TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION
“Before you go” by Lewis Capaldi
Original fic - sarcastically-defensive17
The moment it happened, he was in shock. A rough, but short laugh snapped it's way from his lips, but the tears filling his eyes shone true.
A quick, "yeah, next joke," to her mother was met with silence. The woman was as quiet and as still as the beating of his heart.
Feet moved on their own accord, crumbling beneath him. Anger rushed to the surface, where his grief sat, overwhelming the emotion and cursing the very woman that caused such feelings.
I fell by the wayside like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself.
He was lying. He knew. He could never hate her.
He knew where his anger was, and who it was that he truly cursed.
How could he not see? How could he not know the pain she was going through?
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
The minutes turned into hours, the hours into days. Dressed in black, tears streaming down his face. An older hands clasped in his, a mother and a lover sharing their grief.
Who would have thought somebody like her could leave them? Somebody so pure, so kind. Somebody who lights up a room with just a smile.
Somebody who would light up a room with just a smile.
Maybe he wasn't there for her. Maybe he didn't show her how much he loved her. Maybe he wasn't enough to help her.
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless.
"She has been hiding this for a long time. There is nothing you could have done to help her," her mother would tell him, maternal hand rubbing his shoulder softly, "She loved you more than anything, Calum."
Did he not love her enough?
His mind rushes back to the missed calls. The night spent holding her in silence; claims of "I'm just tired" easing his worry.
He should have known better.
He knows, deep inside of his aching heart, he could have done more. Spent less time at the studio with the guys, spent more time with her.
Was never the right time, whenever you called.
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all.
He could have shown her the countless songs and poems that litter the pages of his notebook; all dedicated to the one woman.
The days turn into months. It hurts to look in the mirror and see the things she would adore. The chocolate brown eyes that she believed she could stare into for hours, the lips that she would kiss without getting bored. The face that should have been there for her when she needed it.
He thinks back to the last time he saw her. She looked unhappy; any fool could see that.
She hadn't slept, she had an almost permanent crease between her slightly unkempt brows. Yet she hid it all with a smile. She drowned her sorrows in the presence of calum and the dog she loved so much.
Our every moment, I start to replay,
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face.
He only knew she wasn't okay through her vacant stares. She claimed to be watching the television -her favourite movie, Clueless - but he knew better.
He could have asked her. He should have asked her. Instead he threw his arm over her shoulder and drew her closer with a kiss to the forehead.
He should have done more.
Within seconds the eyes she loved so much are overflowing, and the hand she used to hold connected itself with the bathroom basin.
He remembers how stoic he was and how he was so afraid of giving his heart to somebody else. He had been hurt too many times in the past, he couldn't bear to be hurt again.
It took months before he worked up the courage to ask her on a date, despite their mutual pining for nearly a year. He will never be able to thank Luke enough for introducing the two of them.
If only he let his walls down sooner. They had been together for almost a year and a half, yet he still had so much for her to know.
Would we be better off by now
If I'd have let my walls come down?
Maybe, I guess we'll never know
If only he could just ask her; why? Could he have done something? Was there something he could have said? What made her need to take her own life?
How can he do this without her?
