to ask.

And then he leaned in and you felt all the breath in your lungs escape.  

Yixing was trying to kiss you.

You sucked air back in, in a quick huff. “Yixing,” you said gently before turning away from him.  

Disappointment was the next emotion you felt and then after several seconds, relief. His lips pressed firmly against your cheek after what you were sure was internal debate.  

“That helps,” he said to himself.  

When he backed away from you, you felt like your heart was going to leap from your chest. Your palm pressed against it. “What helps?” you asked.  

He just nodded and you wondered just what the fuck had come over Yixing.  

When you looked at him, he looked nearly better. Almost perfectly well but behind the health and the smile he portrayed, you knew that he was nervous and it made you nervous.  

“I should get going,” you said before he could force you out.  

And with one last look at exasperated but smiling Yixing, you turned on your heels and hurried away from his apartment.  

Suddenly, you didn’t want to see him any time soon.  

The kiss had left you feeling weird and you thanked every single fiber in your body that you turned away because you could never forgive yourself if you let him kiss you in any other way than what he did. You could never face Jongdae if you broke the trust you just gained.  

Sighing, you went home and prepared for your trip as your stomach gurgled nervously.  

A storm was coming.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽ 

You saw your sister for the first time in what seemed like forever and you couldn’t help but run towards her, arms outstretched as you left Jongdae behind, carrying your bags and letting out a small laugh.  

She hugged you tightly as she pressed a gentle kiss to your cheek in the same place Yixing had.  

You guys had never been incredibly close but it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing she had ever done mattered because even though she was broken and you had a broken relationship then, it was now and now you truly had an idea of how important family was.  

Looking over your shoulder, you knew she had caught the glance of Jongdae the boy she hadn’t heard much about but somehow she called out his name and both of you looked at her in surprise. You pulled back from her as she regarded him with eyes you could only explain as those of a mother who just saw her first grandchild.

Jongdae outstretched a hand to your sister, shaking it firmly and giving her a wicked happy smile. “I’m Jongdae, Y/N's-"

“Mate,” she finished for him.  

Your hand clasped over your mouth before you froze, looking at Jongdae in worry.  

“I know about the two of you. I know what you are,” she rolled her neck around, “I have hunter blood after all.” She said as if it was supposed to mean something.  

Jongdae let out a shaky sigh, “You’re a hunter?” he looked back at you in fear, grabbing you and bringing you close to his side.  

She scoffed, “Hunter blood, Jongdae. Not a hunter. Let’s go sit down and have a chat,” she urged as she led the way out of the airport.  

Jongdae wrapped an arm around you tightly and followed your sister, “I have no idea what’s going on.” He answered the questioned you hadn’t even managed to get out.  

“How does my sister know what we are? What does she mean hunter blood Jongdae?”

“Vampire hunters are real, Y/N but it’s not a choice, it’s something your born as. Almost not human although they are exactly that. The difference is strength and the intense desire and willpower to kill us.”

You had so many questions but Jongdae shushed you before you could ask anymore.  

It was silent the whole ride until you arrived at your sister’s house. It was surprisingly extravagant for her and you wondered who she had hooked around her pinky to get that kind of hookup. You immediately cursed the thought though, you needed to stop so harshly judging your sister.

She had you guys sit across from her on her couch as she sat in an armchair, crossing her long legs over each other. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

“Are you intending any harm on her?” Jongdae asked curtly.  

Your sister huffed, “She’s my sister. Whether we are half blood or not, she’s my sister. We have the same blood regardless – yes, hunter blood.”

“I don’t understand,” Jongdae said.  

You rubbed your eyes a couple of times, not understanding anything that had even transpired since after you hugged your sister in the airport.  

“I guess I should start from the beginning,” she let out a sigh, “I’m sorry we have to relive their death for a moment, sis. Settle in,” she gestured to the two of you who were practically on the edges of your seats, “this may be a bit of a story.”

You braced yourself.  

“We will start back with our lineage. We come from a long standing line of some of the most successful Hunters, which oddly enough was our birth last names. I was born six years before my sister to our mother and my father. Our mother had long forsaken the hunter life years before I was born after meeting a Lord vampire. I’m not exactly sure how they became close but they did and somehow even though our mother loved him, she still married a Hunter who actively was hunting when she got pregnant. Unknown to her, of course. He tricked her. Pretended to be different to get close to her for the Lord vampire but well, this Lord was strong and when I was two, my father was killed by him. From there, our mother had become closer to the Lord that had killed our father. Even though he killed the father of her child, she loved him. To her, it was a service since she didn’t want the Hunter life and it was all my father wanted. It was easy to say she was in love with the Lord but yet, three years later she was pregnant with my Uncles baby. The man who looked just like my father but was sweet as any person could ever be. He didn’t want to hunt and even he, became somewhat of a companion to the Lord vampire. The defied odds and were probably the first Hunter-Vampire friends to exist. They were like closer than blood could ever make someone. They were closer to the Lord than they had been to each other, sadly enough.

I don’t think our parents ever fell in love and their relationship was more of one of convenience because our mother loved the vampire. It would have been easy for them just to be together, our mother and the Lord, you may think,” but she looked at Jongdae, “I’m sure you know that they in fact, could not. A Lord doesn’t have to be alone but a Lord cannot be with a hunter. It would only kill our mother if they tried to live in their love,” when the two of you flinched your sister nodded, “it was tragic for our mother either way. So she decided to do they only thing she could to make her happy and that was be a mother. Which is where you came along of course. The Lord was around the be a father, the way he probably always dreamed of being.

“It was when a group of hunters tried to kill us when I was ten and you were four, that our parents struck a deal with the Lord - something he wasn’t happy to do because he fell in love with our mom just as hard as she fell in love with him – but he agreed. He would give us a vampire mark to protect us. The mark had a few purposes, firstly when put on a human, hunters couldn’t see them, secondly, eternal life and thirdly, freedom for the generations to come from the burden of being a hunter because the mark would cause us to turn into a vampire and that would override the Hunter blood.  

“Not all vampires are out to kill humanity and it’s more rare these days than ever but yet, all hunters are out to kill vampires and any outcast hunter to exist. Since our parents were outcasted so were we and it was basically like a bounty on our heads. The mark alone would erase the bounty and mask us since we would not be human or Hunter but in the weird place that is ‘marked’. But there was a price; our parents had to give their lives for it. The Lord vampire was strong and only the strongest can give a soulmate mark to humans, let alone those with hunter blood, but to do so, he’d have to have blood for it. A life for a new life. He couldn’t lose our mother instantly though so he was able to extend their time for a decade before they would die from an accident and in turn, he got one more decade with our mother. He loved her enough to take her life to save something she loved more than herself. He loved her enough to be in a weak state for a decade to hold onto the thin strings of our parents lives.  

“He never had a mate, as a Lord vampire they aren’t like other vampires. He couldn’t bear children and he was subjected to a lifetime of loneliness no matter how powerful he is. Lord vampires are born randomly and I guess in some situations created but I don’t know much about that part. But again, they have no soulmate mark and no soulmate. They can fall in love, as this one did, but he couldn’t turn our mother because they don’t have that ability. Their powers are used entirely differently - geared more towards protecting humanity and vampires. One of the only things stopping him from turning our mother was us and they didn’t fall in love till it was too late and her life couldn’t be spared. Even if it could, she was a hunter and this was the only way things could end. He would have to get another vampire to turn her and that was basically giving her a death sentence himself. So he went the least painful route. One day, I hope I can meet him again so I can thank him. He loved her and he saved us. I’m forever in debt.”

“Did I cover everything?” she asked.  

It was silence for several minutes as you guys tried to absorb everything she said.  

“Mom and dad didn’t die in an accident,” you swallowed.  

Your sister bit her lip, “They did. It just wasn’t what it seemed. It was fated that way. They did it for us.”

“Why didn’t you tell me all of this? Why didn’t mom? Why the hell am I finding out this late?”

“You were too young and I wanted to hide you from the truth as long as I could. You were safer that way. Not just that but I wanted you to be as normal as you could, while you could. But here you are, mated to two vampires.”

Jongdae wove his fingers through yours as your hands shook nervously, “You know about that?” he asked.

She nodded, “I haven’t been mated so my hunter blood is stronger the older I grow. When I mate, it will fade out with my human body but until then, I can read you like a large print open book.”

“Do you know how to fix it?” you asked shakily.

Your sister hummed, “Fix what part?”

“Me being mated to two different people.”

Her fingers tapped anxiously on one of her knees, “I don’t quite have the answer for that but I’m trying. It was obviously not supposed to happen. The problem is, your other mate probably doesn’t have a mate yet and you were accidentally somehow made one third his. Obviously, Jongdae is the one who is your mate and this Yixing wasn’t supposed to be but Lord vampire seemed to have slipped a bit when it came to you. Vampires are born with a soulmate mark but their soulmate is almost like randomly generated and can take centuries to come around. Either he did it on purpose or he slipped up from having a broken heart and distorted mind. Nonetheless, I know there is a way to seemingly reset Yixing where he keeps his mark but you guys lose your ties and yours goes back to normal. I think we have to find the Lord that did this though. They have the power to do something like this which is useful if a mate dies or the mate rejects the relationship, that kind of thing.”

“How do you know more about this than I do? Jongdae asked.  

She shrugged, “You’ve had my sister for a while. I’ve had to do research. I’ve met some interesting people, lots of outcasts who had experience in the field before going rouge. I know one who may even be able to find us the Lord who bestowed this upon us.”

“How soon could we find him?”

Your sister looked at you tenderly and you realized how differently she looked in this light. You realized how smart and thoughtful she was. There were sides you never experienced with her and maybe it was because you weren’t seeing it. All the times you thought she just wanted to sleep around you came to the conclusion that maybe she was trying to find her mate or maybe she was trying to numb her mind from the burden of all the knowledge she had to carry. You made a mental note to apologize when you had a moment alone with her. “Maybe a couple days if we’re lucky. But it could also take years. Decades even because I have no idea where he is.”

“We don’t have decades. Yixing is going to try to off himself if we don’t get a fix. He can’t bare it much longer. I can feel it. Please, sis. Please help us find him as soon as you can.”

She nodded, “I’m your sister after all. I’m not going to let you suffer and I won’t let someone you love suffer. We are already working on it.”

“Thank you,” Jongdae started, “Thank you for finding everything out and telling us all of this. I had no idea. I don’t even think I’ve met a Lord vampire before much less knew they had the power to make a mate from a human… and a hunter at that.”

She smiled, “Our moms lover really was powerful.”

“What’s your soulmate mark? I’ve never even seen it before…” you asked. “All of these years and I thought I was just weird for my tattoo looking birth mark.”

Jongdae gave you a look, “I haven’t had to explain this to you but that’s actually a really personal question to ask. You shouldn’t really.”

Your sister shrugged, “My baby sis is really nosey,” her nose scrunched as she smiled, “Let’s get you and Yixing some help and then I’ll show you, how does that work for you?”

You agreed.

Lying in bed with Jongdae that night, you were overwhelmed. He held you tightly as you tried your best to process everything all over again.  

“My mom was in love with a Lord Vampire,” and you let out a small laugh, “What are the chances?”

Jongdae kissed your forehead, “Considering we’re here, I’d say pretty good.”

“The boys will never believe this. I can’t believe this.” You laughed again, “I can’t believe I blamed you. This was all set in motion by someone else.”

He kissed you again, this time going for your lips, “I can’t believe any of it either but I’m thankful. Your mother was selfless and I’m disappointed I could never meet her or get your father’s approval.”

“You would have gotten his approval, clearly,” you smiled. “I’m really lucky that it’s you. I’m also really reassured you’re my true mate.”

His eyes searched your face, “No disappointment that the thing with Yixing is just an accident? Aren’t you disappointed that it’s not real?”

You shook your head, “No disappointment, just relief. I think though, I’m still trying to figure out what made me love him. Was it the accidental mating or was it just us?” you sighed, realizing it was not normal to talk to your mate about loving another man.  

But Jondage nodded, not offended that you clearly still harbored some feelings for Yixing. “I think it’s okay if it’s not because the mating. It’s something pure and innocent. After everything, I’m not threatened by it anymore. Feelings are just feelings and if there is no action behind them, we are okay. I don’t think it means you love me any less. Sometimes life just tests us and maybe love can be apart of that. At the end of the day as long as you aren’t disloyal to me, is developing feelings really hurtful? Humans attach easily and after all, you were born one.” He shrugged.

You hugged him tightly, “I’ve never much have loved one man, let alone two so forgive me if I’m not good at this.”

Jongdae laughed and ruffled your hair, “I think you’re doing well, considering. Yixing on the other hand…”

“Speaking of… last time I saw him, he was weird, Jongdae. I’m a little worried. He welcomed me, thanked me, and then tried to kiss me. Which I deflected by the way. The most action he got was my cheek, just so we are clear.  But it all was startling and a stark difference between who he’s been lately.”

He smiled, “I know he tried. I could smell him but I knew he hadn’t actually been able to kiss you and while it’s unfortunate for him, I’m glad. My trust in you was obviously rightfully placed. Did you want to kiss him?”

You shook your head, “Not even a bit. Not that he repulses me but it’s like my body knows and my heart knows that even if I love him, that I’m all in this for you. I don’t want to kiss him and ruin anything with us. It would only cause me pain for hurting you and I’d get nothing else from it.”

“Good,” and he kissed you again.  

“But Jongdae,” you pushed him away, “he was being really unlike himself. Seriously, something feels off.”

But he shrugged if off, “My love, maybe he was just needing to heal or to test the waters. He needed to see what level you guys were at. What else could it be?”

You weren’t sure and that’s what scared you the most.

And then, you woke up in a puddle of blood and that scared you more.  

Jongdae smelled it before you could wake him and jolted up. Blood coated the sheets underneath you and it was beginning to drip down onto the floor. Jongdae panicked, nearly screaming as he rushed to your aid. You were dizzy and sure that this was more blood than you had ever let anyone take or drink from you. In moments, Jongdae had you rid of your clothes to see where the blood was coming from and much to your surprise and yet, not surprise at all, your soulmate mark was marred.  

The pain was excruciating and the smell of your own blood was starting to make you nauseous. Jongdae was shaking as he bit into his own wrist and put it to your mouth, urging you to drink without trying to jostle you around too much.  

The bleeding didn’t stop though.  

Your sister burst into the room, fear heavy on her face as she saw the scene in front of her. She whaled loudly and Jongdae looked at her for help.  

“She’s losing too much blood Jongdae.”

“She’s not human though, this can’t hurt her,” he nearly screamed.  

She shook her head, “It’s killing her. We have to do something. We need the healer. He’s the only one strong enough.”

Jongdae's hands were covered in blood and you tried to hold onto consciousness as you watched him smear the blood on his phone as he called Yixing. If he had the energy to be prideful, he may protest that he was enough to heal you but pride was the last thing on his mind. He called hundreds of times, he swore but the phone continued to go to voicemail. The last time, Jongdae nearly smashed his phone and you barely had the energy to stop him.  

“He did this,” your sister whispered as her hands combed through your hair. “He removed the mark.”

“He what?” Jongdae screeched.  

You gasped with every bit of fight you had left as your sisters face grew red with anger, “He removed it. Yixing must have trusted someone to remove it in hope it would break their bond but all it will do is kill her. He will come out alive and she will die. That’s why you don’t just remove the skin. It’s like he sent an assassin for her.”

“She can’t die though! I’m the only way she could die.”

Your sister shook her head solemnly, “This could kill her. Not because he’s her mate but because he is removing part of her being from existence. He has one third of her, that third being his mark and that piece of her can only be retrieved by a Lord. If he doesn’t heal her, she will die. And well, honestly, even then Jongdae, she might not make it. We aren’t talking just a wound. Part of her soul is being ripped away.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

"She's fucking dying! She's dying because you went behind our backs and did something fucking stupid."

Luhan scoffed, "She will be fine. They aren't truly mates so she will live, Minseok." Minseok threw his hands in the air. Luhan had no idea because none of them knew anything about this, which is why, Minseok wanted to insist into their thick skulls, why they didn’t do anything if they had any doubt.  

"She's bleeding out, vampires don't bleed out in case you didn't know. A third of her is attached to Yixing and it's a long fucking story but you need to wake him up now because we can all feel her life hanging in the balance."

"He chose this,” Luhan put simply as it seemed the complexity of the situation wasn’t touching his head.

"And he wouldn't have if he knew it would kill her for crying out loud. Wake him up! He will go on a rampage if she dies and so will Jongdae and none of us want that. Bond or not, he loves her and we all fucking know it."

"Even if I wanted to, I can't wake him up."

"Let me see him," Minseok roared. Behind him, Junmyeon grabbed his shoulder firmly but he knew he was just as afraid as Minseok was.

They couldn't lose one, let alone two brothers if something happened to you. Not only that, you were apart of them now and they all cherished you like family. Even Baekhyun who was teleporting with Jongin to try to save you the best they could.

Yixing was unconscious, as expected. His skin was pale and he was hooked up to an IV drip that contained blood. Minseok rolled his eyes, nothing would help him heal the way you did. Pulling up Yixing’s shirt, Minseok flinched when he saw the mismatched skin where Yixings mark once was. They had grafted skin from his thigh and replaced the skin on his hip. Minseok couldn't imagine the pain it must have been. Or the pain that unsuspecting you were in.  

Junmyeon paced, "He's the doctor. He's the healer. What the fuck are we supposed to do?" Junmeyon was concered and it was showing through his furrowed brows and anxious eyes. Some of them had basic first aid but it wasn’t like they had the power Yixing did.

And then Junmyeon snapped his fingers.  

"We have some of her blood left, what do you think the chances are it will still work? That it could heal him enough for him to wake up and be able to help her?" Hope spread through his eyes, coating the broken vessels in them with white.

Minseok covered Yixing's soulmate mark back up, "I'm not sure we have much chance at all either way. Regardless, it's worth the shot. Call Kyungsoo and have him bring it over."

Junmyeon went to go do so as Minseok sat down next to Yixing, grabbing his hand firmly. "Oh brother. What have you done to yourself? Love doesn't have to be this painful." But he knew it was. Minseok had suffered once before but he would have never gone to such extremes. Minseok sighed. Yixing must have loved you more than any of them realized.

Minseok had fallen in love before but he had kept that story to himself. It was private - the love he had formed for a vampire girl that wasn't his mate and also wanted nothing to do with him.  

Unrequited love hurt more than anything Minseok thought so if this is what Yixing did with requited love, Minseok was worried for his brother. What would he do when he woke up and still loved you? But Minseok knew it wasn’t fully unrequited. He knew you really loved his brother even if you had hurt him, all of the boys were coming to the final consensus that none of it was your fault.

 You had been smart even if you had hurt Yixing. You told him to give you time to figure something out and as if you knew there was an solution, you had one before the thirty days you asked for were gone.  

Yixing couldn't bare it though and instead of telling anyone, he went to their cousins who had a brood of human turned vampires who weren't nearly as experienced as they were. Yixing couldn’t even wait thirty days. He wondered maybe if that was Yixing's final ‘fuck you' to you but then again, that wouldn’t be very fitting of his brother.  

Minseok sighed, why wouldn't Yixing be more honest with his suffering? And why didn't he think more before acting? Why wouldn’t he give you more time?

Maybe it had been too long since Minseok was actually in love. Maybe Minseok had no idea the effect love would actually have.  

  It didn’t take long for Kyungsoo and Chanyeol to make it back with your blood and Minseok could see the cackling fire that was ignited in the dark eyes of Chanyeol.

"I should fucking kill you," Chanyeol growled. "You wouldn't be too hard to get rid off."

 "It's not worth it," Minseok heard Kyungsoo hiss at him.  

Minseok clapped a hand over the shoulder of a tensed Chanyeol and he shot a gaze to the apathetic Kyungsoo. Across Kyungsoo's chest was the strap to a small rectangular cooler that had the remnants of your blood they had stored for an emergency - your idea, not theirs. A smart idea at that Minseok had nodded to himself.

 "Now is not the time for a fight," Junmyeon stepped back into the room. "We can deal with this once they're both okay."

 Chanyeol grunted, "As soon as he's better we need to bring him home. I can't stand to be in this house with, him." So yes, they may have been family but they definitely hadn’t gotten along in a while and for various reasons – Chanyeol and Yifan being at each others throats for something they never wanted to share.  

 "Are you guys that weak?" Yifan jeered from outside the room.  

 Junmyeon latched onto Chanyeol, "Not the time or place."

 "We were trying to help," Luhan insisted. "He wanted to escape from this. What else could I have done?"

 Minseok glared at him, "Come to us first."

Kyungsoo had the most medical experience beside the rest of the boys so he set up, ripping the old iv bag away from Yixing and setting up another one filled with your much brighter blood.  

 Yixing didn't move but when the blood started to flow into the iv, they thought they heard the smallest gasp come from Yixing.  

He didn’t respond even when they thought they heard something come from him so they continued to wait. Their brother would respond. He would wake up and face them, maybe not as the same man, but he still would live. Your blood was going to heal Yixing and while they needed it to, it made them all flinch because they knew that the agony was not yet to end any time soon. This agony would last forever.

Although, it wasn't that easy.  

A soulmate mark was only half of it. Feelings and care was the other half. They could exist alone because the soulmate mark didn't force you to fall in love. It was a bond that drew you together, but the rest of the work was done by the couple.  

 You hadn't loved Yixing because of the mark and he hadn't loved you because of it.  

 The color to his face started to come back and several sighs of relief sounded.

Minseok ached for his brother. The fact that you still had the power to heal him was going to weigh heavy on all of them.  

"How long would it take you to figure out not just any blood would do to heal him?" Chanyeol spat.  

Luhan looked down at his feet, "I had just thought if it was removed, that he wouldn't need that part of her anymore."

Kyungsoo let out a scoff and kept his eyes away from the others.  

"No. All you were doing was wiping her from her existence, not his," Junmyeon replied.  

Luhan crossed his arms over his chest, “But it doesn’t make sense. Isn’t the soulmate mark what binds them?”

“I’m pretty sure it takes more than that to sever everything on Yixing’s end. I’m also sure, their relationship will be all that much more painful so thanks, dick,” Chanyeol grunted.  

And then, Yixing seemingly came back to life. Before he moved, his eyes shot open and Kyungsoo was the first to react, jumping away and covering his mouth before trying to regain his composure.  

Yixing's eyes were the shade of molten amethyst.  

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

You were barely breathing and your sister assured Jongdae that as long as you continued to replenish your blood with his, they could keep you stable till help arrived.  

She didn’t know if that was true or not but the more she said it out loud, the more real it sounded.  

They did their best to cover the bleeding but no matter how many times they changed the bandage, you still bleed through. They couldn’t contain it.

Jongdae was seconds from a full breakdown when your sister pulled the attention away from your purpling body. “So my soulmate mark,” she hadn’t wanted to reveal herself because it was personal but she had to take his mind off of things and this was all she had.  

She had to take her mind off of her dying sister – the sister her mother died to protect.

Tugging at her sleeve, she pulled her shirt down revealing the black inked mark. It was hard to pinpoint the design. It wasn’t simple like yours and his but it was bold dots, and fierce stripes that wrapped around her shoulder.  

And he had seen it before.  

The breathe caught in his throat, “What are the chances of both of you…?” He trailed off. “You knew didn’t you?”

“That you’ve seen this before?”

He nodded.  

She nodded back, “Yes. I’m not like my baby sister though”, she gestured to the girl grasping for life. “I’m a lot more fearful when it comes to my own life. I’ve spent all this time obsessed with hers and protecting her that I’m not sure how to deal with my own shit.”

Jongdae bit into his wrist when a timer went off and placed it back against your lips for your regular feeding that they had been doing every twenty minutes, “Wait, did you know she would meet me that night?”

“I’ve got the blood of a Hunter, so yes. I didn’t know that my own mate would be so close but then again, it wasn’t my top concern. I just needed her to be safe. The hunters were getting close to us and while I knew they couldn’t see us, I also didn’t know a lot.”

The conversation cut to a halt when you started to convulse and shake.  

“She doesn’t have much time,” Jongdae said with a quiver as he felt your slowly heart bear. He felt you slipping away and it shook around his bones.

And then you stopped breathing all together. Jongdae’s ears started ringing and he started to get excruciating pain in his chest. His free hand grasped his chest as the other one cradled you to him.  

“And neither do you,” your sister said as she looked at Jongdae in fear. “Hold on tight, Jongdae. Please.”  

Giving one last look to you, she let out a shaky breath and hurried away. She hoped that you and Jongdae could hold on long enough for her to get some help but she knew it wasn’t promising.  

She just hoped that her last moment looking at you, wasn’t now. You were all she had left and you had kept her going for so long that you couldn’t leave now.  

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

Yixing was sitting up, in a cold sweat after several moments. He was confused what was going on and why his brothers were surrounding him at Luhan’s family home. He took a shaky breath, his eyes searching the room several times over.  

“We don’t have time to figure any of this out,” Junmyeon spat to everyone around him that was whispering about his purple eyes. “Yixing we have to go.”

Kyungsoo started to pull the iv from Yixing when Yixing looked at Junmyeon with a confused and dazed look.  

“What’s going on?”

“It’s Y/N. She’s dying Yixing.”

And with more strength than anyone thought he had, he pushed Kyungsoo away, detached the IV and nearly roared. To everyone around, his strength surpassed what his body showed.  

“Where is she?” his heart sunk when he reached out for her emotions and felt nothing. It was blank and it made him want to fucking hurt someone. As her mate, he was able to feel her if he just reached outside of his own head but now, without the mark, their mating bonds were severed. Not just that but brutally severed. This was the most unconventional and painful way to severe ties but it wasn’t supposed to kill her. That’s not what he had seen in his research.  

He was supposed to stop caring too but yet, in that moment, he realized how much he really did care. How much he still loved you even though his sparrow was gone.  

Nothing had gone as planned. His soul felt dead without you and he was sure, angry tears found their ways out of the corners of his eyes.  

Yixing wasn’t even sure he was going to be able to save you or how he could fix everything he had done but his mark was gone and if that’s what was going to kill you, how could he stop it?

How could he help if he couldn’t even feel you?  

How could he help when he was killing you?

“Where is she?” Yixing cried, “I can’t sense her.”

Jongin appeared in a ripple in the room with Sehun and Baekhyun in tow, the two of them dazed and holding onto each other.  

The brothers looked at Yixing, some spiteful and some with eyes heavy of regret. Junmyeon nodded to Jongin. “Sehun was able to locate them perfectly,” he said. “Jongin will take you, Yixing.”

When Yixing was transported away by Jongin, Chanyeol grabbed Luhan by his shirt, “I will fucking kill you if something happens to them.”

But nobody stopped him from the threat because they were all scared what would happen if you died. Not only would they lose you, a part of their family and their blood now, but they would lose two brothers.

Although, the majority ruled that most of them assumed they had already lost one in Yixing.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

They appeared like a wavering wave length in space and your sister, taped her foot impatiently, until her eyes met Yixing's. “You’re a fucking lord?”

Yixing ignored her, not quite understanding before he searched for your body. His hand grasped against his chest, nails sinking into his skin through the fabric of his shirt. He felt nothing but agony and heart break when he saw your lifeless body. Jongdae was still unresponsive, his hands slack around you. His hands worked before he could even think, as he tried to get you some of his blood.  

“I doubt that will work,” your sister said as Jongin paced nervously behind him, continuously glancing at Jongdae.”

It didn’t.  

It worked for Yixing but then again, he wasn’t the one dying.

Yixing was crying.  

He was crying so hard that his tears had turned to pure dark blood.  

When that didn’t work, he pulled every fragment of energy he had to prepare to heal you.  

“Yixing, I need you to save my sister,” she said, “if you need my blood, please just take it.”

Jongin gave her a dark look, before pushing her gently away and giving his wrist to his brother. “This will be fucking weird but just do it. I need them to heal.”

Your sister glared at Jongin for his sacrifice and it made her heart flutter that he truly cared for you so much. Sure, maybe it was mostly caring for Jongdae but part of your sister knew that they cared for you too.  

Not only had your mother saved you but she had given you a family after losing your own.  

Yixing wasn’t as strong as he needed to be, and he needed to save you so there was no hesitation when it came to feeding from Jongin.  

He didn’t even care if it was weird. He was too focused on you. The love of his life. The only love he swore he’d ever have.

Jongin bit down on his fist, muffling a scream. He released it for a moment, face red and heavy breathing, “Why the fuck does it hurt?” when Yixing had started to draw blood from him. “I thought this was euphoric,” he complained.  

“Jongin, what about you?” your sister asked interrupting his cursing.

Jongin's paling face had furrowed brows, “What about me?”  

She grunted. “He’s a lord, and he’s going to pull too much fucking blood from you.”

“And what if it was you?” he grunted back.  

Throwing her hands into the air, she shrugged, “It doesn’t matter, I’d die for her.”

“I'm not letting that happen.”

She cries out and fell to the ground as she tried to gather her emotions. She was in a room of dying people and nearly all of them were her family in some way.  

Where was he? Where was the man that saved them? Where was her mothers true love?

She heard Yixing take in a deep breath and her head shot up, with tear stained cheeks, she saw Jongin struggling to breath, coaxing his wrist to close up as one of his hands rested on Jongdae.  

Yixing was whispering under his breath as he draped his hands over your body. He held back the tears so he wouldn’t lose the energy he had taken from Jongin. He concentrated, long and hard. His eyes were tightly closed and sweat beaded all over his body.

Your sister was frantic, hovering over Jongin as she prayed for Yixing to save you.  

“Please, help us, please,” she cried as she pushed hair from Jongin's sweat covered forehead. He barely even knew she was so close to him, that’s how out of touch he was. “Please.”

Yixing wasn’t strong enough so when praying for him didn’t work, she begged her mothers lover. She begged him to save her one last time. She couldn’t even worry about how selfish it was to expect the man who had lost your mother to come back and save the day again.

She thought of all the love her mother must of felt in all of the love she felt you feel for Jongdae.  

And for a moment, she felt like something had tore threw her mind. She yelped out in pain, causing Yixing to lose concentration and for Jongin to come to, grasping her wrist as she weakened and fell unconscious.

Yixing swore but put his focus back on you before he felt a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump.  

The man behind him ushered for him to move and when he didn’t, he pushed Yixing roughly to the side.  

“Do you want your woman saved or not?” he hissed.

“How are you going to help?” Yixing demanded.  

He scoffed as he pushed Jongdae away and laid you out, putting his hands over your soulmate mark. Yixing cringed as the strange man touched you. “You fucking donut, I’m the one that put this here.”

The man’s deep purple eyes were so dark they nearly looked onyx but they glowed too bright to be.  

“I see I’ve made a mess and you made it even worse.”

He breathed deeply a couple of times, as his hands pumped gently against your hips.

“If you could have waited a fucking day longer, I would have been here without making her sister pass out from a headache that could ultimately kill her, you know. I was trying to avoid, hurting them,” he hissed, “And you’ve caused my family pain. So we’re having a talk after this.”

He sighed and Yixing saw your body take a sharp and heavy breath. He reached out towards you and the man smacked his hand, “Uh-uh, leave her be.”

“What… who are you?” Yixing questioned, eyes barely leaving your body.

“Their father.”

Yixing pressed his fingers into his temples, “What?”

Rolling his eyes, he waved Yixing away as he moved to your sister, “It’s a long story. Obviously I didn’t actually father them. I’m a Lord, but I loved their mother and since they are all I have left, I’ve taken to them as if they are mine. But you see, my protection on them was so good that even I couldn’t find them, which is why,” he gestured to your sister, “that I had to hurt her.”

He worked his hands over her a couple of times before her breathing resumed. It didn’t take long before Yixing felt and heard four very shaky intakes of breath from his family.  

“Speaking of, this small boy is going to have to turn her immediately when he heals or the hunters will find and kill her, and if that happens, I’m going to ruin your whole little clan,” the man growled and Yixing could feel the promise dripping from his words.  

“What are you talking about?” Yixing groaned as his head really started to ache.  

The man just sat down in a chair in the corner, “You’ve missed out on many details since you decided to act selfishly and on your own. You need to look in the mirror so you can see what you’ve done to yourself, because you’ve caused yourself a lifetime of harm. You’re really going to hurt because now you’re like me and I’ve spent centuries hurting.” He scoffed at Yixing. “And you won’t stop loving her,” he gestured to you and Yixing's eyes followed his. Yixing sighed in response because even though he had no idea what was going on, he knew that with certainty. Not even losing his soulmate mark had rid you from his heart and it fucking hurt so bad that the bloody tears came back.  

“Get used to them,” the man huffed.  

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

Your sister woke with a startle, finding herself attached the Jongin. She pulled away quickly, checking him over before she realized his eyes were wide open. She jolted away, and he watched her slowly. “Are you okay?” he said gently

She rubbed her head, feeling the immense pain still engrained in her skull. “I’ll be okay.”

Jongin reached out before pulling back, wondering why he felt the inclination to do so.  

She knew though, and it killed her. You were the priority and she didn’t have time for anything else in between.

She felt the night air coming in through an open window and she wondered how long she had been out for. When she finally looked over to you, you were breathing evenly as Jongdae’s hold was tight around your waist.  

“He said they’re going to be fine,” Yixing whispered as he watched you from across the room.

Your sister stood, shaky and barely able, but she did. Jongin was up with her, attempting to steady her, but he stopped himself. “He?”

Yixing’s mouth formed into an ‘o’. “I forgot you were out during that part, someone – your father was here?” he asked.

But your father was dead and she knew that, and even her dad was long gone so who...?

Your mother. It was your mother’s lover who seemed to be proclaiming himself as your father. She sighed. So he had saved you once again.

It seemed the two of you owed him your lives.

“Where did he go?” she asked as she walked over to you, blood stains covering your delicate body.  

Yixing gestured to the doorway with his chin, “He’s just getting a breather. He’s going to be back eventually. He told me to tell you he wasn’t going to leave you guys now that you are safe... well, we have to talk about that.”

“What do you mean?”

Yixing’s eyes wearily grazed over Jongin’s, “He broke your seal in a sense. The hunters will be able to find you because he had to break the protection he had on you to find you. When you called out for him, he heard you and while he was already on his way, he knew it was life or death. So, he broke the seal. You still have your soulmate mark, but now you’re vulnerable. I don’t know much honestly, I just know... you have to be turned in the matter of hours or you will be dead.”

Your sister closed her eyes tightly and cursed, sure she had waited for this for a long time but she was scared. She was scared of commitment because of the man her father truly was. The monster who betrayed their mother and tried to kill her best friend and the later love of her life.

She portrayed herself as someone who only partied to her baby sister because she was trying to hide her pain. She found herself caught up with men who only wanted sex so she didn’t have to deal with the pain of betrayal but, in all of that she was betraying herself. She needed to be loved and the idea of having a mate, scared her.

He wouldn’t hurt her, she knew but there was just so much going on that she felt like she didn’t have a grasp of herself anymore.

She looked over at her baby sister and wondered how you had been strong for so long. You had endured the pain of a love triangle and she was scared to have even one love.

“I’m involved, aren’t I?” he asked her, not looking in Yixing’s direction.

The dark black marks on his shoulder that was poking through underneath his sleeves stared at her as she nodded. She fearfully pulled back her shirt to show the identical mark and he in took a sharp breath.

“You’ll die in hours if I don’t turn you,” Jongin hummed repeating what Yixing had said, “We don’t have much time then. We need to go.”

She looked frantically to her sister, “I can’t leave her. I have to stay.”

He scoffed, “She is fine. We need to save you and for that, I need to take you back to the house. Do you think Y/N wants to wake up to her sister dead or her sister safe?”

She looked to Yixing, and he nodded, “Save yourself and I’ll look over her, okay?”

“Can I trust that after what you’ve done? Do you even still love her?” she spat out before she let Jongin grab her wrist.

“Why do you think I’m still here? I’ll keep her and Jongdae alive and then I'll bring them home and your father as well.”

And while she was terrified, she wasn’t sure how long she had. There was an invisible bounty on her head and she wondered how quick they would be led to her and then, if they were, would they be able to find you too?  

She didn’t have time to think any further about being changed by Jongin. She had to let her mate do what he had to do and then they would figure the rest out. 

When the two of them dissolved, Yixing sighed and his back slid against the wall as he fell to the ground and laid his head back.  

You told him you’d figure out a solution and you were so damn close to it when he fucked up and ruined everyone's lives. He nearly killed you, your sister, and his two brothers in the process and damn, it killed him mentally and emotionally.

He should have waited. He could have waited until you figured it out, but he was stubborn and hopeless. He regretted it so much because now, he would give anything to feel you and your emotions. Even if he couldn’t have you, even if he was going to live with you platonically the best he could, he just wanted to feel you again. He wanted to sense your happiness, your love for him, your love for Jongdae, and your pain. He wanted it all back and now, he was stuck. No mate for him. No love could exist for him and someone else because he would never get over you now.

Even if he did, you were imprinted on his hip no matter if the mark was there or not. Not only that, but you were imprinted in his heart.

He felt every ounce of his body hurt and it felt like he was going through withdrawals as he watched you sleep. He sweat, he cried bright and dark tears of blood, he convulsed and felt chills all at the same time.

He just wanted to feel your heartbeat in his chest but he could barely feel his own.

What he was living with before was much more bearable, he swore. He could live with that pain over this pain, a thousand times.

It was hours later, and Yixing hadn’t slept a single moment when Jongdae’s eyes opened. With a sharp intake of breath, he shot up, nearly knocking you out of his arms when Yixing rushed over and pushed you gently onto the mattress before grabbing his brother by the shoulders.  

“Are you okay?” his amethyst eyes searched the pale red eyes of his brother.

Jongdae pulled away and reached for you, touching every inch of your body to make sure you were all in one piece. “I’m okay if she’s okay.” he pulled you into his arms and kissed your forehead gently, sighing when he felt your breathing. “What a fucking day.”

Yixing looked at him with guilt thick on his face.

“You’re going to spend a long time feeling sorry for yourself at this rate, Yixing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking pissed at you but right now, all I can feel is overwhelming relief in the fact that she’s okay. That’s all that matters right now and that’s all I want to fucking think about. I’ll try to kill you later.”

“No, you won’t,” you croaked as you slowly opened your eyes. Jongdae pulled you closer and you groaned in pain, “Please be gentle, Dae.”

Your mark was aching and you were confused at the events that had passed but all you knew was that you needed to look at it when you had a chance. And well, you knew that you loved Jongdae and Yixing... you loved Yixing but something was different. He was in the room but where was he? You searched for him with your eyes, extending your mind as much as you could but as your eyes fell on him, you felt nothing. Nothing in terms of what you should have felt. Sure, you loved the man with purple eyes that you hadn’t remembered him having but the mental connection that you guys had once had, felt completely severed. You could read him so well before and now, he felt like a stranger. A stranger who you were connected to in some weird way.  

You whispered his name and his eyes caught onto yours and even if you couldn’t feel it anymore, his eyes held enough pain for you to catch on and you sure you looked the same.

Jongdae grasped you tighter as you and Yixing had a moment. A very distant moment and it made you burst into tears, not being able to explain quite why you were crying.

You didn’t have to explain to Jongdae because as your mate, he knew. But Yixing on the other hand, would never catch another one of your emotions that way and you would never catch his. Part of you felt missing and you knew it would never be back.

It ached almost more than the marred skin on your hip.  

“I’ll give you guys some space. I just promised I would make sure you were both okay so that’s why I watched over you.”

“Yixing-” you started but you didn’t know where you were going and you found yourself letting him turn and leave the room, unknowingly, both of you facing heartbreak.

Jongdae kissed your forehead, “Oh my love,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

The after affects hurt more than you expected.

For the longest, your mark was blistered over and you could barely see what was below the mauled skin and not only that, you mentally ached. You felt as if a part of you was missing but instead of working to get it back, every day you had to work to get used to it.  

That’s where Jongdae came into play. He helped you get back into your normal life, whatever that was. Considering your sister was now staying with you and the boys and was also a vampire, you weren’t sure if you could still be considered normal.

Immortality made your sister and you get along all that much better even if it wasn’t much different than life before. The only difference now was that she had someone who her attention was focused on and it seemed she was falling in love. Hard and fast but watching from the sidelines, it seemed perfect. Jongin was good to her and it was nice that someone else had finally found their mate so you and Jongdae weren’t alone.

Then there was the Lord vampire and well, he preferred to be referred to as your father and since he had saved all of your lives, you obliged. After all, the way your mother loved him, it seemed he deserved the title and you knew that it didn’t take away the love you had for your biological father. Now, you just got to love another dad.  

While he stayed a couple of hours away, he was constantly visiting and he would spend hours telling you about your mother.

You connected well with him and he was helping your vampire family repair after the events that transpired.  

It had been a couple months since the incident and you and Jongdae were stronger than ever. You could easily say you loved him and spent a majority of your time not working, wrapped in his arms. Just like you were this particular Sunday.  

You breathed in his scent, smiling as he pressed gentle kisses to your neck.  

“I’ve been thinking,” he murdered against your neck.

Your closed eyes fluttered as your skin tingled, “What’s that?”

His lips traveled down to the dip where your neck meets your shoulder. “We don’t really have privacy anymore. With your sister constantly barging in…” he trailed off as you chucked lightly. It was true. Before she lived with you guys, you already barely had privacy but now that she was here, barging in without knocking and teasing you about anything you did with Jongdae, it was getting a little frustrating. You guys couldn’t really be intimate and it was frustrating considering it had been years since. “Do you think you’d want to get our own place?”

You froze and he removed his lips from you, coming up to meet your eyes and giving you a cat like grin that made you unfreeze and pull him down to your lips, kissing gingerly before smiling. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

While the plans were for the brothers to live under one roof even with their mates, they were all seeing how impractical it was now and with one of the boys already moved out, it didn’t seem like they really needed to stay anyway.  

“I may have found something already…”

You smacked his chest, “You bought a house without even talking to me first, didn’t you?”

He smiled again, pressing you deeper into the mattress, “I’m sorry, I just keep thinking about how I want to do more than just talk to you.”

You raised a brow, “This is more than talking.”

Jongdae used one hand to place a hand on your cheek as he bent down to whisper in your ear, “You know what more I’m talking about.”

Chills consumed your body and could feel the cocky look on his face without seeing it.  

Both of you could constantly feel the sexual tension between you but you had yet to do anything about it for two reasons, one, your sister and the house of nosey vampires and two, you wanted it to be special and no matter how bad you had wanted it, the special time hadn’t seem to come.  

But now, it seemed that it was nearing.  

“Do you ever just want to say fuck it and take me in the shower?” you asked quietly, your voice shaking as you felt your core twitch.

He groaned loudly, “Don’t fucking say that, I’m trying to do this right.”

You hummed, “I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be right, regardless? It’s not like we haven’t been there before.”

Jongdae let out a growl, “You have to stop talking like that. It’s been too long since I’ve had you. What like three years now?”

Three long years it had been and it was obvious the two of you were having growing pains.  “When can we move in?” you asked with impatience.  

“Next month.” He kissed you harshly, using his teeth to bite your bottom lip. “Can I even wait a month?” he muttered to himself.  

You licked the blood he had spilled from biting you, “Probably not but we’ve waited this long.”

“What are we going to do?” he pressed his face into your neck and exhaled hopelessly, but before he could get too occupied with taking your scent in, he pulled back and captured your gaze with his. For several moments, he stayed staring at you, not speaking.

His face was serious, brows furrowed and it made you laugh. “What are you concentrating on so hard?” you asked after several moments of using your mate skills to figure out what was having him focus so hard on. It was a mixture of love and anxiety.

“Um,” he pressed his lips roughly together.

“It’s been a long time since you held back,” you commented as you played with the hair that had fallen over his forehead, “What’s going on in there?”

He laughed nervously, “For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m going to scare you away.”

Scoffing, you played with the spot underneath his shirt where his soulmate mark was, “Jongdae, I’m not going anywhere. What do I have to do to prove that to you?”  

“Marry me.”

You froze, and Jongdae nervously watched you. “What did you say?”

“I want you to marry me. We have a month till we can move so why don’t we spend that time planning a wedding? If we are going to do this right, let’s do it right.”

You could feel his anxiety and you swore it seemed like he was going to cry so you pulled him tight to you and squeezed him with all the energy you could. “Let’s do it.”

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

So you did.  

You spent a month planning out the wedding you never thought you’d get. Your sister, was ecstatic and unfortunately, but also not so unfortunately the only blood you had. Whereas Jongdae had lots of family, it was just the too of you, and your moms lover who you now so lovingly called dad. It may have been awkward to some that this strange man came in and asked to be called your father but honestly, it had been so long since you had a dad that it hurt and you would easily accept someone who wanted the position.  

Planning a vampire wedding, you assumed was just like any other wedding because even if your life changed, it didn’t mean your relationship did.

But there was just one thing, and that was that you absolutely hated planning events and it stressed you out more than it excited you so instead of taking the drivers seat in decision making, you rode in the back and your sister and Jongin piloted the ride. It was fitting as they were still fresh in their relationship and so madly in love. They needed something to put all that positive energy towards besides each other.  

In the mean time, Sehun was becoming a registered officiant – much to your dislike but it was either him or Baekhyun and you weren’t going to take to the wedding officiant flirting with you while he named you husband and wife like Baekhyun would.

It had to be someone close that married the two of you because religious figures had a habit of knowing just what you were and also they had the habit of attempting to banish, curse or pray for you. None of which you were really interested in including in your wedding.  

So Sehun it was. The annoying man child who snorted every time he tried reading wedding vows aloud.

Sitting on the back porch enjoying the sunset, you could hear him inside repeating the words to himself an cackling as he read them.  

“You do that at my wedding and I’ll castrate you,” you said in a low voice knowing very well that you didn’t have to speak up for him to hear you even through the thick glass sliding doors and the walls of the house.  

“I just find the whole thing silly,” he said and then you heard Baekhyun open his mouth.  

“Because it is. Who wants to commit to one person? Just because we mate doesn’t mean we can’t have fun, and if only Primrose would have let me, I could have showed her that.”

Obviously the jokes and harassment you suffered from Baekhyun had yet to end but you had a backbone now and they didn’t get passed you. “You know, Baekhyun, if you spent half the time you spend talking about getting laid actually trying to talk to women, you might actually get laid.”

Sehun cough-laughed and you heard a gasp get stuck in Baekhyun's throat.

His voice cranked up a couple of pitches, “I get laid all the time,” his voice cracked.

You laughed as Baekhyun stormed over to the sliding glass door and threw it open. “Baekhyun, we know your sex life just as much as you do. And it’s nonexistent.”

His hands clasped to his hips, “So is yours.”

You raised a brow, “Honey, that’s only to spare you and your thirsty brothers.” You heard Sehun breathe in a offended breath.  

“You’re mean now, Jongdae makes you mean.”

Baekhyun’s cocky exterior had broken down and now he was just a giant puppy. You shooed him away, “Go clean up the mess you made in the kitchen before you really see how mean I am.”

It was easy to fall into step as a mother to these men. Even if they were older than you, and your sister included, you always felt like you had to parent them. Although, things always felt like that with your sister. Especially when she was seeming to be spiraling out of control. You just had the nurturing nature.

“Listen to Prim and clean this up,” Kyungsoo grunted as you saw him padding through the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands, going for a twelfth refill of the day.

Baekhyun spun and looked back at the house, seeing Kyungsoo through the open door. “Don’t tell me what to do, you’re he one drinking coffee this late in the evening and people who drink coffee this late don’t have a handle on their lives.” 

You giggled at him, looking at the colors splotching across the darkening sky, “How else do we deal with you Baekhyun?”

Kyungsoo chuckled as he looked down at his slipper clad feet.  

Baekhyun raised a hand to point at you, then to Kyungsoo and then to Sehun, “Fuck you, you and you.”

Sehun raised his hands in the air, “Wait, how did I get included in this?”

When Baekhyun stomped like a raging two year old into the house, Jongdae rounded the edge of the house and you caught his gaze instantly, “Hi,” you waved softly.

He smiled, “Hi.”

“Did… everything go well?” you asked, feeling yourself try not to flinch.  

He pulled you up from your chair and into his arms. You smelled him. You smelled everything you had been trying not to think about and you forced it away, you pushed it from your mind because now, you had that capability.

He smiled. “It was good.” And he didn’t expand and you didn’t need him to. You didn’t need to talk about where he had gone for the past couple of hours. You didn’t need to talk about how it went when he took your blood with him in a thermos that was too familiar. You didn’t need to talk about the fact that just by catching his emotions that you knew you would have one less wedding guest.

You didn’t need to talk about the relief and disappointment the flushed over you all at once.

What had you expected, anyway? Things had long ago changed and you knew that the further he stayed, the easier it was to carry on with life.  

The only problem was beyond just loving him as a once mate, you loved him as a friend – you loved him as a person and even if you couldn’t feel his hurt, you knew it was there.  

And that was enough.  

You wondered that maybe if you had died from the mark removal how much easier their lives would of been-

But Jongdae caught the thought at shook his head, “If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t be here either. Even if I didn’t die because you died, I would have found a way to die. My life is easy and good because you exist, my beautiful fiance.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead, “I know it hurts. I know it will hurt for a long time but one day, maybe one day, it will hurt a little less.”

You leaned into him and you knew he was right because it had already hurt less than it had before.

It made you wonder though, if the pain would stay with you like the scar you had outlining your soulmate mark or if it could dissipate one day.

Although, your moms lover never stopped loving her.  

She married someone else, had children, sacrificed her life and yet, he still was madly in love and you could are the hurt hanging over him like a rain cloud.

You just hoped for him and Yixing, that one day they could love again – just like you had with Jongdae.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

“Are you ready for this?” your sister asked as she curled a small section of your hair.

You met her eyes in the mirror and smiled nervously, “Of course.”

“And Yixing?”

You rolled your eyes slightly, “You wait till the day of my wedding to ask about him.”

She started on another section of hair after twirling the last curl in between her fingers, “I figured you’d come to me when you wanted to talk about it and you never did, so as your sister, I had to ask. It’s last minute just nearly two hours before you get married but I want to ask before you’re fully committed.”

You place your hands on the vanity in front of you and sigh, “I think I’m already committed, sis.” You were frustrated, but not with her or her prying. You were frustrated that he wasn’t going to be at the most important day of your life when you married the most important person in your life but of course, you couldn’t blame him. “I think a part of my soul will always love Yixing but I think the love changes. Right now or ever in the future  from this point on will I never feel something for him that changes how I feel for Jongdae. I’m all his.”

She nodded and continued curling your hair, “I just want to be sure this is what you want.”

“Aren’t the brides supposed to have cold feet?” you asked her, as you watched her disgruntled expression in the mirror.

“Cold feet isn’t as much for brides as it is for mothers and sisters. I’ve not only been your sister but your mother, so excuse me if I’m overwhelmed. This isn’t the life I wanted for us, but it’s what we have and I just have to be sure,” she paused, holding the curler with one unsteady hand, “We could leave. I think this would be the last chance we have though. We could give it up and run away, if you aren’t in this.”

You stared at her in the mirror before turning and looking at her, “I’m confused, is this about Yixing or Jongdae?”

“It’s about you.”

“You’re telling me, if I wanted to run away and inevitably kill us, you would do that with me?” she nodded without hesitation, “and what about Jongin?”

Her face contorted, “Don’t get me wrong, I love him but if we are meant to be, we’d find each other again. Before him, before Yixing, before Jongdae, it was us. I just to make sure that you’re choosing this life and that it’s not controlling you.”

“I fought this relationship for a long time and even with our bond, I didn’t feel like I had to love him. I learned to love him for him so don’t fret. I want this and if I ever change my mind, I can do what I need to do – but I don’t see that happening.”

Your sister sighed, “I’m sorry. Just the whole thing with Yixing and you has been getting to me. Thinking about it, I just worry with how much you’ve hurt over him.”

“Hurt. How much I hurt – not how much I’m hurting, that’s the past tense,” you reminded her.  

“Say what you will but sis, I know it hurts that he isn’t here today.”

You looked at her for a long few seconds and then spoke, “You’re confusing hurt with regret. Yes, it sometimes I’m hurt over how it happens but I’m not hurting.  And I’m definitely not regretting anything nor do I wish things were different.”

She continued to work on your hair and just nodded, “I get it. I just know how much our mom suffered.”

Was she worried since Yixing was a Lord now? Was she worried you’d have an unfortunate demise like your mother?

The only way that would happen is if you were away from Jongdae and you had no way to get that across to her. You were sure that it wasn’t her doubting how in love you were but it was fear. Fear was driving her to double, triple check if everything was okay.  

But she didn’t have to be afraid. For once, everything was okay.  

The wound Yixing left would stay etched into you the exact way the scar around your garnet sparrow would but it was a scar. Scars stayed with you for your entire life and while they could bring up bad memories and make your heart drop to the pit of your stomach, they couldn’t define you anymore. It defined who you were once and most days, you lived without thinking about it.  

Just the way when Sehun pronounced you husband and wife, you had completely forgotten it existed.  

With Jongdae’s lips on yours, you long forgot about Yixing.  

And it stayed that way when Jongdae carried you through the front door of your new home.  

You giggled when he stubbed his toe on the door frame, nearly dropping you and causing the two of you to tumble onto the wood floor. “I choose a time like this to become clumsy,” he muttered under his breath.  

You rolled your eyes and stared up at his concentrated gaze as he carried you hurriedly to your bedroom. “I think it’s cute,” you mused.  

“I don’t want to be cute,” his voice came out in a rough growl and it just made you laugh more.

“You aren’t very scary.”

He huffed, “Just wait till I get this dress off you then. You have made me wait a long time.”

That, gave you chills. He felt your body shiver and then he smirked, pulling you tighter to him. He kicked the bedroom door open with so much force you could hear the door moan.  

He stood you up your feet just before the bed and loosened his tie. “You ready for this, my beautiful wife?” he asked tenderly as his hand found its place under your chin.  

Your jaw clenched and you nodded, eyes closing as his fingers trailed down your jaw, over your neck, and to the dip of your shoulder.  

“If your dress wasn’t so pretty, I don’t know if I could be so gentle,” he whispered as his fingers made their way around to the back of your dress, quickly undoing the corsetting that adorned the back of the dress. The dress loosened on your body, causing you to let out a whine in anticipation. You couldn’t move even though your hands ached to take the dress off quickly. You were to entranced by Jongdae. Too enthralled to take the lead.  

For a moment, he stopped his hands from moving and pressed sweet kisses to the crevice of your neck, each one leaving you shaking. But just as quickly as he started, he stopped and pushed the loose dress off your body, helping you step out of it once it was pooled around your feet.  

Jongdae gasped when he realized that you had forgone wearing undergarments and you almost swore you saw his eye color flicker. “This whole night, you’ve had nothing underneath your dress?” he breathed.  

You nodded, “Should I have gotten lingerie or something? I’ve never really been with many men so I don’t know what they like and I was nervous and I couldn’t really ask my sister and I have no friends,” everything was coming out in a hurried jumble as your arms tried to cover yourself. He grabbed your wrists, pulling them to his chest as he pulled you closer. His lips pressed down onto yours, giving you a sweet and quick kiss.  

“Stop. This is perfect. You being naked is better than any lingerie in the world.” He pushed you away softly, marveling over your body for a moment. “How did I get so lucky?”

Your lips curled up softly as you tugged at his shirt. “I would feel a little more secure if you were naked too.”

He wore a cocky grin as he untucked his shirt from his pants, unbuttoning it slowly, revealing his refined chest. He slipped the shirt down and off his shoulders but left the tie around his neck leaving him to look like what you assumed the embodiment of sin looked like.  

His shoes and socks were off before you could even notice because all you could focus on was the warmth between your legs when you saw his growing member in his pants.  

When his hands found their way to the button on them, your eyes shot up to his and he had a even cockier smile slapped on his face. “do you see something you like?” he asked gently as he unbuttoned his pants.  

You nodded, gulping as your thighs pressed together.

After unzipping, his pants dropped to the ground and immediately, his cock sprung free. You could have laughed had you not been so aroused. It seemed you both thought to go commando on your wedding day and that silly thing reminded you that you made a good choice.  

You had to admit, Jongdae looked damn good in only a tie with a rock hard cock but you wondered why he had neglected to remove it.  

His hands urged your forward, finding their way to your hips when you closed in in him. His lips immediately covered yours, prying them open and fighting a war against your tongue with his. You neatly melted into his touch, feeling the way his cock twitched against your body from where it was pressed so roughly against.  

You felt a moan escape your lips when his hands slipped down to cover your bottom and Jongdae rumbled a growl in return.  

He pushed you down onto the bed, smiling as he slowly undid his tie. He hovered over you and you felt the warmth his body had radiated. Tiny sparks connected your skin together and if you looked hard enough, you swore you saw them.  

“My love, I have many ways I can and want to make use of this.” He stretched the tie between his two hands as he stared at you, “How would you like me to use it?”

You scoffed, “Almighty Jongdae too good for vanilla sex?”

For a moment he froze until he realized you were joking, and then he growled, “You’re going to regret that.”  

In an instant, your roaming hands were pinned above your head and fastened with his tie. You groaned, unable to free yourself unless you used a lot of pressure – you seemed to like the position although and decided not to pop the weak tie lose.  

Jongdae ran a tongue across his lips, “I very much like this. Seeing you submissive below me, in the exact position I dreamed of having you in for years.”

He leaned down, pressing your thighs apart and moving himself between them. His breath tickled your neck before it reached your ear, “Do you have any idea of how bad I needed this?”

Your body convulsed as one of his thighs connected with your warmth, making you realize just how wet you were when you felt it seep onto his leg.  

You struggled to reach out, wanting badly to dig your nails into his skin but alas, you couldn’t. He pressed his leg harder against you and you quivered. “How long are you going to tease?” you wondered, “You talk about how long it’s been but yet you take your time. Just fuck me already, Jongdae.”

His eyes darkened, “I’m trying to go gentle and slow for your sake. It’s our first time if you think about it. I want it to be special.”

Rolling your eyes, you snapped the tie that held your hands over your head, “It will be special whether your fuck me hard and fast and slow and agonizing. Right now, I want hard and fast. You can save that slow shit for later.”

His eyes flashed red and he turned you over in an instant, face pressed against the bed and you sighed in pleasure when you felt the cool air caress between your legs before Jongdae pulled your ass up and right over his cock. You felt it touch you briefly and that was enough to get you going.

“If it’s too much, tell me to stop.”

You nodded but thought to yourself that there was no way you would ask him to stop. You were so sexually deprived that you couldn’t bear to.  

The second he slipped inside you, you felt like you were going to combust. Your legs shook and you realized Jongdae wrapped an arm around your lower half to keep it upright. You felt like jello but jello that had been electrocuted.  

Besides the sexual relief you felt, you had hot tears running down your cheeks because you realized just how much you loved Jongdae. You realized how close you were to leaving him behind and it intensified every sense.  

Jongdae moaned and you could hear his relief too. He held you tightly but not just out of pleasure as he thrust in and out of you.  

With every stroke, you could feel so much. And you felt amazing.

Jongdae kissed the exposed skin on your back as he thrust you into the bed. Your nails raking against the sheets and you were lucky that’s all it was because had it been Jongdae, you knew you would have been able to make him bleed.  

“Y/N,” Jongdae panted out as he pushed deeper into you, thrusting hard and fast.  

It wasn’t the goal to make this last long and you didn’t care at this point. You felt everything you needed. Love, passion, pain and lust. Everything the last years had been building up to this and it was enough of a release for you.  

But the didn’t stop from Jongdae pulling orgasm after orgasm out of you when his hand reached around and fiercely rubbed your clit.  

“I love you,” you breathed out, trying to hold back from collapsing.  

“I love you too,” he whimpered.  

You could feel his sweat stick to your skin as he held himself back and you reached back, trying to grab his hands in the empty air behind you. After a few moments of him thrusting slowly, he grabbed your hand,  holding tightly as it forced you deeper into the sheets.  

“Don’t hold back anymore,” your words were muffled but he heard then because he could hear you. Without needing to seen your words, he felt them deep in your soul and one of his hands cupped your soulmate mark as he quickened his speed, moaning and crumbling behind you. You felt his release before he vocalized it and you felt a stupid grin slipping onto your wrecked face.  

After coming, he quickly pulled you out of the sheets and into his arms.  

You looked at him for several long moments before burying your face in his neck.  

“That was not how I planned,” he said softly, “I meant to go gentle on you.”

You scoffed, “I’m not human anymore, Jongdae.”  

He shook his head, “No, but you’re my mate. I need to be careful with you.”

“I’m not going to break, and you’d be very surprised by what I can take.” You lifted your face up to smile at him, “Love, that’s not even half of it.”

“Didn’t scare you away?” he asked reluctantly.  

You shook your head, “Not even quite. In fact, I wanted you to bite me this time.” 

Jongdae groaned, “Stop you’re going to get me worked up again.”

You scoffed, “Good. I want you worked up and I want you over and over till all I can think about is you inside me. If it felt this good from a quick and fast time, I can’t imagine how much better it will feel with your teeth sunk into me.”

Jongdae sucked in a breath, “That’s it. I’ve had enough.”

And this time, when he sunk inside you, he sunk his teeth in too.

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

And in some twisted way, you got your happily ever after…

With some kinks to be worked out.  

Things like Baekhyun and his habit of making thirsty comments towards you because the horny vampire had yet to find his mate. Things like your sister and Jongin in the fresh beginnings of their relationship and their. Things with the other family that you still knew nothing about were rocky since the whole incident happened.  

And then Yixing, the person who you tried to make the last thought on your mind although, he would never be the last thought… but he would never be the first.  

You assumed no matter how much love Jongdae gave you, the rejection and the broken mateship would always hurt at times. Most days, you didn’t think of it. But then times like this, time just when you thought you were closing a chapter of your life for a new one, you remembered.

You remembered him as your fingers hung a doctorate degree and Jongdae watched from beside you. You remembered him as if he were a memory because that’s all he seemed to be anymore and that hurt.

Surely you lied to your sister when you said you didn’t hurt over him but yet, you hadn’t completely lied because some days, most days, you were great.  

Jongdae pressed a loving kiss to your forehead and the unspoken words hurt you even more when his lips touched your temple. He was in pain too. Yixing had left his mark on more than just you and his absence had his whole family aching. You could feel it radiate off Jongdae and you knew he felt it radiating off of you.  

But as with most things, you had him and that was enough to keep you going.  

Jongdae was your life and everything hurt way less with your heart in his hands.  

☾ ❁ ❁ ❁ ☽

He had become dull. There was no life left to him. His heart was empty and so was his body.  

The only remains of feelings he had left were the scar that adorned his hip. The scar from what he had done to you.  

His space from you was purposeful. Not just to let you and Jongdae live in peace but also so everyone could live in peace. It was better this way.  

He assumed this wouldn’t hurt and neither of you would die since you had no more ties.  

It hurt more to see your face and not know a single thing about you, Yixing thought.  

Every invitation you extended his way went on deaf ears as he crumbled it up and threw it into his fireplace.  

He wanted to be around you but at what cost? He was a Lord now and everything was different. He was more powerful but also belonged less to his family than he ever had. He was no longer a typical vampire. He dealt more with life and death dealings than anything and that is why, Lords had no soulmate. They weren’t supposed to love because it would interfere. You could see them kind of like a guardian angel and a grim reaper mixed into one.  

Hell, it was still foggy to him as he learned from Lord K, your self proclaimed father.  

Even if he had stripped himself of everything that had to do with you, he couldn’t lose Lord K. His mentor and his only friend.  

“You will continue to suffer until you let them back in,” he would tell Yixing but Yixing was firm.  

Last time he went away, he had reasons to stay. To keep himself alive, to keep you alive.  

Now, there was nothing. No reason to stay.  

He was just bad memories to everyone around him and Yixing couldn’t forget it.  

Sometimes, he had just wished he died because at least with death you could grieve and one day feel free of most of the pain.  

With him alive, neither you nor he could ever properly grieve.

And it was haunting him.

Hitting a lone key on the piano, Jongdae looked down at you sternly. “Hit the note again.”

“Excuse me? I didn’t sign up for a vocal lesson today. Especially with the likes of you.”

“Oh, you mean as the one with the most experience?” Jongdae stated, grinning lopsidedly. “Don’t worry, Y/N. I won’t charge you for it. Now, hit that note again.”

You didn’t know what compelled you to do it. Nor did you realise how obedient you were over the next thirty minutes as Jongdae drew out a sound that you had been struggling to reach. His expressions were now gentle, smiling and nodding at you as you hit the note over and over, each time with more conviction.

He had truly morphed the sound of your song already.

When you came to a stop after singing the full chorus, you looked at the man beside you and smiled. “Well, I hate that I’m admitting this but thank you. That really helped me.”

“Do you know what else I’m sure you’d hate to admit?” Jongdae questioned and you narrowed your gaze on the charming smile on his lips. He was always dangerously handsome when he got like this.

“What?”

“All this tension between us is not because you hate how good I am, though, I don’t think it’s all that bad to have a rival,” he started and you rolled your eyes at his cockiness, about to cut him off when he stole the words right out of your mouth, kissing you passionately.

You cursed inwardly for wasting no time in responding, your hand reaching out to grip the edge of his unzipped jacket, drawing him in closer. Your lips melded together as if they had the fitting components to become one and you didn’t pull away until you were breathless, staring at Jongdae wide-eyed. He was dishevelled and yet he smirked, wiping at his now swollen lips as he stood up. You followed his movement, addicted to the bitter taste of him already.

“Looks like we might have to explore this more often, Y/N. I’ll let you get back to your practice. I’ll be listening out to ensure you’re hitting all those notes too.”

“What if I don’t?” you breathed, and Jongdae stilled in his departure, throwing a look at you over his shoulder.

“I guess we’ll have to get more creative in how I help you reach those high notes then.”

_________________

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

Subject 01

Male | Healthy

• Assigned to Doctor S.

• Calm in temperament.

• Has show the ability to condense water from the air around him.

• Can also manipulate this water in an untested amount of ways.

• Can speak, read, and write.

LOGS : 10/3

Subject 10

Male | Deceased

• Assigned to Doctor X.

• Sweet in nature.

• Had the ability to heal others around him.

• Was the least likely to fight when provoked.

• Could speak, read, but cannot write.

LOGS : terminated 9/30 

Subject 04

Male | Healthy 

• Assigned to Doctor B.

• Playful in nature.

• Vital sighs drop to dangerous levels when left in complete darkness.

• Has the ability to create and manipulate light.

• Can speak, cannot read, or write.

LOGS : 10/2

Subject 21

Male | Heathy

• Assigned to Doctor C.

• Intelligent in nature.

• Unmapable brain activity.

• Has shows not only to be able to influence electronic devices, but also the electronic pulses in other organisms.

• Can speak, read, and write.

LOGS : 10/1 

Subject 61

Male | Sick

• Assigned to Doctor C.

• Reckless in temperament.

• Average body temperature is approximately 113°F (45°C)

• Has the ability to spontaneously create fire, without a spark or fuel

• Can speak, cannot read, or write.

Doctor’s Note: An experiment was performed, where he was placed in a container with no oxygen, other then the mask that fed it to him to keep him alive. When he gained consciousness, he proseeded to immediately breath fire and burn all of the oxygen in his mask, tank, and his lungs.

LOGS : x

Subject 12

Male | Induced Sickness

• Assigned to Doctor B.

• Cold in temperament.

• Has the ability to create earthquakes, usually the of greatest intensity with little more then one word.

• Is usually kept in a mask with a gag.

• Can speak, read, and write.

LOGS : x

Subject 88

Male | Induced Sickness

• Assigned to Doctor Z.

• Unpredictabile in nature.

• Has the ability to teleport.

• Tests show this is limited to only places he has seen or been.

• Cannot speak, read, or write.

LOGS : 10/4

Subject 94

Male | Healthy

• Assigned to Doctor S.

• Mischievous in temperament.

• Has the ability to create and control air waves

• Tests show with the smallest of airwaves, like a simple hand clap, he can turn into a full blown twister.

• Can speak, cannot read, or write.

It had been a long time since Jongdae had been this hollow, a cavern carved out of his chest, the inflamed tissue now a home for despair rather than a heart. 

He had only himself to blame. Jongdae did not shy away from admitting his wrongs. The least he could do was admit them and leave behind any self-pity festering in his broken heart like an infection. 

Instead he did what he knew how to do best; he spilled all his sorrows and apologies as ink onto paper. 

Ironically, that ability, this dysfunctional coping mechanism, was the very reason he was in the predicament in the first place.

Your love for me was like an inkwell; never drying

And I, 

I was like a pen,

Which drew from you forever.

I did not notice,

How you dried up in silence,

Blinded by the illusion of your infinity.

Sometimes the best things in your life; the best people, leave. Sometimes you leave them. It is all a vicious cycle of life. A part of life he had recently became intimate with. Nothing lasts forever. All is finite. All good things must come to an end. 

Still Jongdae’s biggest regret of all, was the fact you didn’t have to be finite. 

If only he had paid more attention to you, instead of drowning in ink and pretty words, he could have continued on. With you by his side.

He had left the building of his publishing company, glancing up at the sky. The heavens were heavy this morning, overcast with clouds so dark and looming day had taken on the look of night. There was no rain yet, but Jongdae was sure that at some point the clouds would be unable to hold their weight, and the rain would come in a violent storm. Like any other summer.

The inkwell is empty and when the pen immerses

It comes back dry,

Leaving the words I wanted to write,

To remain a whim.

The ride back to his apartment was quiet, the sky still ominous, but Jongdae knew that the calmness, and the stillness were bad omens. The calm before the storm. The only question that bugged him was when the sky would open, pouring its tears onto the ground from the sky in a hail of bullets. 

He wondered how loud the heavens would roar as it happened. Would it feel as if the windows were shaking? Would he be able to feel it in his bones, despite tucking himself away in his apartment? 

Would it shake him the same way you leaving him did?

He doubted that- nature didn’t have the same kind of power. A storm was not a woman; although it was eerily similar in its magnitude.

He flicked through the anthology, finally taking the time to appreciate the work and effort put into its creation. The cream coloured pages stared at him with hundreds of ink eyes.  Their looks were accusing, and among the black letters, he saw you. Your eyes, clear and sparkling in the way they looked at you, your smile bright. He reminisced the adoration with which he looked at you those the last few years, eyes wide and sparkling at everything you did. The corners of his lips quirked upwards in a cat-like smile at the happy memories.

Finally, after the present settled over him again, pulling him out of the happy daydream, his smile fell, and the light feeling in his chest, and the way his heart beat a little faster at the memory of your soft lips against his left him too. It left him cold and aching despite being hidden away safely within his home, His heart nestled safely in in his chest, protected by the cage of his ribs.

Light brown eyes moved to look out the window, the world outside brightened by flashes of lightning. On the table before him, the vase of red tulips was wilting, the petals falling gracelessly against the windowsill, no longer their vibrant red, but rather a burgundy colour fading into brown.

Like flowers on the windowsill,

I forgot that unlike the ones growing wild in meadows,

The rain shall not come water you,

And that dew shall not condense on you like the pearls, 

Which I never gave you.

You sat in your old room, surveying its blank walls. When you moved out, your parents took down all the posters, and drawings you stuck on the pastel green paint. It was the decision you made at thirteen, and the decision you cursed all your Uni years. A decision you had accepted over time. Now you found the colour soothing and familiar, and in a world where you were always moving, you were glad for the little comfort it brought you. It was still your room. 

Now, with the turn of events, you moved back, and you were ready to reclaim your space; the tubes and frames at your feet were the beginning. 

One photo was staring at you, of you, a little younger, smiling along with the man beside you. You were in a meadow filled with wild flowers you had frequented with you mother when you were little. You remembered the raspberry bushes you used to pick fruit from, and you remember making flower crowns from the chamomile growing there. 

You had taken that man there. Showed him all your favourite things; the meadow, the raspberry bushes, the sketchbook filled with gouache paintings. He showed you the ink splattered notebooks and the small coffee shop at the end of the street. 

But the sunny days were over. The storm raged outside, thunder clashing in the darkness. And the raspberry bushes were gone too, and concrete blocks had taken their place. 

And the man no longer showed you the world with ink stained fingers either.

But he had not showed you anything for a long time now, even before you left your shared apartment. So you left him. It had felt like he had left you a long time before you did. 

Your mother’s voice broke you from your musings, and you left your room surprised to see her standing in the corridor with a brown package. She handed it to you wordlessly and disappeared into the kitchen. The look she gave you was piercing, and there was a certain amount of concern floating behind her soft eyes. You tightened the grip on the flimsy paper that wrapped around the object, and you could already feel that it was book.

For a moment you didn’t understand why it came; you certainly didn’t order one, but the look in your mothers eyes was enough to tell you who it was from.

“So he did finish.” You murmured, hands tearing at the paper in desperation, giving way to the soft green of the cover.

 Flowers in April

The golden lettering was delicate and beautiful, and you wondered why he mailed it to you. You were no longer together. You walked out months ago. You were moving on.

Opening the book, your attention was caught by the handwritten note on the front page, the black pen standing in stark contrast against the off-white paper.

 “To my muse.

I thought it would only be fair to give this to you, after all you had suffered because of it. You should at least know why you were suffering.

I’m sorry for all my shortcomings.

-      Jongdae”

 Your eyes followed the trail of the pen, his handwriting familiar from the little notes he used to leave for you, and the shopping lists that were stuck to your fridge.

The ache of your heart was familiar too, familiar from all the nights he ignored you, and every time you sat at the dinner table alone with only the tv to keep you company. The heart in your chest ached for your loneliness, but it also ached for the home that was long gone, the home you did not wish to return to and the man who occupied it now. This time, he was the one eating dinner at the empty table, sleeping in bed alone and you had no pity for him left.

But you are not a flower, 

You were a woman.

You are a woman.

And I, 

was not a pen,

But a man.

Jongdae listened to the thunder raging outside, shaking his windows, turning his day into night with anger. 

That was one of the ways You and the storm were different. You did not shout, you were not like the storm, shaking the windows in their frames and destroying things in the wake of your rage. You had left quietly, given back the keys to your shared home, and before he could protest, make an excuse for his absence, you had left without a word, leaving no trace behind but the cracks in his heart. 

7 months ago

You came back from work, ready to order takeaway and watch films with your boyfriend. The weariness in your bones weighed you down as you made your way up the stairs, wanting nothing more than to climb under a blanket in the living room, wrapped in Jongdae’s arms. 

The door opened, and you caught the sight of him at the kitchen counter, his phone in hand, calling someone. 

“Jongdae, do you want pizza?” You asked, looking up at the leaflet you had stuck on the fridge. You turned to face him, weariness leaving your bones at the hope of spending the evening in peace. The lightness does not last long, and he crushes it in his hands, unknowingly, without a thought.

“I’m busy.” The words leave you heavy. You know them too well now it seems. Jongdae had been like this for a while, more preoccupied with phone calls and writing than sparing you a moment. Just like you, he seems tired, but for a different reason. One you do not know, and one is not willing to share. 

“What about watching a film later?” You try again, hoping. Being foolish. Deep down you know the answer already, feel the rejection before it comes. Your heart has been breaking recently. The cracks started growing deeper, and you don’t know how to mend them.

“I don’t know.” He tells you, his soft voice cold and indifferent, eyes not looking at you when he speaks, and with another crack, you realise he hadn’t looked at you since you arrived.

PRESENT 

You had walked out of your office, your hands now empty as you left your portfolio and necessary documents with the client. You had finalised the designs this week and everything was ready for editing. 

You were given the task of illustrating a reprint of a popular book series recently, and you had been very proud of your work. So far it was one of the biggest projects you have done. It seemed you were riding the lucky wave. Your boss had given you a slight raise as you moved to a better position at the company. This project had been a success, and the company was contracted for another project, and the clients had requested you. 

It was time to celebrate. 

You had invited your friends out for a few drinks later that night. 

The bar had a chic vibe to it. Everything was made of sleek wood and toned down colours, coupled with the dim lighting and pretty chandeliers, it was a perfect place for you to unwind and gloat your success. You didn’t get to do it every day. 

You were sipping on you third cocktail, your three friends laughing at some work gossip. It had been a pleasant night so far. That is, until you caught the eyes of Jongdae’s publisher. The woman had averted her eyes when she saw you looking, but you could still make out the displeased look on her face, and the sour curl of her red lips. 

The black dress she was wearing was fancy. Fancier than what you wore, but it did not bother you. not until your eyes found the one person you hoped not to see that night. 

It was not that you hated him. It was not that you loathed him. It was that you resented him. For how he had treated you; spent the last months of your relationship ignoring you. As if you didn’t live right there with him. As if you didn’t share his bed. As if you were not irrevocably in love with him. 

Your heart broke all over again, seeing him here, with the beautiful woman opposite him, when he had said he was too busy to come here with you. 

His eyes caught yours. Their soft brown drawing you in with their warmth. He was still familiar, he still looked too much like home to you. And in your slightly intoxicated state, you saw the regret and remorse bubbling behind the kaleidoscope of browns in his irises. Or maybe you just wished to see it. 

You didn’t want to find out. 

“He’s here.” You turned to your friends, and the moment they realised who you were talking about, they had made their way to the bar.

“Can we get a tequila?” Your friend asked, bringing over a whole bottle of the alcohol, along with four shot glasses.

“What’s that for?” You asked, surveying the glass wearily.

“For the fun of it.” She told you, the cheeky smile that formed on her lips matched the flame in her eyes.

“You are beautiful. Never forget that.” She told you as you took your first shot.

Only when I had lost you, I realised 

That you, like an inkwell

Needed to be filled.

And like a flower,

Needed to be watered;

With words of love,

Looks of awe,

With warmth.

6 months ago

“I’m eating with the editors.” Jongdae told you as he fixed his tie in the hallway mirror, barely sparing you a glance into the kitchen. You had spent the last hour making his favourite, hoping against hope he would stay for dinner. Turned out you were trying in vain.

“I thought we could eat together.” You told him, your voice small, barely above a whisper as the hope fuelled elation left your body.

“Not today.” Jongdae said, his voice softer, sounding resigned as his shoulders hunched a little. He had been feeling tired lately, bored. For now, he wanted to leave. Get out of the familiar four walls, breathe in some fresh air.

Dinner with the editors was a good reason to leave. Besides, he was in the process of writing his third anthology, and it was an important meeting he had to attend. Jongdae needed everything to go smoothly.

His hands fell to his sides when he stopped fixing his tie, and you barely heard the quiet goodbye that left his lips. Or maybe you just imagined he said it. Lately, you couldn’t figure out which it was.

Tears burned the back of your eyes, but you didn’t let any spill. Outside, Jongdae had put his head in his hands breathing deeply, before getting in the car and driving away.

You felt him climb into bed late in the night, but he never moved closer. He used to brush your hair back and kiss your forehead before falling asleep, but now he stayed far away, and you had been colder in your bed with him than you would feel with a stranger. 

And your heart broke.

PRESENT

Jongdae found your form in between the tables, eyes glued to the side of your face, feeling more like a spectre than a man. His heart roared in his chest, beating against his ribs the way an animal beat at the bars of their cage. The way it had not done in months. For a moment, the moment that lasted a split second when your eyes met, he felt more alive than the last few months. 

His anthology had been a success, and he had come in to celebrate that. Still, the biggest celebration, better than wine and better than gin, was the sight of you. 

His publisher had seen it, the way his eyes fell on you, again and again. Jongdae, for the life of him, could not understand the way her lips curled when she caught your eyes. He was too preoccupied with stealing glances your way to pay attention to her. 

Everything about you called to him, reminding him of his love for you. Reviving the passion you had shared, setting his whole body aflame. The sight of you flowed over him like water, cold and refreshing. He was awake. For the first time in forever he felt lucid. 

“Well done Jongdae. Your anthology had just become a bestseller.” His publisher told him, reaching over the table to hold his hand. He brought it back instantly as if it burned. 

Over the course of the last months he had figured out what he done wrong. He had admitted his shortcomings. And he had promised himself to be better, for you. He was not going to ruin it tonight. 

Sitting among your friends, you were glowing. Dressed in your best dress, eyes sparkling as laughter bubbled from your chest. It was a warming sight, like watching flowers unravelling in the spring. And his heart wretched when he realised, he wasn’t the reason for your joy any longer.

Now, you, like a wildflower,

Are experiencing spring again,

After a harsh winter.

You are spreading your petals,

And green leaves.

And I, like a fool,

Stare at the empty windowsill,

Not seeing you.

I cannot water you anymore,

And pearls, like dew

I cannot give you.

He watched you stand up and make your way to the exit, and without a moment of hesitation, he was out of his chair too, making a bee line to you, heart pounding at the idea of you. 

He caught you by the elbow as you turned away from the bar.

“Jongdae.” You warned him, voice low as you stared right into his eyes. Jongdae’s eyes were soft when he looked at you, and you could make out their glassy sheen of tears in the darkness.

“I know what I did wrong.” He told you, sincerity lacing his voice, thick with remorse and deeper than usual. You could feel the desperation rolling off of him like waves.

He was wearing a nice suit today. A deep grey with a bluish tinge, and a white button up underneath. His fringe was parted, exposing his forehead and the straight brows that furrowed as he looked into your eyes, searching for something. Whatever it was; forgiveness or hate, he didn’t find it.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“That is how I find out?” You spat. He knew you were talking about the anthology. 

“You didn’t call.” You accuse him, poking a finger against his chest, and he lets you.

“I wrote it.” He tells you, silently begging for you to understand. But you won’t. Not this time. You had told him already; tell me what happened, tell me why you didn’t talk to me. 

Instead, he wrote an anthology, spilling all of it on paper. Just like he always did. Just like you suspected he always would. And you had grown tired of that. He spilled all his emotions onto paper, dressed hem up in pretty words and rhymes. Devoted his time into doing so. By doing that he left you alone, and as he spilled all the love he had for you somewhere else, you were left to give him your love. Over the last months of yoir relationship, all the little acts of love had ceased to exist. There was no notes left on the fridge, there was no flowers on the vase on the table.

“You did.” You tell him, disappointment rolling off your tongue, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. 

The whole world now knew you broke his heart. The whole world knew you left him without a word. But did the world know how he had left you, months before you left him? How you had sat at dinner alone and slept alone. Did they know that? Did Jongdae tell them that? Did he write about his faults? 

You didn’t know, and you didn’t know if you wanted to find out.

“Y/N.” He starts, but there is nothing that comes out of his mouth, and you shake your head. Desperately wanting him to understand. Because despite everything, you still love him, but you cannot live like this, like a stranger that shares his bed at night.

“I don’t think you figured it out quite yet.” You tell him when he stays silent, not knowing what to say. You find it amusing. A poet lost for words.

“I didn’t pay attention.” He confesses, looking defeated.

“I locked myself away and tried to run from you.” He tells you, walking closer, his wide eyes looking straight into your own.

“I was too proud to say something was wrong. Too proud to admit that I was doing something wrong.” He admitted, hands balled into fists. For a moment he averts his gaze, looking everywhere but you, before bringing it back to you, eyes red with unshed tears, shoulders shaking with frustration.

“I wasn’t sincere. I should have told you then, that I love you, instead of keeping it to myself. I thought you knew, but no one can read minds.”

“I’m sorry.” He tells you, and you know he is apologising for his actions. All but the writing. You could see the ink stains on his fingers even now. You had accepted him writing, locking himself up for a week and coming out a dying man. You have accepted that. But you have not accepted the way he treated you then, and you were not going to accept ever again.

“I’m not ready to accept your apology.” You tell him, voice even, and you seem calm as he looks at you with the hopeful spark fading from his eyes.

“Why didn’t you just,” You begin, searching for the right words, “Why didn’t you tell me then?” You finally ask, referring to the poems in the anthology. Love poems- all directed at you, written from the very beginning of your relationship.

“I didn’t know how.” He admits, wrapping his arms around you, burying his nose in your hair.

“You should have done this earlier.” You tell him, hugging him back, feeling like you have come back home for the first time in months.

“I know.” He whispers, caressing your hair, bringing you closer by the shoulders, until he envelops you.

“I know.” He mumbles again, and you listen to his heart beating out of his chest.

You move away, letting him go, before giving him one last look.

“I’m glad you know. Goodbye Jongdae.” You tell him, your voice soft, without any hint of malice. You seem content. You feel content. This was you leaving on your own terms. You loved him. of course you loved him. Sometimes though, you think, love is not enough. It does not keep you warm at night, or less lonely. Sometimes love is not given equally as it should. So you leave, walk away without turning back, knowing now where it was that he had spilled all his love- into words. You thought, that maybe, just maybe- Jongdae loved his words more than he loved you.

Jongdae followed your retreating figure walking back to your friends, glowing like the sun. As he was left in the dark night outside the bar, alone.

I’ve lost my privilege to love you

I can only apologize to you,

For being winter,

When I should have been endless spring;

How you were, 

My infinite happiness.

The library is still, suspended in the furious quiet of intense studying and ruffled pages. Typing echoes. Iced coffees are slowly sipped. Pens scribble across fresh paper.

Your phone catches your attention, new text message vibrating on the mahogany table. Instantly, you pretend you don’t notice, that you don't feel the tremble that quickens your heartbeat. His name lights up the screen, one more invitation, and you swallow thickly.

The phone buzzes again, an urgent reminder, and you clench your fists in concentration.

"Aren't you gonna answer?" Jongdae asks nonchalantly, highlighting new notes in his textbook.

"No, I think we should focus." You try, biting the inside of your cheek.

Jongdae doesn't buy it-- of course he doesn’t. Knowing eyes seize you up, and before you can do anything, his gaze locks on your phone screen lighting up one last time.

You hold your breath. A disarray of emotions filter over Jongdae's features and you feel the air around you both turn cold.

"You called him, didn't you?" Jongdae asks, a confused stare peering over his laptop.  The moment holds, stale as the silence expands between you and the words get stuck between your teeth.

You keep your eyes on your notes, already feeling the defense bubbling in your throat. Its acidic, the shame, burning pink on your cheeks. You try to say something, anything, but you both remember too well how often you go looking for love in dark places.

"You can't keep doing this." Jongdae says suddenly, pushing away from the table. The unexpectedness of his anger lashes across you like a slap to the face.

You look up at him with wide eyes.

"You can't keep calling up terrible people just because you think you deserve to be treated badly." Jongdae snarls, slamming his laptop shut.

The heat creeps across your cheeks but before you can say anything, Jongdae begins to gather his notes with a new animosity.

"All Chanyeol knows how to do is treat you like shit." he snaps. "And I'm tired of picking up your broken pieces."

Jongdae hauls his backpack over his shoulder and storms away. You're speechless, indignant tears swelling in your eyes, but you know better than to follow him.

You know he's right-- and maybe that's the part that hurts the most.