#beeps!

the thing that keeps niggling at my brain is buffy in “first date” saying “why does everyone in this house think im still in love with spike?”. she’s the only one to use “love” when talking about spike—that’s not the word that giles or willow uses. and the way it slips out, like it’s something she’s been chewing on in her brain, really makes me think that she’s come to acknowledge and understand that what she feels for spike is love. again, i think the love that she has for him by the end of s7 (the whole second half of s7, pretty much) is the full, whole version of that love, but i think (buffy thinks) that she has had some seedling of that love for a long time now. since she trusted him with dawn, maybe, or since she went to him for comfort in early s6, or since she had unhinged insanely intense sex with him, or since she hurt him and realised that she was also hurting herself. that love grows and fucking blossoms and matures into something pure and good and unbreakable and undeniable, but it grew from the feelings she had for him in s6.

im not gonna harp on w this because it’s been said a million different ways but i guess it bears repeating. buffy tells spike she loves him. buffy tells us (the audience) she loves him. there’s two options: she’s telling the truth or she’s lying. we have literally no textual or subtextual evidence to suggest that she’s lying to him. why would she be lying to him???? she's never lied about this before. and he KNOWS her. he knows when she’s lying. it wouldn’t be a comfort for him to be lied to in his final moments. she wouldn’t do that. why would she do that??? and also buffy is just Not the kind of person to lie about something like that because she thinks it will make them feel better? i genuinely can’t think of a single time she’s lied like that to save someone’s feelings. (not to say buffy doesn't lie. she does. just not like this). she’s not, like, brutally honest, but she understands the importance of honesty and trust and she would never break the trust she has with spike in this moment, regardless of the fact that he’s dying. so yeah i think buffy loves spike because she said she loves spike lol.

we can argue til the fucking cows come home about defining love and buffy’s capacity for love in s6 and the line between care and love etc etc but i think it’s pretty undeniable that buffy in s6 cares for spike. she has feelings for him (sex feelings and mushy feelings). obviously this is massively complicated by her depression and (speaking from experience) how fucking hard depression makes it to feel Anything. i think the most glaringly obvious instance of her feelings for him is their scene in “hell’s bells”. buffy acknowledges out loud and in her face (GOD her fucking face in this scene) that being without spike—seeing him with someone else, no matter how irrelevant that person is—hurts. she’s hurting. and god, if hurt isn’t the truest expression of love for buffy (that’s another essay), i don’t know what is.

...

overanalysing the show (as i am a Television Person first and foremost and i like to think i understand how they work):

btvs does a Lot of leg work in s7 to give us buffy and spike developing a relationship that’s healthy and mutual and caring and good. like upon rewatch it really is crazy. buffy’s relationship with spike is so separate from all her other relationships—but not in a negative way, like it was in s6. the show takes its time to let us know how spike’s changed, how buffy learns to trust him again, how she puts faith in him (LOL) not just as a protector and a fighter but as a man. she has faith in the person he is; she tells spike (and us) that she believes in his goodness, and that goodness is clearly important to her.

they also do this fucking insane thing in s7 which i LOVE so much (specifically in the last three episodes, but throughout the whole season really) where they give spuffy All of the big relationship moments. like. we don’t even see xander and anya kiss again for the first time. willow and kennedy are……… a mess. but we spend half an episode with buffy and spike talking to each other, with her baring her feelings to him, with him comforting her, and then with the two of them physically showing each other how they much care.

like. i don’t think you understand how fucking insane i felt when i watched "touched" for the first time. That, for me, was the moment that made me go. oh. oh okay. they’re fucking doing it. they’re making buffy and spike endgame.

cause, like, regardless of angel showing up and spike dying and “no you don’t” and ats s5 and blah blah blah. regardless of all that. (and honestly even WITH all of that) the show tells you that THIS is the relationship they’re leaving you with. THIS is the relationship that’s lasting for buffy. THIS is the one they want you to linger on, the one they want to stand out among all of buffy’s relationships, the one they want to be buffy’s Big Love Story.

they wouldn’t have done all that if they didn’t want to give us spuffy as the endgame couple. they just wouldn’t have gone that hard. it wouldn’t have made sense to do all that and then be like ‘that’s not her big love tho!!!! she doesn’t really love him!! they’re not ending up together!!!’

and look honestly i think the angel stuff in “end of days”/"chosen" is mostly just fan service. and i get it!!!!! we’re ending a show that’s fucking massive and has been massive for almost a decade, and that show started with buffy and angel!! it totally makes sense to have angel come in, give us that little moment of them, remind us that he’s still hanging around in la if we wanna hop on over to watch ats. but it’s not meant to be a ‘here’s buffy’s true love, here’s her endgame moment’. like. god could you imagine if that scene was supposed to be her Big Relationship moment lol it would have been so underwhelming imo. idk i just kinda feel like anyone with eyes would view “touched” as the conclusion to buffy’s relationship/love arc. after the hot fucking mess that has been her love life for the whole time we’ve been with her, here she’s found someone who sees her, fully, and who loves her, fully, and who she is comfortable and at peace and happy with. here’s someone who she wants, who wants her, and who she can have.

i guess my thing with the whole ‘does buffy love spike’ question is like. this is so obviously not an unrequited love story. s5? THAT’S an unrequited love story. that’s what it looks like when one character falls in love with another and their feelings aren’t reciprocated. s6? still unrequited love. a little more murky, definitely more complicated, but still: unrequited. they both want different things, they both feel differently about each other; there’s a piece missing. but s7???? s7 is so clearly obviously that love going both ways.

s7 is buffy and spike getting to know each other all over again. s7 buffy and spike is remorse and forgiveness and redemption. s7 buffy and spike is believing in each other no matter what, more than anyone, in the face of every darkness; it’s “you rely on him, he relies on you”; it’s working as a team, as partners, in life and death and war. it’s laughing together and being quiet together and teaching the potentials together and presenting a united front and communicating effectively (for the first time ever im so proud of them <3) and prioritising each other and taking care of each other and being fucking honest with each other above all else.

and like. that’s love. all of that is love. not unrequited love, not imbalanced love, not kind-of-love. that’s just real, full, honest love, babey. i really truly don’t understand how one could watch this show and not come away with that conclusion.

so yeah. i think buffy loved spike. i think she loved him because she said she did, and because she showed she did. and because there are no rules and my world is more fun this way :)

honestly, if we were gonna weigh them against each other (as love interests), i think tara and oz would be pretty close! they both have a very compelling narrative with willow, they both have some tremendous scenes, they both add to btvs in wonderful unique ways, they both love willow fully and completely, and are both really wonderful partners for her.

it’s hard for me to sink my claws into the question of tara/oz/willow without digging into willow’s sexuality + comphet + my personal experience + understandings of sexuality across the decades. and honestly i’ve written and re-written an extended version of my thoughts about this but i can’t land on something that actually encapsulates how i feel lol. and im a bit scared of someone getting mad at me (guys i have over 700 followers on this blog wtf!).

i digress. i love oz! i love willow and oz! god i was so thrilled for her to have an actual honest to god love interest instead of hopeless xander pining. i might gif willow and oz one day! and i might not, because willow and tara are always going to be the champions of my heart <3