#chaehyungwon

You hate it.

You hate it so much, because you don’t even need an alarm anymore to wake up everyday at 8 am... and then you spend the next half an hour crying your eyes out while you miss Chae Hyungwon so damn much.

It’s even more painful than before, because earlier, when you’re with the group and they’re doing their photoshoots or shooting an event, Hyungwon would look towards you through the crowd and give you smiles - such beautiful smiles that you miss so much because now, when your heart is aching so much, Hyungwon does everything in his power to avoid you as best as he could.

The other day when you were going up to the producer’s office and you bumped into Hyungwon and Kihyun also…

It broke your heart, the way Hyungwon quietly apologizes in formal language, and goes ahead - all while Kihyun looks in wonder at the taller male, then at you, before he goes to catch up with his friend.

You realized that he was starting to treat you the same way he treated most of the staff members - simply out of respect.

With him behaving that way after you cried in front of him, you really understood for the first time, that he really was treating you differently; with much more affection and care, just like Minhyuk had claimed he does so. Seeing Hyungwon not acting that way makes you realize it, makes you wonder if there was any way you could approach him and tell him that he shouldn’t feel so burdened; not when all you want is to just be hugged by Hyungwon.

Your roommate had requested to work for another group, and left your dorm room, so feel even more guilty and lonely ever since she left your dorm room and refused to speak with you.

You’ve been watching a lot of variety shows Monsta X had been on earlier, and you tried your best to write good shows, working as much as possible not to let the way you felt affect your work. In this way, one of your shows gets picked up by the producer, and a few days later, Monsta X is fixed to head off for a vacation show in two days.

Usually, Hyungwon would congratulate you when one of your works gets selected to be produced, but this time, he does not say a word, even after he reads the itinerary along with his members during the staff meeting.

Minhyuk, though, comes up to you after the meeting is done, and lets you know that he would like you to buy him lunch on occasion of your work getting picked for the show.

Seeing him smile at you brightly and not having changed a single bit makes you feel a little emotional, and you hurry to call Minhyuk’s favorite restaurant and order some food right away.

The food arrives an hour later, the noodles you and Minhyuk enjoy a lot steaming in front of you while the male takes out the wrappers of his favorite kimchi.

“It’s been a while since we had a set meal like this, right?”

“It’s been months, I think.”

Minhyuk usually never runs out of things to talk about, so you’re watching his every action carefully as he silently unpacks the food and hands you your chopsticks.

“Eat.” He says, picking a large piece of meat and putting it on top of your rice bowl.

“Thank you, Minhyukkie-oppa.”

Minhyuk smiles instantly, constantly mumbling “eat more, eat some more of this”, and more, as the lunch progresses.

When most of the food is gone and only the soups remain, Minhyuk finally puts his chopsticks and spoon down, before he takes a glance around the lounge. There were some other staff members and some members from Cravity, eating some food but the people seated near you two earlier had long gone by now.

“I’ve been a good friend to you for many years. I’ve been a good friend to Hyungwon for even longer. My question is, ‘Why?’ Why do you guys not share anything with me? Do you not trust me to keep a secret? Or are you telling someone else instead of me because-”

“Minhyukkie, I.. I don’t know about Hyungwon, but I know I haven’t found anyone I can talk to about how I feel.”

“I’m sitting right here,” Minhyuk says, taking a sip of his drink, “Just wanting nothing but for you to open up. To tell me something, because there is no way you would not have known by now how much I worry about you.”

“I do know. I do, and I am appreciative of that. And that is why I have a lot of affection for you, not just as an idol I am a fan of, but also as a person that I cherish a lot. But I don’t know what to say because my heart is hurting and I don’t know how I can face Hyungwon this way.”

Minhyuk, who’s face had softened after your words at first, then squints his eyes at you, and you take a spoonful of soup, just to look away because... 

Minhyuk’s eyes are a bit scary, especially when he sits like this in front of you and looks at you with an almost angry expression.

“I’m so tired of this. You’re hurting each other when there’s no reason to, seriously. Hyungwon has feelings for you, and you do too, but you don’t know how to accept that, and my precious brother has no idea how to accept the fact that you just ‘don’t’ know how to deal with stuff.”

You knew Minhyuk was right, but that doesn’t stop you from getting teary-eyed. In fact, maybe that was the reason why, and Minhyuk’s eyes go wide when he sees tears streaming down your face.

You watch the male take a tissue from the dispenser and hand you one, and you try your best to control yourself, wiping your face as much as you can and then picking up the remaining broth from your soup.

“I’m sorry. I just. Neither of you seem to want any help from me or anyone else, so you should just talk with him. Please do say something to him before today ends. I’d hate it if he has to go to shoot a fun show when he looks so heartbroken all the time.”

And you hated it too, because Hyungwon looks the most handsome when he’s laughing and smiling so brightly.

“If you talk to him, I’ll let you listen to two lines from my OST song!”

You give Minhyuk a smile, the two of you picking up the bags and cups you had your meals with and you feel a little at ease when you see the familar, friendly smile of his again.

“I ate well, thank you [Name]-ah! Don’t miss me too much even if you’re not coming along with us for the show!”

“I’ll make sure I don’t!”

Minhyuk waves goodbye before he goes off to his dorm and you decide to take some days off and go back to your hometown for a little; maybe that could cheer you up when you have your mom cooking your favorite meals and being able to play with the little kids back at home.

You’re feeling a bit better as you go back to your dorm room, and everything feels fine until you reach your floor, only to find Hyungwon leaning against the wall next to your room, a piece of paper in his clutches. When he hears you, he glances at you, turning to look at you with a face devoid of expression.

“W-What-”

“Why does this say you’re not going with us?”

Huh?

You take a hesitant step forward, close enough to see that the paper Hyungwon had in his clutches was the itinerary from earlier.

So he didn’t read it fully until now…?

“Because I’m not.”

“Why not?” Hyungwon’s voice gets a little louder, eyebrows furrowed as he looks down at you with a frown on his face.

“Why aren’t you going with us.”

“Just…”

“Why? Answer me honestly. You wrote this show. You’re supposed to go. Don’t lie to me, [Name]-ah.”

You didn’t think you could answer him honestly, that you gave up the opportunity to go because Hyungwon avoiding you here at the company was worse enough on its own.

“Yah. Why?”

“I’m going to go home… For a few days.” You fib, almost too scared when you look at Hyungwon’s angry expression fade, eyes going wide instead.

“What did you say?!”

“I’m going home.”

What you didn’t expect was the way Hyungwon crumples up the paper in his hand, a little scoff escaping from his mouth as he looks at you as if he felt speechless.

“Why do you do this to me?” He wants to know. “Please don’t make me feel more pathetic and sadder than I already am about this. If you have to quit your job because of me….”

“Wait, that’s not-’

“If you feel so sad when you know what I feel… But you still don’t find any problems with eating together with Minhyuk… That pains my heart, [Name]-ah. I know you two are just friends but it makes me so sad. Please don’t make me feel more pathetic than I already feel every day. Please.”

“Hyungwon-ah, that’s not it!” You say, but Hyungwon doesn’t look like he believes you, and your heart hurts too much to explain, not when he hands you the crumpled paper to you and then storms off.

Oh God, what have I done?

---

Your leave for five days gets approved easily, and you didn’t even have the willpower to let anyone besides Minhyuk know. He wishes you a safe trip, and you wish the same for him as well.

On your way out and when you stop by the cafe to grab a drink, your heart feels even colder than the latte in your hand, when you see Hyungwon at the front entrance of the company.

He looks like he’s wearing a coat over his sleepwear, and it’s understandable because you wanted to leave before the group went off on their own trip as well.

But here Hyungwon was, doing nothing but to look at the way you drag your suitcase and approach where he is stood at, facing you at the doorway of the front entrance.

What should I do? Should I greet him? Does he look angry? What should I do?????

“Hello-”

Before you can finish your greet, Hyungwon turns around, ignoring you completely and storming back inside the building. When you turn back in surprise, it’s so, so sad to see that Hyungwon does not turn around to look at you even once; getting on the lift right away, and then he goes on.

Is liking someone supposed to be this hard?

---

The staff who had gone along with Monsta X keeps you updated about how the show shooting is going on, so while you spend some quality time back at home with your family, you’re glad to hear that the boys are enjoying their vacation shoot in Mojeong village.

While you do enjoy the company and affection only family can provide you with, the warmth you felt with Hyungwon never left your mind. 

When you tell your mom about what was going on, she actually flicks your forehead, mumbling ‘tsk-tsk’ continuously.

“So you two are going to be equally stubborn about this, huh?” She says, picking up one of her storage containers packed with kimchi. “For Hyungwon, he has a right to be! He doesn’t know how you feel, but you? You know how he feels! What the heck are you doing here at home instead of at Mojeong Village?!”

“Mooooooom! I wanted to talk to him, I told you I even tried to greet him but he just left!”

Your mom sighs, shaking her head while she cuts up bits of kimchi and transfers them to a smaller container to pack some for you.

“You shouldn’t forget this. Hyungwon is a celebrity.”

“I know that, but…”

“He’s a celebrity so he is going to have some more morals and ideals he’s going to have to follow. If he had the courage to say - well, at least start saying, until a certain girl started crying in the middle-”

“Mom!”

“He had the courage but if he’s shot down, then he doesn’t have a choice but to pretend nothing ever happened. Perhaps, treating you like any other staff and distancing himself from you is the easiest way he can move on from you and heal his heart.”

“I don’t… want him to… move on…”

Your mom packs up the container, putting it inside a bag and then placing them in the fridge.

“Then tell him that.”

“He doesn’t talk to me…”

“Then make him listen.”

You look at the way she looks at you, as if waiting for you to realize something on your own. The way she waits for you to get up from your seat at the counter and the way she smiles when you run upstairs to pack your belongings…

You’ll never forget that expression from your mom, ever.

---

This is such a bad idea!!!!!!!!

Your mind continuously chants in your head, the voice even more louder when you reach the cottage house Monsta X is staying at and seeing the staff members even before you see the house itself.

While you’re faced with surprised greetings and questions about your duffel bag and suitcase - yes, you came straight here from home - you try to reach where the cameramen are and finally find the producer, seated by one of the tables.

“Oh, there you are! Weren’t you supposed to come two days later?”

“I wanted to stop by for a bit…” You let him know, “I have something to discuss with Hyungwon, so…”

“Go ahead! Kihyun, Jooheon and Changkyun are cooking right now, so the other three are just lazing around.”

“Perfect. Thank you, Producer-nim!”

Because you’ve been here even before the show was produced for research, you are able to easily find your way inside the house from the back entrance.

“Hello.” You greet, popping your head into the living room. Shownu is eating some potato chips, and both Minhyuk and Hyungwon are laying on their mattresses, looking very comfortable with their blankets on and playing with their phones.

“Oh? [Name]-ah, you came already?” Minhyuk jumps up to greet you, and Hyungwon only registers your presence when his friend says your name. This makes Hyungwon sit up with a jolt in surprise, then look at you while Minhyuk raises a hand for you to give him a high five.

“When did you come, [Name]-ah?”

“A few minutes ago, Hyunwoo-oppa!” You respond, your heart feeling like it’s on fire. Your hands feel sweaty when you enter the room a little, then glance at Hyungwon.

“Can I talk to you for a bit?”

Hyungwon’s eyes go a little wider, pointing a finger at himself. When you give a little nod, he gets up right away, and you catch Minhyuk’s surprised smile and thumbs up before you turn around to head out in utter embarrassment.

From your venture to the village earlier, you had found that there is a little staircase that leads up to the first floor, which also serves as an attic of sorts. When you climb upstairs, you don’t find any cameras set up - and for once, you’re glad you didn’t include this area in your script. It’s nerve-wracking, the fact that with every step you take to climb up the stairs, reach the floor, and take a few steps inside, you can hear and feel Hyungwon’s footsteps and presence right behind you. He silently follows you and you’re actually a bit surprised that he came without hesitation or questions about your sudden appearance and request.

When you finally take a few steps inside the floor and turn to face Hyungwon, your heart aches a little. He looks so, so charming, so handsome with his bare face - like he used only toner and a serum on his face, nothing else, so his face shines a little thanks to the little window at the end of the room and the bit of light from the staircase leading down.

As you look up at his face, you realize something important: how you were crazy determined to “talk” to Hyungwon, to get him to listen to you and now that he stands in front of you, ready to do so, you have no idea what you can say to him.

Oh God, what now?

Looking straight in his eyes feels a little too overwhelming, so you find yourself fumbling with your fingers a little, looking at his shirt, his hair, and even his shoes while you try to collect yourself.

And this is where you understand more and more about how patient and sweet Chae Hyungwon is, because it must have been a lot of awkward minutes that passed by while you wondered what you can say to him, and he does nothing to interrupt you; simply looking at you and waiting for you to speak.

“Hyungwon-ah…” You start, forcing yourself to look at him and not his shoes, for a change. “I’m so sorry.”

Hyungwon lets out a little exhale, and you think there’s some disappointment in his eyes when he presses his lips together and gives a nod.

“On that day… I’m sorry that I made you feel bad… I really don’t know better and I think I might mess up what I’m trying to say even now, too.”

“It’s fine.” He says, this time averting his gaze from you instead.

“Honestly,” you say, feeling a little down because his responses are so cold and your heart won’t stop racing like crazy, “I really cried a lot the day you sang Newton for me.”

Hyungwon looks at you when you say this.

“And probably everyday since.”

“Then I should be the one who is sorry…”

Hyungwon’s eyes look so sad now, and you were right, just like you said; this was not going the way you planned, and you’re messing this way too much now.

Your hands are shaking like crazy when you think about what Minhyuk had suggested you do, during that day you had lunch with him.

Lee Minhyuk, you’re going to be the death of me, I swear. You think to yourself, taking a step closer to Hyungwon.

“What-”

Your face feels like it’s on fire when you grab his cheeks, pulling his face down so you can press your lips on his.

His lips feel so soft, and the taste of his peach chapstick contrasts with the fragrance of his musky cologne; so much that you feel like you’re going insane.

Your head feels like it’ll explode, and your heart starts racing even more when you feel him slowly wrap his arms around your waist, pulling your body to his and making you move away to catch your breath.

When you open your eyes, still feeling a little hazy, your heart fills with so much warmth because Hyungwon looks just as much in a daze as you felt, the corners of his mouth going up till he breaks into a smile.

“That was too short.” He complains in a low voice, and you smile back at him, feeling so warm when he pulls you even closer to him, one arm around your waist and the other on your back. Hyungwon rests his chin on your shoulder, embracing you so tightly and you do the same, arms wrapping around his back while you close your eyes.

“This is why you singing Newton for me made me so sad. Because I wanted you to hold me like this since then.”

Hyungwon moves away, hands grabbing yours and the smile on his face never leaving, even for a single second.

“[Name]-ah.”

“Yes?”

“I lo-”

“HYUNGWON-AH, WE COOKED THE RAMYEON, COME AND EAT NOW!” Kihyun’s voice yells from down the stairs, interrupting Hyungwon’s sentence. It makes the two of you instinctively take two steps back from each other, eyes wide and then bursting out laughing.

And it’s such a beautiful moment, the way Hyungwon comes closer to you again, lowering his head a little and then placing a soft kiss on your cheek.

“Later?”

You give him a smile, nodding and waving goodbye while he hurries to continue with the show where he left off.

You take a moment to calm your crazily racing heart and then come down the stairs where Kihyun is calling the rest of the members to hurry. While you’re hurrying out from the back entrance, Minhyuk catches you, whispering your name and holding your arm so that you can’t escape easily.

“What did you say that is making Hyungwonnie grin like a creep?” He wants to know, and you give him a punch in the arm.

“I just did what you asked me to, Minhyuk-oppa!”

It takes a moment for Minhyuk to recall when he was teasing you about Hyungwon and had said ‘if all fails, just go ahead and kiss him, he might fall to the floor’ and then broke out laughing. When he recalls this, his eyes go wide, dramatically raising a hand over his mouth for good measures.

“Holy crab. You really went ahead and did that?”

“You asked me to!!!”

“I was just joking, but damn, [Name]-ah. You sure have some balls.”

“YAH!” You yell out, watching Minhyuk laughing and then running outside. You sigh, shaking your head and hurry outside to where the staff are doing their final preparations.

The dinner on the third day is the final event of the show, so only a few cameras are now rolling, and some of the crew are removing the cameras inside the cottage house. Some of the staff are already leaving, so you join one of the groups and decide to get a head start and go back to Gangnam.