#bnj

Had the urge to draw @inhumaninterest's best bun Jeremiah, being his silly self and doing that anime girl bleh meme, because it just fits him and the shenanigans he tends to get himself into.

Why is he naked?

Don't worry about it.

Enjoy!

it took me a while to find jonghyun outside. there were so many stars out, but i had to make sure i found him i just had to. i walked outside for about 5 minutes until i saw him, shining so brightly that it was almost hard to look at--i wanted to believe he found me, and was telling me, “here i am.” 

at first i didn’t really know what to say. the moment i looked up at jonghyun, my tears immediately fell. it was so hard to look at him like this, and not in human form from recent airport previews or concert previews. i trembled so much trying to find my words, but i did my best because i didn’t want to keep him waiting even though i know he understood. 

we talked about his family, and how his mother and sister set up a beautiful memorial for him. i told jonghyun that the flowers were beautiful, and it complimented the picture that was used. i brought up minho saying, “your best friend minho was so strong today, jonghyun. even though he was in pain he was keeping his head held high for others.” then of course, we went on to talk about kibum and how he was crying hysterically (and how upset i was that he was recorded). i told him i didn’t see taemin and jinki, but that it was okay and was none of my business. i let everything out to him--about how i felt that someone who shared the same mental illness as me has passed, and how i feel so lost now without him. i expressed that i was sad, but i know no pain measures up to one of a mother’s. at this point it was hard for me to talk..i just kept crying and saying i missed him so much over and over again. it may be silly, but i felt warm after saying it--as if maybe he hugged me. 

after the crying, i told him that i pushed myself to go to my american sign-language class, and how good i felt being there. for the first time since he has passed, i felt content and surrounded by calmness. i even told him a joke i learned in sign-language, and i’m sure he laughed. i reminded him that his laugh was the prettiest sound in the whole world. 

we went on to talk about a couple of my friends who felt like they didn’t pay enough attention to jonghyun for the last few weeks he was alive, and how the guilt was eating them alive. those concerns made me cry again, of course, but jonghyun knew that they shouldn’t feel that way. they loved him like no other person in the world mattered, and he knew that he did. 

lastly, after talking to him for about 20 minutes, i promised him i would take care of jinki, taemin, minho, and kibum during these times and for the rest of my life--that he didn’t have to worry about them, because shinee world won’t leave their side and his. i told him that i’m sorry for feeling selfish for wanting him back when he was hurting so much here, but that my heart is relieved that he’s in a place where hurt and despair doesn’t exist anyway. we talked about me possibly getting a tattoo of one of his tattoos--maybe the she is one or inspiration. i got down on my knees and said the jewish mourner’s kaddish (the prayer for the dead) and then told him goodnight and i love you in sign-language (i thought he’d want to see). before i walked inside back into my house, i promise him i would see him again tomorrow.