#big one

She was abused by a man. In her healing, however, she found safe figures: a single father, a boyfriend, and two male best friends.

She is in a safer situation now. BUT

She has a VERY REALISTIC aversion to other women! She sees Max here from the moment she first saw her through the window only as competition for male attention. This is INCREDIBLY realistic and amazing to be shown so. Because trauma symptoms like this do not disappear immediately with safety - that's the definition of trauma 'symptoms', which only become disordered when not needed.

In her environment in the lab, especially with the now-knowledge of her siblings, she was not only appeasing the highest power which was a man, but she was in constant competition for that attention. We also know now: she was losing in that competition. But even when her only memories were of being an isolated "only child" abuse victim, the symptoms also make sense - the combination of conscious and subconscious memory creating the same trauma response.

The stakes of failing to gain approval from a man may no longer be public humiliation, verbal abuse, imprisonment, assault, electrocution, or abuse of loved ones (referring to 001's electrocution), but that doesn't mean the instinctive response isn't still very much there.

A man is someone to be appeased. A man is someone you seek approval from. A woman is someone you compete with for their approval. Only one can win. She doesn't have to actively believe Mike will hurt her to feel a general sense of high stakes and threat from Max being in his life.

It's why her relationship with Max the following season and prioritizing not just Max but a woman's approval over a man's and his desires from her is SUCH a big milestone. Because in season 2, she sees Max as a threat. A threat to her remaining prioritized goal, which we can interpret as being what she is so adamant about as her goal in the beginning of the season: male attention.

In season 1, she had Mike's attention and was rewarded with it. The only times she lacked it, he yelled at her or ignored her. Not in a way that genuinely resembled Brenner so much as triggered it - much like her triggers relating to him in season 4. So regardless of whether or how she factors that in, she either quantifies the idea of lacking his attention as connecting with some level of danger or neglect OR she does not factor those memories in making something differently scary: unknown stakes.

If a person is abused by someone who treats them nice when they do something wrong and poorly when they don't and form a new relationship with someone who is safe but they have never severely messed up with that person, they will hold that fear until they mess up and it's okay - likely repeatedly. As the abuse would have been long-term, they need to reassociate the consequences of mistakes. This is much of what we see in El's fears about Mike in season 4 and what I've talked about: because they are one of the only relationships of any kind that have not "broken promises" severely up until this point, she has no data on what will happen if she does. She doesn't believe he will harm her, but she does hold the very clearly stated belief that lack of attention means lack of love, and further that she is unlovable. This is the same reason it was so important for her and Hopper to break all their rules in season 2 - to demonstrate to her that making mistakes is a safe thing for her to do, the consequences of which may be anger but not danger or abandonment.

So with that fear for her in mind, as we know it in general and as it applies to Mike and continues to through and well past season 2, let's talk about her goal of Mike's attention in season 2:

In season 2 episode 2, we see her crying when Mike gets up and leaves the walkie. Of course, she misses him, but we did not see this response before. She is fearing that she is losing him. It's after this point that she becomes increasingly desperate to see him, fighting Hopper harder, yelling and throwing things, before ignoring his warning of danger to break out and see him. The reason the scene with Max is so emotional for her is not because she never thought he would move on, but because she was recently starting to fear that he would. She felt him slipping away and was feeling an increasing urgency to it, that if she didn't act now he would move on from her. She checked in with him every day and cites later that she was given comfort from his daily calls, but he starts to get more self-berating in them to himself for trying in the first place...until the breaking point. And she was right. After that, Mike stops calling, as we know from the number of days she recites later. So after she got that giving up on her call on Halloween night, the next morning she argued with Hopper for the first time in the "when is soon?!" argument where she psychically throws his plate into him. The subtext of "on day 700? On day 800?!" is "We're on day 354 now and I'm already losing him. I'll be too late in a few days, let alone years." So she sneaks out to see him in an attempt to save him before he finally slips away. And what she sees, to her, is that she's too late. Completely out of her control, and driving her anger towards Hopper further, she missed her window, and she lost him. She lost his attention - to another girl. In her mind, if she returns now, he'll never love her again. That's what happens when you lose someone's attention: you're unlovable. So she leaves for Chicago indefinitely, for a time even seriously considering not returning, even for Mike. The only reason she does is because she thinks she can give him something.

But when she sees Mike, he is thrilled to see her. And when she sees Max, all Max is to her is the girl who almost stole him. Who would have, given a couple more days. Because she was raised on the idea that only one person can be loved at a time, the rest discarded, and that love is a competition that must be both won and maintained. Not only that, but that that competition is for a man's attention, therefore against other women.

Pre-season 1 El's life depends on whether she can achieve and maintain positive attention from a man. The stakes are high. In season 1, El is able to achieve positive attention from a man. The stakes are not high, but she has no way of knowing that. In fact, "a promise is something you can't break ever" likely interprets as reinforcing it to a traumatized mind. She also learns(this doesn't mean it's true) that the only way for her to maintain that attention is to be of service via her powers, as each time Mike is angry with her, she is able to regain it by making contact with Will or saving Mike using her powers. She has now learned that, based on the model she was raised on of love being something to be maintained, she is not lovable if she falls short of heroic. She ends season 1 with the ultimate heroic act: self-sacrifice.

In season 2, though she has Hopper, she is prioritizing her original validating male attention, Mike. Because Mike believes her dead, she feels powerless as she is unable to maintain the attention she cultivated from him. She cannot actively lose it either, so all she can hope to do is return to him before the slow fade goes all the way out. But she becomes increasingly desperate to catch him in time as urgency increased based on time-lapsed and his behaviors she's observed. His attention towards her is waning. She needs to get it back before it's lost. This is urgent to her and it is high stakes, because she's a thirteen year old in love? No. Because a man's attention was once life and death, and her body has not left that state, regardless of conscious beliefs about Mike. So she sneaks out despite the known danger - because in her traumatized body, the danger of losing a man's attention is equal if not surpassing to the risk of being seen. She thinks of losing Mike's attention if she doesn't go as an inevitability and being caught as a less likely risk, and if you think of the stakes of those situations as equal, the decision is clearer. So she goes, and she sees that she's too late. She has lost his attention. She is heartbroken and leaves. She fights with Hopper, she finds out about her mother and who she was or could have been and this is where that healing gets started. She prioritizes a woman - her mother. Then she prioritizes a woman - her sister. It is also incredibly important that Kali is the leader of the gang. Her approval is the most important, not Axl or anyone else's - who are first presented to her as the most intimidating, insulting and threatening her until Kali is a revealed as the true boss. She heavily considering not returning to the men who she considers to be lost to her: Hopper is angry with her, meaning she has lost his attention and approval, and Mike has moved on, meaning he would not care for her return. Hopper's apology is a huge part of it, because it is likely only the second she has ever received (Lucas) and the first elaboration of love. He teaches her for the first time in her life that anger is not a lack of love or punishment and that it can actually be based in love, though that does not make him less responsible, and most importantly, something she has never seen, he demonstrates capacity for guilt. He loves her enough to feel bad about hurting her. She's never had that before. Hurting has simply been an act to revoke love as purposeful punishment and the people who do it have stood by and repeated those actions. She then sees too that they are in need of her help. She now knows two things: Hopper does love her. Her powers make Mike love her. She returns - going to Will's house, not Mike's or home, with intention to save the day, not reunite. It seems from her surprised look that she didn't know Mike would be there, so we can also assume the case for Hopper, but likely only the Byers. She has returned to save the day, as is her value. After her reunions, she ignores Max. Because Max, to her, is solely a threat, as only one person can win Mike's attention and if Max is in her life, there's a risk that it isn't her, for which, as we've established, the stakes would be very high. Learning that Hopper's love for her is unconditional is not the same as learning that she is unconditionally lovable. To segue, though, Hopper apologizing in the car cements that fact for her in her relationship with Hopper: "I guess we broke our rule" - that making mistakes is okay and not a threat to her safety.

In season 3, however, she starts out being neutral about Max but not close. They seem to not interact much and just share a physical space together, as Max seems intimidated when El first approaches her one on one. The only reason for which is to regain a man's attention. El is happy at the start of the season because she sees Mike every day and is keeping his focus and has been consistently "every day for six months" as Hopper references. She feels that his attention is a secure thing. So when she loses it unexplained, she is very surprised and confused. The remaining stakes in this for her are very clear by the fact that she seeks advice from someone she dislikes after under one day of not having his attention. She goes to Max for advice on how to regain his attention. Max is also no longer a threat to her as she knows now Max is not pursuing Mike's attention. Max says she needs to relax for a day because giving him a taste of his own medicine will get him to understand and come back. And she suggests that if he doesn't act properly in response, she dump him. This IS huge for El when she follows through. It is an impulse she would have been very averse to before having the support of Max. She is starting to value women's attention more. But it is also true that it was merely an impulse. That night, she needs comfort when she's reminded that they're broken up (this is because she misses him, yes, but no action or emotion is untouched by trauma responses as an abuse survivor). Max tells her to not worry because he'll come crawling back any moment begging for her to come back. This is nice to her because it validates the healing idea she learned from Hopper last season: that she is missed and people who hurt her feel independent guilt. Though the breakup is big for her, we know it doesn't solve everything from her persistent symptoms in season 4. Because though progress, every step of the breakup so far is a tactic. It is an empty threat, just like Max makes to Lucas, to get Mike back. At this point, she has never truly believed that they will stay broken up. Which is also why a huge step in the season is her ANGER towards him when she sees that he is remorseless and expects HER to come back to HIM. She wants his attention, and it's better than nothing that he still wants hers, but she now has Hopper as a healthy comparison to raise her expectations. Her expectations have been raised to expect remorse for hurting her(huge!). So when he does come "crawling back" SHE DOESN'T LET HIM. Again, HUGE FOR HER! She even argues that maybe Hopper was right in suggesting they spend time apart. Of course, this too, is said in anger and not commitment, as many such things are in life. Because he did not apologize in earnest, he shifted blame to Hopper. He 'explained', but he did not apologize. We know it is said in anger not follow through because in the very next episode he offers an olive branch, subtly implying regret for his previous comment by making fun of himself for it, and she immediately looks at him with interest again, showing she never genuinely stopped wanting to be together. She is not ready to forego his approval, but is still major progress for her hold out on it until her standards are met and he has yet to fully apologize. She then overhears him say he loves her which steps EVERYTHING up and I would argue actually causes major regression for her. It is the classic moment of regression: there is something she has been slowly learning not to chase after...and she gets it. She got the thing she craved. But she still holds onto her growth in holding out for that apology that she gets in the mini-mart the following episode. She has communicated with him her needs - trust - and received an apology. In the apology, though, he attempted to tell her he loved her but they were interrupted - she knows this, she heard the attempt, but it seems that he intends to follow up himself at the next opportunity, then everything gets complicated, so she lets him initiate like he seems to want to on his own time.

(had to paragraph break bc tumblr gave me a warning)Then, she loses the only man in her life who she has confirmed unconditional love from. She no longer has that to return to. It's the last day and she's leaving without having Mike as her boyfriend again. Not previously mentioned, but that is also pertinent because in season 2, she was shown learning English from movies that idolize romantic love about all - even using the name Michael. She lacks her father's attention now and doesn't want to leave without Mike's to hold onto in her shift to complete unfamiliarity, so she gives him one last chance to do it himself, then decides to initiate on her own and tell him she loves him. She, naturally based on what she overheard, assumes that nerves are the only reason he hasn't said it/gotten back together, so this will solve them. To her, she has his attention again.

Pre-season 4, they have been writing consistent letters and are implied to talk on walkies when Mike has access to Dustin's radio, as El has a walkie in her room with her Mike-things. When it comes to letters, there is a maximum amount of attention you can get or give and she is getting it...almost. She's started to notice the pattern that, though she pointedly signs her letters "love" every time, he always signs "from". In retrospect, she realizes that the his last attempt to tell her he loves her was mere hours before it was first discovered that she lost her powers. She isn't the hero to him anymore, so, just she felt in season, she has stopped being lovable. Although in season 1, the tone was different. In season 1, it was "I can make myself lovable with my powers! I can get love I haven't had before!", but now it's "I have the ability to lose that love". Despite her personal efforts, losing her powers makes her incapable of maintaining his love, which she still believes she must do. She is also being bullied. Not only has she lost her powers, but she is failing socially. She still has Mike's attention, but like in season 2, though for different reasons, she fears that it is waning. She lies to him in the letters to maintain it and when he arrives, plans the entire day with the sole intention of winning him back/convincing him to love her, to the point of completely excluding Will from it: "I want today to just be about you and me". Because in this case, Will, too, is capable of stealing his attention from her, though she wouldn't blame him the way she did Max, she still protects herself from it. Because she believes that if he finds out, she will lose the last bit of his attention she had and he will discard her. Which is also why, even after being caught clear and red-handed, still she asks Angela to lie for her. Because this is still high stakes for her. We then see a direct confirmation when Mike is directly paralleled to Brenner in her flashback. But this is not the first time he is paralleled to Brenner. Mike has been a representation for the stakes with which she views male attention the entire series - which is why only Mike and Hopper are directly paralleled to Brenner, a Brenner parallel means high stakes attention - season 4 is just the first time we're seeing her when she's actually failed to attain it and can no longer assume she would have been fine. She had started to believe that she was lovable to him in season 3 as he expressed missing her when they broke up, but she now views her powers as the only thread causing that. He views her as "incredible", not lovable. Everything he 'loves' her for, she no longer is. And as Mike's cut line describes, she somewhat gives up here. But not in an independent way. In a resigned way. Not "I don't need your love", but "if you can't love me it's because no one can". So she leaves. She leaves to become lovable again.

And when she sees the first man to ever teach her she was worthless, she runs at first - of course, he represents danger on a base level. But then he tells her he is confident he can, to her mental translation, make her lovable again, and she goes with him willingly. Because at the end of the day, too, every moment spent trying to convince any man to love her was just an attempt to relive and rewrite her relationship with Brenner to convince him to. That opportunity is in front of her again, and she can't pass it up.

Because none of this was about Mike. And none of it was about Hopper. And none of it was about Max. It was about Brenner and her siblings. She has spent the entire series fighting for male attention and seeing others as competition for it without knowing why. Season 4 is about her learning way. In season 4, she uncovers and processes the memories that founded her belief that love must be repeatedly earned and maintained and the consequences for it not being are abuse and death. Now that she can point to the exact memories that taught uniquely her that, it no longer looks like a fact of life. And she can let it go. She can let him go.

She has someone to blame now. "I came her to find out if I was the monster. But now I know. It is not me. It is you." She has someone to blame.

It isn't her fault for failing to earn his love. Because love is not be earned. "Papa does not tell the truth". That was a lie he told her to get away with it. She has someone to blame now. Which also means she has someone to let go.

She's free. She reunites with Mike and he is just Mike to her. He is no longer a mirage of her abuser abandoning her over and over again. Will is just Will. He is not someone she'll be locked in a cage for not being able to be.

So when she said she was worried Brenner was right about it being soon, it is guilt towards Max only. Hypotheticals she could have done differently. But she says that to Mike as just Mike. And she goes to her room and she sees her dad as just her dad. And her mom isn't competing for her dad and her best friend isn't competing for her boyfriend and neither is her brother. Because she doesn't need it anymore. That's what not needing it is.

Something Unholy |18042024

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