#bouyancy

feeling lots of emotions that I can gladly place onto the upcoming full moon. I say this jokingly, as I am always feeling ((a lot)) almost to the point where somewhat being numbed out becomes a painful toss up for upholding a sense of composure. I think about what it means to be calm while everything is burning, what it means to glow in the dark, what it means to dream during a lecture, draw on your homework. I think of all the subtle ways we knock at the door to what our lives are, while still living through (this), i think of all the ways we attempt to express and also not express ourselves to strike a balance with the extremely unbalanced ways of being in (this). I think about all the people, wonderful connections I’ve made throughout my life that continue to puzzle me and twist my guts at the same time. The people I find myself feeling perpetually angry towards but yet still loving at the same time, and then I think how can that be? lol but of course. I think of my parents, I think about their relationship to each other, I think about how that relationship contributed to the creation of me, how I by existing contributed partially to the survival and demise of that relationship-even though I was never aware of that until i was and then I just didn’t need to be made aware. I don’t really know what it means to yield care or love extensively or across vast emotional distances while still upholding a sense of true sovereignty of self. I always ask myself about balance within relationships that begin to feel as if I’m yielding ‘too much’ or perhaps not enough. Am I making space for this person to feel held, heard? Do I feel like I have space? Is space enough? or are we moving further and further away until everything shared lacks relevance? is this how memories are made? is it loving enough to both Be with someone in relevance, then in memory? What does it mean for a memory to fade but never lose its texture? What does it mean to forget the rougher aspects of someone so that we remember what was true, the sweeter bits even if that was what felt like was the lie? I’ve been thinking lately that the Universe is like a pinball machine of possibilities and in my mind its either the old microsoft 10 version or the uiuc arcade ones (specificity) and we’re just balls and we just keep bong’ing around and when we fall through the little shoot we just reload until we’re out of tokens and then maybe we go take a break and eat a hot dog, play DDR, go bowling ,.. idk we switch it up and then maybe make our way back to play pinball for another try. I like collecting super soft rocks from the beach, I like to think each day i become smoother and a lot more weathered just like them.