#changeisinevitable

Me: Hello God.

God: Hello...

Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?

God: I'd rather not.

Me: Why?

God: Because you're not a puzzle.

Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground?

God: Leave them there for a while. They fell for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide if you need to take any of those pieces back.

Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking!

God: No, you don't understand. You're transcending, evolving.

What you feel are growing pains. You're getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back. The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are being put in place. Relax. Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down. Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you. Let them fall. Let them go.

Me: Once I start doing that, what will I have left?

God: Only the best pieces of yourself.

Me: I'm afraid to change.

God: I keep telling you: YOU'RE NOT CHANGING! YOU'RE BECOMING!

Me: Becoming, Who?

God: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion. I made you for so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear. Let those things fall off you. I love you! Don't change! Become! Don't change! Become! Become who I want you to be, who I created. I'm gonna keep telling you this until you remember.

Me: There goes another piece.

God: Yes. Let it be like this.

Me: So... I'm not broken?

.

It seems my new years started much later than I intended. It took a young women on youtube harping on about consistency in the creative world and being true to yourself (some Barney self-realisation BS) for me to lift my sad shoulders out of my arse and to strap on a pair of my most supportive M&S bra, to get the ball rolling on this blog of mine.  

So, as I was stuffing my no-man-goes into a deep beige (use to be white) bra I decided not to accept my lack of ambition, to not let things happened to me in an ‘oh well’ sort of fashion. I decided to react, to push back and say ‘cry now and change the daydreaming flaccid life form you become then to cry when you have no time left to show the world who you really are’. (such a great speech, encore!)

This is me saying that I truly piss myself off sometimes. I m too easy going, too ok with shit when it's my own hand that sabotages every success I could have had. As with all things it's the fall, the failing, the doubt and the self hatred that stops me accepting that I could be good, that within me lays dormant, an extraordinary ‘something’ that has not been given a window or a door. It has not even been fed, watered or exercised. It has not been given a chance to exist.

I am trying now to do better, to love routine, to push myself into growing up and growing out of where I find myself to be; stuck. This blog is for me, a diary entry, a prose/poetry showcase and the ramblings of a lost London girl who found herself on the wrong side of her 20’s.

So feel free to join me on this journey of recovery. 2018 starts now-ish.