My mother says "what kind of person are you? I didn't raise you like that." when I can't control my emotions and acts up all defensive and she takes it personally and becomes angry and acts like a vistim, I wish to respond, "The child you failed. The child you said 'sorry' to but doesn't even remember nor understand your wrong doings." But chose not to. Because she'll turn it into me being in the wrong, as always.
That question hurts, because it made me feel like a failure of person. It hurts even more when it's not my parents who really raised me. It's the nannies that they've hired that raised me and my sibs. It's the nannies that accompany us for most of the daytime. I fucking cried when the nannies I liked have to resign and leave. I understand they have both to work to provide for us, but for her to say she raised us? Huh, I don't remember a single thing they taught us besides physical punishment, abandonment threats. And now that I'm an adult, it's guilt tripping, respect the elder and filial piety. I have put roof on your head, clothes on your body, food in the table, have you go to school etc. The usual. That's all I remember.
When I was a kid, I always expected things from my parents, but they're not always there. So I never beg them. I never beg, but I have to submit to their demands, because if i dont, i'll be punished. I'll be abandoned. Now that I'm an adult, That thought is still stuck with me and it feels horrible. And now it's her who keeps expecting things from us, and I can't do or give anything because my life is not stable yet. But whenever things doesn't go her way, she throws guilttrip and filial piety at us. And my dad would always side with her. ALWAYS.
With the internet, I've become more aware about mental health and mental conditions. About how the mentality affects how we react, respond, and feel. I won't expand more, it's midnight and have become more exhausted because of this outburst.
But if my mom ever ask again "what kind of person are you?" I wish to have the courage to answer "The child that tried to be a normal person that you expected them to be, but failed and can't function properly. because they might have an executive dysysfunction, that you too didn't notice, because you probably also weren't aware of such things. You may have know such knowledge when you've got access to the internet but have probably not linked it to me because you're asking me that question. And I'll try to forgive you for all the things and ways you've hurt me you were and weren't aware of, and wether or not I even remember those events to till this day."
For my piece of mind I'll try to forgive, but it's hard because I'm a hoarder, both physical, non physical, mental and emotional thisng. So i'm definitely holding grudges and grieviances. But I'll still try.
