#beyond personal

It’s real. It’s raw and most of all, it’s personal.

I’ve been…let’s just say… in purgatory…for a lot longer than I expected. The start of it was in the afternoon, on the last day of April 2021 all the way until December 20th 2024. The rest of 2021 until 2024 I was essentially gone, 2024 I was flickering on and off, more and more as time went on. But as of now…

I made it out, but I didn’t make it out completely alive and unscathed. But at least now, I’m licking my open wounds, instead of picking at them to keep them open. A few layers of brain fog has lifted by just being away from that place as long as I have been so far, which is a matter of only days so far.

Going back, Sunday, December 15th; approximately 5:22pm I think? I woke up choking on my own blood, I was bleeding out of my nose and mouth, and it wouldn’t stop. Ended up calling 911, but only after I had fully considered just…..letting it happen if it was going to. But the blood loss was more than severe. I was told that it’s a good thing I got help, because even though it’s not common, I probably wouldn’t have stopped bleeding. Seemed a bit dramatic, but with the way I was feeling and having had soaked through an entire roll of paper towels….yeah. I was kept in the hospital for a couple days, for various treatments, and tests. Some of those tests, especially one in particular, wasn’t particularly good news. At that point I had pretty low expectations, but that was one that took me off guard completely, despite the obvious factors. I’m keeping it all to myself for now. But then my plans were all blown to hell, and essentially by the time I got out, still feeling like hell, I had so much to do. But I managed to get it done.

Now there’s only a couple things left to go that tie me to that awful place. Then I’ll be able to close that chapter entirely, and materialistic items aside, only taking with me the lessons learned, and highlighted events, only to be able to know what not to do, so as to not ever find myself in those circumstances and in that living situation, ever again.

It’s going to be a long road, and still having some pretty difficult stuff to untangle. But the most vital to figure out/fix first, would be my deteriorating physical health. Can’t exactly work on anything or make any real progress if I’m dead, y’know? I’m still kind of on board with Quantum Immortality, but that’s not for this post

. Anyway. Haven’t been on here or written any thing on here in awhile. Surprisingly some people have let me know that they read these things, and have been following my purgatory timeline, or what I’ve written of it at least from time to time. I’ve left a lot of the more intense things out of anything I’ve posted so far. And even if no one reads these, it’s just nice to have a little corner of social media where no one but a few mutuals/followers know me IRL. And because of that, I’ve been able to express myself more freely when I was in a place where I wasn’t free. Or so I thought at least. Plus I can use some of these to reference moving forward, if I ever get too comfortable or complacent while still having a ways to go.

I’m going to lay down, sleep isn’t coming easy, holidays are hard, for some reason I had hoped to spend them with someone I love, but those plans got dashed and for what reason? Who knows. But I’m going to listen to some good girl hypnosis, meditate, manifest, all the positive energy that I can. Afterall, I don’t just want to be called a good girl. I want to BE a good girl, on multiple levels, and most of all, be able to show for it too. God I’m craving dom structure and guidance so badly, and anyone willing to take me on right now would have me in my entirety, mind, body and soul. But….unfortunately, there’s just so much of…just so much damage, and I’ve only met one person to be able to calm that down and temporarily ease the chaos. But I think they’re gone for good this time. So let’s just add a lot more hurt on top of it all….so much for easing the chaos.

I need to figure out what people to bring with me on this journey and who to leave behind. I don’t have very many people as of the last few years, but for some reason that makes it harder. And when it comes to some, I don’t know if they’re actually wanting me to get better, or low key they want to see if I can manage to do worse.

Big time.

I don’t even really know why. Just everything has me feeling extremely low, isolated and just down/out, but it’s conflicting because I also don’t want to be around people in person. Like one of those “I want to be alone but I don’t want to be lonely” feelings/thoughts, even though I’ve been trying to not isolate myself as much lately. Not to mention when mental health crosses over into affecting physical health.

I don’t like my brain today 😔

🌸

Imagine that, just enjoying the idea/concept of a mentally unstable goth girl, while considering yourself being a well put together, well rounded individual with the whole “crazy goth girls are freaky in bed” fetish, but calling it being in love with her.

But then basically agreeing she’s unworthy of love because it’s hard for her to reciprocate immediately and easily, or even enough to “their liking”, because she had an unstable and chaotic childhood, has no family anymore, and has a lot of trauma and issues that she’s making attempts at working through….

Let’s break it down, yeah?

So yeah, women like me, we have walls. Why? Because trying to be on the receiving end of love has been nothing but sheer, sharp constant disappointment and heartbreak. Whether it’s family, friends, partners, lovers. Etc. and when women like me have provided all the love we have to give and more to these people, regardless of our issues and mental state, all they did was take it, chew it up, absorb what they wanted to absorb from it, spit it out.

But you want to know something? Regardless of what someone’s been through, past or present, or what they might go through in the future…If you take the time, see it through, have patience, treat them kindly and compassionately, we will feel safe enough to let you tear those walls down. Most of the time, you’ll be met with endless love, affection, and loyalty.

Now, to be fair on both sides, you might be met with some hesiststion and inconsistency at times, but it’s not always going to be that way. Just at first, because when we’ve let someone in, after the walls melt away, and gave them everything they wanted, but then only to be met with the same treatment that built those walls in the first place.

Now if your mindset goes straight to “well they’re being inconsistent, so I’m going to be that way too. “ congrats, any progress you made to make her feel safe enough to let those walls down, has been undone entirely and depending on how badly I feel hurt or let down, I might end up with all the walls back up and even a brand new wall, and it might just end up with your name written and carved all over it.

Men and women with chaotic, violent, unpredictable, unstable or unsafe childhoods are deserving of love too. Chances are, they take their pain and repressed emotions out on themselves and not another person.

While I agree and must say, no one should have to stick it out and suffer through what is clearly a toxic relationship, it just means you weren’t meant for that person. If you’re miserable, make each other miserable, there’s nothing left, feelings change, they treat you poorly constantly, they bring out the worst in you. Be honest with them, on either side, have the conversations if you can, but if it’s highly abusive, just leave. Go no contact. However If you just simply change your mind, and want someone who has their shit together completely, someone simple, privileged, and easier for you, and not someone who has had a rough go at it(even if they’re still trying to make progress), then seek that simplistic person out instead of playing mind games with someone else who’s not mentally capable of dealing with it.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to love, and to receive love. Regardless of the past, any sort of present day mental or emotional baggage, or how stable and put together they may seem to be. However, Love is not for the faint of heart and it never will be, and if you find someone is “easy to love”, it won’t always be easy that way. Just as it won’t always be difficult either. Being that open and vulnerable with another person, always runs the risks as well as the opportunities. Pros and cons. No one is comfortable being vulnerable no matter how much they have their shit together or not.

I’m fully convinced, personally speaking on my behalf, If you’re looking for ease, then you’ve come to the wrong person. If you’re looking for a normal, conventional, and simplistic person. That is not me. I’m not first love, “beginner” level girlfriend material. I’m not saying I’m this kind of horror expert hard mode girlfriend either. At least I hope not. I just know I require time and patience and a lot of mutual understanding for things to work. I can be frustrating, nonsensical, self destructive, and too much. My highs are peak and my lows can’t get much lower sometimes.

I’m continually trying, at the very least, to find a balance. Some days I make more progress and try harder than others. But if I have to understand that I can’t instantly just become a balanced person suddenly, then anyone else who wants to be in my life should understand that as well.

I keep finding myself thinking “I’m too much of not enough” as a way to describe myself and I’m at the point where I don’t know if this is true and accurate or if I’m giving myself low blows, and putting myself down again.

Nothing seems certain right now, nothing at all.

I’m trying to build a balanced structure on a crumbling, broken and uneven foundation, and no permit for construction. Seemingly, I’m constantly giving myself the incorrect blueprints to make it a safe and functional structure. Often having to tear it down (or i accidentally allow it to be torn down), and have to start from the ground up, on that same old unstable foundation. Do you know how frustrating and limiting that can be?

I feel like I need to just scrap the whole project, find more even ground, and rebuild a strong foundation again, before I can even begin to map out a blueprint for a strong, safe, and reinforced structure that can withstand the harshest of storms. How I can do that? I don’t really know to be honest. It’s just like, I know what I want, and the overall goal, but the steps to get there are convoluted and over complicated. I try to listen to advice, but then I find myself wondering, if the advice is from the same kind of people who helped destroy my foundation in the first place? And by the time I figure it out, it’s too late. Destruct, destroy, rebuild, repeat.

Just something that’s been on my mind lately. Then a conversation I had today really kind of hit me the wrong way, about what someone should be seeking in a partner or not, or who is worthy of love or not. Shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did. But here we are.

I think I might show some of my written out thoughts like this post to my therapist in the upcoming appointment this week. Mostly because when I find myself face to face with the therapist and after all the anxiety of just trying to make sure I get there and everything works out to be there, I can’t really find the right words to say, or I’m not in the right mind set to explain much of what I had planned on talking about. Sometimes I really hate that I can express myself more accurately through solo writing, rather than in conversation, let alone speaking out loud. Phone calls have become dreadful because of this, and I’m never comfortable speaking much anymore, mostly because of other people making me feel so small in conversation or “correcting me”, or just simply not listening to me when I do have something to say.

I’m tired of having to watch what I say and the discomfort of verbally connecting with someone, due to the fear of it being turned around or weaponized against me. Often times it’s not the words themselves that I say, but the underlying context or point I’m trying to make, but especially in arguments, my spoken words are just taken at face value, and nothing more.

It’s made me so apprehensive, uncomfortable, and unsocial.

it’s the repetitive nature of if I’m having a bad mental day, and I can’t find it within myself to desire or reciprocate conversation, especially sexual conversations or conversations with sexual undertones, then I’m met with hostility, attitude, or passive aggressive/short replies. Which in turn makes me just feel even more uncomfortable, unwilling and even guilty at times. I’m a sexual person, but if I’m uncomfortable, I just can’t be. I won’t be.

I seriously want to just simply feel comfortable with socializing, communicating and connecting, without feeling so pressured, small or insignificant. I want to be vulnerable and open without being made to feel like a bad person. I want to let go, and stop holding everything back (good and bad), without someone “trying” to get a negative reaction out of me, especially if I don’t reply in a timely, concise or expected manner.

I want to refuse to believe that is asking for too much….but….is it?

TLDR; Love me fully or not at all. I want to get better, be more open with my thoughts, feelings and emotions on a personal level, genuine human connection. But , being vulnerable to the wrong people all my life has really taken it’s toll, regardless I’m trying, making small progress, but it’s not to a consistent point just yet. Oh, and Me not voice speak out loud good, I guess. (I know)

I have tummy cramps, my head hurts, brain is tired. I need to retreat, and sleep off the bad thoughts/vibes if I can, I just feel incredibly off put, and have most of the day today. I’ll try to reset and start new tomorrow. Ctrl + alt + dlt and force restart.

It always sounds so dramatic, not taken seriously at all, or begs the question “have you had your meds today?”

But there’s no one really around to ask that, these days. And yet I’m still in this prison of a house, running out of time, and no real clear vision for what’s about to happen to me and any/everything I care about or have left.

So I find myself at odds with myself. What am I going to do to with myself?

I liked myself a lot more when I was in a passive aggressive suicidal ideation state. My “fuck around and find out” “chaotic good/evil” state that has been slowly conditioned out of me. Now as reckless and careless as this sounds…it’s just what I needed. To care less. Less overthinking. Being less reserved. Taking more action.

But that was before all the recent trauma; now Trying to find a sense of focus and energy, having a “drive” to improve and the will to become better….but without drugs….and surrounded by constant reminders of trauma.

Ideally: I’m trying to kill off my former self, and give myself a sense of purpose and reform. VS wanting to actually just end it all VS already thinking I’m dead.

Mental illness is a trip.

Every car door I hear close by, every locking beep noise, every sound that’s even close to sounding like a gate opening and closing.

I jump, my stomach feels like poison, I’m scared, and I just close my eyes, listen for the keys and the back door, and hope/beg for just one more day that the time has run out.

And as much relief as I feel, when a few minutes goes by, and the door isn’t being opened. I breathe and open my eyes. Knowing that one of these times, it’s going to actually be what I’m afraid of.

I’ve always relied on certain survival tactics, from childhood until now, one of which is knowing and being 2 moves ahead, being able to plan out what will happen, and what to do or say to handle it how I need it to be handled. Peace keep.

But this? This is uncertain. I have a few ideas of what’s going to go down but I can’t be sure. People can be predictable until they regress to such an immature and irrational mindset and disposition, if this were poker, I wouldn’t bet much, cause it’s a wild card and I got dealt a fucking shit hand.

“My guess is you’ve had a truly hellish life, the kind that not everyone survives”

I’m so tired of getting hurt, and just when I think to myself “well god damn, no one can possibly even touch me. Let alone hurt my “feelings”, I’m sure of it”

Color me impressed. But not surprised really.

My ignorant ass let’s someone in a little too close, out of this desperate need for some kind of a human connection, a deeper connection. Someone that just understands me, understands it all; and I understand them.

Or at least I believe them when they tell me so.

Because in order to get that raw connection, you have to blindly throw yourself into total trust and hope for the best. Hope that this is the time that it’ll be different, so sure of it now, no really, this time for sure, right? Please just don’t make me wrong again.

But here we are, crying alone. Trying to numb ourselves out. Trying to stop crying and being weak. I didn’t prepare myself properly for it this time, precautious planning or plan b or a plan c just seemed so unnecessary this time. I have to believe fully this time for it to work right? For someone to actually stay…right? I don’t think anyone is really planning on staying for much longer than what serves them. It makes sense. That’s not the part that hurts each and every time.

It’s the fact that it seems like they try just a little bit harder after each time I’m broken more and alone again. Each Person just a little more convincing than the last. But this was different

It felt different

I didn’t have to actively choose to believe. I just did. And it felt correct. Comfortable.

But now more than ever, I can say with 100% certainty, even if I was safe, even if I was absolutely loved, cared for, and comfortable. I know now, I wouldn’t even recognize it anyway.

So why waste the really really good shit on someone who can’t even see it for what it really is?

You tried. That’s more than most.

My own family didn’t even try or make an attempt that bold.

So now I guess I’ll lick my wounds, get a fucking grip, suck it up, and harden the walls even more so than ever before. I want to be an unrelenting, resilient, unbreakable force of fucking chaos again.

A force that wasn’t led by their feelings, or made choices based off of their emotions.

If I don’t figure out how, and soon, like very soon, then I think that’s going to be a wrap. Because the line im walking, is getting so fucking thin. The line between suck it up princess, and becoming completely unapologetically unhinged.

It scares me a little. Embarrassing to admit it, but if someone needs to know the truth of it all, why not tumblr eh? You already know about my deepest darkest kinks that aren’t made public, so why not my descent into total untrusting inhuman chaotic insanity? Because let’s be real. There’s no “aesthetic” to this kind of shit, there’s no “glamorizing” the shit it’s going to take to not feel a god damn thing anymore. There’s no “acceptance” from anyone anymore. No family, no friends, no lovers. And for the first time, I’m wondering if I’m capable of not accepting them either. Just complete and total numb. Because if I’m not feeling anything painful or bad…that’s still good….right?

….right? It all sounds well and good, reading through it as I typed it out. But it’s far more embarrassing to type out the reality of who I am, how I’m feeling, and the amount of bullshit and hurt and pain I’m willing to take, even still…just to not feel so alone right now. I’m weak, and I wish I knew what it took to be strong and cold and uncaring. To truly let that which does not matter…or even the shit that should matter….actually, and fully, slide.

I’ll figure it out eventually, I have to…don’t I?

What’s the alternative? Because I still feel scared. Wounded. Vulnerable. Weak. Fragile.

Can you tell me how to fix it? Who really actually knows? How can you know for sure? Or do you just want to hurt me too. I promise for as popular it may seem, it’s not very fun for me, and I’m sure it’s pretty lacking for them too.

…My pain even can’t seem to meet any expectations…like fuck. What do I do with that? Where do I even go from there?

I’m lost now, a bit confused, but mostly scared. But I think that’s why certain medications were invented in the first place. Smoke em if you got ‘em.

Yeah. So uh, daddy issues, amirite, tumblr? I managed to sexualize that one and make it weirdly enjoyable. Can I do that for every little thing that gets to me? If anyone is going to tell me, it’s tumblr.

Here’s to wishful thinking, medicating into numb bliss and long sleep, and putting that little idea of one day becoming that agent of unrelenting, unbreakable chaos, out into the universe and hope that some sort of deity takes pity on my totally pathetic and unstable frame of mind.

Wake up, please?

Wake up

Call.

Wake up.

Help.

I don’t want to, I’m scared, please wake up, please call. I was being too stubborn, and you were too intoxicated. I still need you. Now more than ever before. The real you, not this weird dream state version, I know what’s real now. But please Wake. Up.

Because if you wake up then….

You can wake me up…Right? ..please?