#buschgardens

I went to Busch Gardens this past week, and I can tell you the real reason people are fighting. See, theme parks are ALSO experiencing a staffing shortage. As a result, half the snack stands were closed, and the only ones open were basically just selling popcorn. There are 6 full-scale dining establishments where you can buy full meals, but only four were open, one of which only serves entrees, no sides and another which only serves sides, no entrees, which are on opposite sides of the park. (Dining passes entitle you to an entree + a side, so you’re not getting your money’s worth if you go to one of these places with a pass.)

The REAL kicker, we discovered as we were creeping up on desperate hunger, was that the only vegetarian meal offered in the entire park was cheese pizza, which was only available at Das Festhaus, a massive German themed dining hall with a stage in the middle. Normally the stage is occupied by yodelers in lederhosen.

“What will you do if we get there and they’re out of cheese pizza?” my friend asked me.

“I will fight the first person I see,” I replied with conviction.

They did have cheese pizza, but we soon faced an even more horrifying prospect: Because of the Halloween season, Das Festhaus had been converted into Das Nightmarehaus. Instead of yodelers, we emerged into the dining area to find the stage filled with an odd assortment of performers, including impersonators of Beyonce, Billie Eilish, Harry Styles, Ariana Grande, and Bruno Mars. There were colorful club lights and pounding bass as they engaged in some sort of horrific singing competition. A goth Baby Spice paced the edge of the stage making menacing hand gestures. The music was so loud you had to shout to be heard over it. It was 2pm.

“I wish I had never gotten treatment for my dissociation,” I shouted. “I want to dissociate.”

“I think this is a form of torture, legally,” my one friend said.

“Julia,” shouted the other, “what’s in that bottle of pills you brought?”

We opened it and found ibuprofen, naproxen, two Claratin, and three Benadryls.

“It’s not enough,” she said, despondent. “This isn’t enough.”

“We could get beer,” the first friend suggested. “We could take the Benadryl with beer.”

“The beer garden is closed,” I reminded him.

We finished eating as quickly as possible, fled Das Nightmarehaus, and immediately found a stand selling alcohol outside. We each ordered a drink with tequila in it.

“You guys lucked out on there not being a line,” the server commented. “It’s been crazy busy. Nonstop, really.”

We nodded at her grimly.

“What would you have done if there was a line?” my friend asked as we walked away.

When my wife and I were visiting Busch Gardens: Tampa Bay last summer, we decided to book ourselves an up-close encounter with some of the largest tortoises in the world with an Aldabra Tortoise Insider Tour!  🐢