Burning dimly

As your eyes closed

Swallowing unnamed

Tears

Why why why why why

They say

As darkness turns

To smoke

And it burns deep inside

Where your heart

Was once

Supposed to be

Now just locked up

Little secrets

Wait here

Wait here for you

And you know

What can be lost

But painting in sin

With body and dirty soul

If only you knew

You would throw me

Throw me in the flames

If only you knew

That's where I go

For the last dance

Where I'll kiss the fire

Sharing one

Dying cigarette

Little orange flame

Burning dimly

And your eyes

Are closing with goodbye

Swallowing unnamed

How you're amazing

In the role of mother

You was eleven years old

They told you

That your mother is lucky

To have daughter like you

Who take care of home

And your baby brother

You was thirteen years old

They told you

How you're capable

Of looking after their babies

As adult

You was between 11-13 years

They told you

Your mother wouldn't take it

Without you

Taking care about her

They told you

You're so mature for your age

They told you

Bunch of another shits

You was adult in child's body

Drowning choking aching

At fifteen you broke down

You stop being able to take care of things

You stop being able to be functional

Insomniac sleepless kid

Tired starving self-harming

Suicidal depressed teen

Skipping school skipping meals

Skipping life skipping events skipping friends

And they stop telling you things

Then they stop talking with you at all

Failure after failure

Arguments fights anger

Misunderstanding

Sadness of your mother

Friends leaving silently like ghosts

Another break down

At age of seventeen

Interrupted study

Sleeping for half a year

Another suicides attemps

Another scream and fighting

Then big return to school

Just for ending studies

Leaving your school for good

Before the end of the year

Lost future of lost child

They used to told you

How amazing u was

In the role of mother

In age of eleven

They used to told you

That your mother was lucky

To have daughter like you

Who took care of home

And your baby brother

In age of thirteen

They used to told you

How you was capable

Of looking after their babies

As adult

Somewhere in age 11-13

They used to told you

Your mother wouldn't take it

Without you

Tooking care about her

They used to told you

You was so mature for your age

They used to told you...

They used to...

They don't talk to you anymore

They all left

Silently like ghosts

Look at you now

And them...

Tryed to wear pants today

I am currently taking a break from trying to clean. I put some laundry away. I struggle with housework a lot now... And I got kinda fat

I must be pretty depressed to be like this even with adhd medication :( it used to at least help me feel more proactive and I stayed thin before but now it doesn't really curb my hunger like it used to I guess.

I have a lot of worries on my mind. One day by myself and I get incredibly depressed and lonely. I guess I'm always like that now anyway.

I hope I can rise above this someday. I feel like I'm a little pessimistic because when I look at my life realistically, I have been suffering intense mood swings with depressive episodes pretty much continuously since I was 13. I had a few periods of a sort of manic mood instead, when I would stay thinner but had higher anxiety rather than depression and I tended to be meaner/snippier like that. I'd rather be that way even though it is hard in its own way. At least I still felt attractive. I feel attractive some days... My body is kinda like the type I find attractive in other women, but I feel most attractive when I'm kinda scrawny. I'm like 145 pounds now and I felt the best at like 120-125.

Most people roll their eyes at me bc they're bigger or something but I think it is valid to feel down about gaining 20 pounds. That is a lot.

I've been OK keeping up with my schoolwork for the first week of classes, but it started rough. My fp went to the hospital so I skipped class on the first day. He went for depression.. It was very stressful bc we were both afraid he would lose his job in the military for seeking help for it.. They are helping him though, I guess.

I was late for the next day I had my only in-person class too... I felt really fortunate that my professor did not mention it and let me sign the attendance sheet.. The rules for college always state kinda strict attendance guidelines which I tend to fail at. I don't miss class too much, but there have been days I overslept for a test. My usual issue is being late. Tbh if I'm doing badly I just tell my professors the truth about my problems.. My major relates to mental health a little bit so usually the professors are compassionate and give me a chance. I try and I always complete my work... But I fail completely at taking care of myself. I got fat. I barely sleep. I never eat healthy.. Don't drink enough water... Don't exercise... I forget to take my meds a lot which I'm trying to change bc I would probably lose the weight if I just took all my damn Adderalls per day. I am supposed to take 3 (1 every 4 hours) and I take like 1 in the morning for work and forget the other 2 all the time. If I take it past 5 for the last one I can't sleep so I kinda just feel like I can't take it at all if I forget past 5..

I hope this new semester will be a reboot to my system. I go through phases and desperately need to enter a new one. The one I'm in is making me so dysfunctional...