#bfaceb

I couldn't pick a more perfect way with how he makes me feel lately. .

Looking back at everything, over the years I've known him and the years he has stolen my heart and soul. We used to talk, alot , and anyway we possibly could. We had this problem though of running away from one another when one of us would get too close to the other. We have been so destroyed by other humans who have claimed to love us ,and with that painful break we learned how to run away as fast as we could if anyone no matter who it was, once they got that close to us we ran fast and hard to get away. Also over the years, we got closer, became better friends, best friends. We listened to one another better, stood up for each other no matter what it was that they did wrong or good to someone we always stuck up for each other and we did it from more than 1,000 miles+ apart or just a few minutes drive down the street. We gave our friendship our all. We gave each other a love that not even us understood. However once that closeness came even between us we still ran, no matter how painful it was, we still ran. The silence over 2 1/2 years was hard. Life changed alot for the two of us in our separate lives.My mind would constantly wonder and think about him. The thought ran through my mind, down to my heart , then exploded into my soul. My love for this human, this wonderful man, my best friend was so intense I could feel his energy. It freaked me out because I could only feel him when we lived in the same state. However, to my knowledge he lived in many states across the U.S from Utah. Well turns out I was very wrong, and my soul was right. He was home. I can't remember who contacted whom first, or how we contacted one another, but it was like clock work. I felt his energy and it was not even a day, more like hours and we were talking like he had never left. Back to where we left off.. except he was committed.  Just my luck right?! Broke me so bad, but I stayed. I missed my friend. It was so nice to wander the city and take photos of whatever. Just being with him was all I honestly cared about. Hearing him talk, sing, watching him be a complete goofball was wonderful. For how empty I felt before that day from my divorce , was so dark and depressing. He lit up my life, my heart, my soul once again. It was so nice to be happy, to be light on my feet. It was the most unexplainable feeling I've ever had to just have my best friend back. Then I found out he was engaged to this girl. I swallowed my pride, I was happy for him that he was for once happy and going to settle down. That didn't last long. As we know, a few months passed by and we started talking again and this time we got pretty damn close, and not just friends either. We fell for each other hard.  Again.  But neither one of us was willing to run. After a few amazing months, I'm unclear of what all happened or why we stopped talking. We didn't run, we just faded. 

      It was strange.

                                   We had very little contact from October 2017 to  September of last year, 2019, Then either the day before or after or even on Thanksgiving he had me come over. He was drunk as he tended to be from time to time. He and I talked, we cuddled and one thing led to another. 

                    ....Breath...

 I remember waking up next to him; Best warm fuzziest ever. The ones he makes me feel are out of this world, no way to explain them because you can't. It's just love honestly.  Our bodies entangled together. His skin was like magic to me. I've never experienced bliss before until this moment. Sense then we have been inseparable, until well after my birthday in April this year things drastically changed. He was doing something more positive for himself to better his health. So from April 15,2020  today, May 23, 2020,  it has been hard for me and possibly him as well. I just don't know because he doesn't talk to me much anymore, even when I'm sitting next to him. We hardly talk, touch, look at each other, goof off, kiss, make love/have sex, hug, hold hands. Kisses on the forehead have stopped, texting slowed wayy the fuck down, open communication came to a halt; which was weird cuz he and I a few days before my birthday talked about how happy we were that we could come together sit down and talk about anything and everything no matter what it was about. He and I could talk about it, work through it and get through anything. Now... With all this change, he doesn't talk about anything hardly ever. He avoids me when I bring up things that bother me, doesn't answer any real serious question I ask or text him about. He hardly is exciting to have me come over when we couldn't wait for our weekends or our Tuesday nights for our time together. I feel like I bug him even when he says I don't bother him. His body language says so differently. So I'll stay from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon then I  go home. When I would get to him the first thing always was a kiss and hug hello. Come Monday it was always a hug and kiss goodbye however we never wanted to let go, or have me go home. He used to tell me that I was home so I didn't need to go home. His home was my home and he wanted to keep it that way because he hated how he felt when I wasn't there with him. Now; I go over there and no hug, no kiss just a hi how are you? That's it. No excited ness in his voice. He now asks me when I think I'm going home. Or how long I'm staying this time.. we hardly ever shower together, craft together. However , we have had a few nights by the fire but with like 5 to 10 feet between us. The silence that I could hear past the fire crackling and making its own little firework show, was painful. I sat by myself hardly on my phone. While he was always checking his phone or playing a game as he sat farway but next to me while I stared and watched the fire. I thought my heart breaking deafening, I was wrong. To me he didn't notice, he didn't care. Because even if he couldn't hear it, anyone who is connected to any human like he and I are.  You would feel it, you could see it. Yet he said nothing nor did he ask. Once we went inside he was quick to go take a warm bath upstairs which I can't ever join him...ever.  I don't take baths at home cuz my tub is tiny and it doesn't stay warm for nothing. However he and I used to love taking baths together all the time. Shit I remember one time tell him no it was okay that's just he goes to take one and I'd wait for him. He looked at me with the most shocked face, grabbed my wrist to pull me closer to him. He grabbed my waist and threw me over his shoulder and took me into the bathroom, locked the door and told me I was going to take a cuddle bath with him because that's what we do. I laughed so hard just because of how he said it. Mind you this man, this human, I would move mountains for. He is the first person I have ever had in my life who accepted me 2000% and I accepted him 2000% flaws and all.  Anyhow back to where I was; We cuddle like maybe 10% of the time when we sleep. Before we always made sure that even if we couldn't cuddle some part of our body or skin was touching the whole night. Most nights he either had me pulled so close into his body with his arms wrapped around me, not letting go. Or I held him so close into me and my arms wrapped so tight around him. 

 It's rare that this happens anymore.

......breath.....

 I feel so broken; like it's my fault.  anytime I bring it up or ask about us and what is kinda eating at my brain.. he says we are good and that he loves me . So things have changed. I just think he lost the spark he used to get with me. What changed everything, was he decided to make a change for his health and stopped drinking and smoking. He has over a month sober from drinking and about 3 weeks of no smoking. I couldn't be more proud of him. He was so unsure if he could do it again. He has blown me away with how much he has been working out. We go on walks that aren't very talkative and silent. He is just less interested in us. In me. I feel like because if you were in my shoes..how would you feel with such a drastic change? However he still has his moments that last a few minutes to maybe a few hours and only for one day possibly two; if I'm lucky but never the whole time I'm there like it used to be, then back to what he is doing. He has these raspberry moments, like the raspberry you give people on their tummies to tickle them. Well I'm a very ticklish person, he does this and doesn't stop. I can't stop laughing, I can't breath, due to my laughter, we are having a blast. I can't complain because I've missed this terribly. Then he stops, then it goes silent again in the room around js.. Also mind you we haven't really kissed or made love in over a month. He says it's his antidepressants which it very much could be and he has told me that. However with everything else I feel like I'm not enough. That I'm not what he wants anymore. Oh side note I gave him a ring that means alot to me because it is a ring that I designed for him years ago when we first got together. I was planning on breaking the rules . Before he moved years ago I was going to ask him to marry me. Well, when he found the box in my room, he opened it and looked at it. Asking me who it was and if it was my ex husband. I told him it was what I had made for you. He was shocked, and put it on. We exchanged small vows, and it was just us, because that all we needed was us. No paperwork because you don't need a piece of paper to tell you how much you love someone. 

He used to wear his ring  all the time, every day 24/7, he never claimed that the ring bugged him either. Now, he hardly wears it . Complains that it bugs him because he normally doesn't wear any jewelry except his Celtic cross; which we both have one. I fell in love with it, and copied him. If I remember correctly he gave me mine after we were together for 4 or 6  months but I am not forsure on that.So I feel awful that I did this a few weeks ago...

 I took his ring one day to see if he would notice at all. He didn't. I was fucking broken. One weekend I was over there after having his ring all week, and him unaware that I took it. He showered, then got dressed and asked if I had seen his ring? I played dumb and told him no. He started to panic a little, continuing looking for it, as he was looking he told me how he took it off this morning to do yoga because he got all sweaty and he didn't want to loose it; mind you I wasn't there this morning when he did yoga, I got there in the late afternoon. So him telling me this, I thought well fuck maybe he may really want to wear it this time, I was excited about this thought.  I told him I'd look in his closet because maybe it was on his dresser in there. Also side note his ring was in my pocket this whole time as he is sitting there looking for his ring and lying to me.  So I walk into his closet, pretend to find it. He walked over so quickly. Hugged me kissed my forehead and said he loved me and didn't know what he would have done if he lost that ring because it means everything to him. At this point I feel like it doesn't mean anything to him. He didn't worry about it till after I was there a couple of hours and also didn't notice it wasn't there for a whole week.  Next time I took it,it was on his bookshelf, it had been for a few days. I was struggling so I wore it to feel him.. his love, his energy. I forgot I was wearing it and went home with it on. Few days passed, I was getting ready to head over to his house and I told him how I had his ring, and also why I had it. Again his ring was missing, The ring he loved so much and felt empty when he didn't have it on. Well again, I had it he didn't know until I told him I had it because I forgot I wore it when I was depressed and couldn't get out of a very dark place.. Not once did he ask if I had seen it or anything.. sure tells me alot when he didn't worry about it for a week or a little bit longer than a week. The next day he and his mom went out thrift shopping. I chose not to go because of the current state my mind was in. While they were gone I decided to place his ring on his speaker, right by his side of his bed. When he returned home I was gardening with his dad outside. Once we both went back down to his room, he noticed his ring . He thanked me for giving it back. Then in the next ten minutes it wasn't on the speaker anymore, the whole weekend I looked to see if he was wearing it, he wasn't, and he still isn't. So where it disappeared to is beyond me. Also he doesn't send me funny, cute,sexy photos of himself at all anymore. We used to send them to each other all the time. Sadly I've stopped sorta because I get responses like "having fun?" Or no response at all... NVM I've written a lot and I have 1 follower. I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I honestly have no one to vent this to. He said I can always vent to him, and I've tried with this before but I guess it's all in my head because he won't ever really talk about it or answer anything anymore... It honestly ripped my heart out, tearing my soul to tiny bits. He doesn't see all this, that I'm going through or experiencing and it's like he doesn't care. I just need reassuring that this isn't all in my head and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He also is avoiding me when I ask if I can come over or when I can see him next. This has been the first week like a full week that we haven't seen each other. He hardly texts or calls or responds to my texts and it kills me. It kills me to think that he is done. But treating someone like this and how it makes me feel is uncalled for, also unnecessary to do to someone who you love mind, heart and soul. It fucks a human up. Drives them insane. But what do I do if I am wrong? What if this is all in my head and things are only going this way because I'm projecting them? I honestly need someone to see this, a stranger, a human, alien, anybody. I need an answer to this issue that I'm experiencing. I need a human to talk to that isn't scared to talk to me like I feel like he is. I can't take this. I need to know if I am projecting and fucking shit up or if he really doesn't give a shit and doesn't love me but doesn't have the balls to tell me and end it.

I hate saying let alone think that.

Thank you for hearing me vent and what not. I just need someone, anyone. So I'm begging anyone, I wouldn't care if he stumbled upon this himself and read it. Maybe if I was lucky he would respond to it, to prove to me that I'm projecting and to knock this shit off because he truly loves me . If he does find this and read it I hope he proves to me that he loves me and cares because my brain is evil all the time and I've just needed an amazing hug and one life changing kiss like he used to give me daily. I don't want to lose him. I love him with everything I am. I just can't handle this pain. 

P.S.