#becausebutts

Also available at my Fanfiction.Net Page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/678820/Zenkx

And so the battle has ended.

Corypheus has been defeated… or rather sent back to the Fade by the Inquisitor. And everybody rejoiced.

Except for her.

Dorian watched her last night, during the banquet prepared by Josephine to celebrate their victory against the ancient evil that once threatened Thedas. The elven Inquisitor, Idril Lavellan, mingled with her guest that evening, smiling at her admirers and her friends as they congratulated her, but her smile never reached her violet eyes. Every once in a while, he would see her duck her head, and from the veil of her silver blond hair, Dorian saw tears form in her eyes. It worried him, as she was his friend, and it pained him to see her at such a state. As their night ended, he saw her retire to her room alone, and he had thought of bringing a bottle of Skyhold’s best vintage and join her, just to comfort her. But a certain lumbering Qunari came up to him, whispering naughty propositions at his ear, and he had ended up in The Iron Bull’s bed again.

The next morning, Dorian woke up late and tried to look for her, but she wasn’t around the grounds of Skyhold. Josephine admitted that she has not left her room at all, and he quickly went to the stairwell that led up to her room. He opened her bedroom door, which was thankfully unlocked, and when he entered, he was greeted with a most unusual sight.

Somebody had laid out several Orlesian carpets in the room, piled with blankets and pillows, with Idril lying on the middle of it, chewing on a cookie, while several people lay perpendicular on her, using the elf’s body as a head pillow.

Nestled on Idril’s left shoulder and neck was Cole, his hat removed and lying beside him, curled up in a fetal position. The boy looked like he was sleeping, but he noted that the boy was holding on to Idril’s wrist as she reached up with her left hand to play with his cheek and light blond hair, clearly comforting her with his presence.

Sera lay on Idril’s right side, using the other elf’s stomach as her pillow, as she looked up at the ceiling and chewed on a cookie, spilling crumbs on her neck and chest as she ate. A jar of the mentioned cookies lay precariously on her stomach, and Idril took one from it, giving the elf a short playful tickle.

And beside Sera was Varric, his head on her right thigh, polishing what looked like a gear from his crossbow, Bianca. It was him who noticed Dorian enter, and he looked at him, “Was there something you needed, Sparkler?”

Dorian grinned as he entered the room and stood near Idril’s head, and she smiled as she looked up at him. “Nothing really… I was just wondering if there was an orgy I wasn’t told of. But this seems like an awkward position to do it, though…”

Idril laughed as she reached up and grasped his ankle with her right hand, “Sorry. No nastiness going on here, Dorian. This is just my Cuddle Puddle.”

“Cuddle… what?”

“My Cuddle Puddle.” Idril said, “I defeated Corypheus. I saved Thedas. And I thought I should celebrate… but…”

Immediately, tears formed in her eyes and the three people around her reacted. Cole’s thumb moved, drawing circles on her wrist to comfort her, while Sera reached out and gave her cookie again, and Varric patted her knee. He bent over, the pity evident in his eyes as he looked at her.

During their journey to close the Breach and bring down Corypheus, Idril had been smitten with the elven apostate, Solas. Indeed, it was hard to not notice the doe-eyed looks, the immediate concern for each other’s welfare, or the time they spend talking in the rotunda that was Solas’ room. It was evident even to him that the two elves loved each other.

Until they returned from a trip to a glen in Creswood.

In a drunken rage with himself and Varric, Idril told them about what happened. Solas has told her the truth about her vallaslin, the red-tinged tattoos that used to vine on the skin of her forehead and around her eyes. He had told her that the tattoos were, in fact, slave markings during the time of ancient Arlathan. She had told him that he could remove them, and he did, telling her that she was free and that she was beautiful, kissing her passionately afterwards. But the man drew away, telling her that ‘he can’t’ and that he was ‘sorry’, even though she told him that she loved her. She cried herself into a drunken stupor, falling asleep in his and Varric’s arms. They did their best to help her, which must’ve work to some degree, as Idril was able to defeat Corypheus. But when their battle ended, Solas disappeared, but not before telling her that what they had was real.

And that left Idril… the Herald of Andraste… to become heart-broken.

He smiled down at her as he ran his hand on her forehead, now devoid of the markings that once decorated her skin. “Well, this won’t do. You can’t have a proper Cuddle Puddle without wine, my friend.”

Idril smiled up to him, wiping a tear that had fallen from her eye, “I’d like that, Dorian.”

He winked at her, before straightening, heading out of her room to the cellar.

*******

A few minutes later, Dorian found himself lying on Idril’s left hip beside Cole, holding on to a bottle of Aggregio. He had given two more bottles for Varric, and for Idril and Sera to share before settling down, and Sera gave him a cookie. He huffed as he looked up the ceiling and chewed, “You know, this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to a vagina.”

Idril laughed before letting go of Cole for a moment to smack him in the forehead, “No, you’re not. You came out of one.”

“And what a marvelous vagina it was to have given birth to me.” He smirked, causing Idril and Sera to chuckle, “So, is this a new way to brood, my friend? Because I think I rather like it.”

“No, it’s just my thing, I guess. If you like it so much, perhaps we should ask Cullen and Blackwall to cuddle you.” Idril said as she reached up to play with Cole’s hair again.

“Cullen, a definite yes to cuddling. Blackwall? Not so much.” Dorian said as he finished his cookie and drank some wine.

“Eww… Who would want to cuddle that? All that hair.” Sera scoffed as she ate another cookie.

Varric shrugged, “Some women like men hairy, Buttercup.”

“There’s hairy…” Sera said, reaching over to him to touch his chest hair, tickling the dwarf, before she reached up to Dorian to touch his moustache, “And then there’s this hairy. I don’t like ‘em both, yeah.”

“Is that why you prefer women, Sera?” Dorian asked as he fixed his moustache, smoothing it against his upper lip as the precarious elf had messed it out of order.

The other elf shrugged, “Yeah. But there’s one other thing.”

“And what would that be?” Varric asked as he stopped polishing the gear he was holding to look at her.

“Titties.”

Idril, Dorian and Varric laughed out loud, and Sera rose up a hand at her fellow elf, who gave her a high-five. “Well, I guess there is that. Titties are rather nice.”

Dorian turned his head to look at her, “Why, Inquisitor Lavellan, you’re not thinking of turning into a lesbian now, are you?”

Sera looked over at Idril, looking rather hopeful, but Idril merely laughed, “Oh Gods, no! I love penises way too much.”

Dorian and Varric laughed out loud again, and the Atlus mage held up his fist at Idril, who bumped her own fist against his as she had done with Sera. The other elf looked dejected as she returned on her position on Idril’s belly.

“Well, to that I can agree with.” Dorian said, and Idril smirked down at him. “Is that why you’re with the Iron Bull, Dorian?”

Sera guffawed as Dorian flushed in embarrassment before sighing, “Are we back to that again? It’s bad enough that Varric seems to know every detail of that encounter now.”

The dwarf chuckled as he raised his bottle to salute Dorian, “A storyteller needs to find his inspiration everywhere, Sparkles. I’ll make sure to include it in my next book.” He coughed a bit and spread his arms wide, “It’ll go something like… ‘The mage clung on to his lover’s horns, his breath coming in short pants as his Qunari assaulted him with passion that shook him to the very core, trying to still the screams of submission from his lips…’ ”

Idril shrieked an amused but scandalized scream that caused Varric to stop his story and laugh, while Sera laughed out loud on her belly. And for the first time in his life, Dorian remained quietly blushing on Idril’s hip, amused but still embarrassed from the dwarf’s narration… as it was rather on point with his relationship with The Iron Bull.

“I bet it’s like falling through trees into custard.” Sera chortled, rolling on Idril while doing obscene things with her hips, “ ‘Too high! Wham! Too fast! Wham! Leaves! Wham! SPLAT!’”

Dorian flushed into a deep shade of red as his three other companions laughed, and Sera nudged him, “So, is it serious between you and Bull, Dorian? What’s it like? Jousting?”

The Tevinter’s face finally broke into a grin, “Fewer horses, marginally. More cheering, definitely.”

They laughed out loud again, and Idril smacked him on the forehead gently, “Fewer horses? I would’ve thought that Bull ought to be built like a horse.”

“By the Gods, he is.” Dorian admitted as he gave Idril a wicked grin, “Honestly, I don’t know how to get up in the morning. This morning, too, in fact.”

“Mythal’s mercy, don’t!” Idril cried out as she laughed, “Don’t give me a mental picture, Dorian!”

Dorian let out a laugh as he spread his arms in grandeur, “Oh my, is our Inquisitor a prude? Shall I describe it to you? It is rather large and veiny… and it’s about this long and…”

The silver haired elf let out a shriek of indignation as she let go of Cole to cover his mouth with a hand, causing Sera and Varric to burst out into laughter, their eyes filling with tears of mirth. Dorian grinned against her palm, and he kissed it in jest. Idril let go of him to smack him on the shoulder before resuming her petting of Cole’s cheek. “Mythal’s mercy, that is just so wrong….”

“What about his rear, then, hmm? It is rather round and perky… delectably muscled even.” Dorian said as he took a swig of his wine.

“Oh, yeah. I think she’d like that more.” Sera said, still chortling on Idril’s belly, “Our Inquisitor is a rear admirer.”

Varric let out a chuckle before sighing, “Oh great, we’re back to butts now, are we? Perhaps with Sparkler here now, the Posterior Judging will begin.”

“Butts?” Dorian asked before looking at the dwarf, “You were talking about rear-ends a moment ago. How did that happen?”

“It started simple enough.” Idril said as she reached over to Sera to get another cookie, “Sera was wondering that since we saw the Fade in Adamant that the seat of the Maker was a real thing...”

“And a seat needs a butt to sit on it, yeah? So… the butt of the Maker, real thing.” Sera continued, “And from there were started talking about butts. Butts here with us. Inquisition butts.” The blond elf let out a giggle, “Inquisi-butts.”

“Am I allowed to join in the conversation? I have a perfectly admirable posterior, if I recall.” Dorian smirked as he looked up at the ceiling again.

“Is that why Bull’s been lagging behind us now, Dorian?” Idril asked.

“I believe so. He can’t get enough of it, I’m certain.”

The two women chuckled, and Dorian drank some wine and snapped his fingers at Idril, “So, whose posterior would you prefer, Inquisitor?”

Sera poked Idril at her side, causing the Inquisitor to jolt a little, as she was rather ticklish, “She was thinking of our Commander’s arse.”

Idril looked at the other elf in shock, “Sera!”

“I bet it’s from the trainin’, yeah? Templars are always doing exercises and shite.” Sera continued, as if she didn’t hear Idril.

“I’ve been in Circle towers, perhaps Cullen got his rear that muscled because of all those stairs.” Dorian said, “It’s quite an exercise, running through all those stairs from one abomination to the next. And you, my dear girl, have a most excellent taste in behinds. Bravo, Inquisitor!”

Idril’s face turned red, but she smiled down at Dorian, “Why, thank you, messere. I am a bit of a connoisseur in the art.”

Dorian patted her arm, “I can see that. Picking the most best out of them…”

The violet-eyed elf grinned and moved her leg, jolting Varric, “Varric’s got a cute butt, too, actually.”

Sera chortled, “Dwarf-butt.”

Varric chuckled as he looked up at Idril and winked at her, “Why, thank you, Inquisitor. I am honored you think so. If you had seen as many dwarf butts as I have, you would realize what a compliment that is.”

Idril raised an eyebrow, “What? Why do see so many naked dwarf butts, Varric?”

“Because I make any Carta thief take off their pants before I shoot their asses full of bolts from Bianca.” The dwarf said, making Idril chuckle, before shrugging and saying, “But back to our Commander Curly’s posterior…”

“Actually, it seems like all templars have a good looking behind.” Idril said thoughtfully, chewing on a cookie as she stared up the ceiling, “I mean, Cassandra’s got a good girly backside, right? And do you remember the King of Ferelden… King Alistair? We saw him in Redcliffe? I heard he used to be a templar before he became a Warden, and he’s got a good one, too, under that tunic.” She chuckled, “I bet the Hero of Fereldan grabbed that ass often.”

“King Alistair is an ass… both literally and figuratively.” Dorian assented, “Letting mages roam Redcliffe unchecked, honestly. But let us not get too far up there, yes? There are plenty of… as Sera calls it… Inquisi-butts here with us.”

But the blond haired elf chuckled, “ ‘Get too far up there…’”

Both Dorian and Idril silenced as they thought of what was funny, before they laughed out loud at the innuendo, “Yes, quite. I believe I dug that hole myself, didn’t I?” Dorian said smirking as Sera and Idril laughed out loudly again, “But back to our Inquisi-butts…”

“Blackwall’s got a good one.” Idril commented, while Varric shook his head, “Why is it that soldiers have great looking arses?”

“Eeeww… hairy arses.” Sera said, wincing as she bit a cookie, “Kind of makes you wonder if he’s got hair in… places.”

Dorian scoffed, “Well, with that much hair on his face, of course he’s got it in other places, Sera. He’s like a walking, talking, fighting ball of hair and brawn.”

“Which kind of makes him the total opposite of Josephine, yeah?” Sera said as she moved her head from Idril’s tummy to peer at Dorian, “She’s all smooth and shite, and he’s rougher than friggin’ sandpaper.”

“Oh yes, I did hear about that.” Idril said as she twirled Cole’s hair on her fingers, “I thought they liked each other. I even saw the flowers Blackwall gave in Josephine’s table. But how come they aren’t… you know, together?”

Dorian scoffed as he snapped his fingers at Sera, and the elf gave him a cookie, “Blame Orlesian politics and melodrama, my friend. ‘La splendeur des coeurs perdus’ or some strange drabble. Apparently, they can’t be together because of the differences in their station. A pretty daft concept, I admit… but then again, our dear ambassador is as much of a romantic as our Seeker, it seems.”

Sera laughed, “Can’t imagine Josie reading all those books Cassandra’s been reading. But I bet she has… because you know… smut.”

Idril let out a snort of laughter, “Mythal’s mercy, the thought of Josephine reading ‘Swords and Shields’…” She shook her head and lifted it as she jiggled her leg, making Varric look at her, “Speaking of Swords and Shields, just how exactly were you able to write that, Varric? The way you described everything seemed so… vivid.”

The dwarf on her thigh chuckled as he continued to polish the gear he was holding, “I had a pirate captain during my travels with Hawke named Isabela. She had… quite an itch.” Idril laughed a little as he described his friend, “During our adventures, she would often read these things she wrote… ‘friend-fiction’, she called it… for one of our companions in Kirkwall. I had permission to… copy from her works…”

“Hang on…” Idril said, her eyebrow rising, “Are you telling me ‘Sword and Shields’ was based on some sort of… erotic fan fiction written for Guard Captain Aveline Hendyr of Kirkwall?”

Varric’s broad face broke into a grin, and he wiggled his eyebrows in confirmation, causing Idril to slap a hand on her forehead and laugh in mirth, “By the Dread Wolf! I hope you don’t do anything like that to me, Varric.”

“Well, you haven’t exactly divulged any juicy information on your relationship with Chuckles, Inquisitor….”

The dwarf slapped a hand on his mouth, looking up at Idril in alarm, as the answer came out of him unwittingly. Even Dorian and Sera grew quiet, waiting for a violent reaction from Idril, but other elf merely sighed and continued petting Cole, “Well, to be honest, nothing juicy really happened, Varric.”

Dorian breathed out a sigh of relief before looking at her, a little apprehensive at what he was about to ask, “But… the way you talked to each other… I was so sure that he…”

But Idril shook her head, “No, nothing happened. It was just… talks… kisses… meaningful discussions of the Fade and elven history. Nothing more. He didn’t… even say that he loved me back.”

Varric winced, “Well… shit. I’m sorry I brought it up then.”

“No… no, it’s alright.” Idril said as she closed her eyes and breathed in deep, “I was… hurt by what he did. But now… now I think I can make it. He may have left me, but you guys haven’t. As long as I have you all, I know that I’m good.”

They silenced together, basking in the comfort of each other’s presence. Cole opened his eyes and grasped her left wrist again, drawing circles on her palm in a comforting notion. Sera reached out and took her right hand, grasping it tightly, while Dorian and Varric touched her thigh in an effort to make her feel their sympathy… and love. It comforted her beyond words, and she breathed in deep and sighed in happiness before opening her eyes and smiling down at them.

Finally Dorian grinned and winked up at her, “Well, since you are… technically single now, perhaps we should set you up with Cullen? Perhaps get you two to play another game of Wicked Grace?” The Atlus mage let out a most manly giggle that it caused Idril to laugh as well, “He does have a rather delectable posterior, doesn’t he? Rather marvelous.”

“My posterior is… what?”

Idril, Sera, Dorian and Varric looked towards the door, seeing the astounded and appalled look on Commander Cullen’s face as he stood by the door, holding a bunch of papers which seemed to be reports for Idril. At the realization that Dorian was talking about his body, the templar’s face flared red. The Atlus mage’s face split into a grin so devious that Idril started laughing, “Ah! Hello there, Commander! Would you like to partake in our little Cuddle Puddle?”

“Cuddle Pud… what?”

Dorian waved a hand on the Orlesian carpets, the pillows and the pile that is their bodies, “Our dear Inquisitor was feeling… a little melancholic since the disappearance of our bald elven friend, and we are comforting her. Would you like to join us? Surely, you wish to help our dear Lavellan in her time of… need.”

Cullen’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, before sighing and running a hand on the back of his neck shyly, “I don’t think I… I have a thousand things to… it seems a little inappropriate…”

Dorian rolled his eyes in exasperation at Cullen’s fumbling excuses, and he nudged Cole’s arm, who opened his brilliant gray eyes to look at him. “Do be a good boy and help our commander, Cole.”

The boy let go of Idril and stood up. Without a word, he went towards Cullen and made him kneel near Idril’s head, coaxing him to lie down so that her head lay on his right shoulder, and his head lay on hers. Idril’s breath hitched a little, and she tried to move her head, but when she realized that Cullen’s face was too close to hers, she stopped moving, her face blushing furiously, and Cole went back to his place on her shoulder.

“Maker’s breath… what am I doing?” Idril heard Cullen mutter out a he raised a hand and massaged the bridge of his nose, “I have a thousand things to do.”

She couldn’t help but smile, “No, you don’t. The Breach is closed, the Inquisition remains, and our soldiers are taking a break after that battle in the Arbor Wilds. We’ve worked too hard, Cullen. We deserve a break, don’t you think?”

Cullen let out a chuckle, “I suppose you’re right. But… are you alright, Inquisitor? You know we have resources. We could ask Leliana’s people to look for…”

The Commander silenced, trying to sense what Idril was feeling, but when the elf remained quiet, he turned his head and promptly blushed, as his lips were an inch away from her cheek.

“Wishing but wanting. Shy but seduced. Hurt but slowly healing. Conflicted, confounded, confused… but comforted. Warmth spreading through her skin like fire. The scent of steel, sweat and wine swirls around her… his scent, dizzying but calming, soothing, serene. It seems wrong, but it feels right. Should I take the chance? Should I take the leap? Should I take the plunge? Mythal’s mercy… he’s so warm…”

All of them looked up to see that Cole had stood, picking up his hat from his spot near Idril, and putting it on so that it hid his face a little. Cullen looked at the boy in confusion from the words he had said. He opened his mouth to ask the boy what he was talking about, when Idril spoke up. “I told you to stop reading my mind, Cole.”

Cole smiled a little as he turned to Dorian, Sera and Varric, wringing his hands as he spoke with a ghost of a smile in his lips, “He was healed by her, but now he wants to heal her. Her pain hurts him. Twisting, writhing, distorting pain in his heart… worse than a dagger… worse when the pain of losing the old songs in the lyrium. Her heart lies in pieces, and he wishes he could help. I will find him… I would kill him myself if I could. She didn’t deserve this. How could he do such a thing? Maker, how can I help her…?”

The Commander’s face flamed red, and Idril’s eyes widened when she realized that Cole was talking about Cullen’s thoughts about his feelings for her. She was about to speak again when the spirit of Compassion looked down at their companions. “He wants to speak to her alone now. We’ve helped. Her heart was broken, and we have helped. But there’s still a piece… a part, a sliver, a fragment of hurt that needs healing. He can help with that. It’s his turn now. We should go. He wants to speak to her alone now.”

The spirit disappeared in a puff of smoke as he finished speaking, and without a word, Dorian, Sera and Varric stood up from their places, with the blond haired elf patting her neck and chest to get rid of the cookie crumbs that have accumulated on her. Varric pocketed the gear he was polishing as Dorian went around, picking up the bottles of wine he had brought with him. Idril looked at them in shock as she and Cullen sat up, “What? You’re leaving?”

Dorian grinned at her as Varric headed for the stairs that led down her bedroom door, opening it for Sera. “Far be it from us to distrust the tried and tested wisdom of our dear spirit friend, Inquisitor. Stay and enjoy the quiet. Our dear Commander should be an appropriate company now, yes?” He looked down at Cullen and winked at him, lowering a bottle of Aggregio on a table near the stairs. “Liquid courage for you, Commander.”

Idril and Cullen looked at them in shock as Dorian descended down the stairs, whistling a tavern tune, and soon they heard the lock of the door turn as they all left. Idril flumped back down on her pillows as she laughed, covering her face in her hands in embarrassment, “Oh Mythal’s mercy, I’m so sorry about that, Cullen. But you know how they are…”

Cullen smiled down at her, “It is… quite alright, Inquisitor. They are your friends. It is only natural that they are worried about your well-being.”

“Not just them, but all of you.” Idril said as she folded her hands on her chest and looked at him, smiling, “I don’t think I could have done any of this if it weren’t for everyone… including you. Especially you.”

Cullen’s hazel eyes softened and a strange look came to his face as he smiled gently her, making him look even more handsome in Idril’s eyes. She blushed harder at his look and she tore her gaze away from him, looking up at the ceiling, lest he could see her emotion.

The Commander moved then, and Idril remained staring up the ceiling as his heavy footfalls echoed towards the direction of the stairs, and she though he had left. She closed her eyes and breathed out a sigh… of disappointment.

But her eyes snapped open when she felt something moving beside her, and she looked up to find Cullen looking down at her, his armor, gauntlets and boots gone, holding the bottle of Aggregio Dorian had left behind. Carefully, he lowered himself down beside her, tilting his head to say that she moved. She lifted herself up a little as the man settled down, holding the bottle of wine on his left arm and the reports on the right. He wrapped an arm around her head as he lay down on the pillows so that her head was nestled on his chest, causing her blush again as she heard the beat of his heart from his chest.

“How about this… I would read today’s reports for you and you can go on… cuddling, I suppose. Dorian did leave me this task to do, and I would be a terrible commander if I did not do what I am told.” She looked up at him from his chest, and Cullen’s face turned red, “That is… if you don’t mind… I mean… if you’d rather not, I would understand… I am rather too forward for doing this, aren’t I? Maker’s breath, I’m making such a mess of this…”

Idril looked up at him incredulously, before throwing her head back and laughing, causing Cullen to blush even redder. She had to admit, being in the Commander’s arms felt right, and that perhaps Dorian was right. She had thought about how it would be like to be with him, as the man was rather kind, loyal, smart, brave… not to mention good-looking. She smiled gently at him, getting the same smile from him, as she wrapped her arms around his mid-section and looking at the reports in his hand.