#btswritings

Genre: Angst

Word count: 0.9k

Notes: Ddosun is the name of Jimin’s old dog.

My head sways slightly back and forth…

Wait no - I’m still. This is all in my head. I’m not even moving anymore. My bare toes clench the laminate floor, grasping it after another sloppy pirouette.

I shut my eyes, squeezing all my muscles towards the bridge of my nose. Trying to regain my balance. The only real sounds I hear are my shallow pants echoing off of the mirrored walls. I try to push Ddosun’s voice deeper into the back of my mind.

I know you’re not real, Ddosun.

I won’t say cliche things like ‘have strength’

I’ll just listen Jimin, I’ll listen

I feel his fur against my calves. Just as soft as freshly fallen snow, but equally as unreal. It's August. I look down to see nothing but my blood rushed feet. My eyes flicker in rhythm with the broken light in the corner of the dance studio. I feel the purple pain and agony and my knees hit the ground. From my ears which the sickening indigo ache runs to, I hear boldy consistent footsteps approach.

“Holy shit”

Taehyung...?

“Damn you Jimin.” He grits his teeth.

Today, his voice is like a river encouraged by an impulsive tsunami. Unlike his usual tone, which is as smooth as plummeting beads of rainwater. His syllables could be spring droplets, but which of mother nature's marbles have the power to move boulders? My thoughts begin to consume each other much like these beads that dive into the waves of tsunamis. They evaporate and become the sky, flying through this deep space of my mind, tumbling over each other. Tag, you’re it!

Ah, hello, memories.

Eating only cup noodles with Taehyung through our rough pre debut. Ddosun’s fur soaking up my bitter tears of failure... You were all I had. But do I still have you?

The thoughts are gone by the time my tsunami ruins the ancient city. The calm in between the many August typhoons arrives. My mind runs silent as I hear a familiar voice.

“Yeah. He's in the hospital for starving again.”

Excitedly welcoming the new words, my eyes crack open to his talking only to realize he's outside of the room. An attempt to move my arm only results in a sharp prick from the IV tube cutting through my muscles. An electric current igniting my body into a rapid dance of pain. I prefer softer dances, thank you. The bright sun from the window blinds me. Ddosun. The aftertaste of iron blood glisses across my mouth. Ddosun. The blinding rays spiral through my eyes and weave past my various thoughts... until they meet Ddosun’s voice again… we’ve made it to him again.

I told you you’d overcome it

You didn’t

But I believe in your galaxy

How will the stars in your milky way I see embroider your sky?

What does that even mean, Ddosun. You’re not even human. You’re not even on this earth anymore. What are you doing in my thoughts… to my thoughts… I remember when you were alive. You had so much love to give, and I had a purpose back then.

My eyes are still hazy but I see the brass door knob turn. A familiar face meets my eyes. I refocus on the pang of bitter on my tastebuds to avoid the yellow emotion that is growing from my stomach up.

“Tae...”

He doesn’t wear his boxy smile today. Nor are there galaxies in his eyes....

“Your body can't take any more of this shit. We worry about you so much, damn it.”

Taehyung sits on the corner of my the hospital bed. Rubbing his eyes with his soft hands. I brush my face with my palms as an attempt to rid my face of this feeling that continuously crawls up my abdomen no matter how many times I fight it to stay at bay. Thoughts, thoughts… Ddosun.

Remember 4 o'clock. That song is about you. Taehyung wrote about your friendship. You’re the moon, the blue shade, you see?

… the moon?

Following into the deep night

The sound of you singing

Brings the red morning

A step, and another step

The dawn passes

And when that moon falls asleep

The blue shade that stayed with me disappears

“You look like a fat pig that can’t stop eating”

Days when you hate that you’re you

Days when you want to disappear

Let's make a door in your heart… and when you open that door and go inside, this place will be waiting for you

Magic Shop

I want to love myself. How can I love myself who needs to eat less.The self that can't lose any fucking weight without passing out? Even me, can't love myself.

“Magic shop… maybe I'm almost there, at least I'm discharged, Ddosun…” I hum to myself.

I push the glass door, leaving a hand print with curves similar to rivers on it. Walking out of the volumeless air conditioned breeze behind me, welcoming the thick August heat. My phone sits quietly in my palm, hand wrapping around it. But just by staring at it I hear the screams of the comments. My hand quivers as I swipe my thumb up and tap in the password.

Twitter.

“Fat pig”

“He needs to go on a diet already, the other members are so much more handsome”

My breath hitches and my nose pricks. The feeling of getting chlorine pool water up your nose, that's the feeling of the trigger pulling tears down your face. The door Ddosun told me about… where is it…

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I'm learning how to love myself.