May 5, 2024
How sad that when it gets cold, most people forget about the beach. And yet the tides keep pulling in.
Loading...
seen from Norway
seen from United States
seen from Sweden
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from Spain
seen from United States
seen from Canada
How sad that when it gets cold, most people forget about the beach. And yet the tides keep pulling in.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I'm so grateful that I have these small humans in my life. Even though it's not easy, even though the days seem so long, and some days I just don't have it in me to be all that I should, I am so lucky to have this love. And this one here...she will always find me on my bad days and lay her head on my shoulder. The world may think you're so disconnected, but you always seem to know, and always find a way to connect to the very heart of me and mend what needs mending. With a touch, a look, a cuddle. Without a single word, you just seem to know. Thank you for the reminder: that I AM enough, that I AM loved, that I AM needed...that tomorrow is another day.
Do you ever think about the last couple of years and just...sob uncontrollably?
Filling all the empty spaces with pointless noise, trying to give it meaning.
Last week my father-in-law passed away. We've been family for over 15 years and it was very much not expected. But life (and death) doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. He was a big man, in every sense of the word--big personality, big opinions and big ideas. We were very different people and we probably didn't agree on many things but I think we had a somewhat decent rapport--all things considered. I so wish that circumstances in the end were very different. I wish...so many things. Mostly, I hope that he found grace and was at peace in the end. I hope that the people he impacted and left behind are afforded the same grace and peace. As they grow older, I will tell his granddaughters that he was many things in life; but really he was a visionary in many respects. And for all his unfinished endeavors, it was his vision for those around him that spoke to the potential in him.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
It was just two weeks ago that she ran off. Just a moment and she was gone. It has been such a stagnant year and I think she felt it that day in her bones and just needed to run. No shoes, no sense of danger, just ran out into the big wide world.
When the twins were younger, they would see open land and just dart out if you weren't holding their hand. They'd slow down a bit, even look back sometimes and laugh and we'd catch up, hearts beating out of our chests, thanking the heavens that their little legs didn't allow them to outrun us. Did she look back this time? Did she laugh? I thought I knew fear before, but I was so wrong. I couldn't and still can't stop thinking about the what-ifs. What if she's in traffic, what if she has a seizure, what if she goes off with someone, what if she finds water. What if? I've had literal nightmares of all the parental worst-case scenarios before. Things you probably never imagine, but that real-life moment was fear tenfold.
When they said she was found and fine, I didn't breathe a sigh of relief. She was fine, she was safe--but I think I took an extra breath and I still haven't let it out. This was just an hour of our lives and I've never been more scared. But she just wanted to go. Sometimes we all just want to get up and go.
I kept thinking about how she may have tried to get to a playground because she loves to swing and will literally swing for an hour nonstop. So since that day I keep taking her to the swings whenever I can. Trying to show her that soon we'll be getting back to how things used to be. So I'll just keep pushing and watching them swing. I'll keep pushing. It could be a few minutes or literally an hour. Regardless, I'll keep pushing because for about an hour one afternoon, I almost knew what never again felt like.
I really have no way of knowing how much of all of this they understand. They're nonverbal, I can't just ask them what they think or feel about it and actually get a clear answer. I just tell them as simply and directly as I can, and hope it makes some sense to them. I don't know if they think I'm just being mean for not taking them places or letting them go to school. I don't know if they understand that the video meetings with their small class may possibly be all the school socialization they get this year. I don't know how much emotional damage they're going through. I don't know if they're learning anything new. I don't honestly know if they will regress terribly and lose the few skills that they've worked so hard on because I can't possibly supplement the daily skills of a special education teacher, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist and a behavioral interventionist while also being their mom. I just don't know. I can just keep trying and hope for the best, even if by the end of most days I feel like I've accomplished nothing at all. I'll keep picking up the pieces of all of these broken days and try to put them together.
I too often complain about the mundanity of the every day, or that I don't get time to myself or that I'm always overwhelmed or this may not be what I expected of life, or this or that or the other. But I am thankful that I get to be busy because really it's just another way of saying that I have a purpose. I have a reason to keep waking up every morning. I don't always get to step back and see that they really need me and appreciate me (and might honestly fall apart without me). But I know. And I so need them, I so appreciate them and I am so thankful for THEM 💛.