So I'm reading this LGBT romance, Bromosexual by Daryl Banner. I always enjoy tongue-in-cheek titles, and tongue-in-cheek books. It's pretty good so far. One of the guys is gay; the other thinks he's straight, but isn't. They're at the point where they're having a sincere conversation about the not-so-straight guy's sexuality, 'cause it's obvious he's definitely sexually attracted to his friend, Ryan. And he's worried he's homophobic, 'cause he still doesn't think he's gay or bi, even after having sex with his male best friend. He honestly says he never related to the gay guys he'd known, but on the other hand, neither is he like the super sex-obsessed straight guys he knows, particularly 'cause he knows a lot of athletes and jocks. He's enjoyed straight sex, but hasn't had a serious relationship. He's like a perfect example of the romance novel and/or slash fic 'gay for you' stereotype.
They go a little further than some books like that, 'cause he says he used to actually think he was asexual (but I suppose he dismissed it 'cause he feels sexual interest sometimes). And although at first, Ryan had insisted that his friend Stefan was gay (or alternatively, bisexual), at that point he agrees with Stefan that maybe he doesn't need a label after all. Things aren't always black and white, are they? Why force it, right?
I don't know if they arrive at the idea of demisexuality eventually or if Stefan ends up identifying as gay in the end, which I know some demi and/or ace people do in real life. So Stefan may end up changing his mind in the future, theoretically, no matter where the story itself ends up. It's only been a few days at this point. Most people need way, way more time. This conversation is pretty early, all things considered. But given that it's called 'Bromosexual', I'm guessing the book doesn't choose to classify Stefan's 'grey' orientation by calling it grey-ace or demisexual. I don't even know if I'd be disappointed, 'cause even having an honest conversation is more than many books end up doing. It's unlikely that an average guy (of any persuasion) would have those kind of soul-searching talks with his friend *or* boyfriend, realistically. Although, well, Ryan is a school psychologist, so he should be more likely to initiate and/or sustain one than most.
All this *did* make me realize that there are actually many portrayals of male demisexuality out there, 'cause the gay-for-you trope is so very, very common. There's really no other way to look at it, at least for me: being sexually attracted only to the person you're super close to is what demisexuality literally means. Since almost all the stories with the gay-for-you trope have the main characters be way closer to one friend than any others, you can't really dispute it. Stefan may not be attracted to any other guys, but he's also not super close to any other guys. And then there's the fact that the only guy he maybe sort of also got attracted to, he was friends with. And nice as it is to talk about how not everything needs a label, basically I think that if you call gay people gay, there's no reason not to continue calling other things by name, too. Either everything has and needs a name, or nothing does. I'm not sure why I should really think that as soon as something becomes complex and difficult to figure out, the need for names and categories disappears. Surely it's *more* important to understand and name difficult things, rather than only the simple, black and white things. Honestly, if anything didn't need categorizing, surely it's the obvious.
You could talk about how the idea of someone only becoming gay because their friend is just that special is unrealistic, problematic or even truly negative for queer people or what have you, 'cause plenty of straight people have also had fears of being 'turned'. It's not as if queerness is actually contagious. But I don't really care about that angle, personally. Even though technically you could also solve this by calling your 'not gay' character 'queer'. Maybe it just hasn't been long enough for that usage to truly permeate and disperse far and wide enough to be broadly acceptable and accessible in fiction, although it seems like an out gay man living in the US like Ryan would be up to date with the umbrella usage of 'queer', even if he hasn't heard of demisexuality. I was actually a bit amazed a jock like Stefan even knew enough to consider his own asexuality. That's way further than most of these stories go, even in actual published LGBT fiction.
It's funny, 'cause there's definitely times demisexuality doesn't work as a label, and you should try for gay or bisexual. For example, with John Watson, given how repressed he is, yeah I'd still go for bisexual. It's one thing for a man to honestly admit they're not interested in guys that way, generally. (Though it becomes particularly damning if one doesn't generally have intense heterosexual romantic attachments either, like John.) But given that John has been so adamant, so messed up about his relationship to Sherlock... yeah, I wouldn't take any of what he says or perceives about himself at face value. Even if you accept John is actually straight, clearly he's not someone you can just believe to be honest to or about himself. While that isn't an excuse to project anything onto him as a character in an analysis, I'd say it's pretty apparent that there's something going on that he's repressing. Specifically about Sherlock. And well, demisexuality isn't about repression; it's more like a way to explain how some people may genuinely only like one person 'that way' and not dozens or hundreds, or what have you.
In *that* sense, I agree that labels are certainly tricky things, and ought to be used responsibly. You shouldn't just apply them willy-nilly, or assume they explain individual complexities where they only barely hint at them. I mean, in my opinion, the word 'gay' includes the full spectrum of behavior and attraction from hyper-sexuality to asexual homoromantic people (and more). At the same time, this breadth means any given label can't predict or explain all the aspects of a particular individual, necessarily. That's not what labels are *for*, anyway. Of course there are things there are no labels for. I mean, you could always make some, but they're certainly not always necessary. That's true.
But it's maddening to me how often characters (and people in real life) will have this conversation, like in Bromosexual, where either someone goes for the obvious or demisexuality and bisexuality are both more or less hand-waved away. I mean, I understand that demisexuality is an obscure idea, so I'm not very surprised or particularly upset about it. But bisexuality gets the same treatment in the media, and that *does* upset me. Bi erasure is real. There's enough public awareness of bisexuality that ignoring or dismissing it as a useless label it is *obviously* purposeful on some level. Or at least, whether or not a given writer meant it that way, this would still be part of a general social trend towards erasure. It's not some innocent, abstract concern about naming things that don't need a name. No, because bisexuality has a name. And it's dismissed and suppressed because people are uncomfortable. Even bisexual or otherwise queer people. And, you know, that's not OK. That's prejudice.
Anyway, I will admit that a lot of times it's awkward. A lot of people genuinely aren't comfortable with overly concrete things or into self-reflection. That's a personality quirk I'm definitely aware of. There are certainly well-meaning people with that personality quirk. There are other writers like Maggie Stiefvater, who wrote LGBT books with sympathetic and genuinely realistic portrayals of characters who're truly unlikely to use the word 'gay' at a certain point in time, let alone jumping straight to declaring themselves bisexual. However, these writers, no matter how well-meaning and realistic, are also being privileged by the people in power in society who're uncomfortable with queerness in general or bisexuality in particular. And I will also admit that many times, stories that do use labels are very self-conscious or self-important about it, and realistic characterization often suffers. I've seen plenty of explicit bisexual representation that worked for me, but I've only read one novel or fic with a believably self-aware demisexual character (Santino Hassell's Concourse). It's hard to do well, and I don't think it's always necessary; the Raven Cycle is a good example of a series that worked great without any labels.
I just think it's worthwhile to make that effort more often, that's all. I'm not a person that's particularly political about it, or insistent about seeing a certain kind of 'representation' by far. Still, how Stefan feels does have a name. Stefan is absolutely a bi demisexual. He's not the only one like that. In fact, he's a lot like me. And well, it'd be nice to have that acknowledged in the story. It would be nice to go all the way with bi and ace representation sometimes.
