#caslynn

She smiled at the rumble of laughter as he looked at her, quirking an eyebrow and asking, “Comfortable, lass?”

“Hm, I’m not quite sure.” Raelynn mused, trying to not grin too broadly at the roll of his eyes as she continued, “I’m still not convinced we couldn’t watch the shower from the comfort of our own bed.”

He scoffed, “Aye, if we were aiming to miss it all. Skies are clear as could be out ‘ere on the beach, not a cloud or building in sight. The lull o’ the waves against the sands. It’s perfect, or, well, almost perfect. It’d be even better on a ship with clear waters fer stretches around, when it turns to a mirror o’ the skies.”

Settling on top of his shoulder, Raelynn watched his profile with unrestrained tenderness, letting the sound of his voice wash over her and settle into her bones. “That sounds lovely, Cas.”

“It is,” he agreed, fingers absentmindedly playing along her exposed side and sending comforting tingles up her spine. “We would-” Caspian stopped, bitterness flitting across his face before he could stop it.

Her heart clenched, understanding all too well the taste of bitter memories. When he didn’t continue, she thought hard, trying to dredge up the skeletons of lost memories without ripping herself open. “In my village, we would sneak out at night to watch the southern lights play over the fjord. The best views were always found on the beach, and on the gentlest nights we could see them in the skies and on the water. But it was often so cold we could only stay out for a few minutes before scurrying back to the hearth fire, at least until I was able to conjure fire.” Raelynn could just barely remember the feel of the freezing cold wind on her face, making her eyes water and huddle into her furs and shiver next to her twin. Their mother’s frown as Mama Magnhild built the dying fire back up and pushed the freezing twins towards the warmth. The faint taste of warm honey and mint “tea” as their mother brushed through their tangled hair and carefully rebraided every plait by the midnight fire. She stopped the memories before she could dwell on the emptiness of the hearth after her mother’s and mama’s passing.

Caspian’s hand moved from her side to her arm, giving a comforting squeeze and helping to draw her from her memories. “A good memory, by the sounds of it.”

“Definitely one of the better ones,” Raelynn joked, settling into the quiet and warmth. Her hand crept under his open vest and spread over his chest, the steady thump of his heart anchoring her to this time and place. “Maybe one day we’ll be able to watch a meteor shower from the sea. I think I’d like that.”

“I think you would too,” he turned his head to look at her, inches from his face. “’N mayhaps we could visit your ol’ village and watch the southern lights.”

She grinned at him, “I’d like that. And I could show you all the secrets on the island that only the locals know about.”

“An adventure?” His eyes gleamed and he carefully sat up, pulling her along so they looked across the dark ocean. “You should know I’m always ready to sail for an adventure.”

“Where else would we go on this grand adventure?” She shook some of the sand from her hair and clothes, watching Caspian’s mind begin to whirl at the possibilities.

He leaned back on a hand to run the other through his beard, “Anywhere we’d want to! There’s so much of the world to see… The salt flats o’ Nevivon are too obvious, absolute tourist trap that is, same with the grand capital o’ Prakra. But there are hidden gems in each. We would just have to find them!”

“Sounds an awful lot like a treasure hunt, Mr. Ex-Pirate.” Raelynn teased at him, but his growing excitement was infectious, and she wondered just what the rest of the world looked like. What could she learn from such places?

“Only the grandest kind o’ treasure hunt in all o’ existence!” He hopped to his feet, beginning to pace, “O’ course, it will take a while to be able to afford it, but I’m sure between the two o’ us we could figure it out. Maybe start off with the northern jungles? There’s a river that has these beautiful fish that shimmer like opals, and the waterfall has a cave that legends say was carved out by two magicians looking for a secret  well to the center o’ the earth.”

Raelynn didn’t think she could smile any bigger as he continued on, listing wonder after wonder that he wanted to take her to. Getting to her feet, she dusted off more sand as he started pointing out directions, glancing up at the stars to make sure he was correct, and growing more and more animated.

Then suddenly his arms were around her thighs and he was lifting her into the air with a yelp, his smile brighter than the stars as he exclaimed, “I want to show them all to you! Every last nook and cranny until we are full on all life has for us!”

Laughing, Raelynn cupped his face in her hands, “I like this excited side of you.”

“Well, I’m better when I’m with you, so you better get used to it, lass.” He grinned, “Cause as long as you’re with me, I know we can take on the world.”

She bent down to kiss him, loving how his arms tightened slightly as she did. Pulling back, she looked up to the stars to see the meteor shower had begun. “Let’s start our adventure right now, love.”

A beach turned to glass under her feet. A sword cracking the surface. A table. A stake. Licks of fire across her skin. Smoke in her lungs, choking her. She was burning, even without the flames.

She was always burning, and if she was always burning then she would burn all around her, melt it all until the flames were finally hot enough to stop the voices and chains that wound and wound and wound-

Raelynn sputtered awake, jolted from the nightmare by a splash of water on her face.

Two luminous points of green looked down at her, and her heart clambered in her throat before her mind caught up and she knew where she was and who she was with. “Caspian?” Moving to wipe away water from her, she paused at the feeling of the sheets against her skin. There was little left of them, and what remained was soaked. “What happened?”

She felt his hand brush damp hair from her face, heard him rasp out, “You were stuck in a nightmare somethin’ fierce.” He drew the water off of her and magicked it off somewhere, a small plopped heard from the direction of their bathroom. His weight settled back next to her, and her eyes adjusted enough to the darkness to see the shape of him, his shoulders stiff even as he settled a solid arm over her waist. “Woke up ‘n you were on fire. Scared the fuckin’ shit outta me ‘n I ended up givin’ you a poor wake up shower. Sorry, lass.”

“I what?” Any breath in her left in a rush and she sat up quickly, her panicked mind magicking light into the room to show the ruined bedsheets only on her side. Blackened char and ash broke off what was left, proving what Caspian had said. But the sheets weren’t the only things on the bed, and she turned quickly to look over Caspian, searching for burns she knew were there. 

Grabbing the sheets, Raelynn pulled them down with a yelp from Caspian and stared. They weren’t serious, but the burns were there and they had to hurt. She’d hurt him. She tried to take in a breath, only to realize she couldn’t. “Cas-” Afraid to touch him, it was all she could do to choke out, “I hurt you, oh stars what did I do.”

“Hey now,” Caspian’s face slackened before grinning. He sat up next to her, reaching for her hand and bringing it to his lips. “It’ll take more’en some wee flame licks to really hurt me. I’ll be fine come mornin’, an’ it’s not the first pair o’ sheets we’ve had to get rid of. Everythin’s goin’ to be okay, love.”

As much as she wanted to lean into him, let him ease away the panic, Raelynn couldn’t. Her throat was tight and she felt the burn of rising tears. “No it’s not.” She gasped, clutching at the hand holding her as she bowed forward and into his chest. It was faint, but she could still feel the flames nearby, like all she had to do was let go and they would be there under her skin again. “I- I haven’t acciden… accidentally set anything on fire in years, Caspian. Not since I stopped being Raela. What-”

She choked, tears and fire in her throat as she struggled to breath and take in air. “What if I’m turning back into that monster?” Pushing down the memories of the awful things she had forced herself to do and be felt like trying to stop an inferno with a glass of water. 

Caspian stroked her hair, his touches firm as he pressed a kiss to her head and rumbled, “If you truly were, you wouldn’t be feelin’ like a flogged mate. You’re just as likely to go an’ dance in your skivvies in the red market at dusk as you are to turn your golden heart black.”

“But I hurt you.” She sniffed weakly, trying to take in another staggered breath and hating how weak she felt. Letting Caspian pull her into his lap, Raelynn tried to keep from brushing against his burns, but he seemed determined to keep her close. Her hand fell onto her breast, where she could feel the rapid beat of her pulse as her chest shook. “What if my heart was always black, Caspian? What if I’ve just been fooling myself and I’ll realize it one day and go back to burning people alive for fun?”

“You yourself said you took no joy in what you did. You were protecting Torin and the twins, an’ they’re all strong enough now that you can rest, love. Someone with a black heart wouldn’t give two bloody shits about an ol’ drunkard like me.” He grabbed onto her hand on her chest, pressing kisses to her knuckles and drawing her wet eyes up to his face as his beard tickled her palm. “You were stuck in a bad dream an’ wanted to protect yourself the way you knew how. Now how can I fault you for that, aside from a bit of panic?”

Her lips wobbled as his fingers folded over her own, holding her hand tight as he pressed the back to his face with such a look of understanding that it overwhelmed her. “But I hurt you,” Raelynn repeated, “I hurt the person who means the most to me, even if I didn’t mean to. How does that make me any better than I was before?”

“You taught me that healin’ isn’t a straight line from one point to another. Do you think I am the same bastard I was before I met you?” Caspian gave her a pointed look and she shook her head quickly. “You know the rough waters of my past, you’ve seen me jump from one point to another and sail backwards and sideways before finally catching the right wind to healin’. This is just you healin’ from things you’ve left rottin’ for too long. And I’ll be the damnedest idiot if I leave you out at sea without a compass. If you really get concerned and think you’re slipping into dangerous waves that’ll carry you away, check with me and I’ll prove that you are sailin’ straight ‘n’ true.”

And just like that, the fire in her went out and Raelynn allowed the tears to fall. Caspian was right, and he was so kind that it made her stupid heart ache that he was hers. Even when she hurt him. “I’m sorry, dear. I hate feeling like this and I- I know you’re right but it’s so hard.” 

He hummed, hugging her tighter to his body and pressing a kiss to her temple. “I know, lass. Just breathe, okay? Keep breathin’ and your sails will fill again in no time.”

Tucking her head under his chin, Raelynn finally wound her own arms around him. She let herself cry until she was able to calm down enough to breathe again, Caspian softly humming the whole time as he held her close. Without the panic and fire, she just felt empty and numb. Raelynn wasn’t quite sure which was worse, but she knew it was bad. She listened to the steady beat of Caspian’s heart, matching her breaths to his as her mind and body sought some sort of solid ground.

Her voice was strained from tears and keeping in her sobs, but she forced herself to speak out and look up into his face, “Thank you, Caspian.”

With a quick wink, Caspian smiled down at her, “You are always welcome, my sweet and strong lass.” He pressed his forehead against hers, aligning their noses as Raelynn took comfort in the close proximity of him.

Raelynn breathed in, one thought rising above the jumble in her mind, “You are truly the most amazing man. I don’t say it enough.”

A chuckle. Caspian brushed his lips against hers, and she could feel his smile as she pressed closer, relishing in the feel of love she felt for him from a simple chuckle. “Just remember that the next time you wake up to my nightmares or a kick to the shin.”

She huffed a gentle laugh, amazed at how easily he was able to make her feel better. Extinguishing the magic light, Raelynn pushed Caspian back down to the mattress. She ignored the burned sheets and crawled back into his arms to press a kiss to his cheek, “I will, love. After all, I don’t want to break my compass.”

Giving another quiet chuckle, Caspian whispered, “We definitely don’t want that now.” He squeezed her gently, their bodies secure against each other’s as Raelynn yawned. After a moment, he continued, “I love you, Raelynn. Every single bit of ya, even when you accidentally set the bed on fire and when you hate yourself for bein’ weak.”

Her fingers sleepily caressed his skin, a warmth settling in her chest that was different from the fire of her trauma and the emptiness that came from crying. “I love you too, my dearest Caspian. More than words can say.” Raelynn was cut off by a yawn, and she felt Caspian sigh under her.

“Go ‘head and rest now. I’ll keep the nightmares at bay.” His voice grew groggy, and she felt just as much as she heard his own yawn. “Sleep, love.”