#chariton

"Chaereas, so stricken, could barely make his way home; he was like a hero mortally wounded in battle, too proud to fall but too weak to stand.

The girl, for her part, fell at Aphrodite's feet and kissed them. When night came, it brought suffering to both, for the fire was raging within them.

The girl suffered more because she could not bear to give herself away and so said nothing to anyone.

But when Chaereas began to waste away bodily, he found courage, as befitted a youth of noble and generous disposition, to tell his parents that he was in love and would die if he did not marry Callirhoe.

"Then I have lost you, my boy! Hemocrates would certainly never give you his daughter when he has so many rich and royal suitors for her. You must not even try to win her, or we shall be publicly insulted.

Then the father tried to comfort his son, but his illness grew so serious that he did not even go out and follow his usual pursuits. The gymnasium missed Chaereas; it was almost deserted, for he was the idol of the young folk. They asked after him, and, when they found out what had made him ill, they all felt pity for a handsome youth who looked as if he would die because his noble heart was broken.

A regular assembly took place at this time. When the people had taken their seats, their first and only cry was: "Noble Hemocrates, great general, save Chaereas! That will be your first monument! The city pleads for marriage, today, of a pair worthy of each other!"

Who could describe that assembly? It was dominated by Eros. Hemocrates loved his county and could not refused what was asked. When he gave his consent, the whole meeting rushed from the theater; the young men went off to find Chaereas, the council and archons escorted Hemocrates, and the Syracusan's wives too went to his house, to attend the bride. The sound of the marriage hymn pervaded the city, the streets were filled with garlands and torches, porches were wet with wine and perfume. The Syracusans celebrated this day even more joyously than the day of their victory.

The girl knew nothing of all this; she lay on her bed, her face covered, crying and uttering not a word. Her nurse came to her as she lay there.

"Get up, my child," she said. "The day we have all been praying so hard for has come: the city is here to see you married!"

And then her limbs gave way, her heart felt faint for she did not know whom she was going to marry. She fainted then and there; darkness veiled her eyes and she almost expired; the spectators thought it maidenly modesty. As soon as the maids had dressed her, the crowd at the door went away, and his parents brought the bridegroom to the door. Well, Chaereas ran to her and kissed her, and when she saw it was the man she loved, Callirhoe, like the flame in a lamp that is on the point of going out and has oil poured in it, at once grew bright again and bigger and stronger."

Have you ever heard of Chaireas and Callirhoe? Chances are you haven’t. These two charming people (literally - their names mean “Charming” and “Flowing-with-beauty”) are the hero and heroine of an Ancient Greek romance, specifically the oldest complete Ancient Greek romance, written around the 1st century AD by someone called Chariton of Aphrodisias (literally “Handsome from the town of Aphrodite” - notice a trend here?).

In the modern world, Callirhoe would fit in perfectly with the exciting-but-lightweight novels you find at an airport shop. The Roman writer Persius agrees:

His mane edictum, post prandia Callirhoen do.

To these I recommend “What’s On" in the morning and Callirhoe after lunch. (Satires 1.134)

That said, unlike most airport romance novels, you are seriously missing out on something if you haven’t read this one. Allow me to explain.

The story revolves around a young woman, Callirhoe, who is the best thing to happen to Sicily since their victory against the Athenians (an event which the narrator won’t fail to bring up whenever possible). What’s so special about her? She’s beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Like, regularly-compared-to-Aphrodite, seriously-Paris-would-ditch-Helen-for-her beautiful. Men fall head over heels in love with her at first sight. Women are green with envy. Suitors come from all horizons to meet her. Sailors row twice as fast when she’s on board, spurred by her presence. That’s how beautiful Callirhoe is.

Not only is she beautiful, she has character. She may not have much power in this men’s world, but that won’t stop her from knowing exactly what she wants and sassing back at the Persian king’s favourite eunuch for bossing her around. At one point, when she’s given bad news, her first impulse isn’t to lament her fate but to pluck out the eyes of the person who told her. She isn’t just a piece of booty being handed from one lovestruck man to the next. She’s got brains, and guts too.

Callirhoe's love interest is someone who can best be described as an emo jock. Didn’t think that was possible? Enter Chaireas. When he’s first introduced, he’s leaving the gym, cheeks red and muscles rippling from the exercise. He’s the handsomest and most popular of the guys, and clearly the life of the party - when he stops going to the gym, everyone else stops going too, because it just isn’t the same without him.

That said, I’ve never met a character with less of a will to live than Chaireas. MCR lyrics pale in comparison to his angst. The poor guy tries to commit suicide at least seven times in the book - I say “at least” because I stopped counting after the seventh time. (I also have to point out that one of these times is because he’s sailing away and feels bad for leaving his parents behind... so he literally just throws himself into the sea. His friend Polycharmus, who honestly deserves a medal for the number of times he saves Chaireas’ life, pulls him out.)

I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone

- Chaireas, probably

When he’s not working out or trying to hang himself, Chaireas is a genuinely sweet guy. I’ve got to admit I awwed several times at his interactions with Callirhoe, because you can tell he really does love her. He also listens to her, cares for her opinion, and trusts her with important matters. This doesn’t sound like much to a modern ear, but for a (more or less) Classical Greek girl, it’s pretty nice treatment.

That’s all lovely, you might be thinking, but what’s the story about? Well, buckle up your seatbelt, because you’re in for a ride. Soon after Chaireas and Callirhoe get married, a group of jealous ex-suitors make Chaireas believe that Callirhoe is cheating on him. Blinded by anger, he comes home and kicks her in the stomach (literally the worst thing he ever does, and Aphrodite thoroughly punishes him for it). Callirhoe falls down, and everyone believes that she’s dead. She’s quickly buried, Chaireas is put on trial but begs for death so pathetically that he’s acquitted, and everyone is very sad.

The end? Far from it! As a bunch of grave robbers soon discover, Callirhoe isn’t dead at all! The robbers quickly whisk her away to Miletus, where they sell her as a slave to a rich man named Dionysius. Of course, he falls in love with her and mopes around, begging her to marry him or else he’ll starve himself. Callirhoe finally accepts his proposal, but only because she has a secret: she’s pregnant with Chaireas’ child...

Meanwhile, Chaireas finds out that Callirhoe is still alive, and sets out to rescue her. Many adventures ensue, featuring pirates, slavery, eunuchs and wars, taking hero and heroine all the way to Babylon and culminating in a trial to determine: who will get to keep Callirhoe? Chaireas or Dionysius?

I won’t spoil the ending, but I’ll give you a taste of the final confrontation between these two highly educated men:

“ἀνάξιος εἶ τῆς Ἑρμοκράτους θυγατρός.” “σὺ μᾶλλον ὁ παρὰ Μιθριδάτῃ δεδεμένος.” “ἀπαιτῶ Καλλιρόην.” “ἐγὼ δὲ κατέχω.” “σὺ τὴν ἀλλοτρίαν κρατεῖς.” “σὺ τὴν σὴν ἀπέκτεινας.” “μοιχέ.” “φονεῦ.”

“You don’t deserve Hermocrates’ daughter!” “You more, you were enslaved to Mithridates!” “I want Callirhoe back!” “Well I’m keeping her!” “You’re appropriating someone else’s wife!” “You killed yours!” “Adulterer!” “Murderer!” (5.8.5)

In conclusion, if you’re not convinced yet, here’s a sample of what else you can find in this novel:

a fragile grasp on 5th century history (the author knows some things about the Classical Era, but clearly not enough to pass a college test)

fanfiction tropes such as “mutual unrequited pining”, “thinking the other is dead”, and author’s notes

“AN: okay I’m sorry about the last chapter, I promise you’ll like this one!  There’s no piracy/slavery/trials/fighting/suicide/war/captivity, just true love and marriage ;) have fun reading xoxo” (an almost literal translation of 8.1.4)

a Persian king who turns out to be a sweet and respectful person and who cries when he’s reunited with his wife

the most dramatic Asian governor ever (instead of just saying “hey Chaireas, come out and show these people you’re alive”, I quote: “GODS, MY LORDS IN THE SKY AND UNDER THE EARTH, COME TO THE RESCUE OF A GOOD MAN! GRANT ME CHAIREAS FOR THE TIME OF THIS TRIAL! APPEAR, NOBLE SPIRIT!")

quotes from the Iliad at every opportunity (Chaireas misses Callirhoe? Quick, let’s quote Achilles grieving Patroclus!)

hyper-realistic trials, because the author worked for a lawyer

ancient stereotypes such as “the Athenians talk too much”

14 prayers to Aphrodite

and much, much more.

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