#burning out

Not in a dramatic way. Not in a way that makes people stop and stare. In a slow, quiet way. Like a fire that has been smouldering for so long that I've forgotten what it feels like not to be warm with exhaustion.

I keep going. I get up. I go to work. I take care of the house. I answer messages. I smile. I laugh. I make plans. I do all the things a functioning person is supposed to do.

But underneath it, I feel stretched so thin that sometimes I wonder how much more I can hold before something finally gives.

I feel unseen.

Not invisible. People see me. They talk to me. They know my name. But I don't know if they really see me. The effort. The weight. The constant balancing act of trying to be everything for everyone while quietly hoping someone notices I'm struggling before I have to say it out loud.

I am so tired of being resilient.

Everyone praises resilience like it's a gift, but resilience is often just surviving things you never wanted to survive in the first place.

Some days I feel like a kettle left on the stove too long. The pressure builds and builds and builds. I can hear the whistle starting somewhere deep inside me, but I keep turning the burner up because there are things that need doing and people who need me and responsibilities that won't wait.

And yet, there is this loneliness that follows me around.

Not because I am alone.

Because I feel alone in what I carry.

I don't want fixing. I don't want solutions. I don't want someone to tell me how lucky I am or how strong I am.

I think I just want someone to look at me and say, "That sounds heavy."

Because it is.

And lately, I think I've been carrying too much for too long.

Maybe that's what this feeling is.

Not weakness.

Not failure.

Just a soul that has been running on empty for longer than it should have.

I have spoken about this before, but my answer unfortunately is that I have no intention of going back to live streaming right now. What most people don't realise is that it is extremely tiring and takes a toll over time. There is a reason so many live streamers quit. Beyond a point, it just gets too much to handle.

I was live streaming for three years on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis. I was completely spent by the end of it. It took me months to regain some semblance of calm and quiet in my life, which is necessary for me to be able to write and create art.