#cfojr

this scene's actually kind of embarrassing to talk about, because on an irl level I was just projecting. I hate being sick. I think it is just one of the worst experiences in the world, to feel awful and then being constantly pressured to instantly recover and get better while also having your sickness be doubted. so on that level, this is just wish-fulfillment, because the way that richard treats seigi is, in part, just me settling my own personal vendettas.

but there’s a judicious application of this here, I think. I am self-inserting into seigi, but it’s not without consideration of his own background. we know that his birth father was horribly abusive, and that shortly after seigi was born, his mother, hiromi, divorced that scumbag, moved, went as far as to change her name to avoid him, and barely managed to scrape by, money-wise. seigi’s grandmother didn’t enter the picture until his second year of middle school, when she was already in the early stages of dementia, and she passed when seigi was in high school. his mother did remarry, but her new husband’s work was mostly overseas, so for most of his life, seigi was in a position of strong isolation and independence.

from volume 1:

Hiromi and I felt more like comrades in arms. I probably talked to my mother and went home more often than most college students did, but it wasn’t like either of us was sticking our nose in the other’s business. As long as we were both happy and healthy, that was all that mattered.

from volume 4:

“Calling her Mom just felt…kind of immature, I guess, and I didn’t like it. I wanted to think of us more like, I’m Seigi, and she’s Hiromi, and we’re in this together. But thinking about it now, I guess that’s little-kid logic for you, huh? I mean, honestly, she’s done more for me than I can even imagine.”

where does this leave us? hiromi clearly loves and cares for seigi, but she’s also someone that simply can’t afford to spend all her time by his side. the above excerpts show us that seigi likes to think of him and hiromi on the same team, rather than himself as a dependent to her. in volume 4 it’s also mentioned that he’s planning on using his savings to pay her back for paying his college tuition.

sickness renders you inherently vulnerable, and I think that seigi would fear that weakened state, and want to recover as fast as possible, so that he can stop being a burden. that is where my projection is relevant and useful. seigi, like me, would hate the feeling of sickness, because it puts him at the mercy of others. similarly, even though the way richard acts is a kind of wish-fulfillment for me, it scans properly onto canon because richard basically is wish-fulfillment for seigi. seigi is always astounded by the depths of his care, and the endlessness of his beauty. so even though these events are motivated by projection, they aren't out of place.

moving away from my personal motivators behind this scene, the core of ill at ease is that seigi doesn’t like to accept help, need help, or want help. this is part of what fuels his actions in volume 6, and as this fic takes place directly after the events of that volume, it’s in conversation with that struggle. this first scene, and this conversation in specific, is a microcosm of the whole fic—that push and pull between seigi trying to diminish his wants, and richard wanting, so badly, to be wanted by him.

in this conversation, seigi characterizes this whole affair as richard’s kindness, rather than something he actively wants to do. this is, of course, in direct opposition to the fact that richard literally says, It would be an honor to take care of you. seigi, of course, notes that this is the specific line that puts him at ease. this is because it reframes the concept of caring for seigi as not a willingly handled burden, but a privilege.

seigi does not see himself as such. he calls his momentary silence unpleasant. his self is sickened. he says that richard’s seen worse from him—implying, of course, that his current state, if not the worst, is somewhere worse than good. he thinks that there will never be enough thank yous to say.

richard, on the other hand, is concerned with what seigi wants. he asks, Do you not want to see me? and he wants to hear yes, I want you. he doesn’t get it. he gets, “I don't—I don't… not want to see you, that is,” which is a frustrating half-measure of an answer. we’re going to spend the whole fic with this tension until we get the answer richard wants.

.

He wouldn’t go away.

Richard was in my bedroom again. This wasn’t unusual—he’d come in uninvited so many times that I wondered if he’d flee in the other direction if I ever did give him an invitation.

I turned to my side, blinking at his form in the doorway. His expression was unreadable—he wasn’t smiling or frowning, but it wasn’t something neutral on his face, either.

Richard approached the bed. “Don’t move,” he said.

My breath caught in my throat. I’d gotten very used to not listening to him, but I couldn’t do anything but agree.

Richard’s lips curled into a wicked sort of smile. No matter how many times I’d seen it, my heart couldn’t help but flutter.

“Close your eyes,” he said.

I dutifully followed his instructions. This was always the worst part.

When he leaned over me, the bed didn’t creak or make any kind of noise, but I could feel it like his shadow was clinging to my soul.

And then: again, a press against my cheek. The fine and thin strands of his hair tickling my ear. A low laugh, so close that I could almost hear it vibrating across the air.

Richard: above me, smiling, divine, a strange light in his eyes. “I didn’t say you could open them.”

I couldn’t speak.

Blearily, I woke up to streaming sunlight. I had work at Étranger today, and Saul, like Richard, expected punctuality.

For just a moment, though, I stayed under the covers. There was a nine-hour difference between Japan and England—either Richard was about to go to bed, or already sleeping. Did he remember that night the same way I did?

…Did he ever dream about me, too?