#biggirlsdontcry

hi IDk what exactly what i want to write in this post but tonight i just feel like posting something I can look back on and think why tf did I do that????

ANyway I just read Jess’ 2019 summary and I want to kinda do something similar but maybe not go into so much detail cos that bitch is like a 4U English student.

2019 was a very long a$$ year for me. Mainly because it was the first in a very very long time that I had been unemployed. B dot com was my first real corporate job. I got a real taste of office life, and to be honest, I loved it. Being in the city amongst other adults, and working during office hours is something I absolutely loved because it felt like I had made it. The people I chose to surround myself with also made it 1000x better. ALSO omg I got to travel with expenses covered like yas free holidays am i rite ladies??? To top it all off, I had a steady flow of income. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for me to be able to spend freely. Unfortunately all of these good things still couldn’t make me stay.

Unemployment started off fine. I thought I had done the right thing by quitting a job that made me miserable. As the weeks passed and I was still stuck at home while everyone was on the 9-5 grind, I became more and more aware of the fact that I was a vegetable. A useless lil vegetable...like celery or something (yuk). To this day, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and it’s scary. I was (and still am) struggling to find the motivation to focus on self-development and ultimately figure out where I want to be in the next few years. To add to that, working @ sp*csav*rs is making me feel too comfortable because money is once again flowing into my account.

The decision to accept the offer to work at Sp*csav*rs was a very difficult one. On top of the LOONNGG commute time, taking the job felt like I was taking a big step back into the world of retail (which I thought I had left behind in 2018). Customer service is a field I’ve been working in since I got my first job, and I am so done with all the different kinds of fuckwits you’d find in a retail environment. Taking the job made me super sad. Day after day I’d come home so exhausted that I wouldn’t even have the energy to start thinking of what I want to do with my career, so I’d be even MORE miserable and it was just a sad vicious cycle. Fast forward to today and.....yeah I’m still pretty fucking lost :( but I have grown to enjoy the company of my workmates and accept that maybe this is what I need for a while before I have my next big realisation.

My UH-MAY-ZING support network has helped me understand and accept that quitting B dot com was the best thing I could have done for myself, because it’s the first step in moving forward and figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Taking this job doesn’t mean I’ll be dealing with I-am-the-customer-respect-me-pls customers for the rest of my life. I don’t think I give myself enough credit for all the things I have done for myself to reach this point, and this year I want to be more confident in my decisions.

i KNOW this post is v random pls forgive me this is literally my first ever wall-of-text blog post. If you’re reading I hope you have an amazing 2020 and who knows maybe i’ll write another one soon idk i’ll see how i feel :P

I attended my first yoga class almost a week ago. It was an amazing experience and it was something I have always wanted to do. Ever since the birth of my second daughter I have aspired to become a fellow yogi and master of the mind in an attempt to achieve a higher purpose and find some stillness in my chaotic life. With this first class I had finally started my journey.  How did I begin it? Drenched in blood, sweat and tears....

OK, no blood came from the situation, but the tears sure did. I felt stupid to boot. I am not sure if I was just exhausted because I hadn’t slept well the night before or from life itself in general. Could I have been overly emotional because my anxiety has simply been under poor control the past few months? Is this something normal? Was I that desperate to be doing something for myself I let out a few good tears? Happy tears.

The first it happened was in child pose. Down on the floor, knees bent and against my chest. As I leaned forward with my arms spread straight out in front of me, hands palming the mat and my forehead to the ground they surfaced in my stillness. I was relishing in the hard work that I had done so far and trying to let what thoughts were lingering around inside my head float away with the rest of the world around me. Next thing I know, my eyes feel wet. It was slow at first, they were filling up my eyes at a snails pace and then faster as they spilled over my lower lids. I thought of how embarrassing this would be if anyone saw my face before I sat back up so I got it together before moving on to the next pose. This happened to me 2 more times at different intervals during the class.

Now that I think of it, the peaceful music being played probably did not help me either as I seem to cry at the drop of a hat lately! There was a piece being played for us that I recognized from the movie, “The Theory of Everything.” That movie always gets to me, all the feels. Recollecting the events of that movie when the music was playing did not help me either I am sure. 

When the class was over, I felt amazing. I was hooked, and I was hoping quietly to myself that the crying would not be something of the norm at my next classes to come. I have taken 2 more since and so far it hasn’t happened again. Thank god!