The testing I’m going on this trip for is ultimately a good thing and something I’ve been pushing for. I’m starting to get nervous, though. This scan should test for around 500 diseases/conditions and I know what information I’m seeking from it. There is the concern that there is something else going on in me that will come to light and there just being more medical work to do. I know this is a privilege, I know that all information is good information, but my stomach is in knots. I’m not sure how much more I can take. And everyone in my real life is being incredibly optimistic and supportive because I asked for this. Halsey’s lyric “You got what you wanted, so stop feeling sorry” keeps playing through my mind.
So it’s that fine line of how to navigate my worries and fears without coming across like I’m ungrateful.
I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I miss who I used to be before I became this thing that I am now. I’ll feel good for like an hour and then it all comes crashing back and I don’t know. I’m lonely. I’m alienated. I’m unwell. And this isn’t the life I had planned out for myself.
I’m not sure what the point of putting all of this on my smut blog is - catharsis, hope of connection, empathy without pity, realism?
Where do you go when you don’t want to be in yourself?