Thereâs the traditional way of doing things and then thereâs the LucĂ© way of doing things, also known as the wrong way of doing things, because what youâre looking at there is LucĂ©âs Italian Beef.
  You know, an Italian Beef. That thing taking a slab of beef thatâs been soaking in its own jus for the last three years, piling it on a hoagie roll, burying it under a bunch of giardiniera, putting it on a plate with a cup of the aforementioned au jus for dipping, and then throwing it all in the trash in favor of roast beef and provolone with giardiniera, banana peppers, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, and Italian dressing on your choice of white, whole grain, or rosemary focaccia!
  ...
  Hold on, I have an old picture somewhere thatâs right for this.
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  Hold - Itâs not on my - Well, did I upload it?
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  Picasa is now Google Photos. I thought I heard something about that.
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  OK... Ah, here it is! So, letâs rewind the tape...
  ... roast beef and provolone with giardiniera, banana peppers, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, and Italian dressing on your choice of white, whole grain, or rosemary focaccia!
  From there, they describe the sandwich: Roast beef, provolone, and giardiniera with the aforementioned (second time Iâve used that word in one post) âfixinsâ, which is their hoagie slaw: Lettuce, tomato, onion, banana peppers, mayo and Italian dressing. So I wasnât surprised at what I got.
  I just needed to experience it, to know what this thing was about. Because so far, the Loochâs sandwich selection exists seemingly for the sole purpose of confounding me.
  The Italian has turkey and cheddar on it. It is, in assembly and flavor, a club sandwich with pepperoni instead of bacon.
  The Muffuletta is an Italian sub with olives on it. Not even olive salad. Olives.
  The Italian beef? This fucking thing is just a roast beef hoagie. Look at that picture up there. Does that meat look like itâs been swimming in jus since three in the morning? Is there a little cup nearby for dipping?
  NO! THERE ISNâT! THIS ISNâT AN ITALIAN BEEF!
  This is an Italian beef the way the Reuben at B*wiched is a Reuben.
  Yeah, thatâs right. Weâre going there. The midterms are over, motherfuckers! The time for civility has passed. You know how I always reference that warehouse district eatery that cuts your pickle into three chunks and puts it in a cup but I never reveal their name? Yeah! B*wiched.
  Their Reuben? Pastrami, havarti, coleslaw or some sort of sweet pickled cabbage, and coarse ground mustard on caraway rye. Thatâs three out of five, sixty percent, the majority of the ingredients are changed. You can no longer call it a Reuben! Like a Rosalyn or something but not a Reuben!
  And you canât take an Italian beef, load it up with lettuce, tomato, mayo, blah, blah, and blah and still call that fucking thing an Italian fucking beef! Youâve made a different thing out of it!
  âWell, how about âbeef Italianoâ?â
  Fuck you! You canât do that! You just canât! Thatâs lying to people!
  âWell, what if we tell people up front that we put all this shit on it and include a picture of it so they can see it?â
  NO! THATâS EVEN FUCKING WORSE! THATâS LIKE IF I SHOWED YOU A BASKET OF KITTENS AND TOLD YOU IT WAS A VOLKSWAGEN! AND YOU WERE EXPECTED TO BELIEVE IT!
  âOK, but what if we put it on the receipt as âSpicy Beef Italiano Hoagieâ so that way itâs more like you got an Italian hoagie but you got it with spicy beef on it?â
  NO! There are rules as to how weâre supposed to conduct ourselves. I can look at you stone faced and tell you Lake Erie is orange even as you look at it and can see that it is - Well, OK, bad example. Lake Erie is kind of orange. Itâs a very polluted lake. Letâs use Superior. I liked Lake Superior. In fact, now that I think of it, Iâve seen three out of five Great Lakes. Huh. I think I might have a new life goal.
  Iâm sorry, what were we talking about?
  Oh, yeah, how the Looch has fake menus?
  Sorry, I had to swing at that one. That was an underhand toss.
  Anyway, the giardiniera was firm in texture, hot and sour in flavor. That stood out. Otherwise, this is just a hoagie.
  Thereâs a reason theyâre called Pizza LucĂ© and not Sandwich LucĂ©. Pizza, they can do. I know some folks call them overrated and I used to call them the best and I donât anymore. Iâve found better pizzas at other places that donât deliver. Iâve found cheaper pizzas that will deliver to me if I were in fucking Texas that I wonât order again. Iâve had other pizzas that I thought were the best that I really wasnât into the last time I had them.* Pizza LucĂ©? I donât think theyâre overrated, I donât think theyâre the best, but they are consistent, they are the only place in town with baked potato and garlic mashed potato pizza, they are one of the few places in town that doesnât cut their pies into squares, they are, I think, the only pizza joint that caters to the gluten intolerant and vegan crowd at the same time, and theyâre pretty good to boot. Give them money for their pizza.
  Just their pizza.
  Their sandwiches? Hey. This was the third strike. Canât endorse them.
* Back in 2016, Redâs Savoy permanently lost my business, I donât give them my money, I donât eat their pies.
  But then, at my Union conference this year, my local ordered a fuck ton of pizza and I was on my third square of veggie and sauerkraut (actually pretty good, by the way) before I noticed the box tops said Redâs Savoy and I was like "FFuucckk...â
  But Iâm pleased to report that they werenât as good as how I remembered them the time I had them with Georgie before the racist stuff, so thatâs a big plus, right?
