On having routine and building habit
As the new-year-resolutions season approaching, I want to mention a lesser discussed aspect of having new routines and building new habits: sometimes, it still feels hard no matter how long you do it. Sometimes the deeds still feel uncomfortable even when you know what to expect and you do it everyday, from the thought of starting to do it, to the step-by-step process of doing it. I guess when people say "it gets easier", they mean the routine becomes a apart of you and you know you can get through it no matter how vein-popping difficult or soul-draining boring it is, but not without a concerted endeavour.
I recently build a new routine of waking up at 6 or earlier and hitting the gym. It's been 2 months already. The waking up early is not much of a problem, it does feel easier as there are less and less inertia and burdening thoughts about getting things going (actually the hard part is sleeping earlier, oof). The heavy work, however, is still relatively heavy. I still huff and puff doing all those exercise routines, still doubt myself if I ever get "better" when i fail to pull more weights. Some days, there is no catharsis even though the numbers are positive. But I still show up as much as I can. It's just the way I feel I guess.
I remember back in day 5 or 6, I was doing this HIIT exercise that involved a lot of jumping, which is the bane of my existence. I have a personal trainer so I know there is no question of safety for me to not do that routine. But knowing that did not negate the pain or the loneliness when I actually went through it. My body wasn't screaming, it was begging for mercy. The laziness (or whatever you can call it) was punching and kicking in my chest, hoping to escape this frailing vessel. There was no motivational words, no mental gymnastics, no sweet nothings to distract me from the fact that I can feel time coursing through my face in hot droplets. When all thoughts fail, what's left was "Let this be the lowest point I will ever feel in my journey". And it was, in a way. I never feel as low as that point in exercise ever since. I tottered through, and i was through.
There are still days where even after I have mustered up the mental energy to keep it going, it still does not feel good. In fact there are more of those days than not, for the past 2 months at least. But all that is not to say it's all suffering. I don't mean to paint all efforts for a routine and habit as soulless. If you can feel easier and more delightful to perform a routine, congratulations! You have the ability to love what you do. That's beautiful. But if you don't, it's OK. It is not a "wrong" feeling to have and it's still the right thing to pursue. Maybe you can't grow to love every moment of "the task" any more than you have, but it's possible to gain a new found love for the fact that you show up, of you doing, you being, regardless of whatever objects following these verbs are. And really, who to say that kind of love is not sacred enough to try.
