#chatsthatdon'texist

Levi: Guys we have a bit of a situation

Satan: Which is?

Levi: Someone drugged Lucifer 

Belphie: That was me. 

Beel: Why?

Asmo: You have to ask?

Mammon: Holy shit he's drugged? I gotta find my camera.

Levi: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

MC: Why? 

Satan: Yeah, why?

Belphie: All I did was tranquilize him. Go take all the pictures you want. 

[ Private Lucifer Chat ]

Lucifer: MC can you come over please

MC: It’s rare for you to beg. 

Lucifer: Maybe I don’t do it enough.

MC: Yeah, you don’t. 

Lucifer: MC please come I want to see you. Very badly. 

Lucifer: I’m lonely without you. 

Lucifer: Please?

MC: Belphie’s sleeping on my lap. 

Lucifer: But I need you. My lap is empty. 

MC: Lucifer?

Lucifer: I want you on my lap.

MC: Are you good rn?

Mammon: No

MC: Mammon did you steal my credit card

Mammon: No

MC: Mammon did you steal my credit card

Mammon: No

MC: Mammon do you want to kiss me

Mammon: I said no already

MC: Belphie we’ve been over this

Belphie: I’d be fine if it were Beel but Lucifer

MC: Belphie are you listening to me?

MC: Hey, brat, I’m talking to you. Don’t you dare go to sleep while texting me.

Belphie: Oh, I’m a brat now?

MC: *Bro

Belphie: That wasn’t a typo

MC: And you’re not upset so stfu

Mammon: Like anything at all

Mammon: Diamonds, designer boots, sunglasses, famous artwork?

MC: Actually I was just thinking I wanted you

MC: Mammon?

MC: Are you sure you’re not wearing them?

Lucifer: Don’t be silly. 

*20 minutes later*

MC: So did you find them?

Lucifer: Yes. 

MC: Where were they? Did Mammon steal them? 

MC: Lucifer?

Mammon: MC have you seen my sunglasses

MC: Mammon you broke them three days ago

Mammon: No I bought new ones. The pink-tinted ones. 

MC: Oh sorry I thought those were mine. I guess I stole them from you haha.

Mammon: Okay then consider them a gift from the Great Mammon™ Be grateful that I’m letting you off this easy!

MC: Then I accept with the utmost gratitude, Mammon-sama

[ Brothers + MC Group ]

Beel: Guys, Mammon totaled his car again.

Lucifer: What did he destroy this time. 

Satan: Looks like it was just an old brick wall. Still pissed off a gardener though. 

MC: Is Mammon okay?

Beel: He’s mostly okay. The airbags Solomon helped install are working great, so he’s just unconscious at the moment. 

Belphie: He was texting while driving again. 

Lucifer: How many times have I told him...

MC: Son of a devil... I made him crash... 

Asmo: What?

MC: Just occurred to me after someone mispronounced my name again. 

Asmo: The only one who’s ever called me that was Lucifer. 

MC: im sorry WHAT

MC: Not even Mammon? Belphie? Levi?

MC: But LUCIFER?

Asmo: Sorry I meant he’s the only one that did it by MISTAKE. He was a little drunk 🤣

Asmo: But no one’s done it on purpose since they realized I take it as a ✨ compliment ✨

MC: Wait why

Asmo: I have a nice ass, don’t I~?

MC: The culprit is?

Satan: You!

MC: Me? 

MC: What’d I do?

Satan: You stole my heart and committed arson against my body!