under-discussed opportunity for off-screen development is the fact that they tell us buck called their parents to inform them of doug's passing because it raises so many more questions than it answers... when was the last time buck or maddie talked to them.... did they know she was living in LA.... that she left doug.... did she have to ask them at some point in her trip across country to not tell doug where she was if he came looking for her.... how much did buck have to explain and how hard did he work to keep as much of it as close to his chest as possible because maddie was still in the hospital and he didn't want to take her story out of her control.... do you think that the conversation crosses a line past tense and buck blames himself in the aftermath for why they don't show up to check on maddie and help her in her recovery.... does the case reach national news and if so how do the people who hid a son from the world for 30 years cope with the people in their community getting this window into a different major family trauma... literally the possibilities here are endless for buckley family weirdness and i am chewing on all of it....
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The last time Buck felt this nervous about talking to Maddie, he was fifteen and had scratched the Jeep. It was a real good one too, paint and metal flaked off the driverās side door, the panelling beneath dented enough to catch when you tried to close it. Maddie and his parents were out for the night, and it hadnāt taken much convincing from his friend Andrew for Buck to lift the keys from the bowl on Maddieās dresser and take it for a spin. When heād scraped the door while parking Andrew had climbed out, taken one look at the car and fled. It wasnāt the kind of scratch you could buff out and besides, he and Maddie had promised a long time ago to be honest with each other. They were on the same team, always.
But Maddie had loved that Jeep. Buck remembers feeling sick to his stomach, practicing what he would say to her. Heās pretty sure he threw up over it.
He hopes heās not gonna throw up now. Maddieās in the kitchen, pouring enough red into their wine glasses Buck probably shouldnāt drive after drinking his. Chimās doing something with Albert tonight and Jee is asleep, had been already when Buck got over here. Heād poked his head in to check on her and brushed an air kiss over her soft curls, so as not to wake her, in case she felt a real one. Heād stood from his crouch to find Maddie watching them in the doorway, her head leaned up against the jamb. She was smiling softly. When she saw him looking she lifted her hand, tilted it toward her mouth. Wine?
Jesus, heād need it. Buck had nodded and followed Maddie from Jeeās room.
She brings the promised glass out, unnervingly full, and sits across from him on the couch with one leg on the floor, the other tucked up beneath her. Buck flicks his fingernail over the thin rim of the glass, listening to the sharp ring of it, until Maddie sighs and reaches over and puts her hand over his to stop it.
āWhatās wrong?ā she asks, not exactly kindly. Not accusatory either, justāexasperated. Her eyebrows have climbed halfway up her forehead but when Buck doesnāt answer straight away they draw back down, then further still, until sheās frowning. āEvan?ā
I scratched the Jeep, Buck had blurted, almost twenty years ago now from the top of the stairs before Maddie had even taken her key out the door. Sheād looked at him that same way, eyebrows drawing together, face scrunching into a scowl as the words registered. Sheād said, youāve got to be fucking kidding me, and stomped back outside to take a look at the damage. Sheād left her keys in the door.
Buckās pretty sure sheāll have a different answer this time, but the words still stick in his throat. It feels like it did when she told him about Daniel, when everything in his life could be divided neatly down the line of before-I-knew, and after. Heās drawn a second line in his head without even realising it, but which side of it things are sitting on, heās still figuring out. Heād taken Maddieās Jeep to impress Andrew, was the thing, who had blue eyes and shaggy blonde hair and was always quick to smile, quicker, even, than Buck, though of course heād only been Evan back then. Cāmon, Ev, heād pleaded, wide-eyed, glinting with mischief. Heād wound the windows all the way down as they drove, laughing, the sound carrying from the car and turning Hershey into something else entirely, something that clung at Buckās heart and made him want to stay. At least, until two years later, when Andrew had gotten into Cornell and left Buck there, in Hershey, taking all the good things about it with him.
Should Buck have known, even then?
Maddieās still looking at him. Buck wriggles his hand out from under hers and sets his wine on the coffee table. After a moment, she puts hers down too.
āIām,ā Buck says, and the word that should come after sticks in his throat. āSomethingāhappened. I, um, I did something.ā
āOh-kay,ā Maddie says slowly, drawing the word out like itās two: Oh⦠kay. She brings her other leg up so sheās cross-legged on the couch. āIs it something bad? I donāt need to hide a body for you, do I?ā
āWhat?ā Buck laughs, a quick exhale through his nose. Itās enough to ease some of the tension in his shoulders and break Maddieās face into a small smile. āNo, nothing like that. Though IāIām concerned thatās where your mind went first.ā
She shrugs. āChim and Iāve been marathoning Criminal Minds.ā
āAh.ā He rubs at his mouth. āNo, um. Itās not, like, a big deal, I guess. I meanāit is, but notālike that.ā
āOkay.ā She looks at him.
Buck had stayed at the top of the stairs until Maddie had come back inside. Sheād taken a deep breath, slid her keys from the door, shut it behind herself and locked it. Iām really mad at you, sheād said, her voice level. And then sheād looked up at him, and sighedāmaybe at the way he was clutching his hands round his shoulders. Maybe at the fact he hadnāt moved an inch since she got home. Maddie sighed a lot when she was here. At their parents, when they couldnāt go a single Sunday dinner without arguing. At Buck, when he spilled bright blue nail polish all over the carpet in her room. At Doug, over the phone, when she didnāt know Buck was listening.
Sheād walked up the stairs and sat next to him on the landing. Their shoulders bumped together. But Iām really glad you told me, sheād said, then grabbed his head and scuffed her knuckles through his hair. Youāre paying for the repairs, stupid. Which had been a lie, anyway.
Buck takes a breath. He lets it out all at once. Maddieās looking at him steadily. āTommy kissed me,ā he says. āI kissed him back. Weāre going on a date on Saturday and I. I think I like guys.ā He swallows. āThatās, um, it.ā
āEvan,ā Maddie says, and then nothing else because sheās in his arms, hugging him. His hands come up to her shoulder blades, the wings of them beneath her sweatshirt, and heās been bigger and taller than his older sister since his growth spurt when he was fourteen but right now itās like that doesnāt even matter. She holds him like she wonāt let go and that tiny knot of tension, that ugly scrunching of doubt that had been nestled in his chestāit releases. Of course, it seems to say. Of course itās okay. Like Buck had been an idiot to ever think otherwise. Whichāheās often an idiot. Maddie loves him anyway.
āIām sorry,ā she says thickly, sounding suspiciously snotty where her face is pressed against Buckās neck. āI donāt really know the right thing to say. I love you, Evan, Iāmāso proud of you.ā
Buck gives his own sniffle. āThat works,ā he manages to say, and then Maddie is pulling back, wiping at her eyes and under her nose. Thereās a damp patch on the shoulder of Buckās shirt, that she seems to use as a target when she socks him. āOw. What was that for?ā
āYouāre an idiot!ā She throws her hands into the air. āYou were pullingāfuckingāpigtails!ā Each word is punctuated by another punch. Thereās no weight behind them, and after the third Maddie sits back, takes a deep breath.
āIs this where you tell me that being mean to a boy isnāt the way to tell him I like him?ā
āSeems like I donāt have to.ā She presses her lips together, like sheās trying to still be mad, but it hardly lasts a second until her face splits into a smile. āEvan,ā she says. āOh my God. Okay.ā
She leans over to scoop up their glasses of wine and presses Buckās into his waiting hand, and they could be fifteen and twenty-three again, shoulder-to-shoulder on the landing of their house in Hershey. Twenty-seven and thirty-five, drinking wine on Abbyās couch. Twenty-nine and thirty-seven, sifting through a baby box of memories, stood just over the line between before and after. Although maybe Buck was wrong. Maybe there is no lineāno clean way to divide a life that will always be messy, because thatās what life is, isnāt it?
Windows rolled downānail polish on the carpetāa kiss you didnāt even know you wanted, until you did.
Maddie takes a big gulp of wine, and her eyes are sparkling, matching a smile thatās almost as wide as her face. āTell me everything,ā she says, and Buck laughs, and does.
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and the months flew like swallows to sea
now you're calling my phone instead of my street
are you dancing whilst i am asleep?
do you miss having me beside you?
[ID: five gifs of maddie and buck paired with lyrics from personal best by maisie peters
GIF 1: two gifs from 4x05 blended together -- young maddie teaching young buck how to ride a bike, blending into buck driving the jeep to his first day at the 118. white text reads: august was two blue bikes we don't use now you drive
GIF 2: buck and maddie laughing in abby's apartment in 2x01. white text reads: you're my favourite escape in the city
GIF 3: buck and maddie hugging in 2x13 after maddie escapes from doug. white text reads: and i don't feel right unless you are here with me
GIF 4: maddie hugging buck's arm in 4x05 while they look at buck's postcards. white text reads: all that we are in the greatest of victories
GIF 5: maddie hugging buck during their reunion in 5x13. white text reads: you're my personal best
I think we have to remember to take all characterization of Daniel and the Buckley's within Buck's coma dream very very lightly considering that they're all manifestations of Buck's subconscious. None of this characters reacted the way they probably actually would because this was Buck coming up with all of these characterizations in his own head of people he didn't know
And yes, this is about me wanting to very much like Daniel Buckley but he was an absolute douchebag and I refuse to accept it.