#britishassistant

It is a radioactive cactus, perhaps engineered by some very mysterious relative of yours prior to their untimely death in an absolutely wild coincidence.

You now have all the abilities of a cactus. You are very water efficient and can stab people who come too close with just your skin!

Hi you will never understand the way my brain kinda blanked when you sent me this because it is proof that some mutuals of mine are indeed witnessing my descent into madness in real time

Anyway I personally like imagining both Skully and the Prefect as an overly-affectionate pair who engage in physical contact on the regular because everyone else in their friend group is either too embarrassed or too emotionally constipated to hug the pals or kiss the homies.

But I also see the appeal of your proposal.

I think it starts as a kind of tolerating because assuming the memories of NBC came back, the Prefect goes "oh yeah i was napping on the guy" so it's just sure, let's be even, I won't die from some smooches or from a hug.

Grim be looking at them like "Ha! Karma" because the poor creature be subject to the snuggling and or the loving bothering by the Prefect until Skully starts showering Grim with affection also at which point Grim goes into "Noooooooo!!! There's two of them!" (Maybe 3 depending on Idia friendship with Prefect and his Grim access lol).

It's really too much trouble to complain every time Skully decides that he is too full of affections and cuteness aggression to not suddenly kiss the Prefect's head or give em a hug. They might as well walk around with linked arms so Skully doesn't do the alternative of sticking to their side with bumping arms and potentially tripping them both. Holding hands also stops him from getting too caught up in whatever he's yammering about and accidentally walking ahead only to realize he's left them behind, because then he'll walk backwards to try to keep pace with the Prefect before he accidentally goes ahead again. Fucking tall people.

Since Ramshackle's far from the main building and we're running with the idea that Skully is alive don't ask how this is brainrot copium denial talking, I can see the Prefect and Skully taking turns cooking. I'd hope NRC has like a rest day for its students. If it's the Prefect's turn to cook, they are too focused on the finicky stove to care if Skully decides a morning kiss is in order while they try not to burn anything. When they're sleeping in should breakfast for the day be Skully's job, if a kiss on their head wakes them up as he tells his housemate /dormmate that food's ready, they'd rather turn over and keep napping than complain, at least until Grim paws at them to be carried down for breakfast like a sleepy passenger princess. Idk why these are getting domestic I need to be taken out back and shot I think.

Anyway Yuu passes out on the couch in Ramshackle's living room sometimes and it is admittedly a very nice place to read and study so if they pass out alone on it and wake up to find that their head's on Skully's lap as he pets their hair and reads a book, they could complain about the other places to sit in the building but it's easier to just shut their eyes again and sleep some more. They've passed out leaning on their arms over the center table in front of the couch and got themself a sore neck before. Just letting Skully use them as some kind of armrest as he reads is less bothersome for him too than if he carried them up to their room like he does some other times.

This is such an awesome question; just reading it made me giggle.

I wasn't sure if you were going for a bloopers reel that's just in-universe disasters with the characters or what a bloopers reel would look like if these were stories filmed by the Hannibal actors, so I ended up going with the latter.

The Lindworm's Lullaby blooper reel is 100% filled with Lenore's baby actresses interrupting all the adults right as they're getting into the most pretentious part of their speech. You try discussing the philosophical intersection of the grisly aspects of flaying with the divine when there's a baby singing ba ba ba~! with increasing loudness in the same room.

The actress playing Will in Poems drops her cheese in her drink and then falls off her stool. She's okay! Mischa's actress absolutely cannot say entomophagical, five takes in a row.

I finally got around to redesigning supervillain au Vil's outfit ha! I wanted to combine elements of his dorm uniform with the overblot form and I think I'm more or less satisfied with this as a rough pass for now!

Poison Queen wears 13 cm heels to be taller than when in civilian form- the full head covering is also meant to disguise himself better and also to be closer to the style of the Beautiful Queen!

Fic can be read HERE.

Crossover (The Magnus Archives). Ongoing. Not Rated. Word Count: 10514

Pairings: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims

Trigger Warnings: Bugs, Child Endangerment

“ARATAKA REIGEN: “Powers are just another characteristic. People who can run fast and people who have strong body odor are all in the same boat as you. It’s just another characteristic. What TRULY matters is that you make sure to live well despite them.”

THE ARCHIVIST: [Sputtering] “Wh-You are NOT reducing my—my EATING PEOPLE to the level of-of, of chronic FLATULENCE!”

I posted 489 times in 2021

449 posts created (92%)

40 posts reblogged (8%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.1 posts.

I added 2,405 tags in 2021

#twisted wonderland - 433 posts

#twst - 431 posts

#ask - 377 posts

#supervillain au - 369 posts

#twst yuu - 269 posts

#twisted wonderland yuu - 267 posts

#harrassed villain yuu au - 70 posts

#leona kingscholar - 67 posts

#vil schoenheit - 63 posts

#riddle rosehearts - 59 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#becomes much more poignant if you have a solid example of another world that you just got done saving and would be doomed by this choice

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

What happens if Yuu goes on vacation or needs to leave the city for business?

Would they just leave and not tell the villains? Leaving them to wonder where they went and potentially tear the city apart?

Would they tell them and risk the full time villains showing up? Or Vil/Kalim/Jamil/Riddle to show up for business purposes?

Who hopes to catch them in a bathing suit?

@mister-jedblack said: I wonder what if Yuu and Yuuken took a vacation to Yuu’s parents house and they didn’t told the NRC villains that they’ll be gone for two weeks. What’s their reaction about it.

Thank you for the ask, dear anon and mister-jedblack!

Yuu and Yuuken decide to use their saved up holiday to go back to Yuu’s parents’ place for the week of Yuu’s birthday so they can actually celebrate with some peace and quiet and puppies rather than Yuu just being getting kidnapped and being unable to celebrate altogether.

Only Uncle Divvy knows what they’re doing, and was the one who came up with the whole idea in the first place.

Amazingly, nothing happens on the journey out of the city, and they enjoy a quiet drive to the country with very little traffic, debating playfully about what music they should be listening to.

Waterboy breaks into Yuu’s apartment on the evening before their birthday to see that it’s empty. Yuu isn’t at any of the other locations Snake Charmer told him to check if Yuu wasn’t at the apartment either. Even Grim can’t tell Kalim where Yuu is, depite promising the monster cat the best tuna money can buy.

Kalim panics.

He calls Tsunotaro and begs him to give Yuu back if he’s taken them, because he and Jamil have a really cool scheme that they wanna show Yuu, but he can’t find them anywhere! Please, please Tsunotaro, give Yuu back? They’ll only keep them for like, an hour tops, he promises!

Malleus, who does not have Yuu, is very confused. And once he figures out what Waterboy is yammering about, very, very panicked.

Malleus orders Sebek to call those two Card Soldier minions Yuu is hanging around all the time and see if Royal Flush doesn’t have Yuu in his grip.

Ace and Deuce are very confused when Sebek texts each of them and orders them to call and put Yuu on the phone. Ace and Deuce both that Yuu isn’t there, shouldn’t Sebek just call their apartment if he wants to talk to them?

Sebek is not good at hiding the fact that Yuu may be missing.

Ace goes to scope out Yuu’s apartment while Deuce messages Jack and Epel, asking if Yuu is in the King or Poison Queen’s lair. When Royal Flush, Trey and Cater assemble for dinner and ask Deuce where Ace has gone, he’s not able to lie very well to his boss and seniors.

Now Royal Flush is calling Ace every 3.25 minutes and demanding status updates on the search for Yuu. Meanwhile, Jack and Epel have questioned their respective seniors and employers to ascertain that Yuu definitely isn’t in their lairs. Leona and Vil aren’t stupid though, and this line of questioning inspires both of them to send their lieutenants out to investigate.

Vil calls Tsunotaro just to make sure Yuu isn’t just out on another odd gargoyle sightseeing walk somewhere abandoned. Meanwhile, Leona calls Leviathan to see if the creepy octo bastard has tied up the reporter in his basement to feed to his eels or something, fully willing to lay siege if this is the case.

While all this is spiraling out of control, since Malleus doesn’t have Yuu, Kalim has called Jamil in a tizzy, clutching Grim who’s similarly freaked out, blabbering about how Yuu’s gone, no one knows where they are, what if they’ve been kidnapped, what if they’re gone forever, what do they do?!?

Jamil spends thirty minutes trying to calm Kalim and Grim and himself down, before making the executive decision to get into contact with the one supervillain who could possibly find the missing reporter in the shortest amount of time.

Snake Charmer calls Charon and asks him for the current location of Yuu’s cell phone.

Idia is immediately sus of the request, not quite buying the fact that Yuu is with Snake Charmer and worried that they’ve lost it. His hackles are only raised when he does use the tracking app he covertly installed and sees Yuu’s cell phone is somehow miles out into the country. He answers Snake Charmer’s question more out of confusion than anything else, only to be met with a dial tone as Jamil suddenly hangs up on him.

The final nail in the coffin is when Leviathan then calls him, worry in his voice barely covered by the smarm turned all the way up to demand the same thing Snake Charmer just asked him. He tells Ortho to fly out to these coordinates with his tablet to see wtf is going on.

Meanwhile, Jamil, Kalim and Grim have stolen one of the Asim company cars and are speeding out of the city. They end up driving by where Ace, Ruggie and Rook are caught in a standoff, with Rook recognizing the occupants of the car thanks to his keen eyesight. Rook immediately calls Vil and tells him he’s in pursuit of a car with this licence plate.

Ace and Ruggie refuse to let him leave peacefully and not lose the car unless they get to go with him, so the three of them end up piled on the back of a moped to give chase.

Vil cuts off Malleus’ rambling to order Epel to get in the Queen Machine and get going. Malleus, suspicions roused, commands Lilia, Sebek and Silver to follow the Pomefiore villains in the Dragon Mark ‘59 Copter that Lilia bought on a whim because he said it “looked perfectly evil!”

This vehicle is much more like a dune buggy with a propeller on top than an actual helicopter, so Malleus and Sebek are forced to crouch on either side of the “cockpit” while Silver drives and Lilia gleefully hangs upside down from the undercarriage and freaks out passersby below.

Ortho is understandably shocked when he sees them flying alongside him, Sebek screaming above the wind to ask if they’re going the right way.

Riddle receives Ace’s text that he’s en route out of the city following a car that might have Yuu inside, and rallies Trey, Cater and Deuce onto the first train out the city in that direction available. It’s awkwardly packed with tired workers at this time of night who do not appreciate Cater’s attempts to document the journey through selfies.

See the full post

265 notes • Posted 2021-04-17 21:36:27 GMT

#4

The Villainous Paranoiac Needs a New Uniform

You hate magic.

You hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic, you hate magic so so so much.

You especially hate magic when it’s being used by an off-his-rocker prince with a persecution complex the size of Shibuya to disintegrate you because you’re trying to stop him from being consumed by evil magic waste and turning this dumb boy’s school into a desert over a sports tournament.

Your left side throbs around the grit of the sand buried in it as you desperately scramble upwards. All around you the formerly stable bleachers are wavering, tonnes of metal and support slowly crumbling to dust from the ground up with every second that passes.

“Prefect! Are you okay?!” Deuce has begun taking a few steps towards the bleachers—

Turning his back on Kingscholar.

“DEUCE, GET DOWN!!” You scream.

One of Cater-senpai’s clones trips him up, only to scream in agony as the magic blast intended for Deuce disintegrates it instead.

You try not to retch as you heave yourself up onto the commentator’s box roof.

“Pay attention, dumbass!” You faintly hear Ace bark. “You can’t just forget about the crazy overblot! We’re in the middle of a battle here!!”

“But my minion’s stuck up there!” Grim wails back, “We gotta do something!”

Buchie-senpai says something you can’t hear in reply, because you’re too busy hollering, “Howl-san, MOVE!!”

Howl-san only narrowly dodges the incoming attack despite his speed. The sand slams into the already weakened bleachers, causing you to stumble as the roof shakes under you, tilting at an alarming angle.

“Sorry, am I interrupting?” Kingscholar mocks, creepy hollow voice clearly audible despite the distance. “Didn’t I tell you herbivores to be prepared?”

You fight the urge to flip him off with great difficulty.

This is so much worse than Rosehearts-senpai’s Overblot. The ligament in your right ankle still gives twinges that show it’s not fully healed yet, but at least you weren’t the only one roughed up in that battle, as the dorm head lashed out at everyone and everything in his rage.

Kingscholar is aiming for you specifically. Which means that this overblot can think enough to recognize threats beyond those flinging magic attacks at it.

And exploit the fact that the you’re weak and in danger to force the others to choose between saving you and taking him down.

Your teeth sink into your thumb. You don’t wanna die here, you refuse to die here, so what are your options??

Option one; focus on directing the battle and try to stick it out up here until Kingscholar is defeated.

A bad plan right off the bat, if the tremors underneath you are any indication.

If you try to hold out until the end of the fight, the sand will finish eating through the bleachers’ supports just like it’s eating into your thigh and hip right now. You will not survive the fall onto the jagged steel and rebar below.

The others might manage not to get distracted by your messy death, but if they haven’t finished off Kingscholar by then, they’ll be sitting ducks if they can’t agree on a strategy.

Ace and Grim are down there.

There’s no way they’re not dead if you bite the dust.

And all that’s on the very generous assumption that Kingscholar won’t just King’s Roar you right here and now. He’s certainly smirking like he wouldn’t be opposed to the idea, the cocky bastard.

So option two; get the others to help you down ASAP, preferably while Kingscholar is distracted.

Marginally better than option one, but not by much. If they all come to help you, Kingscholar can just pick them off at his leisure, even if Cater-senpai uses his clones to try and confuse who’s who. While all of you are struggling to see in the sandstorm, the accuracy of the overblot’s attacks show that the storm isn’t affecting his eyesight one bit.

Plus, the more of your allies get on the bleachers, the higher the likelihood of the bleachers collapsing faster and crushing them and you with it.

See the full post

287 notes • Posted 2021-03-13 15:40:07 GMT

#3

What happens if a new villain comes to town and starts tearing shit up? Like a new rival shows up, falls in love with yuu, and kidnaps them before enacting a huge take over the city scheme, will the NRC and RSA finally come together for the same goal? Or would it lead to chaotic in-fighting in their individual attempts to rescue the reporter and save the city/stop this jerk face from showing them up only for yuu to break out just so they can knock them all upside the head?

Thank you for the ask, dear anon!

“It’s so simple, love.” The villain coos, one hand cupping Yuu’s chin gently to tilt their face up, “Just accept my proposal, and we won’t need to have any nasty accidents where you and the tarmac down there have a...terminal disagreement.”

Yuu glances down at the drop from where they’ve been “tied” to the top of the skyscraper by the metal beams that the supervillain bent around their body like they were rubber. They think they can see a flock of pigeons flapping by below them. “That’s your idea of a threat? Really? Because I’ve heard worse over breakfast. Sorry, but I really don’t think we have the right chemistry to accept marriage to the likes of you.”

The villain pouts, leaning against the tip of the building as if they were a pair of people chatting on the streets far below, and not one hapless captive tied to an antenna and their captor floating with nary a second thought in midair. “Oh c’mon now love. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be—you know that I could do far better with your Daddy’s little league than any of those second-rate bozos crowding around you.”

The reporter’s gaze sharpens, the corner of their mouth curling up in a snarl. “Don’t. Refer to them. Like that. They’re each seven times the supervillain you are, at least. Besides, I’d rather be turned into pancake mix on the pavement than do anything that could advance that man’s little projects.”

The villain tuts, coiffed hair ruffled by the breeze as he leans in far closer than Yuu is comfortable with. “Don’t play hard to get, love. So you’ve got Daddy issues, who doesn’t? It’s no reason to get in the way of progress. Maybe you’ll change your mind if I show you exactly what I can offer...”

Yuu recoils as the villain’s tongue forces its way into their mouth when their lips collide with all the force of a car crash, an invasive writhing thing that makes them gag at how far it pushes in as the villain hums greedily at their taste.

And one that the reporter swiftly brings their teeth down on.

Hard.

“FUCK! Ugh—you foul little bitch!!”

The backhand jars the reporter’s skull even as they brace for it, cutting the inside of their mouth and leaving them worried that if they try spitting out the blood gathering there, they’ll lose a tooth along with it.

The villain huffs, one hand carding through his ruffled hair. His tongue is already whole and unblemished, the last indents of their teeth healing as the reporter watches. “I didn’t want to do this, you know. I would’ve gladly taken you to the altar, and had you screaming in our wedding bed. I could’ve made you happy, if you’d just do what you’re told.”

Yuu sneers. “Frankly, I can’t imagine anything more boring.”

They take cold comfort in the fury that burns in the supervillain’s eyes at that.

“Fine. Fine.” The villain floats away, his eyes glowing that same bright red that melted through the wall to Yuu’s bedroom when they were first taken. “I was prepared to do this the nice way. I wanted to do this the nice way. But if you’re going to be such a little bitch about it, then I can always rely on the old fashioned method of succession.”

The laser beams swipe through the block of abandoned offices four stories below where the reporter is tied up.

The top of the building wavers, then begins to crumble forwards.

The villain says something else, probably something mocking and challenging them to get out of this mess because that’s the kind of cliche line that’s always used here, but Yuu can’t hear him over the whistle of the wind in their ears and the scream torn from their throat as they plummet.

They try frantically tug their arms free as their legs are pulled upwards by gravity, try their damndest to squirm free, but it’s no use, they’re not The Prefect right now, don’t even have the fedora on them, they’re Yuu, just Yuu, just helpless reporter Yuu, who can’t break steel beams with their pathetic powerless normal person strength, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, oh Great Seven, they’re going to die—!

“KING'S ROAR!!!”

There’s a discombobulating moment of freefall as the metal and concrete around them disintegrates into sand.

Then a strong, wiry arm loops around their waist and they’re pinned to a carpet as their rapid descent gradually slows to a stop in midair.

“Need a lift?” They can’t see Snake Charmer’s eyebrows through the mask, but they get the feeling one of them is raised in a wry fashion as he smirks at them.

The reporter lets out a hysterical, shaky laugh that only narrowly escapes becoming a sob, trembling hands seizing onto the two supervillains like they’re lifelines. “Wh-what took y-you so long? Did you ge-get held up in traffic?”

King grumbles, flicking their temple gently as Water Boy laughs gleefully from where he’s steering the carpet. “You could show a little more gratitude, herbivore. Do you know how hard it was to evade all the goody-two-shoes on the way here to save your ass?”

Yuu’s about to reply, when they catch a movement above them out of the corner of their eye.

“INCOMING!!”

Water Boy jerks the flying carpet to the side just in time for the villain to plunge past them fist-first, close enough to see his teeth bared in a furious snarl.

“DRIVE!!” Snake Charmer screams at his lieutenant above the rushing wind as the villain rises back up to try his luck again. Water Boy presses the corners of the carpet forwards and they go into a rollercoaster dive that makes the reporter’s stomach roil in protest.

See the full post

298 notes • Posted 2021-05-11 09:35:47 GMT

#2

MC/Yuu: Me being physically attracted to you does in no way validate any of the monumentally stupid decisions you have just made

Twst boy:...

Mc/Yuu:...

Twst boy:...But you ARE attracted to me—

MC/Yuu: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT—

320 notes • Posted 2021-03-16 12:06:02 GMT

#1

Epel: Are you a boy or a girl?

MC/Yuu: I’m terrified for my fucking life is what I am

Ace: But what’s in your pants?

MC/Yuu: F E A R

409 notes • Posted 2021-02-19 11:23:41 GMT

Dear British Assistant,

This! This is big brain energy, here! And I’m going into analysis mode for this!

For the ones of you who don’t know, this is Pete:

And physically, we have the black fur and he is a cat. Grim has black fur and is quite cat-like too. Pete was the villain in the Mickey Mouse’s original series, so we’re still in villain’s incarnations for NRC. It could make an echo with the fact that Yuu can see Mickey in their mirror at night. It would go with the hypothesis of Ramshackle being Mickey’s house.

And personality wise, they are also quite similar: greedy, treacherous (Octavinelle Episode proved it), overconfident, cocky, impatient... But also cowardly, funny and clumsy.

Now, I want Grim to be officially inspired by Pete! I love this idea, it’s so fiting! Thank you for bringing it up!

@britishassistant DJDBDBHD I KNOW