CW for SH and s*icidal ideation
i've been thinking a lot about mondo on the night of daiya's death. what would he do in the immediate aftermath? as he watched them put daiya in a body bag, would he have continued to break down in michi's arms? or would he have swallowed the tears, pushed down the panic attack, having come to the realization of what he's gotta do? (that is: lie about the accident being daiya's fault and put on a strong face to honor daiya's dying wish-- keeping the gang together). personally, i think it'd be the latter. i think he'd be genuinely revolted at the idea of anyone seeing him cry after that night, especially members of the gang. how could they ever trust him to fill in daiya's spot, to be strong enough to lead them, if he was a coward who cried all the time? that's what he believes, and like hell is he gonna break his promise with daiya and let the gang fall to pieces just because he's weak (he always has been weak. weak weak weak. he can't let them see that. they can't know it's his weakness that killed their leader, he can't, he can't).
he refuses to allow himself to find comfort in anyone. the paramedics on the scene are concerned about him; after all, he did skid and fall off his bike when daiya pushed him (<- headcanon). they want to take him to the hospital, but he cannot stand the idea of anyone trying to heal him or treat him gently after this terrible sin he's committed. he doesn't deserve to go to the hospital and get stitched up. if he bleeds out, that's the natural consequence of his action. in fact, he wants to deserves to bleed out.
so he drives back to his and daiya's shitty apartment, taking care not to do anymore reckless shit on his bike no matter how much his brain is screaming at him to floor it right into the nearest tree. he's completely disassociating. maybe reality hasn't hit him yet; maybe he's still wrapped inside that facade of levelheadedness he had to adopt now that he's in charge.
but reality does hit him later, hard. in the shower, as he tries to keep it together but eventually breaks down. he literally falls to his knees, curls in on himself, sobbing so hard he can't tell what's tears and what's water. tugging at his hair so manically he pulls clumps out and he bleeds. watching the blood go down the drain, like how the blood splattered across the asphalt. trying to scrub that same blood off of him bc it's still there, his hands are still stained in daiya's blood and no matter how much he scrubs, it won't go away. he scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs until his hands are raw and bleeding like his scalp. and he turns the shower water to hottest level so it intentionally burns his damaged skin like the flames of Hell that will surely burn him for eternity once he dies (and man does he want to).
