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its me and my one hundred dollars' worth of burgers that i bought bc i am manic and stressed and wanting to blow up my life and thought food would fix it against the world.
Having bipolar disorder for Beth is a lot like being forced to ride a roller-coaster that she never wanted to be on in the first place. Bouts of hypomania or mania is often a slow uphill climb, gradual increases in her confidence and well being. She hardly notices the shift. How bright her eyes become with their fevered glow, how pleasant and agreeable ~and some would say, easily led~ she tends to be, fascinated by everything and craving to ruin the experiences before her. In those moments, she almost doesn't think she needs anything else but her current obsession.
It takes a week or so for her mood to stabilise with the help of her medication, which she might liken to the top of the crest. She never really knows how long she'll have that steady view, but she does try to hold onto it for as long as she can.
It's the next part that she absolutely loathes to the core of her being. The inevitable fall. It comes screaming fast. Mach Jesus as Jay or Andy would call it though she isn't the type to really blaspheme, the downward slide. Instead of the butterflies in her brain that flit from thought to thought, she's reminded of everything she's done wrong or is incapable of doing. Simple things that are easy even for children. How truly insignificant she is in the universe, how much better it would be if her brother had lived and she hadn't ever existed. Too much noise in her head, too heavy a heart to carry. All she can do is crawl into the deepest and warmest place she can find and try to sleep. If she's lucky, and that's rarer than hen's teeth, she can do so without dreams.
There's nothing anyone can do. And there's some small part of her that reminds her to keep her distance as she changes her scheduled perscription. She doesn't want him to see her sick to her stomach, emptying its contents into a bucket. She doesn't want him to see her shivering and sweating in turns while everything aches. This isn't the Beth she wants him to ever really know. This isn't the Beth she wants to be.
Guilt, her most constant and dutiful companion. She knows it had been bad. That she'd gone up and up and up and Ron had been left to watch from the ground ~the actual reality of their lives together~ and hold down the fort. She hopes he had no dismay, that he doesn't hold any harsh epiphanies; she hadn't been herself. And while Ron had been an absolute treasure, encouraging her to get some rest, she could only lay in the bed with Topper her companion but the tossing and turning was uncomfortable for both girl and dog.
She comes creeping out of the bedroom on near silent feet. Her pale gold shadow following with a quiet tick-tack behind her.
She settles under one heavy arm ~Ron can hold her down, keep her from floating away into the stars~ and greets him, or so she thinks. It may not have even been words. Sometimes just the bones of them, a softer and silkier version of his own subtle vocalisations she doesn't know for sure he realises escape him.
He breathes for them both. She can hear that sound from deep in his chest, the source of it, like a hotspring burbling up to send warmth through her. To lull her with that non sound, his gravel and his care. Like the lullaby goes it makes her feel like she's being rocked in the secure hammock of his voice and her lashes flutter glacial in the slowness until they don't.
She doesn't know how long she slept. Whether it was hours or days or centuries. When she stirs though, she can see the light from the window is slanted in a different way than when she dozed off. The settee was exchanged once more for the bed, and though the disorientation of that could have been a nightmare in and of itself, when she turns her head....she finds the wall of his chest.
A page turns. He's reading.
She shifts her gaze up.
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Summary: By the time Y/n hears a knock at her door, the effects of the alcohol have waned to barely a buzz. The feeling of fluctuating emotions however has not.
Word Count: 4.2k
Warnings/Genre: nsfw/18+, minors do not interact, alcohol, smut, biting, sex with friends, noncon but in the form of one partner not knowing the other is drunk/in an altered state, manic-depressive state/mental health warning, mentally unwell reader, i swears there’s fluff too
a/n: I was mentally unwell when I wrote this I’m sorry. At least it’s kinda hot? Part of it?
Part 7: 2:14am
Coffee and alcohol might be your drinks of choice tonight, but they don’t always mix well for you. No. Sometimes it's a terrible combo. Like playing with fire in a dry field. A combination that leads to, well, this. Making insecurities and self deprecation come out. Making you crave something exciting, energized by the ideas that fly through your mind. And tonight, the impulse to take someone home crossed with a sadness that begs to be alone.
That’s how you find yourself outside this lively club, stumbling drunk across the cold, hard concrete beneath your feet. No man or woman by your side to cling to. Just you traversing the street, trying to find where you left your car.. How many bars ago?
Finding the white Subaru parked along a crowded street a couple blocks down, you open the door and fall into the seat. The door slams closed behind you, making you jump from the sound and grit your teeth in annoyance. Your phone hits the passenger seat, keys slide in the ignition, and your forehead hits the steering wheel with a thud - though you’re not entirely sure of the order those things happen. The engine roars and you lean back into the seat with a huff. You rub your eyes with one hand as frustration wells up in you while the other blindly smacks around the seat beside you for your phone. A few swipes and taps, and you’ve ordered an Uber to get you home instead. You gaze out the windshield with a whimper, agitation and sadness mixing like the many cocktails you’ve downed this evening.
Home. You’re home. Stumbling into your apartment, it’s pitch black and silent. Too dark, too quiet.
You kick off your shoes, nearly falling in the process, and dump anything you were carrying on the table next to the front door - keys missing and hitting the wood flooring. That must have been enough to stir Indigo as you can hear the metal of his crate rattle in the kitchen.
“Hey baby,” you call out to Indigo as you bypass the kitchen, heading straight to the living room.
What am I going to do now?
Pacing the room unsteadily, you send a text.
>> To Ryuu: “you up?”
Then another.
>> To Kogane: “come over?”
Then another.
>> To Keishin: “heyyy wanna come over?”
Until you’ve lost count of the messages. So that was what Ryuu, Keishin, Kogane, Aone..
Anything but be alone.
>> From Yuki: “fuck you”
Ah, Yuki. She’s surprisingly quick to reply, though the reply was less than unexpected.
You lean back against a wall, chewing your lip as something bubbles up in your chest. Your head is spinning, but you’re not so sure it’s from the drinks.
You weren’t about to text Wakatoshi, and as far as you know Satori is with him tonight. So that’s a no go. They’ll just want to talk things out anyway and that’s the last thing you want right now.
>> From Kogane: “u ok? nobu said you messaged him too”
>> From Aone: “everything okay?”
Ugh. Of course they’d take that the wrong way.
You send quick texts to the Date Tech grads to dismiss their worries and ask them to ignore the text.
I’m fine.
>> From Keishin: “not this time sweetheart”
With a groan, you slide down the wall until your butt hits the floor and let your head fall against your knees. Keishin felt like a desperate attempt, but you thought he’d welcome the invitation as per usual.
But it’s whatever, right? You just need something to keep you busy is all. What if you take up painting or writing; you’re sure there’s paint around here somewhere. Something like that sounds like fun, but do you have the motivation to move from your living room floor to find something? No.
Normally, you’d hear from Ryuu by now. Even a scolding at the very least.
You check the time.
2:14am. He’s probably asleep.
Sitting there, you wrap your arms around your legs and rest your head on your knees. Something will come along and hold you down, grounding you.
Your phone lights up and vibration follows. Looking up from your knees and over at the screen, you see Kyoutani calling you. Without much thought, you pick it up, accepting the call.
“You know it’s 2 in the morning, right?” His voice doesn’t sound all that tired given the time.
You hum. “Yeah. Though, I guess I didn’t check the time until after I sent that..”
There’s a brief pause before he speaks again. “Why are you awake anyway?”
“Well.. I don’t know. Can’t sleep. Don’t wanna be alone.”
There’s some mumbling or something from his end and you sigh, letting your head fall back to hit the wall with a thud. “Erm. Sorry. I’ll just-“
“Do you want me to come over or not?”
“Hm? Yeah.” You blink away what dizziness remains from the liquor.
“You're a neighborhood over from Kanji’s, right?”
“I- Yeah,” you stare into the darkness of your home. Did you mention that before or was that Koganegawa?
Probably Kogane.
“Um, I’ll send you my address.”
And off you go to clean yourself up and remove any evidence of your recent outing. That’s all the motivation you need to move from the floor.
By the time you hear a knock at your door, the effects of the alcohol have waned to barely a buzz. The feeling of fluctuating emotions however has not. At least you’re not dizzy and tripping over your own feet now. You pass as sober.
Opening the door that you forgot to lock, you’re greeted with the sight of the man you were waiting for. You step to the side to let him in and give him a hushed, “Hey.”
“Hey,” he whispers back.
You perk, tilting your head at the unusual volume from him. “Oh! Um, my roommate isn’t home. Uh, we don’t gotta be quiet.”
“What did you want?” The question sounds harsh, but you know he doesn’t mean it that way. He always has that tone after all that matches his natural scowl.
To feel normal again.
Only the streetlights shining through the open curtains give the room enough light to navigate through. You reach for his hands, but they must be in his pockets. Energy is reverberating in your chest and up to your head, and you feel the need to do something. Grabbing his arms, you can feel defined muscle through the sleeves of his jacket. You pull him forward making him instinctively throw his hands forward as well, landing on your waist.
What am I thinking? He’s a friend..
The space between you eliminated, you press your lips to his, hands moving to his chest and pushing him roughly to the wall. It doesn’t take long for the hands gently resting on your waist to squeeze you close as he kisses you back with the same energy, just as you hoped he would. You give his bottom lip a few kitten licks before biting down, and you feel a hand moving to your nape as he deepens the kiss. By the time you pull back, you’re breathless. Though failing to see into his eyes with the darkness of the room, you assume you would see the same desire you know is in yours. Grasping his shirt and stepping back, you pull him your way until he gets the hint to follow you away from the front door.
I need this.
You waste no time pushing into your room, a hand dragging Kyoutani by the wrist behind you. Throwing the door closed with one hand, you're reaching for him with the other, pulling him into another kiss. This time he's the one pushing you back, the sound of your back meeting the hard surface of the door rings in the back of your mind. Arms around his neck, you pull him closer, making him melt into the kiss. Fingers slip under his jacket at the shoulders, slipping it down his biceps until he moves his arms to let it fall freely from his solid frame. With the leather gone your hands slide from his arms to his chest and down his stomach, feeling more of his athletic build beneath the thin material left covering his torso. Soon too, it's flying across the room as you yank it up as high as you can before he pulls it off the rest of the way, the chains around his neck jiggle as they fall back to his broad chest, and the sound is music to your ears.
Lips graze the shell of your ear as he growls low, “Am I the only one losing clothes here?”
Nimble fingers trace down to his belt, quickly unfastening it. “No.”
Gripping the hem of your shirt, he pulls it over your head, dropping it to the side and revealing there’s nothing underneath. Taking half a step back, he admires you, tongue flicking out to wet his lips.
You take the opportunity to walk around him to the bed, slipping off your shorts and underwear on the way before turning to face him as you sit down.
It’s too dark to know for sure, but you swear there’s a dusting of pink across his cheeks. You smirk and wave him over. “Are you just going to stare at me from there? When you could be over here?”
He carefully steps your way. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”
Now you’re the one getting flustered. “You can barely see me.” You reach beside you and throw a pillow at him playfully.
He catches it, of course.
And you can’t really say you’re all that surprised when he throws it back, whacking you in the head.
You giggle as you toss it back to the headboard. Looking back to Kyoutani, you see he’s now right in front of you. Standing there, towering over you as his jeans hang low on his hips thanks to you taking care of his belt only a moment ago. You lick your lips, reaching out to take care of his pants next when his hands reach you first, pushing back onto the bed.
Next thing you know, he’s climbing on top of you and kissing your lips, then along your jaw. You hum happily until your legs connect with his clothed ones. “Ack! Get those off!”
“M’kay, m’kay.” His voice vibrating against your throat as he trails open mouthed kisses down to your shoulder. Face in your neck, he kicks off the rest of his clothes. “Better?”
Without giving you a chance to properly respond, he nips up and down your neck and shoulder before biting at the junction, pulling a needy moan from you. You wrap your arms around his neck, holding him there. You nearly whimper when you ask him to do it again, to which he obliges and bites the same spot again, making pain radiate deliciously.
You thought you would be spending the night being mercilessly railed into the mattress, but Kyoutani is surprisingly soft with you. He looks the type to be aggressive in bed, and elsewhere, and really that’s what you’ve been dying for. But his gentle touch is intoxicating in its own way, keeping you captivated.
Kyoutani Kentarou is a gentle lover, the thought plays in the back of your mind. Even farther back in your mind is the raging emotions that have held you at their mercy for too long, currently not a bother to you. The only thing that has your attention now is this man’s soft touches and slow pace, dragging across all the right places in ways words cannot describe. Mouthing at any part of you he can get a hold of, growling and groaning into your skin as you call out each other’s names between harsh breaths.
“Kyou- Kyou, please,” you whine and sink your teeth into his shoulder, ripping a moan from him as you try to ground yourself enough to finish begging. “Please- Kyou-“
His name dripping from your tongue lustfully sounds more beautiful than he would have expected. Grabbing your hips, he picks up the pace as he grinds you against his rhythm in a way that has you seeing stars until you’re both spilling over the edge.
Panting and delirious, you stare up at the familiar ceiling. Kyoutani’s head laying heavy on your chest as you both come down from your high.
When your breathing evenings out, you wrap your arms around his shoulders and neck, rubbing your nose into his short hair with a satisfied hum. He mumbles something, but you have no idea if what he’s saying is actual words.
He shifts so that he’s sitting beside you. Rubbing your thighs soothingly, his dark eyes slide up to yours. He doesn’t exactly have the happiest look on his face, but compared to the usual you think this might be the closest thing you’ll see.
“Can I get you anything? Water, a snack?”
“Mm, nah.”
He gives one of your thighs a light squeeze and stands, reaching for his discarded boxers. “Well, I’m at least getting us water.”
When he comes back with two glasses in hand, there’s a hint of excitement in his features. “You have a dog?”
You roll to your side, half sitting up and reaching a hand out. “Oh. Yeah. He’s my baby.”
He gives you a glass and drinks from his own. “If he’s your baby, then why is he in a cage in your kitchen?”
“Well, there’s not a lot of room for such a big crate here. So that’s where it fits. And it’s like his bedroom, ya know? His own personal space.” You gulp from your cup and set it aside. “Plus, we crate trained him when he was little for his safety and our sanity.”
“Is he in there every night?”
“Mostly yeah. Sometimes I’ll let him sleep with me, but I don’t want to break the habit of ‘crate time equals bedtime’, so not too often. Plus, he hogs the bed.” You lay back down on your side. “His name is Indigo.”
Kyoutani moves to join you, crawling in behind you and pulling the covers over you both.
“Like the color? Is he blue?” He teases, the slight change in tone brings warmth to your ears.
“No.” You laugh, but roll your face into the pillow, thinking your voice won’t be clear enough to hear, “I was.”
He snakes an arm around your waist and pulls you close, your back to his chest and legs tangle under sheets. You can feel his breathing, now slowed to a normal tempo, as he nuzzles his face into your nape.
You lay there comfortably together. The warmth of his embrace has you feeling unbelievably calm, which comes as a surprise to you.
What does this mean?
“..Hey,” curiosity and your nagging mind pokes at you in the silence, “Why were you up anyway?”
His fingers drag light circles on your skin. “I’m always up late.”
He hums. “I’m sure it’s really late now. Try to get some rest, Y/n.”
Nodding, you close your eyes.
You wake up to the sound of your alarm chiming from your phone on the bedside table. Reaching for it lazily, you fail to grab it, a few inches short of it being in your grasp. Because something’s got you tethered by the waist to your spot in bed.
Pulling your hand back from the unreachable phone, you bring it to the arm that has you anchored in place. Your sleepy brain takes a moment to register the situation, so you turn to see who’s sharing your bed.
A sound asleep Kyoutani, looking so peaceful and calm. Very much so in contrast to the expression he wears while awake. You smile at the sight.
Eyes sliding down his sleeping frame, the sunlight bleeding through the curtains gives you a much better view of him than you got last night. You take in every curve of muscle under his golden skin, right down to the dark hair that disappears under the sheets draping over his hips.
The warm feeling in your chest fades as you feel anxiousness crawl up your throat. Your new friend is in your bed, and your thoughts wander as you think of how this could affect your new friendship. You already know how things changed with Keishin after having him in this position, though he’s your boss and you weren’t exactly friends beforehand.
A heavy exhale snaps you back to reality and in a panic you turn back to face away from him. His arm around you tightens and he mumbles incoherently.
Still asleep?
The alarm is still chiming from your phone, but the delay in hitting snooze has it ringing louder and vibrations have joined it as well, making it rattle against the hard surface.
Won’t be for long..
You grimace at the harsh sound and lurch forward to grab it, but once again fail with Kyoutani’s death grip around your center. You grab his hand to pry yourself free, but suddenly his grip loosens and his arm is slipping away. You glance over your shoulder to see the man blinking sleepily.
“Shit,” you mutter, finally getting your phone in your hand and turning off the alarm. You give your friend an apologetic look. “Sorry..”
He takes a moment. Peering at you, around the room, and at the sunlit curtains. “What time’s it?”
The deep baritone of lingering slumber in his voice has a shiver running down your spine. You shake it off rather than entertaining the idea of another round.
“Oh, uhm. Like 7. Probably ‘bout 10 after now.” You glance at the time.
A low grumble escapes his throat, but otherwise no reply comes.
You sit up, bringing a blanket up to cover your breast in the process as if your friend hasn't already seen them. You look around the room awkwardly, not sure what to do from here. Normally, you would kick out Keishin or any other guests by now, but that doesn’t feel right this time.
“You have work?”
“Huh?” You look at Kyoutani. Soft expression gone, a tired version of his usual scowl in its place.
“Your alarm. Why else would you be waking up at 7 when you went to sleep so late? You only got like.. 3 or 4 hours of sleep.” Even with furrowed brows and a frown, he’s eyes have this glint to them when he’s not blinking sleep away.
“Oh.. I, uh, forgot to change my alarm last night.” Even with such little sleep you’re feeling wide awake. “I don’t work ‘til like noon.”
“Hmph.” He folds his hands, sandwiching them between the back of his head and the pillow. “I have practice with the guys today. My alarm should be going off soon too.”
You sit quietly, looking at him. Trying to think of something to do to keep yourself from feeling awkward. And you know what, your puppy deserves to be let out since you’re up. “I, uh, should probably let Indigo out.”
“Indigo,” the way his face scrunches in thought has you holding back a grin, “Your dog?”
“Uh, yeah.” You turn your back to him, placing your feet on the ground as you sit at the edge of the bed. Peeking behind you, you ask, “Wanna see him?”
Something sparkles in his eyes.
You raise a brow curiously. “I can bring him in here. Just a sec.”
You throw something on that you find on the floor, likely what you were wearing last night. On the off chance Tendou is home already, and possibly his boyfriend, you thought you better put on some clothes before you leave your room.
The apartment is quiet. No trace of your roommate in sight. You quickly patter to the kitchen and open the dog crate. Indigo happily climbed out, tail wagging and practically smiling at his master. You softly call for him to follow you as you make your way back to the bedroom.
Indigo loves people. As far as he’s concerned no one is a stranger. That said, he doesn’t hesitate to jump onto the bed and greet your.. Well, Kyoutani.
“Indigo. Lay down,” you command your dog who’s practically on top of the blond and giving him kisses. He quickly obeys, laying next to the man instead with eyes on you.
“Sorry,” you start to apologize for your dog, but stop when you catch Kyoutani smiling at Indigo. You’re not sure that you’ve ever seen him smile before.
Guess he likes dogs.
Scratching the german shepherd, he looks up to you. His smile has faded but some evidence lays in the corners of his lips and the light in his eyes. “Don’t worry about it. He’s just saying hello.”
“Hm. Yeah.”
Soon enough Kyoutani really did need to leave. You follow him to the door, and before he can walk out - Tendou walks in.
Red eyes flick between you and the unexpected guest as he steps through the door. “Why hello there~”
Before the door can shut, Kyoutani catches it, eyeing the other man.
“Oh! Uh, this is my roommate, by the way.” You give him an awkward smile. You had hoped Tendou wouldn’t arrive home before last night’s hookup left. “See you around?”
“Yeah. See ya,” he says as he walks out, door closing behind him.
Which means it’s just you and Satori now.
And the knowing look on his face.
Sighing, you head to the kitchen. “I don’t know about you, but I could use some coffee.”
You’re stopped in your tracks when a pair of hands grab your shoulders. And you sigh louder.
“Maybe - just maybe - we should skip the morning brew for once, eh?” His voice comes out cheerful, but you know. You know there’s only one reason he’d deny you coffee this early. The same reason you should be denying yourself coffee after last night.
“Satori, I’m tired,” you lie, hoping to distract the man and yourself.
“Oh, I bet you are.” The hands on your shoulders steer you to the living room.
Groaning internally, you let him direct you to a seat. He’s quick to plop down next to you.
You arch a brow. “Have a good night with Toshi?”
He grins devilishly. “Of course~”
“Hey, where’s my baby?” He looks about the room.
“He’s got a chewy toy in my room. Probably in my bed right about now.”
He hums and rests his chin in his palm, elbow on the arm of the sofa.
“Oh, girl.” He clicks his tongue trice. “That was a new one. Please don’t tell me you work with this one too.”
There it is.
“You make it sound like I sleep with all of my coworkers.” You cross your arms with a huff, falling back into the chair.
“Hmm. Well, I guess Sawamura is engaged. And your other bestie is into Shimizu, so he’s off the table, right? I’d say Takinoue is too old for your taste, but isn’t he Keishin’s age-“
“Please stop. No, I don’t work with Kyoutani, alright?”
Tendou squints at the name, finding it vaguely familiar. “Kyoutani..”
Letting your head fall back with another huff, you look at the ceiling. “What’s worse - a boss turned fuck buddy or customer? Er, one night stand, I guess. Or something.”
“He’s a customer?!”
“Well, I met him by working on his car. Then we kinda became friends.” You fidget in your seat, skin starting to buzz. You need to stand soon, but you figure you should entertain Tendou a little longer. “I’m just hoping he still comes around after this.”
Tendou hums softly, eyes locked on you and your movements. “So.. Are you wanting to date this one or something?”
You stop, the humming under your skin momentarily stopping as well. That certainly wasn’t the idea. But he is interesting. You lean over, hiding your face in your arms. “Satori, I don't know what I want right now. Like in any context.”
The same grin as earlier creeps his features again. “So, this a one time occurrence.. or are you not bringing home Keishin anymore, hm?”
You groan, “Tori, please.”
The mischievous look fades into a fascinated one. “Hm, well.. He seems your type.”
You roll your eyes. “What ‘cause he’s another volleyball player?”
His head snaps to you. “He is?! Remind me not to take to any of Toshi’s games. You know what, I’ll tell Koganegawa his games are off limits too. I’m sure he doesn't want you bringing home his teammates.” He laughs and wiggles his eyebrows at you. “Or rivals.”
You huff, rolling your eyes again. But then you look off into space, because..
Kogane’s teammate..
Tendou must have caught you drifting from your little chat, because he's leaning over into your field of vision now. “Y/n?”
You blink at him before responding to the redhead. “Oh, uh.. It’s nothing.”
Red eyes squint at you and he hums, but he doesn't pry. “Alrighty then.. Want breakfast? Have work? Is that why you chased him off so early?”
“I didn't chase him off. He has prac- He has work.” You sigh, standing from your seat. “And I do too, but not for a couple hours still.”
He squints even more at you, eyebrows furrowed. The silent stare feels off coming from him, but suddenly his expression morphs into his usual bright one. “I have a bunch of eggs to use up, so I hope you’re in the mood for them.”
Gonna update my rules tomorrow when I get on but I just want it to be known that if you openly mock bipolar and any other mental illness, I'll hardblock. As someone who suffers every single day with bipolar / manic depression, it's offensive and won't be tolerated.
/// bipolar disorder sucks and I have been in a depression spiral for so long... hope I get out of it soon cause I miss writing and my partners and friends so much 🥺
