You were barely able to make it home without your tears escaping from your eyes. You had such a stressful day- week- at work that it’s a miracle that you hadn’t commpletely broken down. Well, at least until now. 

As you step inside of your apartment, you instantly broke down to tears. You take your coat and shoes of with teary eyes, not taking much attention how much sound you were making. Which could be the reason why Yoongi came out of his work room confused about the fuss you were making. 

“Hey! Glad to see you home!” he said with his brows furrowed in confusion, but still smiling that you came home early today, unlike all the days before. After seeing you won’t share his enthusiasm, he quickly became concerned.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he came over to you, and put his hands on your cheeks so that you finally have your focus on him. 

“Just...I had a hard week. I don’t really feel like talking about it right now.” you answered him. He quickly nod, and started to led you to the kitchen.

“I already cooked dinner before when i had time, so you don’t have to worry about that. What about you eat, while i make a bath for you?” he said with a gentle smile on his lips while he placed the dinner in front of you.

“That would be great.” you force out a smile at his thoughtfulness.

Until you ate, Yoongi made the bath for you, and when you finished your dinner, you head straight to the bathroom. Once you reach the bathroom, you finally feel a little bit easier than you felt the whole week. The bathtub is full with water, bubble bath in it. It’s smelling increadibly good. And of course, you saw Yoongi sitting on the outside of the bathtub, waiting for you.

“Thank you. You’re increadible.” You said to him while you started to undress.

“I know.” he shrug his shoulder with a smirk. You smile by his act, feeling a bit easier now that he’s beside you.

Once you undressed you sat in the bathtub, letting out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks, squatting down beside you with a loving look in his eyes.

“Like someone who was knocked out in the middle of the street, and people wouldn’t notice it and just step over me.” you answered with your eyes closed. 

“I noticed it. That’s why your here right now- so I can take care of you” he brushes your cheeks with his hands, the feeling so light and caring you feel like you could cry.

“But I know a way you could make this even better. Wanna join?” you open your eyes to look at him as he hums in agreement, starting to undress. Of course, you watched him. The way his dark hair brushing over his forhead. The way his muscles move when he takes of his shirt. The way he looks at you in the corner of his eyes with a knowing smile. God, you’re so in love with him.. 

Once he sat behind you in the bathtub, you let your head fall on his shoulder with a tired sigh. You just sat there with him in silence for a long time, he caressing your arms, and you lying in his shoulder. After some time he asked. “Do you feel any better now?”

“A bit” you answered. “I don’t feel like crying anymore, which is a good thing. But I’m still not feeling well. I’m exhausted.”

“That can happen to anyone, it’s normal. You just need to take some time to yourself. It’ll help, believe me.” Yoongi smiled at you. 

“Well, I can’t say that you’re wrong. But I still have a lot to work on, I can’t just drop everything and go.”

“If someone, I can understand what are you saying. But at least a weekend wouldn’t be a bad idea. You have to take care of yourself, physically and mentally too. And by the way, I’m free for the weekend anyway.Don’t you want to spend soe time with me?” he looked at you with a shy smile. He knew you too well. He knew you wouldn’t say no to spend time with him.

“Fine. But if you are planning to do an active weekend, I’m staying home.” you looked at him with a serious expression in your face. 

“Do I look like a person to you who would do that?” he looked back at you, mirroring your expression. You both stayed at this for a while, until you burst out of laughing.

“Ok, we should actually start to bathe now, it’s getting late, and you need to rest.” he said to you after you both calmed down.

“You say this as if you shouldn’t rest too.” you looked at him with an angry expression.

“This isn’ about me right now” he gazed into your eyes, his face still serious.

**

After you both take a bathe, you got dressend and slipped into bed. Yoongi layed on his back, your head on his shoulder. Your armes and legs are tangled with each other. You just layed there in silence and peace, allowing your thoughts to fill your brain, knowing you have Yoongi by your side. Knowing you are safe.

“Thank you for today. It really helped” you spoke after a few moments.

“I’m glad I was able to. I don’t like seeing you sad.” his sentence filled you with happines,because you knew the meaning of it. He said I love you whitout actually saying it. You smiled at the thought.

“I don’t like you being sad either.”

“I’m not sad.” he said, his tone telling too much and not enough at hte same time.

“You know how I mean it.” you lifted your head to look at him.

“I know” he smiled at you, taking one of his hands to the back of your head, bringing you down for a soft kiss. 

And slip he did, right through a thick piece of ice.

Not literally of course, the heat in your country heated the water before it even had a chance to drop to such a temperature to freeze. No, his perfect façade faded. One day it was good morning texts, the next it was you asking if he was okay and him not replying till 4pm in the afternoon with one word – not even bothering to ask if you were okay. Trying to get a conversation out of him was like trying to squeeze shit through a straw, completely pointless. Yet there you were, trying and holding onto what was left. The hopeless romantic in you refusing to believe that it had fizzled out and he was no longer interested in spending time with you or wanting to know how your day had gone.

Just silence.

‘You’re so young, don’t worry about it’. Young? Yes. Tired? Exhausted. You had been known for the theatrics and anytime you tried to explain how tired and drained you were, they simply scoffed and told you that you’d be over it before you know it. It was easy for them, their husbands, wives, partners were their first or their second. Yet, you had a long history of short relationships that lead nowhere and were often fake while they chased who they really wanted. Then you met him. Over a year you had him where you wanted him to be and it felt nice to be able to tell people you had someone and it to be still the same the next time you spoke. He fit perfectly into the life you had imagined, never asking for too much and never expecting too little. Perfect.

Or was it really perfect? Did you see what you wanted to see? Did you ignore the signs he gave and pushed them back? Of course, if you didn’t then you wouldn’t be sitting on the kitchen floor, half drunk and thinking of every little thing he did – or didn’t do.

He did bring you your favourite food whenever he could. He did tell you what he liked most about you. He did support everything you did. He did protect you at every chance and he did introduce you to his friends as soon as you agreed. He respected who you were and the boundaries you had set. He did make you laugh, and a smile would always grace your face when his name was mentioned, or he walked into a room.

He didn’t tell you he loved you till you would. He wouldn’t go out of his way to see you when he was free. He did put his friends first. He did make you cry without knowing. He didn’t answer calls when you needed him most.

But that’s normal, right? He had his life to live, he couldn’t drop everything to run at your beck and call. So why did you? Why were you first on the scene when his smile fell? Why were you the first to schedule a date? Why was it always you telling him you loved him first, and sometimes only you?

“You’re being very dramatic,” Sasha says walking into the kitchen in her new year’s outfit.

“Is that right?” you reply in a monotone voice.

“You should come to the party! Everyone is going to be there, it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t feel like fun.”

“You don’t look like much fun,” Enya jokes walking into the kitchen, clearly not reading the room. Sasha shoots her a glare before returning her attention to you.

“Come on, I have a dress you can wear.”

“No thanks,” you say, “I’m good here.”

She sighs and looks at Enya with a concerned look, Enya simply shrugged in return before turning on her heels and walking out of the kitchen.

“Y/N,” she says kneeling down in front of you, “This isn’t going to help you.”

“I don’t want it to,” you reply, “I just want to feel it out.”

“You’ve been feeling it out for 3 months.”

“We were together for a year, I have another 3 to go,” you tell her. Half the relationship time and that is how long you’re allowed to feel sad about it they say.

“That’s a terrible phrase,” she groans standing up, “I’ll leave the dress and shoes by the door if you change your mind. Change into the clothes, don’t come in that.”

You look down at the dirty sweatpants and oversized jumper before meeting eye contact, “But this is such a look.”

“I’m not going to tell you what you look like,” she smiles before checking her bag, “We’re going.”

“Have fun.”

“We will!” Enya shouts opening the front door, “Fuck it’s freezing!”

“They think it’ll snow,” Sasha says, “Unusual for here since it’s always so hot.”

“Reverse global warming,” Enya laughs.

“I wish,” Sasha groans walking out of the kitchen, “Bye Y/N!”

You picked up the half empty bottle of vodka and took another swig before groaning and kicking it away from you. Everything felt bad and smelt bad if they got too close to you. Half of you hated what you had become and the other loved the miserable, empty feeling that resided. But Sasha was right, even though you hated to admit it. You needed to feel something different than the empty yearning feeling, and maybe a party surrounded by people who were too drunk to care that you were quiet would do the trick.

Right?

Wrong. The music was loud, the people were a lot drunker than first anticipated and to make it worse you forgot that the whole point of New Year’s Eve was the midnight kiss. You could always hide in a toilet or on a balcony while it happened, but there was something about it that made you feel a lot worse than just standing around watching everyone kiss a stranger.

“You’re here!” Sasha screams letting go of Hoseok’s hand, “And you smell nice!”

“I showered,” you reply as she shook you left to right excitedly, “Where’s Enya?”

“Her and Taehyung are playing a game of who can drink the most shots in a minute. She lost the first two rounds, she’s determined now.”

“Jeez, how many did Taehyung drink?”

“1, she couldn’t finish them,” Sasha laughs spilling her drink, “Shit! Come on let’s both get a drink.”

“I think I’ve had enough,” you say as she pulls you between the crowd of people.

“You had two swigs of vodka, that’s just a double!”

“Three.”

“Well drink a coke or something then,” she says throwing a can at you, except it misses and goes straight into the back of the person behind you.

“I’m so sorry!” Sasha screams.

“That really hurt!” she cries dramatically, you thrown as you pick it up off the floor as the boy, she was with crouches down with you.

“Thanks,” you mumble as your hand meets his over the can, a spark ran up your arm and you immediately knew who’s hand you had touched. His.

“Shit,” Sasha whispers from behind you.

“Y/N,” Jungkook smiles sadly.

“Yeah, hi,” you say taking the can off him and walking out of the kitchen. The first time you see him, and he was with someone else… and she was a lot prettier than you could ever imagine to be.

“No wait,” he says following you through the crowd and onto the balcony.

“What?” you ask trying to freeze your now piping hot cheeks.

“Your bright red,” he replies worryingly, “Are you okay?”

“Just hot,” you say putting the cold can to your cheek.

He laughs and looks at you intently, “I’m not with her by the way. She was asking me about my shirt.”

“She was flirting with you.”

“No, she wasn’t.”

You sit on the cold, hard floor, and groan, “Yes she was Jungkook.”

“Oh, I didn’t realise.”

“Of course, you didn’t,” you say lifting your head and closing your eyes. You feel his body sit down next you as he shifts awkwardly.

“How have you been?”

“The usual.”

He nods his head, “I deserve that.”

“Deserve what?” you groan.

“The coldness.”

“Yeah, you do,” you say looking at him, “Tell me, did I deserve it?”

“No, you really didn’t.”

“Didn’t think so.”

It fell silent once more as he fiddled with his hands in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” he says breaking the silence.

“You’re 3 months too late.”

“I feel like I’m 6 months too late. I didn’t treat you the best towards the end.”

“Well, you were trying to give me a clue,” you tell him with a sigh.

“No, I wasn’t. I was really struggling with university and work and I lost sight of who I was and who I had around me. I took a lot for granted.”

You shrug your shoulders as you watched everyone inside laugh and practically fall over each other. Yet here you were, on a balcony with your ex-boyfriend who was apologising over and over.

“No offense Jungkook, but I don’t want anymore apologies. They’re pointless,” you interrupt, “You can’t apologise for being an asshole 3 months after being one.”

“I know, you like action not words,” he says, “How can I show you?”

“By being considerate to your next girlfriend,” you tell him standing up, “And telling her you love her from time to time.”

“I love you,” he says, “I did then, I do now, and I will – forever and always,” Jungkook says before you opened the door to the party. Turning to look at him you saw the sincere, nervous look he had when you first met.

“Tell it to your next one,” you reply opening the door and pushing through the crowd. He didn’t come after you and you didn’t expect him to. The words you had left him with were harsh, but at least he knew how it felt to not have the person you love say it back.

Now it was time to focus on not losing what is left of you and stopping the anxiety you felt when you looked back at everything you had given him.

Except just one thought lingered as you walked home.

Had you wasted the best of you on him?

You were an ARMY since the beginning. You made it your mission to attend every concert they held that was nearest to your location, also making sure to take high quality pictures of the boys, mainly Jungkook, for fans to see. 

Your online fan site career begun after looking over the pictures you took at their first concert. The way Jungkook’s tight dark jeans gripped onto his thighs,  so clearly that you could see the folds around his crotch area. Hoseok’s face drenched in sweat, like he just stepped out of the shower, radiated in your small camera screen and you could almost lick it off his face. 

You deemed yourself a Jungkook fan site, occasionally posting pictures of the other boys because they were just too good not to show off. Over the years, you’ve developed a following - eventually reaching the top status, a popular account if you were to boost yourself.

You knew the rise of your fame was in part because of the amazing photos you took, but also the rare ones that no one else seem to have but you. The ones of Jungkook doing mundane things like cooking or lounging around in gray sweats with a controller in his hand. No one questioned you about it, they were just happy to be seeing rare photos of such a private man.

“Are you exploiting me again?” Jungkook asked, looking up from his phone to see you, once again, camera in hand. 

You giggled, lifting the camera eyehole up to your eyes, framing his tattooed hand and snapping a picture.

“I gotta give the fans what they want,” you reasoned. 

“I bet if you took a break, the fans will be fine.” He places his phone on the bedside table, getting up from the bed to tug the camera away from your hand and gently tosses it onto the bed behind him. He wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you into his chest. You let your self go, and Jungkook wasn’t prepared for the sudden weight so he falls back and takes you with him. You land his hard chest with an oomph.

“You’re not upset that your private space is exposed on the internet?” You ask him seriously for what was the nth ever since you’ve started. You listened to his heartbeat as your head laid on his chest and your fingers traced the tattoos on his arm. 

“What have I told you before, baby?” He replies, shifting the both of yours position so that now his back is against the bedpost and you’re straddled on his lap. 

“I know you’ve said you’re fine with it thousands of times. But I don’t want to cross any boundaries,” you pouted. Your hands make their way to the back of his head to tug on the little hairs at his neck. 

“And I’ll tell you again that it’s fine. You can post our sex tape and I wouldn’t care,” he grinned. 

You slapped his chest and giggled. “Your manager would banned me from seeing you.” 

“So? I’ll leave just to be with you. BigHit would fail without me.” 

“Don’t get too cocky. If the rest of the boys are carrying BTS now, they can carry BigHit.” 

“Who said they’re carrying BTS?” 

“I did.” 

“You got a mouth on you.” His thumb come up to your bottom lips, swiping it across, then leaving it in the middle.  

“You love my mouth.” You grinned, giving his thumb a little bit.  

“I do, baby.”