**Broken, but Still Standing**
I had planned for this post to be one of joy, but it comes in great sorrow...Florizel and I had the misfortune to join one of the worst clubs you could ever be in.
Miscarriage.
I’m holding back tears as I write this. I’ve been talking about it, praying about it, trying to digest this news in the now 26 hours it’s been since the world turned upside down. Our bundle of joy’s heart stopped beating at 9 weeks, and I was fixing to begin week 13.
To say we are devastated is an understatement. I cried for hours, crying still today off and on. Florizel felt like he was hit in the chest, completely blindsided like I was. It took the stethoscope, a small scan, and ultrasound to confirm the worst. At first, it didn’t hit me that the child wasn’t alive, that the heart wasn’t beating. But when it did...the world stopped.
Stopped on a dime.
My worst nightmare come true. My worst fears realized in that moment. I was carrying a dead fetus. And had been for several weeks, thinking all was okay.
Though, I knew somewhere that things were not okay. I mentioned on several occasions that I felt like “nothing was there”. I was going through all the symptoms, but the baby was gone. No one could understand it.
The doctor and nurses were so kind to us as we processed this bombshell. They grieved with us and talked about what came next.
This Miscarriage Club is a shitty one to be in, let me tell ya. My sisters and mother in law, even my dad, are a part of this club. The thunderstorm comes and invades your life, filling it with sorry and guilt. I was told it wasn’t my fault, and I know it’s not. Doesn’t stop the pain of knowing my child is dead.
Luckily, it passed before we learned the gender, so we plan to remember, but not overly memorialize. Tanya has been in communication with us and we will meet with her tomorrow to discuss what comes next.
Right now, I hope to pass the baby naturally. In the event of it being stubborn, I will have a procedure done to have it taken out. It’s not a horrible one, but one I’d need to be knocked out for. 20 minutes later, all will be complete.
Words don’t describe the wave of emotions I’ve felt in the last 26 hours. What my husband, my dearest love, has felt. The baby developed just enough to be stuck inside me, not coming out like a normal miscarriage. I’ve felt cramps and seen some little bits of blood come out, but nothing big yet. Could be awhile.
We prayed yesterday for comfort and peace, and for any help to get us through this tragedy. It lingers on for me because I still carry the child, and I wish all of this was over. I want to see what happens in the coming days, but I won’t find fuller comfort until it is done. I just don’t want surgery...and it doesn’t need to happen right away.
It’s easier for me to think back on what happened, though it still fills me with pain...and for what it’s worth, we got to see our nugget. I want to process that as a happy memory, at least the first part of it before we learned the worst.
Yesterday afternoon/evening was a time of grief. We did go to the mall for a little while to walk, and Florizel thought about going to Ash Wednesday service. But I didn’t want to be home alone, so he said he would skip the service to be with me, and I’m glad he did.
We laid together in bed and wept, trying to make sense of it all, finding the silver linings, finding all of the goodness that came from it. It helped.
This morning, we held each other for half an hour before I got up for work. We clung to each other, finding comfort.
After we visit with Tanya, we plan to do something fun to get out of the house. Not sure what it will be, but we’ll come up with something.
To honor our baby, and strengthening love for one another, we plan to make the most of our summer. We already had a couple of trips planned, but we are going back to the summer plans we had before we found out I was pregnant.
We will have the summer of summers and revel in it. Afterward, we’ll try again in the fall for a baby. And this time, it will be okay.
Our rainbow baby.
We’ve been letting those we told about the pregnancy in on what happened, and Florizel will write an email to his family tomorrow. I feel so awful for him that he has to do it.
I’ve told who I need to tell, and it felt awful for me too. I’m heartbroken, upset, angry, cursing my body...but our faith and marriage is unshaken. Whatever happened, happened for a reason that I’ve yet to understand. And we believe that God is holding onto that soul for us, waiting until the body is better formed. Then, we’ll be reunited.
Readers, please pray for healing for us as we deal with this tragedy...and for those I know IRL who read this, please don’t spread the word, but feel free to message me if you’d like. It could have been a lot worse, but it’s a lot to handle right now.
Love to all. Here’s hoping for better luck next time. The summer to come is but small consolation and I wish it wasn’t happening at all. But, here we are. It gives us reasons to move forward, reasons to keep pushing towards bigger and better things.
We will always love the little one that wasn’t meant to be. If the soul isn’t meant to be reunited with us, let it either watch over us, or go to another family that is ready for such a beauty. And we thank God for what time we had and for the joy it brought us. It wasn’t our time, but we still had joy. And we are grateful.
God, this hurts so bad...I can’t stand this pain I’m in. It will pass, enough, but it never goes away. Please help me naturally, please don’t let this linger too long. Please be with Florizel and help him to grieve in a healthy way. Help him pass through this tunnel and bring him and I to light once again.
Help us through the storm so we can see the rainbow. Amen.
