#captainlog

Then what's worse is the people around me because I feel like they can't possibly understand. Even my mother who is looking at me funny now and offering me pills doesn't get it. I don't think I can be depressed, I refuse to believe I am, but I really do hope this is just a blip because I know I'm taking out my anger on the people around me because, like with my mother. I just don't want their advice or to know what they think - I want them to ignore this just like I am trying to. If I start to acknowledge these feelings then I'm letting them win and I don't want to do that.

I wish I could trust my own body; that it was fighting some inner battle which would do me good in the long run, transcend my current state of being and make me a better person. I don't think it is though, I can feel September and the cold and the evenings with that beautifully sad sunset... I can't explain it - how ever since I could remember the sunsets in Autumn have made me feel wistful and deeply sad.

I know it's a silly state of mind to dwell on things, but my emotions seem so raw at the moment.

In other news though I have been reading a lot more. I've recently, despite all these things, found a drive in me to grab the present; to read all the books that I want to and go to the places I want to go. I even grabbed a book of wild british birds and flowers so that I can learn the names of them. This is one of the things I've always admired about my mother - that she knows the Latin names of plants and can tell birds apart so easily. I think it's something we forget to learn - that we get so caught up in other things we lose that natural earthy part of ourselves. It's not even that you have to travel the world to find it, growing vegetables and trekking around this little country has a lot to offer. I'm glad I've finally noticed that. I want to learn to bake cakes too so that's the next thing to get sorted. It sounds terribly domesticated, but I think it's one of those little things that can consume time in my day - and they (hopefully) would taste good too.

(The Second-hand book shop I found in Penn <3)

I've also developed an interest in taking pictures. We borrowed a Nikon from work and I loved taking photographs of the cats! I think it would be a good hobby to take up just so that I remember to take more photos of things. There are so many lovely places I've been with Leigh and now I wish I had had a decent camera with me - because boy does it make a difference to have a decent SLR handy!

Finally, and sadly, Tinycat (yes we ran out of names...) got hit by a car again. He's alive, but has a broken leg. I feel so awful for him; he'd been missing all day and I went out to call for him then hours later at around 9pm he dragged himself in through the cat-flap completely soaked and muddy as it had been raining quite heavily. It seems so brave what these little creatures do when a human could barely handle that - the road is quite a distance away so he made a long journey through hedges and over walls. It was quite scary at first because the way he was holding himself made it seem as though his ribs had been damaged and one of his eye-teeth had fractured and stabbed into the gum below so there was blood coming from his mouth. He's better now - or rather he's staying inside for three odd months with a metal bar holding his leg together - and he is the world's worst patient as he's already managed to rip out the stitches! It has cost around £1100 so far of which I paid £300 (for the emergency vet because he had to do this on a bank holiday!) This is his second accident this year, but the insurance is stupidly over-priced and I had hoped getting half his tail cut off would warn him not to play with cars, but he's not a very sensible creature.

It's been a while. I don't know life is pretty much on a constant flow of 'faff around for four days of the week then work and complain about work for three of them'. The only really eventful things occuring are the interview I have at the end of the month (28th) which is somewhat stressful because it's a mahts & english test along with a group discussion andthenthe interview, but what can you do?

I'm happy, but I feel like I'm killing time waiting to go to Mexico in June and waiting to start this Midwifery course in September (if I get in O_O). I also have paying off my holiday (£1200 left of which I only have £600 oops) hanging over my head (it didn't help my bf's bday was on the 10th so I bought him a £300 watch). I think when I have finally paid it all off a nice shopping trip is in order - though I still have £2200 sitting in my bank from student finance and I'm so close to saying fuck it and just spending it all. I could just work more days, but I get so tired and grumpy. Argh how am I gonna cope with such a full week when this course starts?

But really these are silly problems. I have so much stuff my room is in a constant tip I don'tneedmore clothes and shiny things to play with.

Life is kinda scary sometimes. I am so in love and I'm afraid it will fall away when I'm not looking. We have been going out nine months now and that's not really a very long time. I've never felt like this about anyone in the world, but I am only 20. Leigh is everything to me, he's my best friend and someone to look after and someone who looks after me. We like the same things and he thinks I'm cute for some unthathomable reason. And he is so gorgeous and sweet and kind and I don't think you could ask for a better man. But there is this deep rooted fear in the back of my mind that I have it all wrong - that I've got it wrong before. He talks to me about getting married and having babies and I know that's all I really want too, but I pretend I'm too young to even think about it. But I do think about it a lot, all I want is a life with him... I even know what song I would like to play at our wedding.

I haven't managed to update my 365 days in the past two days because all my Valentine's day pictures are on my boyfriend's phone - and then I took a photo of the beautiful bunch of roses he bought me only to find my SD card slot would not comply with my wishes to upload them.

The roses arrived today. A day late and he was quite upset about that, but they are so beautiful and I have never been bought roses before. Valentine's day was an odd day. I think it might have been better if we had planned to spend the whole day together rather than my focusing only on dinner, but I wanted to finish up his present.

It was lovely though, the restaurant was so gorgeous, but I got this feeling we didn't suit it. Maybe when we're a little bit older it would work, but I swear we looked like a pair of kids playing posh. I suppose it doesn't matter really. I sometimes wonder if all the people sitting in those types of restaurants really believe in that lifestyle. Are they always like that? Even the waiters... is it normal to be so posh? It just seemed staged and odd to me. The food and atmosphere was amazing, but the people sitting so delicately dressed up ordering bottles of expensive champagne... do they always exist like that... maybe they enjoy it, but it just seemed like a game to me.

Saying all that it was still really amazing to finally go in there. It was funny when the bill came the waiter put it down in front of my boyfriend and I had to reach across and get it. It's amazing how often he gets handed the card machine with my card in even at this day and age. I thought maybe I should just tell him my pin number to save face, but he is of course completely happy for me to pay for things for him.

It's been just under two weeks since my last blog I believe. I'm particularly happy today. It's been a very ordinary day; woke up, sent boyfriend off to work, interneted, tidied, ate soup, napped, washed my hair... But I feel almost euphoric. True the end of the day has been the most rewarding; my boyfriend coming to pick me up and take me back to his - my mentioning how happy I was as we drove out of Marlow past the church, which seemed to stand taller than normal, with the street lamps throwing shadows up to the very tip. Everything was so perfect right at that moment. Being with him... feeling fresh and alive with a cool breeze blowing from the ac and a boystrous love song in the background.

Then he decides to make my day even more perfect by telling me he has a present for me in the bag at my feet. I already knew what it was because I had dragged him into gamestation only yesturday, snatched a box and run to the counter only to find it was sold out and act all distraught at the cashier. He found it cheaper in Tescos anyway. I cannot believe how special he makes me feel. I know the latest zombie game (Revelations w00t) might not exactly show every girl that a guy loves her, but I had to kiss him so many times (whilst he was driving) just because he does the nicest things for me. I really don't think I deserve it a lot of the time. I'm worried one day he'll realise he's wasting his money on me. I have to do something special for him now (even though it's valentines day soon and his birthday in March). He always does this, gives me presents for no occasion and no reason apart from that he loves me, I wish he would mention the things he wants more often.

When we got back to his we went straight out for food. Funnily enough the craving for burgers got the better of us and we wound up at McDonald's (chicken legend with bacon!) Despite the lack of romance associated with fast food I was still in this odd blanket of euphoria. He was hugging me whilst we were ordering and the cashier was so nice and friendly - seems all the crazy people come in on Sunday night though because the couple behind us were kissing at the counter xD Then we walked back home and I've played about 3 chapters of Resi. There's a lot of stuff to say there, but I think that's for another post.

Now I really can't explain why I feel like this, maybe I should just accept that my life isn't so terrible that I should feel like shit all the time, maybe it's because I've been working not to mention a hormonal, period induced, wreck the past few days and having a day off is amazing, or even the handful of vitamins I've been taking. Or perhaps it's just because I've found my place in the world. Some little niche where I'm cosy and safe with him. I know in day or so I'll be a grumpy bitch again, but for now life is sweet.

(Also we booked a holiday to Cancun Mexico for June which I am so bloody excited for!! 5 friggin star, white sandy beaches and to top it all off Vodka on tap in the room!! oh god I'm gonna get smashed I need about a beer and a half to be drunk @_@)

My webly to-do list:

Try and make a site again or a page or two for tumblr with a cool layout

365 day project! Must remember to take a pic EVERY day!!

try and finish Amber's Qs for that meme because I'm writing a whole friggin essay >__<