#braindust

Sometimes it's called Hope.

Sometimes it's called Willpower.

Sometimes it's called Intention.

Sometimes it's called Luck.

Sometimes Magic is Love, or Community, or Friendship, Nature or Wonder or many other thinngs

Pain causes fear. Fear of more pain, that it will never stop, that I'll never be able to think straight again.

Fear makes me more suggestible. Tell me what to do to make the pain stop, yeah? Someone else make the decision. Someone else be the boss.

This is in the context of I'm safe now and I have medical providers now, and STILL I can see the pattern of wanting to cede control.

Okay next. When I was not safe, previously, and I had people in my life who were hurting me. Putting me down, discouraging me, to get me to do what they wanted. To be in control of me. The pain was constantly present. The fear was constantly present. And it took me years to first change the loop of pain fear control, and then work on breaking it.

So when people said, about the US Republican administration 2016-2020, that "the cruelty is the point" I understood.

If you want to control people, cause them pain. Make them fear. Create circumstances where they give up control, or believe they have lost control. That's what is at the root of all bullying. Harassment and injury, neglect, kidnapping and torture and beatings, rape and unjust laws: they're all about control.

Check my math on this, but I think I'm right.

Had a mad thought last night before bed

Like WHAT IF I got a Dewey Decimal tattoo

Right there on the back of my neck

At the brain stem, just above my hairline

I thought about a few in the 800's

(which is Literature)

Wrote them on my skin to see how they felt

Then one busted through my memories

(because I was once a school librarian)

So if I ever get that tat (a skull tat whaaaat)

It's got to be

398.2

Keeps getting larger

Even as my world gets smaller:

Neither is easier.

Growing older

I get better