#boxofwine

I thought to myself last night, I have never seen this movie. I swore years ago I wouldn’t see any of these movies. I had to break this promise because I want to talk about how bad these movies are, and I need to watch it. When I was just about to press play on my tablet, I had my bf’s dog Mosby next to me and a glass of wine in my hand. I took one long big gulp of the wine and told Mosby, help me please. My gut told me that this movie was going to be worse than Twilight. Something inside me told me that I was going to drinking a lot of wine. So I pressed play and what I saw was....horrible.

In my last review I talked about how the acting was bad most likely because of the writing, well this movie is no different. This time though, we add more Jacob and his friends being shirtless. The story continues with Bella and Edward’s not really believing their relationship. Bella has dreams about getting old and Edward not changing, she’s then decides to say fuck living a normal life I want to live as a vampire (she did mention she wanted to be in the last movie but this movie it’s really hammered in that she would rather be a boring Twilight vampire than be a human, did Tuck Everlasting teach you anything about living forever, NOT WORTH IT).  Edward doesn’t want her to, don’t blame him, but she really wants to because she’s feeling old because it’s her 18th birthday (geeezzz girl get the fuck over it, that’s not old). Edward’s weird normal acting vampire family decides to throw Bella a birthday party I guess to prove that they won’t eat her. When Bella gets a paper cut Edward’s “brother” tries to attack her, that’s when I guess Edward says, yeah I’m dumping you. 

I feel bad about saying this because I’ve had a broken heart, but the way Edward dumps Bella in the movie is not really explained and funny as fuck. In the book and at the end of the movie he says he did it to protect her, in the book it’s to try to let her have a normal life, in the movie not really explained very well. It’s funny as fuck because Edwards face as he’s dumping her looks like he’s a combination of stoned as fuck and I really have to take a shit right now. I laughed so hard at this part my bf looked at me and said oh it’s the movie (he gets it). Then we see Bella go through a deep depression. Listen I get it, break ups aren’t easy but this goes on for months and the only solution that her dad could come up with is hey move to your mom’s house in Florida. WOW dad you didn’t think maybe this girl needs to go seek a professional, get some real help. And Bella, he’s just an ass if he dumps you like that and give a lame ass explanation, not worth your time, believe me I know.

Bella then tries to get out of her funk by hanging out with her friend Jessica (played by Anna Kendrick, who probably doesn’t mention she did these movie when talking to other people) when she find that she can see Edwards when she’s about to do something stupid, like get on the back of some random guys motorcycle. So decides to keep doing stupid things so she can keep seeing him (great message for girls,do stupid things that could get you killed in order to try to see your ex). Bella decides that she wants to try to ride a motorcycle and gets Jacob to help fix two broken ones. As they are fixing these bikes they become closer. 

The next part that I laughed at was when we first meet the leader of Jacob’s werewolf pact as they are jumping off a climb. It is the worst CGI effect I’ve ever seen in a high budget movie. They are green screened and you can tell they are green screen by a cliff which is real. But they way they are put on that cliff looks like they were just added on there last minute without fixing anything. It’s real bad. The pack itself, yes they are shirtless the whole time. Like I don’t know if it’s a werewolf thing or just a hey I just worked out, look how hot I look (doesn’t help that they wearing jorts bad from an old pair of jeans that they cut off).

Jacob feels he’s changing into a werewolf and also cuts off Bella. This is the point where I would tell Bella not to let her life rely on a guy, go look at a couple of colleges or something. But instead of sitting and being depressed she goes to his house to find out that he’s a werewolf. Yea the werewolf special effects are bad, they aged badly. I just look at them and think geezz they just wanted to focus on men with no shirts huh. 

Bella wanting to be the thrill seeker that she decides to then jump off that cliff the pact, When Bella hits the water she she Victoria from the last movie who I guess wants revenge on her for her having to kill her bf James (even though it was Edwards family who did that) and her trying to kill Bella like James was trying to do. Even after Jacob saves her life, Bella after finding out Edward is about do kill himself (he think Bella killed herself after jumping off the cliff) she says fuck the guy who actually shows like he care and go for the guy who dumped me because of stupid reason. 

By this point in the movie I was on glass number three, tipsy and Mosby had left (he can sense a bad movie). I felt like I was tortured, the acting was so bad, the writing worse. Writing and acting go together because if a movies writing is bad, the actors won’t take care of the craft. If the Godfather had terrible writing do you anyone would love that acting in it. Then when the Godfather 3 was made we got to see what bad writing did to the acting of classic character.

So Bella goes to Italy to “save” Edward before he shows his true form in front of a bunch of humans (his pale glittery self). After pushing him back into the dark, the Volturi  (a family that is way more boring than the Adams Family) who tell Edward that Bella knows too much about Vampires so she either must be killed or turn into a vampire. I laughed again when before they go see the Volturi, Dakota Fanning (who I call creepy child) tells them to go into an elevator and the worst Italian opera I’ve ever heard in my life is playing. My ears didn’t want to believe what it was hearing. The characters just look, don’t say a word and they all look like oh fuck what did we sign up for, we have to do 3 more of these shitty movies. 

So in the end Jacob begs Bella to go with him, she says nope I’ll go to ass hole Vampire, and Edward is like Marry Me. BELLA RUN!

Only three more of these shitty ass movies to go. I think the acting is just as if not worse that the first one. The writing is too stupid to believe. The special effects were laughable. I can’t really blame the actors for having to deal with the bad writing but at least kind of look like you care that this movie franchise is going to make you millionaires for at twenty years. I got through four glasses of wine I was full of joy after the credits started to play, and unlike a Marvel movie I didn’t care to see if there was something at the end of the credits because fuck this shit. Three more movies, more like can someone just get me three boxes of wine and hope that this didn’t really exist.