#cant forget

he would’ve wanted to touch my blue flowered dress

if i was thinner they would posted me on those towels

if i was thinner he would’ve wanted me 2 years ago

if i was thinner they wouldn’t second guess all my choices on how i look

if i was thinner i would’ve become a role that was desirable, not as some boyish man-servant

if i was thinner they wouldn’t look down at me like some greasy subway rat that follows them home

if i was thinner he would wear the ring i gave him, not as a joke, or to play on how i felt.

if i was thinner she wouldn’t be as close with me, she would treat me like she does with those she sees as competition.

if i was thinner people would believe me when i say i work out 4 times a week.

if i was thinner I would’ve have learned how to try and shove my face within itself

if i was thinner he would’ve wanted me

i wouldn’t have had to look at every outfit 20 times in 4 different mirrors in fear

i wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom every class because i don’t want anyone looking at me

it’s a terrible feeling to be too much and not enough at the same time.

if i was thinner he would’ve wanted me

I burries me, it burdens me, it burden-izes me. It makes me this cosmic problem. This terrible flesh monster of uncomprehending proportion.

if i was thinner he would’ve wanted me

I can’t breath and i wail like a dying bird.

i have to eat better. I have to be better. But i’m as better as i think i can be. I’m on eating disorder watch from my mother.

She knows how this feels, i reflect some warped future dream of hers. I was her happy girl for years.

i thought i was doing better.

if i was thinner he would’ve wanted me

if i was thinner they would’ve wanted me

if i was thinner he would’ve wanted me