in this ongoing quest - exploration - of aligned, authentic expression ... there are tiny steps forwards, mini-realisations. and then huge blockages, that kick up all the frustration and anger and desperation? up again
that old tangle, the old patterns, the creative flow completely blocked again
in other words, I've tried to record some videos. again. and it's ... when I play them throuh in my head, thing flow perfectly. i record them, of course they turn out differently than in my head, but that's fine, that's what I've come to expect
but then - I get stuck. overthinking. overanalysing. and I can't even tell anymore whether the feeling of "eeehhh, not quite" is authentic or coming from the judgmental perfectionist still living inside
ack, even this is kind of writing up the hill.
writing, let's go back to that for a bit, I had this realisation last night in bed that what gets me really excited, right now, when it comes to creative writing, is not so much the writing, the story telling. the PLOT of something. I'm interested in the details. Like, I read this fanfiction, and the last chapter was the fictional discography of one of the main characters. and that really sparked something. I got so excited, like, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO WRITE
and I remembered that as a teenager, thinking up characters and their stories was way more interesting to me than actually telling the story from the poin where we meet them onwards.
like, think tolkien, but instead of languages, I'd make up people, and instead of world history, I'd make up their history. and then lose intereset.
and as I was lying in bed and thinking about that, yeah, there was this feeling sense of excitement, of joy. of wanting to do that, express that way
right now, I can't bring that feeling back, mostly because I think the mind already went into stuckness-loops over the video thing
like, what exactly IS that feeling right now? it's not really anger. frustration. actually, I think it's panic over not being able to get it right. yeah, that's what it feels like.
like way back in school, I'm sitting a written exam, the clock is ticking down, I'm not finished, I try to rush but now nothing is working, nothing is clicking, I'm blanking entirely and still trying to make this work, get this right/done/finished/complete
huh. how do I get myself out of this?
and I so much want out from under this particular shadow, this blockage. there is the feeling underneath, beyond, of simply fun and exploration, curiosity and joy and I KNOW THIS IS MY SOUL
and my consciousness is stuck here, in the panic, the perfectinism, and the panic of not being perfect and right and UGH
so. deep breath. too much attention to the stuckness-loop will only reinforce it. trying to push through it will only reinforce it.
there is the sense of, soften, let go, relax, LET YOURSELF SINK DOWN, and I will be able to, like, tunnel under the stuckness and be free
the stuckness is pretty loud. and there is someone very small inside who is very afraid of the stuckness
and another part that is almost paralysed by fear of: I'm feeling the freedom now, but if I make a wrong move, it will catch me and then I will become trapped again and forget what it's like to be free, to feel safe
and actually, that kind of goes with the realisation of last week, with the ripples of that realisation, boiling down to:
what is invited is to find new ways of expressing and creating
that is very clear in the feeling, actually. even right now. the mind is flapping and flailing, like, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? what does that look like? how do????
and I'd like to tell the mind, let it know that this is not about doing. this is really about being.
this is not about getting the words right
this is not about getting the expression right, even
this is about getting the energy right
the rest doesn't matter all that much.
remember? creating for the sake of creating, with the outcome a nice bonus on top? a very distant second priority?
that's how we create artworks.
so, your question, dear mind is now this: how can you take what we learnt from creating art and apply this to creating video?
look, the "old" way of creating isn't working anymore. at all. you know this. I know this. so why keep trying to make it work, when we both know it won't? ever?
can we try something new? can we try - to let feeling drive? just this once? for a test video?
remember, the one of me just babbling was better in quality of sound and light AND ALSO SHORTER than anything we tried to record when coming from a vaguel remembered script.
yeah, so, I don't kow if it's actually possible to do that right now, I have a panicky feeling running around in my sacrum. but it's certainly something to sit with and contemplate and FEEL INTO
and actually, it's a good question: CAN I make a video about a certain topic WITHOUTH coming from a script?
it's certainly something to try ...
(unfortunately, the mere thought of trying sets of the panic again. what the heck is going on, where is this coming from, I mean, it is interesting, sure, but also ARGH)
