#bymooseday

It’s almost 5 am and I can hear my uncle’s rooster crowing. I can hear our neighbors talking trying to keep their voice down at this eerie time of the day. I am from a remote part of the Philippines and most of the people from my village are my relatives. It’s time for Fajr (one of the five mandatory Islamic prayers or salah performed before sunset). I can hear my cousin calling for prayer or reciting the Azan. I always love the sound of the Azan during Fajr, because it gives me this feeling of serenity and divination. I may not be pious like most of my family but I have so much respect for my religion. I can hear my Umme from upstairs, she usually wakes up during Fajr and prays before she started her day. As for me, it’s time to take a nap and or prepare another mug of coffee and or buy another pack of cigarettes. I usually wait for my aunt’s sari-sari store to open, so that I can sit there all day long, listening to them gossiping.

I was suffering from severe isolation for as long as I remembered. Which leads me to a path that I’m gonna regret for the rest of my life. It is also one of the reasons why I went back home, to our village. It was a phase in my life in which I have learned how to pick myself up when no one could offer their hands to lift me. I also help myself to start from scratch. It’s a story for next time.

I was sitting on a log on a coastal beach of Pattaya, on an island of Koh Lipe, Thailand. I was watching all these tourists takings photos of the most peaceful sunset I have ever seen. It made me think of memories back then, trying to stand on my own so that I can save enough money to get out of my hometown. I always have this strange feeling of confinement, like I don’t belong. These thoughts made me smile while writing this. I have this urge in me when I was in my early teenage life to find a place I can call home. Funny it may sound but my childhood wasn’t that great, but it was something I am thankful for somehow.

But hey, I was a kid, I don’t have any idea what awaits me beyond the horizon of my island. I can’t say I know better now, but I’ve learned the hard way.

I keep asking myself, where is home? We always dreamed of that place somewhere, where we can be ourselves and start a new life. Freedom, acceptance, and happiness.

Sometimes it’s impossible to dream and think of a home, with all these worries and uncertainties in life. We are too busy chasing high after high, we even forget how to live our life. We are so tied up and so focus on things that we thought that matters, but the reality is, it’s another short-term high.

My dream was to settle on an island somewhere, where no one knows me, where I can finally start over. Yet, life doesn’t work the way I imagine it to be, it will slap you with reality. It’s like a universe giving you a message but you failed to acknowledge it and ended up fckin yourself up.

Silence can be so loud sometimes, it gives you chills and goosebumps. I can hear my thoughts and the sound of the cold wind in a humid afternoon whispering like a devil. It wants me to end all my suffering and finally, I can take my rest. Sleepless nights, and non-stop medications. I can see myself sobbing at the back of our door when I was 7 years old trying to hide from my prey. I can smell the euphoric scent of my first heartbreak. I tried to stop it all and failed, I lost count of my attempts. I’m lying drained and soaked in blood.

Until I found myself lost and wandering on the beautiful island of Koh Lipe.

I spend most of my time on the beach of Pattaya. I wake early in the morning, go for a walk, and enjoyed an early dip on the most pristine water like it was my first time. It was always liberating. I can feel the spirit of the ocean, its soul is like dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. I can hear water nymphs whispering in my ear with words I never heard before or was it another dream?

Most of the time, I felt like I’m trapped at the bottom of the ocean. I can see the surface and the people above, laughing and enjoying but no one sees me. I’m sinking and drowning, the current is so strong and I’m out of the air to breathe but I’m not dying. It’s getting darker and colder but at that time, it was different. I can see the bluest luminescence reflection of the sky that touches the horizon of the ocean. Twas pure peace and I know it was real, I can feel it, I was not dreaming. It was me waking up from a fathomless and horrifying dream. It was something out of this earth feeling. I felt a spark pinch-like struck on my chest but instead of pain, I felt joy, tears starting to fall. As I walked out of the water, I see a group of monks smiling at me. I smile back and whispered to myself "Thank you for this amazing day". And, while making myself comfortable laying on the beach. I met Coral, an island dog who always followed me everywhere I go and we became best friends. Gosh, I miss her.

For the longest time, I felt alive. All those awful nights starting to ease down and I remembered sleeping like a log.

I ended up staying on the island of Koh Lipe for a while. I spend most of my time on the beach watching people enjoying the most peaceful sunset. The beauty we failed to acknowledge, yet it never complaints. I’ve met a lot of people who make a significant impact in my life. Koh Lipe offers me, serenity, forgiveness, love, kindness, patient, wisdom, and family. It heals me and makes me realize that somehow in our life we need to get lost to see the beauty we failed to acknowledge. And, it was home for a while and it will be forever home in my heart.

I guess somehow in our life we need to chase the impossible to realized that what we’re looking for is at the tip of our toe. I traveled far to find the idea of home because I always feel like a stranger in my own skin and story. Yet, I failed to acknowledge that my village and my people feel the same way that I do. I was lucky and brave enough to take the risk to find my answer. And, it woke me up.

Since I can’t bring my people to see the world and make them see that there's beauty beyond our horizon. I'll try my best to bring their stories with me and bring some part of the world with me when I go back. So, if you find yourself wandering in my village one day, I hope you'll find your answers too.

To be honest, I’m still searching for a home, but this time I know exactly what I’m looking for. So see you out there, in Koh Lipe.