Batfamily Comm Lines pt.10
*grunting and the sound of a bō staff collapsing is heard*
Tim: *wincing* What the hell is wrong with the people in Blüdhaven? He threw his shoe at me!
Dick: *laughs* I once fought someone at the dump and he fucking threw a toilet seat at me.
Tim: I’m going to kill Roy for bailing. Where is he?
Dick: Outlaw mission came up last minute.
Tim: Last minute, my ass. He knew. He fucking knew better than to come out here.
Dick: Jason wasn’t answering my calls and Damian is banned from Blüd until further notice.
Tim: What-? What for? He’s only been here once.
Dick: *giggling* He got a gun pulled out on him and he stared straight into this guy’s eyes- with that dead look that Damian does,-and said" only pussies use guns."
Tim: *lets out a cackle* And B banned him for that? Like you weren’t doing worse at his age.
Dick: Right?! I was in Gotham, in my green tighty whities, harassing Bruce with my dick-isms because the English language confused me.
Tim: *wheezing* Dick-isms?
Dick: Butchering the English language because I went from performing in a circus to old money overnight with no cool-down time.
Tim: We don’t give Damian enough credit. He could have been so much worse when he first came to live with B.
Dick: He tried to kill you within twenty-four hours of being here.
Tim: Yeah but if I was raised in an assassin cult that was led by a senile old man that kept rejuvenating, I’d probably want to kill someone too.
*Comm pings, bickering can be heard*
Jason: *in the background* I thought the League beat the word “ submission’” into you. Clearly fucking not.
Damian: Go find a crowbar to polish. It is my turn to pick the film and you very well know it, I have been keeping track of-
Damian: Grayson? My apologies. I was not aware that I had intercepted this comm line. I was merely speaking to Akhi.
Jason: Dumbass. *clicks on the comm link* What's good?
Tim: Why didn't you pick up Dick's call? You asshole, I got a shoe fucking thrown at me.
Jason: *mocking tone* MEMEMEMEME. I'm Tim and I can't dodge a fucking pair of sneakers.
Tim: Ungrateful. All of you are ungrateful with me.
Dick: Where are you guys at? Wanna meet up and get food?
Damian: I am not patrolling tonight. Father had an emergency Justice League meeting at the Watchtower so I am staying the night at Jason’s.
Dick: What! You’re inside his apartment? Jason said he’d shoot me if I tried.
Jason: *chewing loudly* That threat still stands.
Tim: What are you two doing on your night off?
Damian: Reminiscing on our time in the League.
Dick: Yo-I actually have a question *grunts* Fucking hell. I think I got a bruise forming. You guys have Internet at the League, right?
Dick: Because your first week in Gotham, you saw Tim’s Roomba and nearly stomped it to death.
Jason: *wheezes* He knows what technology is, he just- *laughs* In theory, he knows. He just hadn’t seen shit in person.
Tim: He saw the air fryer and said ‘ What kind of contraption is that?’
Damian: Grandfather did not believe in making me dependent on technology unless there was a purpose.
Jason: I've seen your fucking iPad screentime you average 7 hours a day.
Damian: Is Grandfather here? Do you see him? No? Then remain silent.
Tim: What’d you guys even do for fun? It couldn’t have been all training, right?
Jason: When we were sent on missions, I was usually able to squeeze in some sightseeing with the kid. But I didn’t realize how socially inept Damian was until that one time in Disneyland Paris. *wheezes* You know Minnie Mouse? I forced him to take a photo with her. She waves at Donald and blows him a kiss—
Damian: *pleading* Do not say another word, Akhi.
Dick: *clapping his hands joyously* Please continue, I need to hear this.
Jason: *grunting* Get the fuck off, Damian. In front of several Parisian children, he turns to Minnie and says," Do you find it acceptable to display your infidelity in such a public setting, wench?"
Tim: Oh my god...you actually said that?
Damian, serious: It was a factual statement. I do not see anything wrong with it!
Tim: *snorting* You called Minnie Mouse a prostitute in front of the French, they’ve started rebellions for much less.
Damian: *cheerfully* Worth it. Jason and I received a lifetime ban and I am free from experiencing the It’s a Small World ride once again.
Jason: Hate all you want, that was the best nap I’ve ever had.
Dick: Please tell me you have photographs of Damian at Disneyland.
Jason: Oh yeah, a fucking album's worth. Bastard threatened to burn it but he knows better. Don't you, Dames?
Damian: Do not speak to me.
Tim: I've only been to the League's compound once and it felt like I was in San Quentin.
Dick: Facts. Bet you were encaged at all times in a concrete room.
Damian: *laughs* Tell them about the time we broke into the laboratory and Grandfather nearly executed us!
Dick: Wait-He almost did what?
Jason: *giggles* It would have been Damian's fault! Ra' ordered the League scientists to conduct cloning experiments on animals and Damian being Damian was all angry about ' animal testing not being ethical." So he *gasping with laugher* storms in but misjudges how far down the steps are because we weren't allowed in there *cackles* so he eats fucking shit and tumbles down like 2 flights of stairs-
Damian: * cackling* I collide into one of the scientists who spills the beaker filled with God-only-knows-what on himself and the man drops dead due to the solution only being harmless towards animals.
Tim: YOU MURDERED BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY.
Dick: BILL BILL BILL *cackles*
Jason: It gets worse. *crying* God, it hurts to laugh. He rolls like a fucking bowling ball into the wall that has Ra' collection of souvenirs and almost obliterates them.
Damian: *snorts* Grandfather was quite mad at the prospect of Drake's spleen nearly falling from its designated place.
Tim: *voice lowers* what do you mean Ra al Ghul has my spleen?
Damian: He has it preserved in a mason jar.
Damian: Last time we visited, we were down in the laboratory to see the new experiments that were conducted during our leave. Akhi said ‘ I wonder if this counts as voodoo’ and he shook the spleen jar.
Jason and Dick: *cackles*
Tim: YOU LET HIM PLAY WITH MY SPLEEN?
Damian: *bored tone* I wasn’t aware you were so attached to it, Drake.
Jason: Shook that shit like a snowglobe.
Dick: *cackling* The question is *wheezes* did you feel anything?
Tim: *in complete disbelief* I take it back. I wish the shoe took me out.
Dick, Jason, and Damian: * erupting into laughter*
