#cartoon fandom

Fandom Problem #13,513:

Listen. I like Steven Universe. But as someone into gemology, it makes NO SENSE for the rubies to be foot soldiers.

Rubies historically were considered the rarest gems. The "king of gems" only suitable for nobility. Some nations outlawed commoners having this gem.

(Feel free to use this prompt as inspo—just tag me so I can read it!)

Amity Park had officially become too weird for the Board of Education to ignore. Between the sudden ecto-surges, floating cafeteria trays, and three separate hauntings during midterms, the school finally snapped.

Their solution? A brand-new elective: “Ghost 101 — Understanding the Dead.”

It was perfect. Except for one tiny problem.

No one wanted to teach it.

The Fentons? The Board didn’t want their students accidentally blown up during roll call. The Guys in White? Somehow worse than the Fentons. Phantom? He immediately rejected the idea with a firm “I am NOT teacher material.”

But he did offer one name.

Which is how Phantom ended up sitting in a conference room with Mr. Lancer, Principal Ishiyama, several worried PTA parents, a twitching Maddie and Jack Fenton (who had been forced to leave their weapons outside), and Board representative Mr. Brown.

“So… who exactly do you recommend?” Lancer asked.

“No ghosts!” Maddie hissed. “I refuse to let a spook teach impressionable children!”

Jack nodded vigorously. “Not a single ghost can be trusted—”

“He’s not a ghost,” Phantom cut in smoothly. “His name is John Constantine. He works with the Justice League. Y’know—Batman, Superman, all those guys.”

The entire room stared.

Mr. Brown blinked. “…So he’s a superhero?”

“Ehhh…” Phantom tilted his hand. “More like a sorcerer. A very, very grumpy one. But he knows more about the Infinite Realms than anyone alive.”

“And he’ll agree to this?” Principal Ishiyama asked.

“Oh, he owes me,” Phantom said with a smug grin. He phased a paper out from inside his chest and passed it to Lancer. “Here’s his number.”

Lancer dialed it with the expression of a man reconsidering all his life choices.

After a few rings, a tired British voice answered. “‘Ello?”

“Is this Mr. John Constantine?” Lancer asked.

“Depends. Who’s askin’?”

“My name is William Lancer, from Casper High. We’re looking for someone to teach a—”

“Stop right there,” Constantine interrupted. “I don’t teach. I fight demons. I banish nightmares. I do not herd teenagers.”

“But you know the Ghost Zone?” Principal Ishiyama asked.

“Well… more than the average mortal, yeah,” he muttered.

Mr. Brown cleared his throat. “Sir, you were recommended by—”

“UNCLE CONNIE!” Phantom shouted into the speaker.

A loud groan erupted on the other end. Someone—Flash, maybe—snickered in the background.

“Not you again!” Constantine snapped. “And stop callin’ me that! I’m no one’s bloody uncle!”

“So dramatic,” Phantom laughed. “Anyway—you gotta teach this class!”

“I don’t gotta do anything—!”

“John’s gonna be a teacher? NO WAY!” Flash cackled.

“Shut up, Speedster! Don’t you have Batman to annoy?”

Phantom’s voice turned sing-song and evil. “Remind me… who owes who a favor?”

A heavy silence followed. Then:

“…little menace. Should’ve never accepted your help gettin’ my soul-glimmer back from Lucifer.”

Half the PTA choked on air.

“—I’m sorry WHAT?!” Pamela Manson squeaked.

There was a pause. Then Constantine sighed like a man accepting his fate.

“Fine. Amity Park, Illinois, yeah? Gimme a sec.”

The call ended.

Two beats later, a glowing portal ripped open in the middle of the conference room. The Fentons leapt out of their chairs—instinctively reaching for weapons they didn’t have.

A trench-coat-wearing blond man with dark circles, stubble, and the distinct smell of cigarettes stepped through.

“Uncle Connie!” Phantom waved obnoxiously.

“Brat,” Constantine muttered, flicking the cigarette away. “When I said I’d pay back a favor, I meant exorcizing a demon. Not teaching high school.”

“Should’ve been more specific,” Phantom teased.

Constantine rolled his eyes and turned to Lancer.

“So,” he sighed, “when do I start?