#birthday asks

"breathes in" YOUR SUCH AN AWESOME WRITER!!! THANK YOU FOR HAVING A HAND IN WRITING ABSOLUTE PEAK!!! Late birthday gift for the CEO of gunshow!!! 😄 Happy late Birthday Starteas, your art and writing bring me so much joy!

MY BDAY TOMORROW PLS SEND ASKS PLS

+ REBLOG IF U WANNA PLLLEEEEAAASSSEE

The other day I was watching person of interest and got to the bit where John and Finch are giving Bear a bath and I'm not sure what it was about that scene specifically but I went I am seeing Johannes's Vision bc I know that you like engaging with disability in your work and also when two men have a fucked up little dynamic but the thing that really popped into place was like OH Harold is like Fussy and Particular in a way that feels really emblematic of your interests lmao

Send me asks for my birthday (May 30)

Thank you!!

RIGHT, like...

I've watched Person of Interest through a few times, it's been a piece of television that I've adored for years - I remember being so astonished when I first watched it, seeing what seemed like a really conventional piece of USAmerican shlock with an ex-soldier doing vigilante work and the question of Good Policing outside of the law...

But then seeing it develop on that basic thesis and going well-beyond like, basic copaganda shit, and instead having this genuinely complex exploration of and criticism of US American militarism, the police system, through the lens of horrific ideological surveillance, the ideas of public vs private identities, etc etc, to be a very prescient and interesting critique of government and statehood in the digital age?

Excellent stuff, obviously.

And I think part of the reason the show works so well is because you have John Reese as this incredibly paranoid and traumatised ex-soldier, ex-spy - the show obviously leans into him being vaguely straight whilst hinting at a more homoerotic intimacy with Harold as much as I think they thought they could get away with in the period, especially given Jim Caviezel's own views; Michael Emerson is obviously a lot more comfortable acknowledging it and discussing it a bit more explicitly.

The fact is that being a spy in the West is for queers and bisexuals and trannies, for Jews, for commies and socialists, etc, and always has been - you are a social chameleon and you are hiding and layering facts about yourself at the risk of death and destruction, and certain people in Western societies, in the US, the UK, France, Germany, have historically been from those subsets of society.

POI was very aware of that from the start, and so you have Reese as someone who outwardly is very rugged and straight and square, but in his quieter moments you get a real sense not just of his potential attraction to men and to the calm and security he gets from leaning into authority over himself and entrusting it to someone else, in part because of the fears and anxieties he has about his own masculinity, his capacity for violence and destruction, but to his own tenderness, his gentleness, his vulnerability.

Meanwhile, like, I was saying to Lorenzo as we've been watching through that what is crazy now as a disabled man with hip and lower back issues, I am watching Michael Emerson on screen, having watched this show many times before, and I am seeing him do a stiff-backed, careful, lilting walk that is identical to the one that I do now in my own home when I don't have my cane. I did not learn it from him. I watched him do it before I became this disabled, and as I became more disabled I ended up developing a similar gait, and now watching the show anew I'm seeing my pain and my disability reflected in his portrayal.

Which is just... It is so much subtler than the disability you see in your Greg House, your John Watson, your Kerry Weaver, because the fact that Harold doesn't use a mobility aid oddly means that many people don't think of him as disabled, even though the show is explicit and direct about regularly making reference to the fact that he cannot run, that he cannot climb or do physical tasks, that he's consistently in pain, etc.

ANd he is fussy! He is particular! Partly for his personality, partly for necessity!

And his intimacy with John and the way that you see him like... kean into his authority over this very strong and traumatised man, ordering him AND caring for him, fucking doting on him whilst holding his leash, doing what the US government never did for him, and also like... experiencing a fucking thrill at the power over him, and even seeing the same frightening thrill as the same one he experienced and does experience now over the Machine.

My birthday was both better and worse than what I expected. Someone that means a lot to me went out of his way to do something for me that was incredibly moving and meaningful. Left me feeling a little confused emotionally but overall incredibly thankful and touched. A few people that mean a lot to me completely forgot about me and I didn't hear from them or I did after someone else reminded them. That was a little hurtful. I got a bunch of cards and some gifts from people I worked with before my injury and the fact that these people are still thinking of me and being so generous to help me and my family while I'm unable to work is so humbling. My partner spent the entire weekend with me on the phone bc we couldn't be together. Preparing the same foods and watching old 80s movies with me and my favorite comfort shows. Plus the gift he sent me was a new goose stuffie I've been wanting for awhile and a few other private items. But just spending the time with him was really what I needed.

Dealing with turning the same age my mom was when she died was difficult. I had a few break downs. But I got through them. And the reality of it is, I only had to face it once. Now I've done that, I've gotten through it and it's over. I can let it go and begin the process of letting those thoughts go.

I had some of my favorite foods and had my favorite people around. And I'm alive. I came incredibly close to not making it to this birthday. Or the last. And I don't take that lightly. Not only am I alive but I'm in far better shape than anyone anticipated I would be after my injury. I have a lot to be thankful for. I may not always be able to tap into that feeling but I don't forget it about it.

For Betting Men…ooof that one hurt and was so well written. The layers and conflicting feelings of what Gale is going through in processing his past when faced with John and his like-but-unlike foils of his father and yet so really to gamble on John for what he wants despite his mixed feelings. Tell me more plzzzz! What does all this look like from Bucky’s pov? And how does he start finding out from Gale bits of his past?

Thanks for sending multiple!!

Thank you! I wound up throwing that one together relatively faster/more loosely than I usually do so I appreciate you saying it's well-written haha.

From Bucky's POV, he just thinks Gale is Neat and a little Peculiar. Like he's Odd, he's got weird reactions to certain things that shouldn't bother him and no reaction at all to things that leave other men shaking in their boots, but that's just Gale, he's always been the fae sort. He's a puzzle John would love to figure out, but also he doesn't feel particularly pressed to understand because well, Gale's just Gale. Buck's just Buck, anybody got a problem with that? (Nobody does, but he's a good guard dog anyway even after he realizes Buck doesn't actually need one, he can handle himself just fine). And Bucky LOVES that man for all his oddities and his quiet nature and his sudden inexplicable bouts of risk-taking that seem to come out of absolutely nowhere and the way sometimes he looks at Bucky like being near him is killing him but like he also can't stand to be anywhere else. Sometimes Gale looks at him like he's touching a hot stove and purposely leaving his hand there to let it get burnt, and John doesn't know why he stays but he's not going to ever question it just in case it makes Gale learn to doubt him, when that's the last thing he ever wants.

As for actually finding out bits of Gale's past, I think it happens very, very slowly in drips and drabs, and for years John only learns as much as he does because he's paying such close to attention to Gale, always, to pick up the little hints he drops rather than Gale telling him anything outright (see: the 'you sound like my dad, John' scene when they're already stationed in England, years after they met! Gale's still revealing bits of himself to John well into their ride-or-die relationship, and that's fascinating to me).

Anyway, so rather than just saying what happened, instead it's an errant comment one night when the men are a little too pushy about getting Gale to drink with them because doesn't he want to know how it tastes, isn't he curious? and Gale says he's had plenty of tastes and sure it's fine but he's given it up, sticking to it but thanks anyway, now leave him alone. And then some time later it's another seemingly innocuous comment, that yeah Gale can do just about any work that needs doing because as a boy he just had to learn to, and folks didn't always pay him in cash, he got paid plenty in promised favors and trinkets and swapping service-for-service, so why would he think twice about trading a quick bike repair (or whatever) for first pick of the next batch of novels that comes in (or whatever)? And John dutifully collects all these breadcrumbs of Gale's Before and tries to fill in all the blanks using just those and some pretty big assumptions, but even that takes years, even as the man Gale's closest to in the whole world, even after they become lovers.

Gale's not necessarily hiding what he dealt with before they met, he just doesn't see why any of it matters when it's all in the past and he's got John now and he's not in Wyoming anymore and none of it is ever going to find its way back to him, it'll never hurt him again. PTSD, what's that? Trauma, what's that? Why are we asking about his childhood, what does it matter? All fathers beat their sons and use them as collateral, all mothers let it happen because they're tired and don't know what else to do, all children escape home as soon as they're able to either die or never look back, why are you looking at him like that? Is it something he said? ANYWAY

Speaking of which... It has been a while, hasn't it? And you'd go really nice with some cake or icecream~ So, I hope you don't mind me slurping you up :3

hehehehe hooray!!!