#billy eillish

“Billie, it’s okay, I’m not mad.” She says, setting the coffee mug down.

I sink into the soft, cushiony sofa, covering myself up more with the blanket. I know she’s tired of my antics. I know she’s tired of me hiding stuff from her. This is just another surprise from me to her. I hate myself.

She looks into my eyes intently, “I mean it.” A small smile curls the corners of her lips slightly. “It never happened.”

I rub my face, too frustrated to keep spewing bullshit. I need to drop the act and be real with her. I can’t keep hiding.

“No, Rem…” I sigh, “I can’t act like it didn’t happen, because it happened. I’m sorry it came out the way it did. That’s… not at all how I wanted you to find out…”

“Why didn’t you come to me sooner?” She tilts her head, trying to understand. She looks betrayed, like it’s some exclusive secret. The newest hot gossip around town.

“Well, Rem, because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. I wanted things to stay the same, I didn’t want you to be weirded out… I didn’t want you to see me differently.”

She stops me from ranting further, “Billie, how could you think I’d see you differently?”

“I didn’t want to get hurt.” My eyes begin to water and I can feel a burn in the back of my throat. I swallow to keep my tears at bay.

“Billie, you know I love you, no matter what.” She furrows her brows, noticing my glossy eyes.

“I know, Rem. But, not in the way want you to love me…”

“How would you have known that?” She says, not even entertaining the fact that I just basically admitted to loving her.

“I figured.” I shrug. “I wish I could’ve told you sooner, and not right after puking everywhere.” My face twists in disappointment. I take my hair out if it’s bun and brush it away from my face, messing with a strand, curling it around my finger.

“How long?” She doesn’t take her eyes off me, making me more nervous than I should be. I hate feeling like this.

“A long time…” Is all I can say.

“Hey,” she picks up my face with her thumb and index finger. “Stop being like that. It’s okay, it’s just me.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem.” I roll my eyes, avoiding eye contact. “I just wish I went about it differently.” I’ve thought about that moment for years, and I minimized it to one stupid drunken kiss. I barely even remember what I said before it.

Her sincere eyes burn holes into the side of my face. “Why don’t you re-do it? Try again. Like it never happened!”

“I don’t want things to be… awkward between us.”

“They don’t need to be!” Her expression is velvety soft, her lips forming a slight smile again. “Seriously, pretend it’s the perfect timing and you’re ready to tell me. I can close my eyes if you want me to…” She shuts her eyes.

I breathe out a small laugh, “No, it’s okay you can open them.” I grip onto my blanket, taking a deep breath.

Remy sits patiently, waiting for me to open up, but a strong feeling in my heart tells me this isn’t right.

“Wait.”

“What’s wrong?” She tilts her head.

“Not here. It smells like coconut juice and vodka.” I shiver at the thought of more alcohol entering my body anytime soon. Ugh.

“Oookay… Where?”

“Come with me.” I jump up from my seat, the perfect idea surging through my brain, as I shove a few large blankets under my arm.

She follows me out the front door, into the bright, overcast beach front. We make our way down to the sand, where I start my search for the perfect seashore spot.

I finally set down the blankets, laying them out perfectly over the white sand, burying each corner so the wind doesn’t blow them away. I signal her to take a seat, where she watches me contemplate for a few seconds.

The cool morning air blows, and the perfect breeze gifts us just the right amount of ocean spray. Remy’s wavy hair floats around perfectly, framing her face in my favorite way. The sound of the strong ocean waves fill in for my lack of words, as I try to muster up the most flawless way to tell her how lost I get in the radiance of her eyes.

She looks out at the shoreline, following it as it foams and gets closer to us, then retreats back to the deep blue.

“Remy… There’s something I need to tell you.” I start my re-do.

“Tell me.” She gives me her undivided attention. Her eyes are pure and gentle, and before I freeze up, I take her warm hands in mine. She gently squeezes them, letting me know she’s here, and she’s not going anywhere.

I swallow hard, nervous but determined to give her back the moment I ruined last night.

“For years….” I clear my throat, “I wondered why I couldn’t just enjoy my time with you, without the constant fear of when it was going to be over. I’ve always hated endings, so at sleepovers, when we were younger, I’d always be the last to stay up, and get mad at you when you wanted to go to sleep early.”

She lets out a small laugh, knowing exactly what I’m talking about.

“And I think I did that, because I wanted to spend every second possible with you, before you had to go home. Even if I’d see you later that week again, anyway. I just didn’t want my time with you to… end.”

A strong breeze blows right through our bodies, giving us both chills.

“When we got older, I started to understand that feeling more. And I realized, that I only felt that way with you. No one else I’ve ever been with had a hold on me the way you do. There was never that urge to take advantage of every moment. It was always you. So, maybe I’m not afraid of endings. I think I’m just afraid of our ending.”

I pause for a moment because my eyes start to tear up, and she rubs the top of my hands with her thumbs. I look down at our hands, and continue.

“Remy, none of our fights were your fault. I acted like that because I’ve had such crazy feelings for you for the longest time, and it wasn’t fair to hold you to a standard you didn’t even know about.”

“Billie, it’s not your—“ she starts, but I stop her before she can even apologize. It isn’t her fault. She had no clue.

“No, Remy. Really, I expected you to know how I feel, without having the balls to communicate with you. It was wrong, and there’s no excuse, and I’m sorry.”

She nods, understanding now, and putting all the pieces together in her mind.

“The truth is, you’re all I think about. I spend way too much time figuring out a way to include you in every aspect of my life. I freak out inside every time we fight because I’m so scared to lose you, and every stupid thing I’ve done to keep you near me, only resulted in you pushing me away. This is so fucking lame, but all I want to do is take care of you, and you just think I want to control you. I get it… I do, I understand why. Hopefully now, you understand my reason why.”

She nods, letting me know she hears me.

“I love you, Remy. I’m in love with you.” A couple tears fall down my cheek but I catch them with my shoulder before they drop.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. And I’m sorry I don’t have a thousand flowers, or a fancy reservation somewhere, and I look like shit, and I threw up everywhere last night, and then kissed you after. God, that’s so embarrassing!” I cringe at myself.

She laughs a bit, shaking her head, then looks out at the waves again.

“I hope we can still be friends. But I understand if it’s too much.” I add.

After spilling my heart out, I sit quietly, bracing for impact again. This time, instead of analyzing her facial expressions or overthinking, I just let her speak. I’ve been rambling for too long.

“Billie, relax, I’m not weirded out… At all, I promise.”

“You promise?” I lift a brow, unsure how things would ever be the same again.

“Yeah, I pinky promise.” She nods.

“And you swear things can go back to the way they were?” I fidget with the edge of the white, crochet blanket.

“Is that what you want?” She asks, her glimmering eyes looking into my soul.

I nod, “Well, yeah… I don’t want things to be different now.”

“Well…. I don’t know…” She says, without breaking eye contact.

“Oh.” I nod, “I understand. I’m sorry.”

I look away, my heart dropping intensely, aching as it hits every corner of my body on its way down. I feel like I’ve lost the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Before going through all stages of grief, she stops me in my tracks, the way she always does, right before I jump off the edge.

“If things stayed the same… Then I couldn’t do this…”

I watch carefully as she crawls over to me, until we’re face to face. Without thought, she collides her lips onto mine. I could feel a Remy signature smile through our kiss, sending an electric shock through my entire body, giving me chills. The goosebumps on my arms remind me I have control of them, so I use them to hold her close.

She pulls away for a few short seconds, only to see the look in my eyes, then fills the space between us again, once she realizes that this is all I’ve wanted for years.

Losing our balance, she leans down onto the blanket below us. I plant my hand firmly underneath her, so she doesn’t hit the ground hard, and she pulls me on top of her. She runs her fingers through my matted hair and tugs softly at the roots.

For the first time ever, I feel like she needs me. Like she wants me. There is nothing I’ve wanted or needed more than her wanting and needing me.

She pulls away, seemingly content with herself.

I’m in complete and utter awe. I feel like I’m being punk’d.

“K. Where are the hidden cameras?” I look around jokingly, avoiding reality.

Remy laughs, “Stop it.”

“You kissed me!” I laugh, confused but the happier than ever.

“Well, yeah, it was my turn! You’ve already kissed me like two or three times.” She laughs, all-knowingly.

A shy, but real smile takes over my face. It’s hard for me to speak, but I do my best to mutter words good enough for her not to change her mind.

“I had no idea you—“

“…So, you love me, huh?” Remy interrupts, a smirk on her face and her cheeks glowing red.

I breathe out a laugh, looking down at my lap, “I’ve loved you for a while, Remy. I don’t know how you couldn’t tell.”

“Well, you’re very good at hiding stuff from me.” She lifts her brow, crossing her arms.

“Well, so are you!” I smack her arm.

“I know. That’s my fault for not telling you.” She uncrosses her arms.

As I sit before her, all I want to do is envelop her, devour her, and take in the moment all at once. I don’t know what to do with myself.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t more…”

She cuts me off, “More what? More perfect? This is so us, Bills.” She laughs a bit, looking around. “I love it. And I love you.”

I smile so big, my cheeks hurt. Nothing will ever beat this.

Out of nowhere, the white foamy shoreline reaches where we are, and without noticing, our bottoms are drenched in salt water.

We screech and squeal, gasping from the icy sensation.

We look at each other and Remy locks her eyes on mine, making that face she always does when she gets one of her wild ideas.

Before I know it, she’s pulling my arm and running us into the ocean. All I hear is her giggles as we sprint into the cold water together, jumping every time a wave splashes up at us.

I let go of everything in my mind.

Every worry, every fear, every tension goes away with one single dive. As our bodies cut under the biggest wave, we hold our breath, and before we swim up to the surface, I thank my lucky stars for this day, and every day that has allowed me to make it to this day.

A/N- I’m not crying, you are… 🥲

My pulse stopped as I locked my phone.

Fuck.

I quietly got out of bed, careful not to wake the sleeping beauty, and shut the bedroom door behind me on the way out.

I walked down the stairs hesitantly, afraid of another fight. Afraid I’d have to make her hate me even more.

I looked down at my sweats and oversized t-shirt, sighing before opening the front door for her.

I crack the door open a bit, peeking through. There she was. A cold, miserable Remy, in distress.

I opened the door more, shocked at the image before me.

Her eyes were bright red and swollen too. Her face flushed, and her expression drowning in agonizing sorrow. Her long hair a mess, pushed behind her ears loosely. Not one speck of makeup on that damningly perfect complexion of hers.

“Remy, what are you doing here?” I asked, my brows softly furrowed.

“I need to talk to you.” Her voice was hoarse, like she’d been shouting for hours.

“What is it?” I stood, wanting to bring her inside, but my feet stuck on the floor beneath me. I couldn’t.

“Please, can I come in?” Her eyes pleaded, hopelessly anguished.

I closed my eyes, sighing, pinching the bridge of my nose with one hand and holding onto the door with the other. I tried to be firm. “Right now is not a good time, Remy. Ellie’s asleep, and-“

“Please, Billie.” Her little voice broke, causing my heart to crumple up and fall out of place, into my rib cage.

I caved, pulling the door open, allowing her to duck under my arm and walk inside. She walked into the living room and I followed behind, hesitantly.

She sat on the edge of the couch, watching me stand several feet away. I didn’t want to get too close.

“What is this?” I said, my voice low, keeping in mind Ellie was in the room above us.

“Please, just hear me out.” She breathed out. I could see her collecting her thoughts and paving out where to start.

I blinked slowly, my heart beating as fast as Remy’s foot anxiously bounced on the hardwood floor.

“I came to tell you I’m sorry. That it’s all my fault.” Her voice was shaky, almost a whisper.

Hearing her speak felt like knives carving every one of her words into my chest.

“Remy, I don’t want your apologies. I wanted you to hear me and see me back then. How many more times was I supposed to let you fuck me over.” I tried to be as quiet as possible. It was a mistake letting her in.

“Billie—“

I rubbed my arm up and down, trying to self-soothe. “I tried to get you to understand, I tried to wait and see if you’d keep your word, but you just kept on putting everyone else first! You don’t get it. I literally felt like the last thing on your mind, all the time. I felt invisible one too many times, especially when all I did was put you first, Remy. That killed me. I just wanted better for you, and you told me I was just obsessed with you. You painted me out to be some controlling piece of shit. I just wanted to take care of you!” All of it came out in one huge rant.

“I feel awful.” She looked down at her hands fidgeting in front of her. “You didn’t deserve that.”

She looked ashamed. Her soft demeanor about to break any second now.

“No, I didn’t.” I tried to be strong. I can’t cave.

She paused, silence filling the air for a long time.

“Remy, you should go.” I said softly, signaling towards the door.

“Please.” She looked up at me, sincere in all ways.

I sighed, giving her a single nod.

“I fucked up, I thought I could do it all, but it ended up burning me out. I burned myself out, pleasing everyone else. Everyone, but the person that loves me the most.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, bringing tears to my own eyes.

“Remy. Please, just stop-“

“No. I set out a goal to give everyone else what they wanted, and left you out. I didn’t fucking do enough, Billie, I should’ve just stopped to see what I was doing to you.” A tear dripped down her cheek, bringing her hand up, frustratingly, to wipe it almost immediately.

I could tell she was trying not to show weakness in front of me now. It broke my heart she didn’t feel safe enough to freely express her pain anymore.

I walked closer to her, standing by the couch, still a few seats away from her. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t completely at fault. That I took part in destroying us.

“Remy, we can’t just keep-“ I prayed she’d drop it, that she’d stop trying, all out of fear that I’d cave.

“Please, let me talk.” She stopped me. I sighed, listening to her desperate attempts at fixing our mess.

“You shouldn’t be here. This isn’t good for us.” I rubbed my face, feeling like I’d gone pale.

“It’ll be different this time. You’ll never feel alone again.” She pleaded.

“Remy— That’s not—” She cut me off.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I know what you need from me now, but back then I didn’t see it. I was being selfish. I was angry, I was so angry.”

I felt heard, I felt seen. I felt validated. I felt a head-rush and became afraid I’d fall if I didn’t hold onto the couch. A sudden storm of emotions made my stomach turn. I wanted to throw up. Word vomit.

“I need you to leave. Now.” I pointed at the door, holding my stomach with one hand. My anxiety was turning me into a mess.

“I won’t. I’m not leaving you, I won’t let you push me away again.” She said, firmly.

God I wanted this to be a dream. I wanted to wake up and be in bed, next to Ellie. The one who had not hurt me yet.

“It was you who took care of me, made sure I had everything I needed, even when I gave you shit for it. Even when I tried to act like I could handle it myself.”

My eyes began to water.

“I always knew I’d have you, if one day I woke up with nothing. And- And I lost you. I actually have nothing now. I wake up every single day with nothing, because I don’t have you.”

That’s exactly how I felt too.

She began to let her tears stream down, not having enough hands to wipe them away. It was like an inflatable pool with holes in it and not enough pieces of duct tape to patch them up.

“I’m sorry that it took so long for me to realize that.” She sobbed. “I’m sorry that it had to come this far for me to realize that you were the only one who actually cared. You were right. About everything.”

I thought about what every one of her words meant, careful not to let them get to my head. I wake up every day feeling like I have nothing, because I don’t have every aspect of her. Her mind, her soul, her body… Her. I wonder what her version of having nothing meant.

Her sobs grew uncontrollable and they only broke to gasp for air. I ran to her, sitting next to her, afraid to touch her, as if she might shatter into a million glass pieces.

“I— I’m sorry, Billie—“ She cried with deep, convulsive gasps for air in between each word.

Her rugged breathing scared me, I scrambled with my words, nothing would come out.

“I love y-you, s-so much— I ruined e-everything! Please, please don’t hate me.” She put her face down, into her knees, hugging them tight. Ashamed to break down in front of me.

What did her love for me mean? What did she mean by love. I wanted her to love me in the same way I loved her, but I knew better than that.

For years, I toggled back and forth between wondering if it’s worth being loved to her extent. Even when I knew I wanted more. But each and every time, I told myself that whatever amount of love I get from her, is worth every last tear I could ever produce.

My eyes betrayed me. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Overwhelmed with emotion, I cried, audible ragged breaths leaving my mouth.

“Stop. No, no more. Come here.” I wrapped my arms around her shaking body, lifting her face, which was contorted in distress. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was torturing her.

“I’m s-sorry, please forgive m-me. I’ll do anything to show you how much I love-“

I spoke over her, cutting her off, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Her gut wrenching cries muffled into my chest, vibrating my whole body. She shook in a panicked state, covering me in her tears.

I rocked her back and forth, my voice cracking with every word, my body and mind completely breaking down. “I love you, I’m right here.” I sniffed in, trying to keep snot in my nose.

I breathed in deep, taking in her scent. The same scent I spent nights dreaming about, only to wake up without. It felt like home.

“You’re everything I have. None of this matters if I don’t have you.” She whimpered hysterically.

“You have me. You have me. I’m sorry, Remy, this isn’t only your fault. I’m sorry-“

“No, I’m sorry, I’m the worst fucking-“

“No, you are not. You’re not.” I said firmly, squeezing her tight, emphasizing my words.

“So much has happened these last few months- and all I wanted to do was tell you.”

“I’m sorry,” I cried, “It just wasn’t the same anymore-“

“I know, I fucked everything up.” She tried her best to catch her breath but couldn’t.

“Listen to me. I need you to know something.” I pulled her on my lap, holding her tight. I brushed a hand through her hair, gently cradling her like a new born baby.

When I turn to face her, I swear she might as well have been bathed in her own golden light.

“What are you doing over here? Did someone glue your butt to the wall?” She asks, pulling me.

“I’m not feeling it, honestly.” I shrug

“Why not?”

“I’m just… I’m nervous.” I force myself to shout over the music, but all I want to do is disappear into the crowd.

“Booo!” She shouts, grabbing my other hand now “Let’s get you a drink then, loosen you up!” She cheers, fully dragging me now to the kitchen where there’s an assortment of alcohol and mixers set out. It was BYOB, of course, and as I stand there observing the selection I’m glad Remy is here to guide me.

“This is my favorite.” She smiles over her shoulder at me, pouring pineapple juice over ice and malibu rum. She cheerfully adds a maraschino cherry on top. The only thing I actually contributed to this drink were the cherries, which I keep around for the occasional almond milk ice cream sundae.

I take a sip with her eyes trained on me, waiting for my reaction.

“Okay!” I smile, chugging it and slamming the cup down.

She refills my cup with the same concoction.

She grabs a lone cherry from the jar and pops it in her mouth before dragging me back to the dance floor, drink in hand. When she finds a good place on the outskirts of the crowd, she turns back to me and her body begins swaying to the music. I try to follow her lead, figuring if I can’t disappear, I might as well blend in.

“Look! Look what I can do!” She yells, taking a step back from me to give herself space before doing a front roll on the floor. As she rolls onto her back, she accidentally kicks me between my legs, causing me to bend forward.

“Fuck, dude.” I’m serenaded by her intoxicated laugh, and I can’t help but follow “You’re such an idiot. You just kicked me in my balls.”

She rolls around on the ground in a fit of uncontrollable laughter, and I’m laughing so hard I end up down there with her. As I drop down, my drink splashes and lands on her chest. I try not to give this too much thought.

“Oh, fuck!” I laugh, raising the glass to my lips once more, taking a large sip.  

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” She cheers, pumping her fists in the air and smiling. Who am I to deny her? I tilt my head back, letting the liquid pour down my throat. The ice is stuck to the bottom of the glass, but eventually it falls and smacks me in the nose. I jerk forward once more, meeting her eyes in laughter. She leans into my ear, our faces almost touching.

“I’ll go get us some more. Stay here. Dance.” She adds the last part seriously, but i’m too distracted by the fact that her breath smells like cherries.

I stay put as I’m told and I’m grateful that while she’s gone no one approaches me, because despite this being my party I don’t feel in the mood for socializing tonight.

Just as I'm considering going back to the kitchen to find her, she returns, handing me another glass of the yellow liquid. I take a smaller sip this time, hoping the alcohol will set in sooner than later. She returns easily to her upbeat dancing, without spilling the drink in her hand even once. I realize now that hers is dark, and I break her out of her trance to ask what it is.

“Just coke and whiskey!“ Shouts over the loud music.

I grab the glass from her hand and take a sip, considering it for a moment. I hand her my glass instead, taking another sip

 “No, hey! That’s mine.” She complains, reaching for it. “You shouldn’t mix dark and light liquids dummy.”

“Noo, I want this one!” I pout, playfully turning away from her. She rolls her eyes like she cares, but we both know she’ll indulge me in the end. When we return to the kitchen we find the bottle of coke empty.

“Fuck it, let’s just do shots.” I say, suddenly feeling a lot more outgoing. I am at a party celebrating my tour, where I played my music, and I’m in my beach house with people who love and support me. What better time to celebrate? Remy seems surprised that I suggest this,  but once again she indulges me.

I try to let the alcohol pass down my throat as quickly as possible, ready to indulge in this upbeat and excited energy. I can feel the music getting to me now, no longer overwhelming my senses but heightening them. Suddenly we’re back on the dance floor, her hair flipping to the beat.

The sweat has begun dripping from her forehead and she’s breathless as we bounce around together, in some half dance for hours.

I can’t imagine anything we’re doing in this state is very impressive, but then my eyes consume her, and the lights are dancing on her skin. She’s smiling and it’s all so overwhelming, I almost can’t help myself.

I wanna shift to a different plane, one where we’re removed from our physical selves so that she might be a large and welcoming expanse, and I might be enveloped by her. I imagine her in colors that are warm and vivid. She is the ocean and I want to be the rays of light that dance among her waves. She makes me understand why bibles exist, because I feel the urge to write and write and write of beauty and wonder so that someone far in the future might conceptualize a beauty like hers. And there will be nonbelievers who cast doubt, despite depictions of her, and I will not fault them, because she is something you can only witness with your soul.

“You’re so…” I huff for a breath, trying to summarize all that I'm feeling but my brain is cloudy, “…beautiful.” And it falls flat. For a moment I think I should build up a whole new language so that I can describe something as complex and awe-inspiring as her without monologuing.

“Bitch, says you!” She returns the compliment easily, playfully rolling her eyes at my and not once stopping to consider the weight behind my words. I shake my head, and when I look away, I spot Finneas from across the room.

I’m reminded of our conversation at his house the other day, how he’d told me what I already knew. That I needed to confess my feelings for her.

I excuse myself quickly, walking clumsily through the crowd toward him with utmost importance.

“Finneas!” I yell urgently when his eyes land on me. The intention is for him to hear me over the music, but the songs shift as the words leave my mouth and I just end up screaming at him.

“What?” He laughs

“I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna tell her I love her.” I have to get closer as the music returns. His eyebrows furrow and he looks toward the crowd, clearly trying to think of a way to settle me down.

“Do you really think now is the best time?” He tries to reason with me, but it gets drowned out beneath the music, just like everything else tonight.

“I’m so tired of holding this secret. I just need to know if she feels the same way.”

His face changes as he catches a wiff of my alcoholic mouth.

“Okay, but Billie you’re drunk. For, like… the second time ever in your whole life.” I ignore him because he’s right.

“I’m not ever gonna do it if I don’t do it now. I’m always way too scared of what will happen, or what she’ll say, but I’m ready now! I want to tell her, no matter what. It’s now or never!” I say insistently, trying to shake him with the grip I now have on his biceps, but only managing to shake myself.

“Why don’t we try drinking water and thinking of a game plan first? Maybe you can just tell her tomorrow. It’ll mean more if you’re sober.” The music is pounding, the bass almost shaking the floor beneath me. I can feel it hyping me up, my heart rate rising at the thought of finally confessing to her, at the prospect of her loving me back, of tonight transforming into a story we tell at our wedding. Everything is so pent up I could burst.  

“It’s now or nevvveerrrr!!!” I shout, throwing my arms in the air. My hair smacks me in the face as I whip back around on my return to Remy, but I can only laugh.

I make my way across the room to her, grabbing her arm and attempting my best to be heard over the loud music. “Remy! What I said earlier—“

“Huh?” She shouts, her body undulating with the beat.

Anything I manage to get out of my mouth, she can’t make up right now, and as she tries to read my lips, I’m fooled into thinking she might kiss them. I get a sudden urge of extreme nerves and clumsily trip over someone else’s foot. Remy catches me before I fall over, and I think we both realize how intoxicated I am.

She laughs, “You okay?!” She leans and shouts, near my ear.

“Yeah, sorry!” I shout back and she manages to read my lips this time. I guess it’s easier when I’m not rambling.

She leans into my ear, “Why don’t we get you some fresh air?” She leads the way, holding my hand and guiding my aimless body up the stairs.

The contrast between the balcony and downstairs is staggering. The music goes from consuming my senses to barely registering in the background, being replaced by the wind passing. I feel myself calm as Remy clicks the door shut behind us, joining me by the railing. I’m no longer powered by the intoxicating energy of sound and people and, well… alcohol. It’s just me, and her and while I can tell the alcohol is still strong in my blood, it feels different now.

I think…

I glance over the balcony at the water, beating pointlessly against the rock that holds us. I consider for a moment that it might suck less to surrender to the cold, icy water, than be forced to confess something to her once again. On my grave they’d have to write “Here lies Billie, helpless in her bisexuality. Loved by many, but never The One.” This rips an unintentional laugh from my throat, drawing Remy’s attention.

“What?” Her voice is so quiet im almost surprised it's not drowned out by the waves and light wind.

My head wobbles like boozy jello, to meet her eyes, and even without jumping I feel like I'm 6ft under water in snow gear. Everything is in slow motion and everything is hard to see unless I focus, so of course her face is crystal clear.

“I love you.” I slur aimlessly, followed by a slow blink.

There’s less passion in it than I imagined, but it makes no difference to her. She has no idea how many times I've rehearsed this exact scenario in my head. It’s not a bold, fearless declaration of love. It’s me, falling at her doorstep, drunk and helpless, waiting for her to invite me in. It’s not what I thought, but it’s real. It’s happening.

“I love you too.” She smiles perfectly, and my focus lands there before it quickly subsides. I know she doesn’t mean it the way I want her to. The way I wish she would.

“I love you.” I repeat sternly, my head nodding forward a bit for emphasis, shaking the brain in my cranium.

“I love you”

I clumsily plant my hands on the fence, shifting my body to face her instead of the ocean in front of us, aware I’m not doing any good at getting my point across. She obviously must think of me as the drunk best friend that tells everybody she loves them.

I can see her demeanor shift as the words leave my mouth. She examines me with her eyes, waiting for some recant or laughter, or whatever has her staring at me the way she is.

My stomach churns as the silence drags on and I find myself trying to take deeper breaths through my nose. I’m silently thankful for the breeze coming in, off the ocean, as I seem to struggle to fill my lungs. She’s still watching me. Thank god I didn’t do this inside, in front of all those people, but maybe Finneas was right. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it at all, at least not tonight.

It’s all happening in a matter of seconds, but it feels like forever. I look to my right, acting as though the moon had suddenly caught my attention. As if it could hold a candle to her.  

But, I just can’t stand to see her face as she processes my one last secret, to watch as the wind makes it look like hair is floating in the night sky.

My throat constricts and my stomach tightens, pushing its contents up and out. A grotesque burp escapes first, and it's quickly followed by liquid and bits of cherry. All over the balcony and my shoes.

Ch.19

Ch.20

Ch.21

Ch.22

Ch.23 Ch.24

Ch.25

Ch.26 Ch.27

Ch.28 Ch.29

Ch.30

Ch.31

Ch.32 Ch.33 Ch.34

Ch.35

Ch.36 Ch.37 Ch.38 Ch.39

Ch.40

Ch.41

Ch.42

Ch.43 Ch.44

Ch.45 Ch.46 Ch.47

Ch.48

I quickly, but carefully, got out of bed, cautious not to wake Remy up, and searched all over the place for my phone.

My phone was no where in sight.

I rush to grab my shoes off the floor, and my keys off the nightstand, trying not to waste any more time. I quietly close her bedroom door behind me and leave a note on her fridge, letting her know I went home, and to call me when she wakes up.

If I ever found my phone, I thought.

I immediately race back to my house, cussing myself out while speeding and weaving through cars on the highway, knowing it’s too late either way.

I pull into my garage, running inside the house, probably looking like a hot mess. The only thing I care about is apologizing to Ellie for breaking my promise.

“Ellie?” I look around, my voice echoing through the halls. Not a soul in the living room, not even a sound. No one in the kitchen, no one in the backyard.

I hurry up the stairs, going straight into my room, only to see a ton of clothing items scattered all over my bed, and all over the floor.

“Babe?” I peek around the corner.

“Hey, love.” I see Ellie in the master bathroom, putting a bunch of her things in a huge, reusable bag.

She looks up at me, then back down at her stuff.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I walk in, confused about the mess.

She doesn’t reply, she just gets off the floor and closes the cabinet doors, walking over to my bed. She places the bag next to a large, open suitcase, and begins to fill it with her clothes.

“Ellie, talk to me, why are you packing all your things?” I furrow my brows, freaking out a little bit. This can’t be happening.

She ignores me, walking back and forth from different areas of my room, taking her belongings, and throwing them on the bed.

“Ellie! Stop! Talk to me, please!” I grab her arm, wanting her to just tell me what’s going on.

“I’m done. I’m not doing this with you.” She resisted my pull, “Let go of me! I’m getting my shit and I’m leaving, Billie.”

I let go of her, staring as she walks back into my closet to grab her shoes.

“Ellie, please, I know I didn’t come home in time, but I can explain, just let me tell you-“

She cut me off, turning to face me. “You weren’t just late, Billie, you fucking stayed the night! It’s 10 in the morning!”

“I know, I fell asleep— I swear, I didn’t mean to!”

“Yeah, right.” She scoffs, throwing more things in the suitcase, not bothering to fold any of the clothes before shoving them wherever they fit.

“What do you think happened?” I follow her around.

“If you think I’m really that stupid—“

“Ellie, I swear to you, we just lost track of time! She was completely breaking down, and I just wanted to—“

“You wanted to what? Make her feel better? Take care of her?” She looked furious, her eyes darker than usual, and her brows arched. I can tell she wants to say more, but being hurtful isn’t her style.

“I was comforting her, I was just trying to be a good friend! That’s all it was!” I follow her around as she paces the room.

“She needed me! She’s going through a lot right now, El! I couldn’t just leave her like that. I wanted to wait till she fell asleep first before—” My words came out so fast, hoping she’d believe me.

“I needed you! I’m your girlfriend! Not her!” She raised her voice. “You’re about to leave me for months and all I wanted to do was spend one day with you! Alone, without Remy!”

I ran a hand through my hair, aggressively. “Ellie, stop packing, please!” I stood by her suitcase as she continued to fetch more belongings. “I swear to you, nothing happened! She couldn’t stop crying and—“

She ignored me, picking up her speed.

“Ellie, I’m so sorry that I didn’t come home last night, like I promised. Please, baby, forgive me. It won’t ever happen again!” My heart ached. I could feel myself losing her.

“I stayed up until two o’clock in the morning for you, Billie, I waited for you! You promised me you’d be home last night!”

“I’m sorry, baby! I fucked up—“

“You have no idea how it felt, knowing you— Ugh! Knowing you slept in her bed, and I was here, making up scenarios in my head, thinking of the worst!”

I begin to take things out of her suitcase, desperate to stop her. “Baby, please, just stop packing. Let’s talk about this!”

“No! I’m fucking done, Billie! I can’t take this anymore!” She yells, yanking her clothes out of my hands.

She pointed her dainty, freshly manicured fingers at me, “I’m not going to compete with your friend, I’m just so not that type of girl!”

“Compete with— What are you talking about, Ellie!” I furrow my brows, my arms held out in bafflement, as if I didn’t cause this myself.

“Oh, fucking please, Billie.” She forced the rest of her stuff into the suitcase, struggling to zip it up.

“There’s no comparison, Rem- Fuck! I mean Ellie!”

She rolled her eyes, pointing at me again, shouting, “See! There it is!”

“No— We’re literally talking about Remy right now, that’s the only reason I— God, Ellie! Just please, don’t leave! I’ll do anything! I swear, I didn’t mean to—“

“I’m done! I told you, I’m not doing this anymore!” She refused to listen, putting all of her anger towards shutting the suitcase, and pulling it off the bed, onto the ground for her to roll.

I stood in front of her, walking backwards as she pushed forward, toward the hallway. I shut my bedroom door, standing in front of it.

“Billie, get out of my way! I mean it!” She yelled.

“No.” I supplicated, my eyes fogging up my vision.

“I’m serious, move!”

“Ellie, you can’t just leave like this! We can talk about it!”

She reached for the doorknob before I could block it. I grabbed her arm, trying to keep her from opening it, pushing all of my weight into the door. I began to tear up, feeling hopeless, feeling desperate.

“You have to believe me, baby. Nothing happened! I would never do anything to hurt you!” I shouted, my chest aching.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come home, I’m sorry I didn’t call— I honestly don’t even know where my phone is and—“

She stopped, backing away from the door, taking a deep breath.

“Do you have feelings for Remy?” Her voice firm, calmer than before.

I stood still, my insides turning into ice.

“Do you, Billie?” She waited for my answer, her eyes burning holes in mine.

“No.” I lied, my heart pounding out of my chest.

She nodded her head.

I began to walk towards her, thinking she believed me. But I was wrong. God, was I so wrong.

She pulled my phone out of her back pocket. My blood ran cold, knowing exactly what this was all about.

“You lied to me.” Her voice was soft as she burst into tears.

“No, Ellie, baby—“ I panicked, sprinting into damage control mode. “Don’t cry, please.” I begged, as tears streamed out of my own eyes.

She handed me the phone. “It was still in my fanny pack after our hike. You forgot it.”

She opened it and showed me a message thread between Finneas and I, from a week ago. I told him all about Remy and I making up. We talked about my feelings for her and how they aren’t going away. About how I couldn’t stop comparing Remy and Ellie to each other. About how awful I felt, how horrible it was that I couldn’t shake those feelings.

She crossed her arms, dissolving into a puddle of tears. She stood by my bed, weeping into her hands, feeling defeated.

She knew. She wanted to see if I would lie to her.

“Yes it is, I pushed you away-“ she wailed.

“Shhh, no, it’s not, Remy, it’s not.” I continued to cradle her, rocking side to side. “I’m the one who pushed you away. I did that.”

She bawled her eyes. I felt helpless not being able to console her. I’d lost my touch.

“I pushed you away. I should’ve never yelled at you like that. I was too much. I just wanted you to hurt the way you hurt me. Because, I thought you didn’t care.”

“I did care.” She said between sobs.

“You cared, Remy, I see that now… And I’m so sorry. It wasn’t all your fault.”

We both cried, holding each other the way I imagined every night I dreamed. This went on for several minutes, neither of us wanting to let go.

God, I’m never letting go. As much as I want to move on, I could never let her go. All I could think about is telling her I love her.

Love, love her. In ways she could never imagine. She’d never guess. And she’d never feel the same.

I closed my eyes and imagined…

I imagined grabbing her face so sweetly and joining our lips together so softly, tasting all those salty tears that I made her cry. I’d hold onto her so carefully, handling her like she’s made of crystal glass. I’d breathe life back into her and chase out all of the monsters that once got in her way. I’d take her all over the world with me and give her everything she’s ever wanted, because she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Her warm hands, her enchanting smile, her bottomless heart, her long curls that I could twirl around my fingers all day… And that laugh. I missed her laugh so much. Her laugh could cure every bit of my depression. I wish I could make her laugh in this moment, but there was absolutely nothing to laugh about right now.

In my imagination she’d wrap herself around my body, clinging on for protection for the rest of her life. She’d let me carefully pick her up and carry her into our safe place in her apartment. Her room, with the small window, and the oversupply of plants adorning every corner. She’d lay with me for hours until we disintegrate into her mattress, and we’d stare in each other’s eyes, counting each other’s freckles and smile lines. I’d tell her how beautiful she is between each kiss we share, holding onto each bit of innocence left in us. I’d touch the soft, warm, skin beneath her shirt, and she’d trace her fingers all over my goose-bump ridden back. My touch would be so tender, so light, like I’m unwrapping a delicate, fragile Christmas ornament as I undress her.

“How could it ever be the same again?” She pulled me out of my thoughts.

“It will.” I said, hopeful.

“I said awful things to you, could you ever even forget that?” It was true. How could I?

“I didn’t mean them, Billie, I didn’t mean any of those horrible things. I was so wrong.”

“I know you didn’t.” I cried, wanting to believe her so badly. Wanting to stop feeling like all of the things she called me. Obsessed. Jealous. Selfish. Self-centered. Controlling. I was all of those things. She had no idea how I truly felt. If only she knew.

“How can you not hate me?” She looked up at me, her eyes swollen and red, spilling out like a broken dam.

I looked down at her, shaking my head ever so slowly, “I don’t think you could ever say or do anything that would make me hate you.”

I wanted to kiss those pouty, sad lips and leave everything behind us. Just like I did at the hospital, when she was asleep. I wanted to be completely honest with her so she’d know why I was being so extreme before. So she’d see why there was always so much left unsaid.

But instead, I pressed my lips to her forehead and closed my eyes. To her it was platonic and comforting. To me, it was fuel for my heart.

I love you, Rem. You have every bit of my heart.

That’s what I wanted to say to her. But instead I said, “I love you, Rem. You’re my best friend.”

She hugged me tighter. “I love you too. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t cry, sweet girl. We’re okay, it’s okay.” I gave her a faint smile, wanting to reassure her. “What happened? Tell me everything I missed.”

I scooted back into the couch and she sat back in the spot next to me, still leaving no space between the two of us.

I wrapped my arm around her as she told me all about her mother’s death. I was in utter shock. Knowing she dealt with it alone, grieving her mother in the dark, by herself, with no one to hold her. No one to make her warm meals, no one to talk to while she eats them. She cried in my arms, finally mourning her mom, safe in my embrace.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, Rem.”

“You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” She said.

I wiped away her tears, got her water, and wrapped her up in a throw blanket. We talked for hours, catching up on every other aspect of our lives. She told me about work, about Christmas, and how she spent it alone.

“One second, I’ll be right back.” I got up, running to the guest room and grabbing the box. I took out the album she made me and brought it to her. I sat back down and put it on our laps.

“I never looked through it.” I confessed.

“Why not?” She looked at me.

I looked in her eyes, feeling fire in my lungs. I looked away. “I don’t know. I didn’t want to miss you.”

She leaned her head on my shoulder, opening the first page. “I’ve been working on this for two years. Really, since you started writing for the new album.”

My heart was full. We looked through all the photos, laughing, crying, and laughing, and crying again. She told me what she remembered from every single memory in the book, and in return, I kept to myself what those moments meant to me.

Throughout the night, I found myself watching her as she talked. She didn’t notice. She continued to point and describe the photos before her. It was sweet.

I realized I caught her up about everything except one thing. Ellie. I didn’t mention her name once. My demeanor changed and I know she could tell.

“Are you okay?” She looked up at me, her big hazel eyes making me feel small.

“I am.” I nodded. “Just tired.” I fake yawned, stretching.

She checked her phone. It was 6am. “Yeah, sorry, I should get going.” She said.

I wish I could ask her to stay the night. I didn’t know what was off limits or not anymore.

“Yeah… We should get some sleep.” I began to stand up.

“Yeah.” She nodded, grabbing her things.

I walked her over to the door, saying goodbye a million times before actually meaning it, the way we used to. I held her in my arms one more time, secretly kissing the top of her head, so softly that she didn’t even notice.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” I promised her.

She nodded. We said goodbye one more time, and I watched her get in her car. I closed the door, watching her drive off through the glass.

I turned around, walking quietly back to the main staircase.

Around the corner, a figure startled me half to death. Ellie sat, waiting for me at the top of the stairs, with a leg folded over the other, in her champagne colored, satin nightwear, and a matching satin robe. She didn’t look happy, not at all.

I hadn’t thought about her at all in the last couple of hours. Part of me wanted to forget she was upstairs. Once again, I felt like the worst person ever.

“Hey, love. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Right.” She replied, looking like she was putting all the pieces together. “What was that?” Her voice monotone.

“She showed up, wanting to talk. I didn’t know she was coming. I didn’t want to wake you up-“ I stuttered, as if I was guilty of something. Maybe I was.

“How much of that did you hear?” I wondered when she started listening.

“Most of it.” She said. I could tell she didn’t want to say much. She had a way of making me tell on myself. “Looks like it went well. You two looked… close.”

“She just wanted to apologize, and she broke down.” I said, careful not to give myself up. “Everything okay?” I reached my hand out to help her stand up.

“I’m okay. Are you okay?” She said, raising a brow slightly, not taking my hand.

“Yeah…” I nodded. She stood up by herself, turned around, and went back into the room. I stood there a minute, my heart racing like I just got caught.

“Ellie…” I entered the room, knowing she senses something. She’s not dumb. Maybe it was my demeanor, or the way I looked like a deer in the headlights when I ran into her.

She was in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. I walked up to her, brushing her hair to one side, revealing her neck. “Baby…”

She continued to brush her teeth, spitting into the sink without acknowledging me.

“Can you please tell me why you’re being like that?” I asked, looking at her through her reflection in the mirror.

“Like what?” She asked. Shutting me out wasn’t like her. It was like me.

“Like… you just sat up all night, listening to me and Remy apologize to each other, from the top of the stairs, and now you’re being all… standoffish?” I tilted my head.

“I’m just confused, I guess.” She shrugged, wiping her mouth on a hand towel, and shutting the faucet off.

“Confused about what?” I leaned my head down, pulling back the satin robe sleeve on her shoulder and kissing her skin softly, hoping it’ll distract her. I knew it wouldn’t. She’s not dumb.

She nudged me off her, taking off her robe, letting it drop by her feet. “I don’t know. I’ve just never been that close with one of my friends, I guess. Especially, not one that hurt me as much as she hurt you.”

She began to undress, turning the bath on and letting the water fill up the tub. She stood there with nothing but a tiny thong on, her expression still blank.

“Or maybe, it’s because I invited her to your party and you wanted nothing to do with her, but then she shows up in the middle of the night and she’s suddenly sitting on your lap.” She slid off her underwear, stepping out of them, and throwing them in the hamper. Her voice was calm, which honestly scared me more.

She got in the bathtub, easing her way into the hot water. “I’ve definitely never kissed a friend on the forehead before. Especially, not one that made me cry like that.” She put up her hair, the hot steam fogging up the bathroom mirror.

“I don’t know what you saw, but it wasn’t like that. Not at all, Ellie.”

“I didn’t say it was.” She replied, her voice still perfectly calm. “All I said was I’m confused.”

I took a deep breath, putting myself in her shoes. I felt horrible trying to convince her there was nothing going on, when I was that close to kissing Remy and confessing my feelings for her, while my actual girlfriend was supposedly upstairs, asleep in our bed.

“I wasn’t expecting her to show up like that. I’m sorry, Ellie. We just talked it out, like you wanted us to. It was just really emotional. I’ve never seen her like that before.” I leaned against the vanity, looking down at the floor.

Ellie soaked in the tub, rubbing bath oil all over her arms. She lifted her legs, one by one, putting oil on them too. She didn’t say a word.

“Her mom died last month too…” I added.

She looked over at me, “I heard… is she okay?”

“Yeah… Well, no, but she says she is.” I noticed her glance soften. I approached her, sitting at the edge of the bathtub.

“That’s terrible.” She said, looking back at the foamy water, her knees popping out of the bubbles. “Tell her I’m sorry about her mom.”

I nodded, “I will.” I paused, feeling the temperature of the water. “Ellie…”