#beimpressive

As I sat at my OA meeting this afternoon, I listened to a woman talk about how she constantly compared herself to others and never felt like she “stacked up.”

I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder as I listened to her for a couple of reasons. One, she has come across to me in the past as someone who is always trying to impress. She has an affected way of speaking and often looks around for reaction when she shares. I find it very off-putting.

Second, I realized that one of the reasons I bristle at her and others like her is that I recognize a bit of that trait in myself. Yep, as Swiss poet Hermann Hess wrote, “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.”    

The need to impress is a deep need I’ve worked to understand. And here’s what I’ve come to understand. There is a difference to “seeming” impressive and “being” impressive.

When you want to seem impressive, you are being fulfilled externally. You cannot simply do something. You need the whole world to know. Paid for someone’s coffee then posted about it on FB? That’s a need to be seen as impressive.

If you have to brag, self-congratulate, or look around for praise, then you may be in the “seem” category. If you have to tell others about yourself and your accomplishments, you may be in the “seem” category. If you are constantly looking for validation and compliments and posting selfie after selfie and listing your exercise/work/parenting accomplishments, ask yourself why. Do you need the validation? The praise? Do you need someone else to pat you on the back and say, “Yes, you are quite impressive.”

Then ask why? It’s a question I’ve asked myself for years.

It’s a question that gets lost in this age of reality TV and 15 minutes of fame and seeing how many followers we have on social media and how many shares and likes we get.

Why?

In my case it came down to not knowing myself. Of doing what I felt was expected, be it from family, my husband, or society at large.

Instead, I’ve worked hard to just BE. Not be impressive, not be amazing, not be perfect. Just BE.

I gave up seeming and longing and tracking response. Instead, I ask myself, did I do good today? Did I make someone, just one person, smile and feel better about themselves?

Did I make myself smile and feel good?

If so, I’ve done my job. I’ve BEEN. If not, I’ve looked at how I can do better next time. I put in the work so I can BE and not seem.

There are no short cuts in life. There is no cosmic counter of likes and shares and followers. There’s just you.