#broken codes

“How dare you?!”

I heard that voice loud and clear snap me out of whatever I was on at the moment, because I don’t know what was happening to me, for some reason I felt like I was immersing myself into something that did not feel like real life at all.

I was completely out and now I am not, I have been pulled back to real life without a warning.

Maybe it was the hungover that was kicking in hard or the fact that I have had little sleep the night before, but I felt so disoriented, for a second I thought the moment I opened my eyes I would see the sight of the insides of my dorm, like usual, but it was completely different and I was completely confused.

I recognized that voice instantly, waking me up in the most abrupt way and alarming me more than any other thing, that could be the voice that I heard and the words it mouthed if things went wrong, but I didn’t think it would happen now, I was hoping it wasn’t something bad. I opened my eyes and find reality coming at me hard; I was not on my dorm, I was sleeping on a folding chair in front of the hotel’s pool; my roommate wasn’t here or my parents, it was Crystal looking down at me with what I presumed to be a frown, I couldn’t tell, her sunglasses are too big and the sun is shining so bright it physically hurts me to stare up at her, I could barely act like a human being at these moments and I was hoping a big old emotional trainwreck wasn’t coming at me at this time of the day and while I had one hell of a hangover.

That would be messy.

“What? What do I dare?” I said, in a completely rushed voice, making my very best to sound like a normal person and not like I was freaking out, even when I was.

“How.dare.you?” She said now, a lot more slowly, mysterious and very scary.

I slowly gazed at her as best as I can, as she walked around my seat and looked down straight at me. I try to read her face and know what was happening, but my mind was working so slow at the moment, it was like I had shut down and had a hard time restarting, I could hardly say how the hell I got here, because the truth was, I didn’t have any idea of what the world was around me.

“What?” I respond one more time, being more confused by the second.

She didn’t answer right away, instead, she groaned and threw her bags on the empty chair beside me, being completely dramatic in each one of her moves and completely stressing out my recovering mind. My head hurt so bad, I could barely stand all the loud noises and instende motions, it was like a sting on my brain.

If I could make the world shut up for just five minutes...

“Where’s your bikini? What’s this?!” She finally let out in a big exclaim, reaching out to stretch a bit on the fabric of my swimsuit and drop down on the chair “Since when you don't answer my texts?!” she continued, growing more upset and annoying each time.

God damn, I love her, but this is kinds of intensity are the ones I could barely stand on moments like this, it was so annoying.

“Oh, that” I frowned myself, suddenly feeling a small migraine growing in me “That’s a lot of questions”

She laughed a bitter smile as she glanced at me and said: “Yes, that” she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest “I thought we agreed that you would wear a bikini” she argued, really making me believe she was mad at it for real.

“I did not” I said, chuckling at that statement. I never said such a thing “I don’t do bikinis, therefore, I don’t own them” I poorly explain, letting my body fall back on that chair and trying to find a little peace in between the pain inside my mind.

“That’s a bunch of crap” she said, rolling her eyes as she watched each one of my movements “and since when do you not answer my calls?” she asked in a sassy tone, raising her eyebrow up high.

Intimidating, I felt intimidated.

“Were you calling me?” I asked, now really starting to feel bad. She must have thought I disappeared or something, I had no idea she was looking for me.

“Yes, I was!” She exclaimed “ I told you I had a swimsuit for you over a text and you never answered” she continued as some sort of reminder “Then I called you and - again- you never answered, what the hell?” Crystal said, pinching on my side and making me squirm.

I can’t. This is too much intensity, I physically can’t stand this, someone stop her.

I move back, trying to evict her touch “Oh shit, sorry” I said in all sincerity, looking back at my bags beside me, where I would most likely not find my phone, because, in all honesty, I had no idea where that could be. I hope it wasn’t lost.  “I haven’t checked my phone since yesterday” I admit, closing my eyes and trying to calm down the storm inside my head.

This is the kind of things that made me wish sometimes I wasn’t such an alcoholic. I feel like pure and raw trash.

Ever since I woke up I have been so distracted I could barely process what I have done in the past three hours, and if I was honest, I could probably not tell anyone how I got there in first place, after last night everything I did or said was out of my senses and now I was here, under an interrogation and possible bitch fit from my friend. How fitting.

How do I explain to Crystal I have been under a total disconnection over the past hours? Especially without getting her upset on the first try. I feel like that was such an impossible thing to do, so I don’t try to explain anything, I keep my mouth shut.

“Right” she said, rolling her eyes  “You had fun I see” she muttered, grabbing her bag and opening it up. She was getting comfortable “Where were you yesterday? I was looking for you and couldn’t find you” she started asking now further questions as she pulled out a towel and got rid of her dress to reveal a very beautiful and rather flattering two piece, she was perfectly modeling it and it almost made me feel a little insecure of what I had on.

She looks amazing, but who am I kidding? Crystal always pulled everything off, a swimsuit was no exception.

Again, my mind was so messed up I could not understand at first, I got distracted, but oddly enough it was the moment everything made complete sense. I recalled everything.

I went to the party last night, I left early, I didn’t make any friends, I got drunk, I met Ashton, I slept with Ashton… Correction, I slept with Michael’s best friend and he kicked me out in the morning. Now everything made more sense in my head, big things happened and I was completely wasted, now I am paying the consequences.  

After I left Ashton’s room everything seemed like just a blur even when I was feeling soberer by the time, I could remember clearly some bits and pieces of the hours after our little adultery roll. I woke up, he spoke a maximum of five words to me and his intentions were as clear as water on his behalf, I got back in my dress, that was one of the best sex I have ever had, it was almost like a drug, it had me going a big trip that was enough to carry me back to my room, put me on a swimsuit and made me lay on a chair just to fall asleep under the sun, that’s all I could remember.

It was insane, it felt so good, it sent my mind elsewhere and after what felt like hours I was finally snapping into pure reality. What a shame it meant nothing, a guy like him could never mean anything with someone like me.  

I look back at my friend, who stares at me expectantly waiting for an answer for me because apparently all I have done for the last two minutes it’s stare at nothing and think, I was acting slow and I didn’t like that.

What did she say, again? Oh right, where was I?

Damn, Why didn’t she slap me now? that would be enough of a wake-up call, I need it.

“Really?” It’s all I say, trying to act natural after taking forever and a day to answer.

“Yes, I wanted to dance with you” she answered, pouting a little bit to intensify her intentions.

I blink for a second. I had to admit I felt bad for leaving early and now that I know that she actually wanted to hangout with me, I feel worse, even when I was a total outcast at that place, I wouldn’t have minded dancing with Crystal, I would have loved to, not only because she’s my best friend but because I need it, it was fun and we haven’t had a moment like that in a minute. I feel bad for escaping from that.

“Oops“ I answer nervously as I bit my lip; trying to make it seem like no big deal, but inside I felt bad. “I don’t know, I was not feeling like staying and I just went out, nothing personal, it was just me” I explain looking over at her as I confess a total lie.

I felt fine, I was just jealous and feeling left out, I wanted to get wasted without feeling any kind of pressure and forget, forget about the one thing that has been bugging me since I got here. It was all me, but at the same time, I lied, I said it was nothing personal but it is very personal.

To my surprise, even when I was expecting her to come out with one of those sassy answers that always took all of the words out of me, this time it wasn’t like that, now she was changing her gaze and looking at me differently, she was smiling, she was smiling one of those big smiles that came with an intention, this time being more of a supposition that could possibly or possibly not jeopardize my position in this trip.

“Who did you leave with, huh?” she asked with a questioning look on her face and very intimidating in my opinion.

I blush, completely feeling taking by surprise by that question “No one” I say, turning my head and leaning back on my sit  “I just went to my room and slept, I was really tired” I confess in a monotone tone, but it was complete utter lie, I hope she buys it because the thought of telling the truth about my whereabouts last night made me nervous.

“Uh Huh” she chuckled, rolling her eyes as at the same time she pulled out of her bag some sunscreen and other things that I guessed helped her set the perfect scene for her to lay down and tan.

She has clearly waited for this moment ever since we got here.

“I’m serious” I said, shrugging and trying to make it a big deal, but she does it again, she just laughs that damn sarcastic laugh that makes me know, she isn’t buying any of it. She believes I went out with someone.

...and she isn’t wrong at all

“I don’t believe you” she claimed almost in a bragging tone “you look very good, not that you don’t already on the daily but...you’re glowing” she explained somehow looking like she was doing her best to explain it without making it seem a bit nonsense.

I blush more, I guess that’s what betrays me because she was paying close attention to each one of my movements at all times and once she sees my unconscious reaction, she is sitting up straight on her seat and leaning in to take a look at me with pure excitement.

“Tell me all of it” She demanded, already wanting to crack a smile at the suspect of my some sort of ‘success’ for the night.

“Nothing happened!” I lied, trying to cover up my big ass lie with an awkward chuckle “nothing happened at all, I just felt weird, I  went to my room and I...what's the name? Oh yeah, slept” I said almost forcing myself to be as natural and sarcastic as my regular self would be, but that was just impossible, I could only sit here and try my best to convince her into buying my lie, and I completely hated I was doing that to her, I am a bad person.  “Really, Crys, it wasn’t anything big” I assure her one more time, making my best to put some kind of a smile on my face.

As much as I would have liked that, at least for this time, Crystal was anything but an idiot or some naive kind of girl, she knew there was something left I was not telling her.

“Is that why you disappeared so early?” she asked, once again, raising her eyebrow “Tell me the truth, did you masturbate?” she asked in a lower tone, smiling a little bit and leaning in to squeeze on my side teasingly.

This was the most embarrassing assumption I have ever heard my best friend do to me, I was certainly very weird.

“Hey!” I laughed, scooting away from her touch as a reflection and staying focused on the situation, I couldn’t let anything slip, not now. “Okay, I feel very corrupted right now, leave me alone” I joked, pushing her hand away and looking away.

She laughed “You know you can talk with me about those things and if you did, that’s okay!” She added “We all do it at times, it’s natural, it’s good for your mind and health-”

“Please I’m begging you, stop” I said, not helping myself but blushing all over and having to cover my face with the palms of my hands in other to evict this in some sort of way.

But I could see she was joking the moment she just laughed at me and nudged my shoulder, officially just closing up the matter and letting me be. This was a good sign because this could only mean that for now I was safe from any kind of interrogation on this and I had a bit more time to think about something logical to cover up my mess. She could not find out about this, not now, maybe later, but not now.

When the tone passes down and my face is less red from the short momentum of embarrassment, she seems to know that maybe it was better to drop it, so she goes back to her business and I do too. She didn’t need to insist more on this, she knew I had enough, that I would speak more about it later…which I swear I won’t.

“I missed you last night” She mentioned, unpacking some stuff out of her back and going back to her previous business.

I pout “I told you, Crys, I just slept” I insist, just a little bit to make it clear.

You big ass liar, shut up already.

“I know” she says, finally dropping it once and for all, but this time picking another topic.

I see her and everything she does as she pulls open a bottle of tanning oil and covers herself up completely, just giving it some time for the topic to go away, and for a second I thought I succeed, until…

“I still can’t believe you’re wearing that thing” she scoffed, bringing one previous topic back to life and teasing me. She turned, looking over at me and my hideous swimsuit, which was fine by me, but apparently, this was something serious for her. “I mean, I have like the perfect bikinis for you, you have no clue” she insisted, shaking her head in emphasis.

That single phrase makes my jaw drop in an instance because I know what that means and I don’t know if I like it. She did it again...

“Stop getting me stuff!” I exclaim, trying to be annoying and instead annoying myself. Hilarious.

This was something she sometimes did and I liked but at the same time, I didn’t like, because just like she did with this vacation, she spent money on me without me knowing and planned to hand it out to me without expecting anything in return and that freaked me out. She was very sweet, but I had my own money and I would gladly spend it on my own if she wasn’t taking a step ahead of me all of the time… also if I wasn’t on a budget all of the time, but that’s far from the point.

Her getting me stuff just because made me feel weird, I wanted to do something in return and I always tried to but again… she was always a step ahead.

“I can’t help it, I just love you so much!” she cheers, going over to me and squeezing my sides one more time, totally tickling me in the process, it was so hilarious… note the sarcasm.

I laugh, moving away once again and shaking my head. It was almost funny how she really thought I would even wear one of those, she insisted on the same thing every year and every year I would try it on and ditch the idea immediately, it was almost a ritual and this year was no exception. There was a bunch of reasons for me not to do this and they all came down to the same thing, I don't want to do it.

“You wish” I roll my eyes, not caring about her tickling me again, this was a point I needed to state.

She narrows her eyes at me “I’m putting that bikini on you, you know?” she said, totally being too sure of herself as she slid down on her chair and got completely comfortable.

“I don’t think so” I sing, totally pulling strings that I knew annoyed her.

All for the sake of being playful, like usual.

“Don’t try me” she laughed “I already brought you here, just give me one more day and you’ll be rocking a beautiful, two piece..”

“I am not wearing a bikini” I stopped her before she could even keep going “They’re overrated anyway, I don’t see what’s the big deal about them” I shrug with a heavy eye roll.

She looks at me with this adoring look, touches the center of her chest and says “Oh my (Y/n), you got so much to learn” she said, shaking her head and leaning back on her seat.  “Put this on” Crystal spoke and it was an order. At first, I flinched, but then when I saw what was in her hand I relaxed.

It was some kind of baby pink bottle, different from what she just put on her body and she was handing it to me with decision. My first thought would have been that she totally bought it for me, but the left out spots product on the bottle tell me otherwise.

“What’s this?” I say, taking it from her hands with a bit of insecurity.

“Tanner, you’ll love it” she explains “it gives you color but not too much, it’s a dream, when you get home your mom will freak when she sees you bronced” she smiles, nodding it my direction as I inspect the color.

Finally, she can change the topic to something less uncomfortable.

“She saw me bronze once” I chuckle, opening up the cap and squeezing some in my hand.

When it came to beauty products, she knew a thing or two, so I trust her in this, if she said it was good it’s because she knew it was good.

“Babe, look at your skin, you’re almost impossible to bronce up, spray tans don’t count, okay?”  she said, with a bit of a bossy tone as I slid up the oil in my arms.

“Said who?” I scoff, looking over at her.

She shrugged “Everyone” she simply said, now closing her eyes and relaxing.

It smelled like baby perfume and for some reason I liked it, my arms looked the same but maybe they would take a bit of color with time. Maybe it would make me look more like someone who actually goes out in the sun on the daily, I am not going to lie, I wouldn’t mind that look. I guess she knows what she’s doing.

For the first time in this entire trip, Crystal and I finally have a moment for just us, a moment where we can just sit back and catch up on the good, the bad and the ugly. The moment we’ve been waiting for a long time and that wasn’t over a phone call when we could finally see each other face to face and just talk, like normal people, just talk. I loved this kind of moments, this was the kind of moments that made me appreciate the little things in our friendship; we just sit there and talk about everything happening in our lives, the important stuff and the irrelevant, it doesn’t matter, we just catch up, it’s a moment that feels needed and makes my morning go a lot smoother, it almost seems soothing and I appreciated that more than ever.

I feel like I could talk to her for hours, that’s the feeling I love to have when I am with her, and we talk and keep talking for as much as we can, we needed this more than ever, it was the kind of intimate moments we lived for.

“Hello ladies!” Another voice calls right behind us while she is in the middle of one of her famous rants about food. We both turn towards the sound and she smiles at the simple sight of the person before her eyes “Hello, pretty lady” He says again as he gets closer and joins us.

My body throws a shiver at me because just the sight of his smile makes me act dumb, it was like some kind of spell thrown at me. Michael was here, in all his glory, smiling down at us and looking as happy as always and just excited to be alive.

He is so cute.

“Hello handsome” she smiles, leaning forward and with incredible skill reaches his lips to kiss them shortly.

I look away, I can’t look.

I hear them kiss and smooch for some solid ten seconds, but right after that, I hear a slap and then a whine, which makes me turn immediately in their direction. What the hell was that?. Next thing I see is Michael rubbing his forearm a little bit and then sitting right next to her on that chair. She didn’t slap him that hard, she would never, I could see he was just being dramatic, that’s all.

“Where were you? Did you not get my texts?” She asks, trying to sound mad but coming out more as annoying “Is it ignoring Crystal day? I didn’t know” she chuckles sarcastically, shifting her look between me and Michael.

Surprisingly he doesn’t take it personally. He just laughs.

“I mean, it was supposed to be a surprise but…” he shrugs, leaning in to kiss her cheek but she pushes him away at his bad joke.

I had to laugh. It was kind of funny.

“Surprise” I cheer up in a mumble, making it more dramatic by showing some jazz hands “We were supposed to wait until the end of the day but you caught us”

“Oops” he adds, shrugging a bit as he turned in my direction and made a funny face.

I can’t deny, for as much as a bad joke this is, it gets me giggling too easily. I can recognize that the joke itself was not funny at all, but there was something in this situation that made some tiny spark of joy go off in me, maybe it could be my still slight drunken state or the fact Michael turned towards me and made the most adorable mocking face I have ever seen, probably it was a vivid combination of both and I couldn’t deny, I was enjoying it lots.

He looked at me, he noticed me, he laughed with me. He is just so adorable.

“You guys are so funny, it’s hilarious, really” Crystal said sarcastically in an attempt to speak seriously. She gripped on Michael’s arm softly and squeezed getting his attention immediately “So where were you?” she asked, trying to get actual information down.

“Oh just with the guys, in the kitchens” He explains, leaning back a little on his forearms and making himself comfortable.

She looked at him with one confused look and then turned to me, apparently just to see if I was thinking the same thing. I didn’t know. Sure, he was in the kitchens, but what was so weird about that? Maybe he was just hungry and thought… I have no clue.

“Why?” She asked, her head leaning to the side.

He chuckled, leaned over and squeezed her thigh “Stuff” he mumbled, apparently trying to be mysterious, but Crystal look clearly told him she was not up for mind games right now. So he went on “Preparing the feast for someone’s birthday, we were asking if they could make a cake for us” he revealed, now mumbling, squeezing her thigh one more time in a comforting move.

Well, apparently there is something to celebrate now… I will be celebrating a total stranger, nice.

“Oh, that’s nice” She said with certain joy in her voice “Who’s birthday?” she asked.

“Ashton’s” he said, looking at both of us quickly to then mumble “Don’t tell him, it’s a surprise, okay?” he tells us, now in a very serious tone, he was not playing around.

In my head, this was both interesting and not important, but since my last encounter with Ashton (and possibly my only one) I could conclude he might be in need of a little love, so it was really nice of his friends to be organizing something for him, I didn’t know him, but it looked like he could use one of good cheer up.

“ ’my god, I totally forgot about his birthday” She gasped, her hand flying to her cheek in surprise “What are we doing? What are you planning?” she asked with excitement on her voice.

A heavy sigh came out of Michael’s lips “We don’t know yet but we thought it would be cool to have a cake for him, we’re renting the launch but we want to see if there’s a better option” he explained a little bit, making his best to not be too loud for anyone to eavesdrop “We’ll see, I doubt he wants a birthday party, but if it cheers him up...” he shrugged, leaving out a clear unspoken message for us to interpret.

I get it, we all get it.

Crystal smiles sweetly. “That is so sweet, I'm sure he’ll love it” she smiled raising her hand a little bit and stroking his cheek in comfort.

Something in Michael’s face didn’t seem too convincing, almost like he had little hope on whatever they were doing for their friend, but he just shrugged, leaned to the side and kissed her cheek, almost in an attempt to smoothly change the topic and move on to something else.

“Yeah, let’s hope so, you know he’s a bit… moody” He mumbles, grabbing her hand softly “Want a drink?” he offered, looking at her with the sweetest look.

“Sure” She smiled, to then turn to me “(Y/n), you want one?” She offered to me, and I knew she just did that to not make me feel like the third wheel or left out.

“I’m okay” I mumbled. If I was honest, the single thought of having a drink right now made my stomach turn, I’ve had enough alcohol.

They both nodded at the same time, then turning to look at each other with the same fucking look, one that was meant to not only flirt with the other but also to transmit unspoken feelings, be playful to one another. It was just so… ugh.

“You know what?” Michael says, energetically getting up from his place and taking both of his girlfriend’s hands in the process “Let’s go swimming” he offered, pulling on his hold and dragging her with him without asking at all.

She giggles, letting him do whatever he wants and just like that allowing him to drag her around like she had no will at all before I could even tell she already had her shoes off and they were making their way to the entrance of the poll in front of us. Leaving me, once again, alone like it was expected since I got here.

Although I was already expecting to be left alone, like usual, she still turns on my direction for a quick second, her feet already dipping over the clear water of the pool as she made her way down, following him.

“Come with us” she said, extending her hand for me to take. As if I would move anywhere else.

I wave her gesture off, it’s rude, but I do it. I don’t feel ready for the pool just yet. “Later, I’ll just… bronce over here” I mumble, laying my head back on the plastic chair and adjusting just a bit the shades on my eyes.

Her chin raised up and she smiled “I like that, I’ll allow it” She nodded walking forward until the water was up to her hips “See you later, Alligator” she said in a funny tone.

I chuckled “Later” I waved, to then watch her walk away and for the second time today being left completely alone, by myself, just… alone.

Amazing.

I don't take it as a bad thing this time, being alone; in fact, I think I kinda need it whether I want it or not, because on this state I don’t think I should be in presence with another human being, one that asks questions and talks a lot, only to continue feeding my migraine and small growing pains caused by this hangover, that didn’t feel important but if I made the wrong moves, they will. I just needed a second for myself to… sleep or something.

Unfortunately, that isn’t quite the option, nothing I expect to happen ever comes true, that’s the story of my life. I wished to nap under the sun, that was the initial plan, but the second I intend to do just that, life decides to play one on me and I end up doing the exact opposite. I stay wide away for what seems like hours. I spend the next hour of my life just laying there, eyes wide open and just staring, staring like a creep, I am a creep; because not only I was awake and just looking at nothing, my least favorite love birds stayed just in my peripheral vision, not moving out of there at any second and just doing everything. It was like the universe was laughing at me in my face.

Kisses, hugs, touching, squeezing, Loving… I was sick of all that, it made me nauseous.

In conclusion, at some point on this trip, I have now become the grinch of love, because I could not stand so much PDA from the one couple I wished I could just.:. I can’t even think about it.

I wish I was different, I really was, because I should not be feeling this way but still, the feeling of anger keeps just growing in me every time I see them and think about my situation. Shit was bottling up and it was not okay. It’s insane how much I love my best friend and I will never stop loving her, but every time she kisses him or even does as much as touching his hair, that makes something boil inside of me, a sense of jealousy and rage I wish I could wipe out of me but I can’t. I will never be able to stop feeling like this.

At some point through my own pity party, I decided I had enough and one way or another, without knowing how it happened or when it happened, I end up in just the place where I could be alone without much people judging me. The bar, specifically the bar in the middle of the pool, where I could stay around our group of people but not close enough to actually socialize, if I came to terms, it was the best option I had and I was not mad at it at all.

I have one task today, get drunk. That is my final decision.

I don’t care I just came out of hangover and I certainly don’t care about how bad this was for my health, I just felt like I could not possibly go through this day sober, so I won’t, I just need something in my system to get through this day without losing it.

That is how I end up in the bar, with the biggest pina colada I have ever seen and drowning my misery in alcohol. Because I am a total champion.

Slowly but surely, I sip on my drink each time I can, but not fast enough to get as drunk so quickly but just enough to make me slightly numb for the morning. I don’t have my phone, so I have nothing to look at, it would be dumb to have my phone near the pool anyways, so I have to conform myself with watching what other people do from my lonely place in that bar. All I could see was our group, the one who had planned this whole trip, hanging in the middle of the place, Broken in different little groups and just hanging out, relaxing, enjoying this second day at its best. Unlike me, what a loser.

Everyone out there seems to me around the same speed, they’re either hanging out with their loved ones, or talking to friends, or both, but none of them seemed to or cared about being alone, they were all unified and just so happy, like true friends. If I really think about it, they are without a doubt a beautiful group of friends, I feel kind of jealous, I could join them, but I don’t see where I would fit, I was just fine where I was.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, which is weird, I wasn’t waiting for anyone or expected a single soul to talk to me; the only two people (maybe three) that I suspected might be interested in starting up a conversation with me seemed to be having a great time over the pool, so you could say I was pretty surprised when I found out who was trying to catch my attention.

She was short, very short, her skin tanned and she some hair that was long and reached to her hip, she had a very bright smile that I some point I could find contagious if I kept looking at it. I knew this girl, I know that because I’ve seen her around, I’ve been introduced to her but I couldn’t place my finger on what her name was. However, it was not like I could really think about that, I was more distracted by the fact of how she wanted to talk to me, because that was weird enough, at least for me.

“Hello” She said, taking the liberty to take the sit beside me once she got my attention.

I tried not to show up my weird so much, I’ve been the weird one for too long.

“Hey” I said, my words dragging a little bit as I turned my sit just a bit too look at her a bit better  “Um.. sorry I’m bad with names” I apologized shaking my head at the small slip.

She laughed, apparently, she wasn’t bothered by my lack of memory, It happened to everyone sometimes and right now, it was no exception, I have met so many people in the last two days, it was hard to remember anything.

“That’s okay, I’m Sierra” She introduced herself, extending her hand for me to take it.

Now that rings a bell, it rings an important bell. Now I remembered how we were introduced.

“Right! I’m (Y/n)” I exclaimed, shaking her hand  “You’re Luke’s girlfriend” I say, being the first thing that came to my mind since it was the only thing I knew at all.

She smiled “I am” she spoke in confirmation “You’re Crystal’s friend” she said after me, now making her own assumption.

I smiled too “That I am” I confirm too, letting go of her hand and straightening my back just a little, now is my turn to act like a normal person. “What's up?” I ask, being the only thing that I make sense to ask at the moment.

I didn’t know that girl, I didn’t know what to talk about, I had to say something.

“Not much, I’m just picking up a couple drinks” she said, leaning over the counter and waving a hand at the bartender “what about you?” she asked, smiling over to me “Why are you not over there with everyone?” she wondered, leaning her head over her hand curiously.

That was just the question I didn’t want to hear. How nice.

I shrugged “I don’t know” I say in a mumble “I figured It’d be a lot better if a stayed here, not make anything weird for anybody” I spoke awkwardly, but completely being honestly.

To this, she gives me weird looks and says “Weird? But you look so nice, I’m sure they all want to know you better” she stated, even though she didn’t know that.

“Thanks” I say. My cheeks blushing for some reason, it was embarrassing “I’m just shy, I guess” I confess with a shrug.

Out of her lips comes out one smooth chuckle “Aren’t we all?” she asked, shrugging a little.

Well, she is pretty nice, I think I like her. I don’t feel as awkward anymore.

Once I think she’s about to say something she interrupts me the second I open my mouth when the bartender shows up, she already knows what she wants and orders two drinks, clearly with intentions of going back with the group, not to stay here. Oh well, not that I expected her too, why would she waste her time with me? I was just a whole of a show of loneliness, like usual.

The bartender leaves to get her order and none of us dares to say anything else. Some deep silence sinks between us and oddly enough, this seems more normal to me than an actual conversation. I’ve never been the most talkative human being, I was always the shy one of the bunch and for me to loosen up would usually take a bit of time and confidence. But I switch it up, sometimes when I’m feeling motivated I start conversations, but most of the times this silence happens and can be very uncomfortable.

However, this is one of those times, I feel like speaking with girls might be more difficult to me, maybe because they tend to be judgier if things go the wrong way, and that was scary.  

We aren’t talking, but she’s looking at me a lot and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t creeping me out, because she was staring at me shamelessly and with a lot of attention. Up and down like no big deal, it was weird and I was not understanding the reason why would she possibly be staring if she has-

“You are pretty” she compliments with a smile, cutting up my internal rant out of the blue.

Ha, now if that wasn’t awkward for me...

“Thanks, I guess” I mumble shyly, looking at the side and sipping on my drink. I needed more alcohol in my system.

She laughs at my reaction, apparently finding funny that I was being so awkward for a small comment and it looks like she’s got things to say, but just before carrying on with anything, something in her chances and her mood is different. Without me noticing she is leaning forward, sitting a lot closer and just on top of that… she’s mumbling.

“Apologies in advance, but I have to ask” she says first with a pinch of hesitation “you slept with Ashton, right?” She says, dropping the bomb just like that and making me choke.

I literally choked, because apparently, I’m stupid enough to not realize I’ve been drinking out of this time and these questions caught me with my guard off. It takes a bit of coughing and a lot of blinking to actually understand what she just asked, but even when I heard perfectly, I was still unsure.

“Pardon?” I ask in confirmation and my mind goes blank “Uh...”

“Don’t bother in saying no, I saw you two going at it last night, I’m just confirming it” she speaks clearly, not taking off that fucking smile that was making me nervous.

How can she even say that so easily? Should I confirm? Deny? She said she saw us, but we were alone, I remember, all the way to his room there was not a single soul around those places. How did she see us?

“What?” I say, still pretty confused “How?” I ask, being the only real question I can ask because of it all so… fucking insane.

“The room is next to ours?” she said awkwardly, looking to the side. I felt like choking again. “Listen, I won’t tell, nobody told me about this, it was just me who saw it... I think” she chuckles, still smiling at me while I panicked. I couldn’t even speak, it felt like every answer I could give would be wrong but I had to say something. It was confusing. “so?”

I take a deep breath, whatever I said could be used against me, but I didn’t care.

“Well, Uh, I don’t know” I hesitated as I speak “I don’t want to step into dangers zones here, Okay? I come in peace” I make clear, raising both hands in emphasis.

What if she snitched and told his ex or something? Oh no, I didn’t want that kind of problem (or any problem) on me right now, I have enough.

“Trust me, you aren’t, don’t worry” she waves off immediately, moving both of my hands down  “I’m sorry for being such a snoop and I shouldn’t be but believe me, this is big” she said with excitement and let out what seemed to be a laugh of joy.

I don’t think it was even possible for me to even smile. I was supposed to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t lie either, she saw us.

“I did sleep with Ashton” I admitted in a mumble “but it was nothing, okay? It was just some kind of release, I guess, he was stressed, I felt lonely, we were very drunk-“ I start and I have no intention to stop explaining myself.

By this point in this conversation, I realized, I’m rambling. It was like I had to lay everything on the table before she came to a final conclusion, this had my heart rushing and I was pretty much sweating a little bit. Why am I rushing so much?.

“I get it” She stopped me, making me stop my words and leaving a place for me to breathe   “Ashton’s been my friend for a long time and I know he doesn’t usually sleep around, so I can tell you, this is kind of big” she assures me, reaching out to lay her hand on my shoulder “I feel like it’s my duty to tell you that if you sleep with him, if it meant something or not, it’s a big step for him, we’ve all been worried about his health ever since Holly left him” she mentioned, now mumbling a lot quieter and completely serious.

I understood that. Last night when mentioning his ex-girlfriend he seemed to be a little off, and from what I’ve heard, it hasn’t been long since they split. I guess a comment like this coming from a close friend of his was a big deal.

“Right” I nod, reaching for my drink and trying to slow down “What happened with that?” I asked, sipping on the poisoned juice.

I know I was sounding like a snoop, but for some reason, I really wanted to know, there was a reason on why everyone made such a big deal about it, I just needed to know the basics.

“We don’t know, she just left” She said with a shrug “it’s not like we talk about it, we know he’s been touched, I mean, they dated for years and she just vanished” she went on, a sad tone marked on her voice “I’m just happy he’s moving on or at least have a start on it, and whatever this means for you two, just know that he’s a great guy, even when he’s grumpy 70% of the time now”  She lets me know, trying to show a smile and squeezing on my shoulder.

“Okay” I mumble, dragging my words a little. It was not my intention to sound dumb, for me it was just weird to be hearing this.

I can’t believe someone saw us hooking up.

I am just left speechless, but it seemed like it doesn’t matter if I need to say something or not because apparently she just wants to move on from the topic. After her last words, she just sits up straight and smiles, trying to act more natural and I got that, she didn’t want questions asked from anyone.

“What do you think of him?” She asked me, with certain excitement in her voice.

I blushed. This question was difficult because I didn’t really know him, I just slept with him, there wasn’t much to say.

“He’s nice… grumpy, I guess” I said softly, sipping on my drink as a distraction.

She laughed “I mean...” she let out, shrugging “He is but I promise, he’s a good soul” she says with a confident tone “I don’t blame you if you crush on him, I did too, we all did at some point” she said, rolling her eyes and almost laughing at the situation.

Now that was an interesting fact, apparently, Ashton is one lady magnet. Very appealing.

“thanks for the advice, I think” I nodded, already wanting to be done with this conversation, it was so awkward.

“You’re welcome” she nodded at me proudly. Two pina coladas are slid our way and the bartender winks at her, I guess that means her order is ready, and also, it feels like the man is flirting with her, which in my book seems rude as hell.

On the bright side, thanks gosh her drinks came over because I was sick to be answering questions on this state and about this.

“Thanks!” she smiled at the man to then grab both drinks and step into the pool again. “Oh, by the way, I didn’t see you guys doing it last night” she said, winking at me and walking backward. My eyes widen.

What the hell was that all about?

“You should see yourself or him, you two are covered in hickeys” she giggled, looking down at her cleavage, almost signaling me to do the same, so I do.

“Oh damn” I let out when I first see it, a big purple mark on my chest. I keep looking and once I see what all she’s talking about, that is where I really worry “damn” I say, my breathing increasing once I stare at the work of art happening around my shoulders and neck, it was just a whole lot of a mess.

I look like someone tried to attack me. They extended all over, like paint splattered on my whole body, how the hell do I not notice that.

“You are really nice though,” she said, walking away from the situation just like that “See you around!” she said and before I could even answer, her boyfriend is already on the way and summoning her back in the group.

I can’t even say anything. I am so stupid.

The whole time while she leaves I just stand there like a complete idiot because I can’t do much other than that, I can only stand in there and inspect how bad the situation actually was, because otherwise, people would see and that’s the last thing I want right now.

She was right, I was covered in hickeys: they were all over my neck, shoulders, and cleavage, extending all way down and going god knows where, because my swimsuit covered it well but still, it was showing a lot and I was feeling embarrassed, Really embarrassed.

Crystal was right, maybe I wasn’t glowing, but I was sure looking like someone who had sex and it was only on me to keep what was left out of the secret, still a secret, because otherwise I would be screwed, my reputation would be screwed, my vacation would be screwed, everything would be ruined.

After she left, I don’t think I have ever finished a drink as fast as I did that time, and that was a risky move, because doing that could make me go drunk twice as fast even when I didn’t expect to be drunk so early in the morning, I drank all that cocktail in record time. I had to go somewhere else now.

I pay the bartender, step out of my sit and walk as fast as the water on my feet lets me, making my way to my spot around the pool, I wanted to pick my things and go before someone else saw me, I’ve hardly talked to anyone so far, but if I did and they talked to Ashton before, they are going to notice, I was supposed to be discreet and now that I’ve fucked up a little, I had to evict someone noticing for a second time.

I guess Crystal hasn’t even noticed where I was at, because once I reach the place where my stuff was, I catch a glimpse of her and she seems too busy to care, perfect timing for me to walk out, I would explain later but for now there was not much time.

I try my best to gather everything around and stuff it in my bag well enough so I could carry it around all the way to my room, even when I was hungover and barely a person when I took all of this things and brought them here, it was still quite a lot and I didn’t understand how I even managed to carry this here, but I would figure later, sometimes I would do some weird shit when being numb. I hang my bag on my shoulder, instantly feeling the weight of the bag making me lean on my side and loose balance, I was so weak, but I don’t mind it, I just try to look normal and walk out without anyone noticing, that was my main mission.

But because it is me who we are talking about, things can’t turn out just like I plan to, because that would be too much of a casualty. The moment I go to walk out I feel like if I just crashed into a wall of flesh I was not expecting to see in my way, I fall back on my seat, completely disoriented and trying to position myself in space and time.

I look up, trying to see what the hell was that pushed me back on my seat and interrupted my great escape. It was hard to see at first, but once the sun was a bit less shiny and my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw that slight hints of golden hairs shining under the sun and pair of big hazel eyes glancing down in my direction, Ashton was looking for me and he was not looking very happy. I wasn’t expecting to see him again for the rest of the trip and here he was, looking like him and I had something to talk about.

“Oh hey!” I said, trying to sound more excited and a lot more normal, not like if I was more nervous than ever and he was one of the reasons why I was acting like that.

He nodded once in my direction. “Can we talk?” he asked in one serious tone.

I shiver just at the tone of his voice, this seemed serious and I was not in the mood for this.

I gulp “Okay” I mumble, getting up from my sit slowly “what's-?”

“I need to make something clear” he speaks first, being clear on what he said and instantly letting me know he was not happy. “I want you to forget completely about whatever happened last night, it was a mistake and it’s not going to happen twice” he demands, crossing his arms over his chest and looking down at me.

His words left me speechless. Not only they were highly demanding but they were intimidating and rude. I wish I had something to fight back, but I couldn’t, my mind was blank.

“What?” it’s all that leaves my mouth, not knowing what to do or say at that exact moment.

“You heard me” he said, letting out one bitter laugh before continuing “Listen, I know for you this might be a big deal and I am sure you had a blast telling your friends, but please quit on your party, We did it once and that was enough” he says harshly, making those shivers run down my back once again and making me nervous.

I frown “I didn’t tell anyone”

I was being honest, I told no one about this. Apparently, he thinks other things.

“Oh really?” he laughs again, shaking his head in disbelief  “Four people have already teased me today, four, don’t bullshit me I know you told people” he explained, now genuinely sounding mad.

“I didn’t!” I exclaimed, frowning even more “Why would I? We were drunk and it happened, I left in the morning, I got the queue, I didn’t tell anyone” I assure him for the second time, I just hoped he listened to me.

“Not according to what I’ve heard” he said, letting out one big sigh and shaking his head “You really couldn’t just…” he seemed cut off, struggling to find the right words at first “Shut your mouth”

This whole situation was starting to make me dizzy. I knew what you want to fat and I get it but I was being completely honest when I told him that I did not tell a single soul about our affair.  His attitude was overwhelming, and to my luck, I have never been the kind of person who can confront other people without getting you all fucked up.

I knew I was a moody person, and from what I’ve heard from very much everyone he had not the best attitude of the bunch; He could be either very nice and funny or very mean and grumpy, I think I have seen both of his faces by now, but I didn’t know how to face something like this.

His change on his attitude had me off guard and I didn’t know how to handle it, I didn’t even know why he was so overly rude to me, I meant no harm for anyone and yet here he was, treating me like a threat and speaking to me like if I was… a snitch.

“Why are you being so rude?” I asked, still being a bit confused about how to handle this.

“I’m not being rude, I’m telling the truth” he spoke very lightly, but still being rude “One night stands matter to no one, please don’t make a big deal out of it, everyone’s looking at me weird already” he explained, looking back at his crew of friends in the back, almost making sure no one saw us speaking to each other.

“I think I perfectly know what a one night stand means, I’m not an idiot, I didn’t say anything” I say getting on his level and trying to be just as intimidating “What? You want me to say sorry?” I sarcastically laughed “I did nothing wrong, I didn’t even tell my best friend! and she tells me everything!”

that was a true fact, the fact I couldn’t tell Crystal was killing me on the inside, because she would always come to me and tell me everything about her life and knowing I couldn’t return the favor to her made me feel like the worst friend ever, among other things.

“Yeah, right” he laughed as well “Just stay away from me, please, it was a mistake, I can assure you it won’t happen again” he said, showing me his palm, making me take a step back as an instinct.

No this was really offensive, it took two people to make last night's mistake and now he was through me like I was the only responsible for it,  But not only that, he was treating me like if I was a stone on his way and a threat to him, even when I’ve told him various times now that I didn’t tell anyone about last night, this was insulting.

“Don’t look at me like that” he said, In a tired tone, apparently noticing my growing angry face “look at me and look at you, we’re different people, I’m not interested, I’m not” he shrugged like no big deal  “Forget about whatever you thought we have, we have nothing, I have enough friends, I have a line of girls who would kill for being with me but I just don’t give a shit right now, so please, let’s be adults and act like nothing happened, I don’t need another girl bragging about fucking me, not again” He said harshly, making himself clear “Just stay away”

I almost want to break into laughing, just because if I really gave it a thought, it was hilarious.

All of your life you grow up on that myth of how relevant people and rockstars can usually be complete trash in front of regular people, how their egos grow and they feel like they can’t compare to others, how they hate to have dumb rumours make a fool harm their image, even if they weren’t true. It was just so funny to see in real life how it wasn’t a myth, I was seeing it in first line.

I was not one of this threads, but still, for him I was being not only a bother but a stone on his way. I did not want to deal with him.

“Okay, Fine, asshole” I said simply, grabbing my things and determined to walk away, I’ve had enough of him for the day.

I wish he would just let go and let me be, because once I go to walk away he grabs on my arm tightly and he squeezes, squeezes more, almost looking like he was afraid I would walk away if he let go of me, like I would go and tell everyone about our secret if he let me go.

“What’s with the names now?” He said in a groan, sounding mad. I didn’t answer, I just stood there and tried to let go, but he wasn’t letting me, he was too strong for me. “Hey, I’m talking to you”

The situation was getting so intense it was hard to keep on, I just wanted to leave.

“Don’t touch me!” I exclaim, pushing him away hard enough for making him take a step back and also doing that myself “I’m doing just what you told me, fuck off” I said, my breath feeling heavy as seconds passed.

“Sure, Listen, I might be an asshole but I am warning you now, you better not go around telling people about this shit” he said harshly, trying to take another step towards me, but I move back even more.

“Don’t fucking touch me” I say, pointing at him, trying to sound like I could be a threat.

I didn’t realize I was being loud, or that anyone was looking at us by the time the situation got this intense, but the second I heard a whistle towards us and made us tum on the direction of that sound, it was a clear sign that I should walk off because now everyone just knew we were arguing.

There were a million eyes on us, or that’s how it felt for me. My knees felt weak and I started shaking the second I saw my friends blue eyes look at the situation, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Ashton!” Crystal yelled towards us with the biggest frown “What the hell?”

My cheeks were burning and my body froze, I felt nauseous and wanted to leave. From all sudden, this day has turned into the worst ever.

None of us say a single thing, I just grab my things press them tightly to my body and turning to him, just looking forward to making my way to my room and not know where anything about the world because this was too much for me and I couldn’t handle it now.

I don’t want anyone fighting this fight for me, I don’t want anyone to know what went over me last night when we did it, I just want to sleep, that’s all. The situation itself was being too heavy on me, I couldn’t handle it.

“I can promise you I haven’t told anyone” I mumble, being careful to not be heard by anyone else “Look at yourself, you bastard” I say to him, looking at his uncovered chest and then back to his face, which made my stomach turn just by looking at it.

Just like me, he was covered in lovebites and it took two to get the job done, he should know this was not only my mistake, it was his too, and the fact people connected the dots doesn’t mean I snitched on him. He is an idiot for assuming I did that.

With that, I just grabbed my things and walk out, I didn’t want to face or talk to anyone else, I just go elsewhere and hope to disappear. Things are too fucked up in my life and they keep getting bigger, the last thing I needed was an asshole to make me feel worse and unfortunately, I found him, he did his job to perfection, he took the time to make me feel like shit and ruin my day. How nice.

On the bright side, I hope this would teach me a couple of lessons in the future, but for now, there was only one thing I knew, Ashton Irwin is despicable and I can clearly see why he is alone.

I knew this was mean to say and I knew things like this could get back to me, but I say this without anything weighting in my soul, I hope he stays alone for a long time, a mean being like him could bring nothing good, and just like he hurt me being a complete stranger, he could do that to anyone, and no one deserves that kind of pain and humiliation.