#bleachlists

Hi folks,

I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog lately--and feeling just, like, intense guilt that I ran away and just never came back. I’m okay, by the way! Nothing terrible happened that drove me away; my life just got busy and different and I didn’t know how to deal.

I decided to end this blog because I had gotten busy, and because writing lists had started to feel more like a chore and less like the delightfully fun hobby it had started out. I think probably a new job contributed to that a lot. But I still had requests. And I promised I wouldn’t end the blog until I completed them.

I broke those promises. And I’m really sorry about that!

I kept telling myself I would finish them. A month passed. Then two. Then a year. I stopped logging into tumblr at all because doing so made me feel so guilty. Then I just sort of stopped thinking about it.

But then, in the middle of the night, I started thinking about sad it was that I now thought about this blog with guilt and anxiety. I love this blog. Writing this blog was an absolute delight, and I loved my readers and the notes and the art. I have Bleach fanart still framed on my walls. And I don’t want to feel guilty and horrible about running away.

So I decided, with my wife’s encouragement, that I should post an apology. I’m sorry that I didn’t finish the last of my requests. I wanted to, and I tried, and I just couldn’t get into the headspace to write them. I don’t believe I will ever write them, and I’m sorry for that! And I’m sorry I just sort of left because I felt guilty and anxious and bad, as opposed to going out with a nice finish. 

I’m not sure how many of the old gang are around, but I think writing this will give me some closure.  

Okay, so let’s assume that the virus would exist in the Soul Society. How would the soul reapers spend their time in Quarantine? (For brevity’s sake, let’s just look at soul reapers that are currently living).

KYORAKU: He would spend his time drinking and avoiding his responsibilities like he usually does.

NANAO: Mainly spends her time looking after Kyoraku and making sure things s6tay up and running.

SOI FON: Spends her time practicing and staying fit.

OMAEDA: He would just eat all the way through Quarantine, ending up approximately 200 pounds heavier.

ROSE: he would hate having to be socially distanced, so he would probably write depressing songs about the pandemic.

ISANE: Needless to say, she would be treating the sick.

KIYONE: She’s be helping her sister treat the sick, of course!

SHINJI: He would just chat with the other Vizards via Zoom.

BYAKUYA: He would be luckier than most, socially distancing himself in his mansion.

RENJI: He would probably want to spend time with Rukia, so he would spend quarantine with the Kuchiki family.

KOMOMOURA: Dogs can’t spread the virus as fast as humans, so he’d be able to get around better than most.

LISA: She would spend her time reading her magazines. You know the ones.

KENSEI: He would train his squad via Zoom.

HISAGI: He would dedicate himself to his work at the seirieitei bulletin.

HITSUGAYA: Paperwork, Paperwork, paperwork. He would be pretty happy to be without Rangiku.

RANGIKU: She would try her hardest to pester Hitsugaya in as many digital ways as possible, but she would be happy not having him tell her to do her paperwork all the time.

KENPACHI: Upon finding out about the virus, he would immediately go on a quest to KILL IT!

KUROTSUCHI: He would spend all of quarantine finding the vaccine to the virus. Either that, or he would try to weaponize it.

I’ve started up a new Bleach Lists blog! Here’s the link:

https://bleachlists2.tumblr.com/

This is how I think Aizen would rank the espada by how much he likes them. 

1. Ulquiorra: He’s just about the most loyal servant I could ever ask for!

2. Zommari: I just like people who like me. (Which should be everyone.)

3. Yammy: He’s not very smart, but that means he won’t betray me or anything!

4. Starrk: He’s a good fighter and he seems like he actually wants to b there, fighting for me. He’s okay in may book.

5. Luppi: He’s the perfect tool to annoy Grimmjow. Enough said.

6. Halibel: She wasn’t my first choice to take over as leader of Hueco Mundo after me, but she’s at least a competent fighter.

7. Aaronierro: I liked him enough to keep him as an espada after I took over, didn’t I? I guess that means I like him.

8. Noitorra: He at least did well fighting the soul reapers. 

9. Szayel: I’m going to be honest, I don’t really care about Szayel.

10. Grimmjow: He disobeys my orders, he isn’t a team player, and I think he turned good after I was captured. I am not a fan.

11. Nel: I liked her fine... until she helped Ichigo. Now, not so much.

*****Before the announcement******

Yamamoto: Alright, everybody. Place your bets as to what they’re going to announce here. 

Ukitake: *Waking up from a nap* What’s going on?

Kyoraku: We’re betting on what this “20th anniversary project is going to be.”

Ukitake: Oooh. I don’t really care what happens. I’m just glad to see that Bleach is still relevant after all these years.

Renji: Speak for yourself! I’ve had to wait for YEARS for the anime to come back, and if they don’t announce it here, I don’t know what I’ll do!

Kempachi: Probably just stay in your room crying all day.

Renji: Hey, this anime means too much to me. Can you blame me for getting emotional?

Rukia: It’s okay to be emotional, but you just go waaay too far sometimes. Besides, I wouldn’t get my hopes up about the anime returning.

Renji: How could you say that? Of course it’s coming back.

Kira: Dude, this 20th anniversary project is clearly just going to be some dumb new Brave Souls characters, at best You’re all hyping yourselves up for nothing.

Rangiku: What? So you’re saying there’s not going to be anything special at all? What about “Burn the Witch?”

Kira: I’m just saying, there’s no point in hyping ourselves up for nothing.

Unohanna: I’m sure it will all turn out well in the end!

***After the announcement****

Kira: Well, Renji, I guess I was wrong after all.

Kira: Renji?

Kempachi: Where’s that redhead?

Rukia: He’s-

Renji: *Runs around in the background, clearly euphoric* WOOOOOOOO!!!!

Rukia: I told you he got crazy.

Yamamoto: Well, I guess the anime is coming back... *Looks mildly dissapointed*

Unohanna: Are you alright, head Captain? You should be excited.

Yamamoto: Why should I be? I get to watch myself get killed in anime form. What’s so good about that?

As requested by newmandrd :)

So I’m assuming Yoruichi teaching at the Academy is something from the novels? Regardless, I can roll with it! Yoruichi is now teaching at the Academy, so that she and Soi Fon now have more frequent contact. What sort of conversations might they have?

1.

Soi Fon: An attendance policy? You have an attendance policy for your class?

Yoruichi: Of course!

Soi Fon: So you don’t want your students to just...disappear without telling you why? 

Yoruichi: ...

Yoruichi: Soi Fon, I thought we were past that!

Soi Fon: I don’t know what you are referring to.

2.

Yoruichi: I heard you berated Captain Zaraki for being late!

Soi Fon: It was Captain Kuchiki’s captain ceremony. It was unacceptable of him to be tardy for it.

Soi Fon: Speaking of which, you’ve already been late to five of your classes.

Yoruichi: ...how do you know that?

Soi Fon: You should not underestimate my information network.

Yoruichi: Uh, Soi Fon? How many of my students are actually your spies?

Soi Fon: You should not have to ask me that.

Yoruichi: How many, Soi Fon???

3.

Soi Fon: I am glad to hear that you are teaching at the Academy. You were always a great teacher to me.

Yoruichi: Thanks, Soi Fon!

Yoruichi: Although to be honest, with so many students, it’s hard to get ALL of their heads in my lap.

Soi Fon: YOU GIVE LAP TIME TO ALL OF YOUR STUDENTS?!

Yoruichi: So sensitive! I was only kidding!

Yoruichi: You know lap time was only for you, little bee!

Soi Fon: N-not that I would care!

4. 

Soi Fon: Do you miss the human world?

Yoruichi: Sometimes.

Yoruichi: Especially the weird screechy sound humans make when a cat suddenly starts talking to them!

Yoruichi: For a while, I could get the new shinigami to make that sound.

Yoruichi: But now word has gotten around.

Yoruichi: Well, if I want to continue shocking them, I guess there is always nudity.

Soi Fon: AREN’T YOU A TEACHER?!

5. 

Yoruichi: Soi Fon! I’ve heard you’ve gotten soft toward your subordinates!

Soi Fon: And who has been telling such blatant falsehoods?

Yoruichi: Well, I couldn’t help but notice that Omaeda survived two wars by your side - you didn’t kill him even once!

Soi Fon: He is not worth killing.

Yoruichi: Oh! Do I detect a crush??

Soi Fon: Your crush-sensing capabilities are as terrible as ever, I see.

Yoruichi: So...you are getting softer?

Soi Fon: Those aren’t the only two options!!

6.

Soi Fon: What is that pile on your desk?

Yoruichi: Those? They’re hair ties!

Yoruichi: I steal them from all the boys who aren’t fast enough to stop me!

Yoruichi: Which is...all of them.

Yoruichi: Gonna need a second desk soon, to be honest.

Soi Fon: You are the reason Byakuya has trust issues, you know.

7. 

Yoruichi: I’m glad I came back, you know.

Soi Fon: I assumed as much, since you haven’t disappeared.

Yoruichi: It’s nice seeing how strong you’ve gotten.

Yoruichi: You did good, Soi Fon.

As requested by anon. :)

In today’s “what if” list, we’re going to imagine that the final arc of Bleach did not involve an invasion of the Quincy, but rather an invasion by Aizen and his espada army. How would Bleach have been different then?

1. There would be no Hueco Mundo arc

In this version of Bleach, after Ichigo has rescued Rukia and has returned to the human world...nothing happens. No espada invade. There is no Orihime kidnapping. In this version, Aizen decides to skip that whole part of his plan and instead go straight into an invasion of Soul Society.

Tosen: Aizen-sama, I question your strategy.

Aizen: Do you?

Tosen: Yes. By going straight to an invasion of Soul Society, you are not giving Kurosaki Ichigo any chance to become stronger. He could barely beat Kuchiki Byakuya when we last saw him. He is no match for you.

Aizen: And?

Tosen: That is just - so logical.

Tosen: Are you feeling all right?

Aizen: I CAN BE LOGICAL

2. Soul Society would have no warning of the coming invasion

In the Quincy arc, the Gotei-13 had an inkling that something was up, because hollows were disappearing en masse and only Quincy could cause that. But in this version, there would only be one warning sign: an increase in hollow attacks as the denizens of Hueco Mundo made incursions into Soul Society. And let’s be real. The Gotei-13 never cared about hollow attacks in the Rukongai.

Kira: There has been an increase in hollow attacks in the Rukongai.

Hisagi: ...and?

Nemu: Probably nothing.

Matsumoto: I didn’t know we even tracked hollow attacks!

Kira: ...what is the Gotei-13 even for?

3. The fracciones would invade first

Man, remember back in the beginning of the Hueco Mundo arc when Hitsugaya and the advance force came to the human world and fought Grimmjow’s fracciones and just barely won? Those were the days. Given that there hasn’t been much time for the Gotei-13 to power up since the first arc, Aizen would go ahead and send the fracciones in first. And they would, initially, do a really good job.

Hitsugaya: What on earth? These hollows have zanpakuto!

Hitsugaya: I guess I’ll just attack and see what happens.

Byakuya: Me too.

Komamura: Me too.

Soi Fon: Me too.

Kurotsuchi: WHY ARE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS

4. Sasakibe would not die!

But then, he probably wouldn’t bother to use his bankai though, either.

Sasakibe: I just feel like I should save it for a special occasion.

Aizen: More special...than my invasion?

Sasakibe: Yes?

Aizen: That offends me on so many levels.

5. ...but Ikkaku might

Ikkaku almost died fighting Edorad in the human world - he only won because he used his bankai. Later during the Fake Karakura Town arc, he almost let himself die AGAIN because he straight-up refused to use his bankai when the rest of the Gotei-13 were around. In a battle in which everyone is scattered around Soul Society and he doesn’t want to use his bankai? Yeah, that might not end well for him. Unless...

Yumichika: BLOOM, RURI’IRO KUJAKU!

Ikkaku: Y-you have a kido power?

Yumichika: I’m sorry, Ikkaku.

Yumichika: But how could Bleach end without my revealing this to you? You had to know!

Ikkaku: It would have been a pretty big loose end otherwise.

Yumichika: I know, right?

6. Ichigo would be late

But not because of being trapped inside a Quincy sphere, as in the real arc. It’s more that Ichigo is in the human world and there’s no one to tell him what’s going on in Soul Society. And Urahara tends to do things on his own timescale.

Urahara: Hi Kurosaki!

Ichigo: GAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY WINDOW

Urahara: Soul Society is dying - any interest in going back?

Ichigo: Do you even have to ask?

7. Aizen would pull out of Soul Society at Ichigo’s arrival.

I mean, this part of Yhwach’s plan wasn’t too bad, so I think Aizen would copy it - pull out after the initial invasion, wait for Ichigo to go to the Royal Realm, and then jump in after Ichigo breaks down the door coming out. That’s what happened, right? Honestly the Quincy arc confused me a little.

Grimmjow: Wait, what? You’re just gonna leave?

Grimmjow: Only the fracciones got to have fun!

Aizen: Patience, Grimmjow.

Aizen: It is all going according to plan.

Tosen: You’ve been showing so much restraint lately, Aizen-sama.

Tosen: You’re sure you’re feeling all right?

Aizen: Stop asking me that!

8. Squad 0...would totally not show up.

I’m pretty sure they don’t even get out of bed for anything less than a full-on Quincy invasion.

Ichigo: I’m here! Where are the enemies?

Rukia: You missed them, you idiot!

Ichigo: Oh.

Ichigo: Oops?

9. So Aizen would...invade again, I guess?

Maybe with the espada this time. Try to smoke out Squad 0. And to be fair, the Gotei-13 just barely managed to take down Espada 1-3 in Fake Karakura Town. With all ten espada invading at once, that would be pretty bad for them.

Grimmjow: I CALL DIBS ON THE ORANGE-HAIRED ONE

Ulquiorra: We are espada. We do not call “dibs.”

Grimmjow: Don’t be mad just ‘cause I called them first!

10. Especially since Ichigo still hasn’t mastered his hollow powers

So it would be like if the fake Karakura Town battle happened...while Ichigo still couldn’t control Hichigo.

Grimmjow: [looking down at Ichigo’s motionless, beaten-up body]

Grimmjow: I have never been so disappointed in my life.

11. Aizen might win

Like obviously, narratively speaking, the Gotei-13 always manage to pull out a win. But if Aizen invaded quickly enough, before everyone had their power-ups and their extra training, and if Aizen actually didn’t spend a lot of time and effort powering up Ichigo, then he just might do it. 

Aizen: You see? This is why I should have powered up Kurosaki Ichigo.

Aizen: Beating him when he is still at the “stoppable with one finger” level - where’s the fun in that?

Tosen: I thought we were doing this for justice, not fun.

Gin: You always think that, though.

12. But if Squad 0 doesn’t show up...

Then he’s pretty much still screwed.

Gin: I guess the Soul King just doesn’t see you as a threat.

As requested by @rays-of-fire-and-ice​ :)

American Ninja Warrior (the version which I am familiar with) is a show on which contestants try to make their way through a physically challenging course as fast as possible. Most people fail. But the crowd and the announcers cheer them on, and it’s quite frankly a happy show. But what if the members of the Gotei-13 decided to try their hands at a Soul Society version of it? How would each of them do?

Normally Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbaja-Biamila are the hosts of this show, but since it’s the Gotei-13 version, we’re gonna let Ikkaku and Iba do the honors! 

1. Shinji

Iba: True to form, HIRAKO SHINJI, the backwards ninja, is trying to do the whole course backwards! He’s off on the flying steps and - 

Iba: -and into the water he goes!

Ikkaku: Wow! That was not a good plan!

Iba: Looks like he went butt-first into disaster!

Ikkaku: ...really?

Iba: This show is all about the puns.

2. Isane

Ikkaku: After breezing through the first five obstacles, Isane has made it to the warped wall!

Iba: This is a hard one for many contestants, especially since we outlawed flying.

Ikkaku: She’s running for it and - she made it! She made it!

Iba: Her height allowed her to easily grasp the top of the wall!

Ikkaku: Maybe, for the first time, she’ll be glad that she’s so tall.

Iba: This game is so good for people!

3. Kenpachi

Ikkaku: I’ve been waiting for this one, Iba.

Ikkaku: The paragon of strength and violence - Zaraki Kenpachi, Captain of Squad 11!

Ikkaku: He’s approaching the course and he - 

Ikkaku: ...

Ikkaku: He appears to be walking directly through the water.

Ikkaku: H-he just smashed the rolling thunder log to pieces!

Ikkaku: Did anybody tell him the rules??

Ikkaku: CAPTAIN NO

4. Komamura

Iba: And now it’s time for MY captain!

Iba: With his size and weight, it may be difficult for him to -

Ikkaku: Iba, look! He bounds across the floating steps with nimbleness and grace!

Iba: Yes! Perhaps he can do this!

Iba: ...

Iba: Or perhaps he will be too heavy and pull the rolling thunder log directly into the water.

Iba: Poor captain!

Iba: YOU DID AMAZING

5. Ichigo 

Ikkaku: Competing through special invitation, Ichigo has fallen on Bungee Road, leaving the crowd in shock! He’s now standing with Matsumoto - let’s see what he has to say!

Matsumoto: Ichigo! You didn’t quite complete the course - what happened?

Ichigo: It’s cool. I can never actually do anything until I fail a bunch of times first. Didn’t risk my life this time, unfortunately, which makes leveling up harder.

Ichigo: But I bet if I fail harder next time, I’ll gain the powers I need to complete the course!

Matsumoto: You, uh, know you only get one shot right?

Ichigo: ...

Ichigo: Oh.

6. Byakuya

Ikkaku: Such an impressive run from the Squad 6 captain!

Iba: He was definitely going for speed.

Iba: Running the entire course with no pause and no mistakes, he has nabbed the top spot with the course’s fastest time!

Ikkaku: He is definitely the one to beat now!

7. Yoruichi

Ikkaku: HOLY FUCK SHE JUST DEMOLISHED BYAKUYA’S TIME

Iba: I COULD BARELY SEE HER SHE WAS A BLUR - AND THIS WAS WITHOUT FLASH STEP

Ikkaku: Man, Yorucichi is incredible!

8. Ukitake

Iba: That HAS to be a new record, Ikkaku!

Ikkaku: I’m on the ear piece with the producers and yes! Yes it IS a record!

Ikkaku: Fainting before the first obstacle and rolling into the water is the fastest anyone has ever failed!

Iba: Let’s hear it for the Squad 13 captain!

9. Renji

Ikkaku: As sad as I am that Renji did not quite make it through the course, I have to say - kneeling on the ground in front of the Warped Wall and yelling at the heavens? Very dramatic.

Iba: Certainly a moment to replay after the break!

10. Hanataro

Iba: That was - wow! One of the few to actually complete the course this evening, even Hanataro looks shocked by his own success!

Iba: He’s standing by with Matsumoto!

Matsumoto: Hana, you did it! What got you through the course?

Hanataro: Well, uh, it was basically what I do every day.

Hanataro: Floating steps are like when you gave to jump through floating debris in the sewer. Bungee row is like when the old ladder collapses underneath you and you gave to hang on for dear life for hours. That sort of thing.

Matsumoto: So your terrible life allowed you to do well on Ninja Warrior?

Hanataro: I guess? [gives sad thumbs up sign]

Ikkaku: Well, Iba, looks like Squad 4 is useful after all!

11. Hitusgaya 

Iba: So close! But the diminutive Squad 10 captain can’t seem to quite make it over the Warped Wall!

Ikkaku: Being so short does make it incredibly difficult!

Iba: He’s made two attempts already. You can tell how tired he his from his heavy breathing and his....sword?

Iba: Wait a second, is he taller?

Ikkaku: BANKAI IS NOT ALLOWED

12. Rose

Ikkaku: Such style! Such grace!

Iba: Squad 3 Captain Rose Otoribashi definitely knows how to work the crowd!

Ikkaku: Striking poses after each obstacle - very classy!

Iba: Aaaaand he falls on the Salmon Ladder!

Iba: But, like, what a graceful fall!

Ikkaku: We will miss him!

13. Soi Fon

Iba: That was an incredible run, Ikkaku!

Ikkaku: Yes! Soi Fon’s incredible speed, strength, and agility allowed her to almost make that difficult course look easy! 

Iba: She’s with Matsumoto now!

Matsumoto: Soi Fon, what do you have to say about your fantastic run?

Soi Fon: Utter failure.

Soi Fon: I should have been able to beat Yoruichi-sama’s time.

Matsumoto: But you are the second fastest! That means you even beat Byakuya!

Soi Fon: So what? Anyone can do that.

Byakuya: EXCUSE ME

14. Yamamoto

Iba: The oldest competitor to ever compete on any version of this course ever, Head Captain Yamamoto is stepping up to the start of the course!

Ikkaku: And he’s - is he? - yes, he is taking off his shirt!

Iba: The crowd goes wild at the sight of the very unexpected rippling muscles!

Ikkaku: He’s breezing through the course! Look at him go!

Iba: Not as fast as some of our contestants, but he moves with such incredible purpose!

Ikkaku: He’s at the buzzer! He’s done it!

Iba: Ikkaku wait - he has a sign!

Iba: “That is how you do it, underlings.”

Ikkaku: That’s our head captain, for you!

15. Aizen

Iba: The crowd is still in shock!

Iba: For Aizen to not only fail, but also fail on the first obstacle? Unbelievable!

Ikkaku: And such a dramatic failure, too.

Ikkaku: He basically swan-dived into the water.

Ikkaku: Very dramatic and very -

Ikkaku: Wait a second! Aizen is at the buzzer! The failure was just an illusion!

Ikkaku: He completed the course after all!

Iba: ...