#brokenlove

“Come on, honey… wake up…” I can’t remember her ever speaking so gently. Is she just being caring? Is she worried? How much did I drink? Where am I anyway? “No… let me sleep…” My words drown in the pillow and I pull the blanket over my head. I need sleep, lots of it. A low chuckle fills the room and I flinch as the blanket is pulled away from me. A cool breeze spreads over my entire body. I’m shivering all over and realize with horror that I’m naked. Suddenly, I’m wide awake. Even though my head is killing me, I sit up straight away and immediately regret it. I feel like throwing up. Wrapping my arms around my chest and crossing my legs, I try to protect myself a little. At least I’m alone in here, except for Penny. Damn, a roller coaster is nothing compared to the dizziness that’s hitting me. I close my eyes and let my head drop towards my chest, hoping it will pass soon. “You had fun last night, huh? Man, I’d be happy if Merle left marks like that on me…” She looks down at my body with admiration. Without realizing what she’s saying, I reach for the blanket to cover myself again. I’m confused, very confused. I remember that Penny was really drunk last night, and now she’s sitting here as if she’s just had a spa treatment. Fresh and fit, unlike me.

“What happened?” My eyes widen because my voice sounds like I’ve smoked three packs of cigarettes, even though I don’t even smoke. Penny doesn’t answer me, but just points her index finger at me in one smooth movement. I hesitate because something makes me afraid. That can’t be. I don’t lose control like that.

“God, just look at that work of art. ” Once again, the blanket disappears, and for the first time, I feel a serious urge to beat her up. With tears in my eyes, I look down at myself. On my hips, breasts, and shoulders, I find clear traces of a very intense intimate activity. Fuck. Holy shit. I can’t remember, and that scares me. “Penny… did we do that? The two of us? … Or… who the hell?” Oh, and there she is again. My old friend, panic. More on time than the trains in Germany and more intense than ever before. I’ve never had marks like this when I’ve slept with someone. The thoughts that fill my head about what could have happened in this group of people are anything but calming. Fucking hell, I never drink that much. No matter how hard I try to remember anything, there’s just white noise in my head. “Oh… what? You and me? Don’t be ridiculous, honey… We didn’t have sex… I could never leave such a mess behind like he did.” Her laughter makes me aggressive. This is her fault. She wants to pull the covers off again, but this time I can stop her. My hand trembles as I finally manage to lift them up and look underneath. I don’t even need to see it. I can feel it. Warm, wet, and it’s been running out of me since the moment I sat up.

“You really have no idea what happened, do you?” Why the fuck is she so amused by this? She’s not aware of the seriousness of the situation. This is a disaster. I shake my head slowly. “You’ll never believe me… So listen…” She sits cross-legged in front of me, as if she wants to tell me a bedtime story. Her eyes are literally sparkling as she tells me that Daryl and I got along pretty well and talked a lot. I remember some of that too. “Spin the bottle…” I whisper and curse. I remember that part too, and that he kissed me. For a moment, I lose myself in that memory and am snapped out of it by her words.

“Well, you threw yourself at Daryl.” Did I? Really? I remember it otherwise. “… And less than five minutes later … you were fucking … with the door open, so everyone could hear. And girl, did he give it to you. I didn’t know you could let yourself go like that.” She likes that. That I’m a mess, that I’m a wreck, and that she can rub it in my face. “I can’t believe any of this…” I mumble, burying my face in my hands. “Merle and Daryl had to leave early to do a job, so we have the day to ourselves. What do you want to do?” “I don’t know…” Go home. I just want to go home, take a hot bath, and forget everything. I ignore the dizziness when I get up and grab the sheet to clean up at least some of the mess Daryl left behind. Penny watches me and, without another word, she gets out of bed and throws my clothes at me. Of course, they stink of smoke and are covered in alcohol and indefinable stains. I’ve never gotten dressed so quickly in my life. I have to get out of here. I zip up my pants, and Penny holds out her hand to me. “Come on, let’s go.” We reach the door of the room, and I have to suppress the urge to just run out. God, look at this—what is this place? Was it this bad last night? Except for the two of us, no one else is here. The couch is upside down, empty bottles are lying around everywhere, and the subtle smell of vomit creeps into my nose. I have to get out of here fast, or I’ll throw up in the middle of this mess.

When I went to the party yesterday, the way there seemed shorter somehow. But I think the hangover is to blame for that. Every single muscle aches as if I’ve had a bad case of the flu. Each step drains energy that I don’t have. I absolutely have to stop at the next store and get some caffeine into my system. “So now you have a boyfriend too. Isn’t that wonderful? My best friend and I now have two brothers.” Penny laughs and I stand frozen in place. Daryl. I hadn’t thought that far ahead when she told me that he and I had fun last night. Damn, this is going to be complicated. I don’t like this. The throbbing in my forehead is getting worse. My headache is killing me. “No, he’s not… my boyfriend… for fuck’s sake…” I grab my forehead, try to massage it, and regret it. A sharp pain shoots through my head like lightning, making me flinch. He’s not my boyfriend, period. I don’t even know him that well. Besides. “Fuck.” “What? Are you okay? Did you forget something in the apartment?” Penny’s eyebrows frown as tears fill my eyes. “No.” I can only whisper. I realize what the consequences of this escalation could be. All kinds of infections, pregnancy, lice. Yuck. I shudder again.

“Penny?” My voice trembles and Penny’s thoughtful gaze turns to one of concern as I start to sob. She comes over to me and I’m so grateful when she puts her arms around my shoulders.

“I have to… We have to… go shopping… you have to buy something for me…” Penny loosens her embrace and gently strokes my cheek with one hand. “Calm down. What do you want me to get you, hm?” Sometimes she’s like a big sister to me and I just want that hug from earlier back, please. “I need that pill you told me about… You have to help me… please, I can’t do this alone.” My words are drowned in tears. I know that Penny has much more self-confidence and, above all, more experience than I do. I feel so ashamed. Penny’s smile is warm as she takes my hand and wraps her fingers around mine.

“Oh… that… yes, no problem… come on.”

Penny knows exactly where to find the pills. She walks straight to the counter. I stand one shelf away. Why? A quiet voice whispers to me that I’m afraid of being seen with them. Why? Am I stupid? It’s the most normal thing in the world, isn’t it? But what if someone from the office is here in the store? Not only would they find my outfit questionable, but if they noticed what I was buying… Oh God, I can’t think about it anymore. It should be simple… Go in… Buy the pills… Leave. But the cashier, with her broken English, makes it difficult for Penny to just pay and leave. “Are you ovulating?” asks the old woman as she examines the package from all sides. Penny just sighs and shrugs her shoulders, while beads of sweat slowly form on my forehead. Why is she asking that? It’s none of her business. Oh, that rage again. I don’t recognize myself. “You need to know if you have,” she says again, putting the pill in a small bag. “I don’t know… It doesn’t matter, does it?” Penny asks, somewhat annoyed, and takes the exact change out of her back pocket. “If you’ve already ovulated… The pill won’t work… oh, and then…” explains the cashier as she takes Penny’s money. »Then you’d better get a pregnancy test in a week or two… we have early tests… they show right away whether you have a baby in your belly or not… you should take it… You know what? I’ll give it to you… it’s a gift from me… you poor woman,« she explains with the same fake smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and Penny forces herself to smile back. If she doesn’t shut up now, Penny is guaranteed to become rude, and then we’ll both be banned from the store.

When we finally left the store, Penny handed me the bag with the pills and the test inside. I took the bag with a quick movement and tried to hide it as best I could. The saleswoman’s words kept running through my head. “What… What if the pills don’t work, Penny? I can’t have a baby…” Why didn’t I just go home? “Take them now, that stupid woman has no idea. She doesn’t even speak our language. What if she actually meant something completely different? They always worked for me, I swear,” Penny explains, handing me the energy drink and aspirin she also bought. Or did she steal them? I’m honestly not sure. “Always?” I open the package, and contrary to my inner urge, I don’t read the package insert but just swallow the damn stuff.