#batuu

Bonus: me frantically trying to finish this as the setting sun stole my shade and tried to roast me alive 😂

The light above me doesn't flicker, doesn't shiver or move, so I know I'm not on a gurney of some sort, not in a hospital. So if I wasn't in my own bed, and I hadn't been transported to a medical clinic? Where the fuck was I?

I try to move. My limbs are heavy, uncooperative. There's a few wires dangling from my left arm. I try and lift my right up to pull the wires out from my skin, but I can't lift my hand for too long before gravity just yanks it down again. Another snakes across my collarbone, taped down right above my heart. And if my sense of touch is finally coming back full swing, I believe there's one on the side of my head. I try and let out a groan, a sound, a question, a scream, anything but my throat only works inside, no actual sound was expended. 

A shadow shifts to my left making my body go rigid. 

I can just tilt my head slightly to the left, eyes looking more than my head can tilt. Kylo Ren sits in a chair, elbows resting on his knees, head bowed. His gloves are off, his mask is off. His fingers dangle loosely between his spread thighs. He still has on the armor, no cape though, which is a first since I've seen him within the past day and a half. How long have I been out again?

"You're awake." he doesn't look up but his fingers twitch. 

SIX HOURS EARLIER 

I don't go find Kylo. Today is a day to celebrate, my 50th mission that didn't end in a blaster fight, a murder, or any kind of bloodshed, in a row! I felt like the only woman in the galaxy. 

I settle my ship back down on the same Hangar from earlier, on a relatively useless planet, despite it's importance in my personal history, it'll remain unknown and irrelevant long after I die. Once again, I find myself scouring through Ren's crates of unknown Spice vials again. Orange or yellow?

Orange comes before yellow so that must mean it's better right? Makes sense to me. I uncork the vial and the luminescent liquid shimmers in the tube. It doesn't have a scent. I stick a new clean needle inside the vial, and pull up on the handle, sucking the orange liquid inside. I only fill the needle up about halfway. That should be fine right? The vial still has more than half it's contents inside. I head to my bed in the corner and sit down, staring at the needle in my hand. It's tiny. And I don't know what this spice does. But it can't be much different from any other spice I've had before. 

Without a second thought I lift  up my sleeve, just above my elbow. I line it up right where a few other marks are. The needle slides into my skin easily, too easily. It's always easy. I remember the first time I tried it. I was too nervous, the needle pierced right through my skin and I started bleeding. I no longer feel the pinch or the sting and the slight amount of blood that bubbles up when I pull the needle away no longer sends me into a panic. 

I press down on the syringe and watch as the orange liquid disappears into my veins.

I can't even finish injecting it because my vision blurs. I let out a happy giggle, that was the fasted high I've ever had. The needle clatters to the floor in front of me, rolling away. I'm seeing double of everything. The entire world is muffled, quiet, nothing matters anymore. I'm sleepy. Not the same way other drugs make me, it's not a calm, it's like all the adrenaline in me just stopped. I slump against my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My mind swims, my head pounds, I feel like I'm underwater. There's something so sad about drowning. So melancholy. I've always been afraid of it, yet my body also seeks it. 

Everything goes dark. Not just my vision, but the very essence of my is lost in the void. My breathing is too shallow, too slow, each exhale a little fainter than the last and relish in it. The slowness. My life is always so quick, so fast paced I never really get the chance to live. While I lied there, practically on the brink of death, I had never felt so alive. 

Kylo finds me like this. I can hear him, I can feel him, but it's like I'm far away. Like an echo. I think that it's possibly just a dream. A silly conjuring of my own consciousness to try to come to terms with what I've done. What have I done?

I can hear my name being repeated over and over, the ghostly touch of his hands on my shoulders. I wonder what all the panic is about? His fingers glide across my throat and I try and work out the words, 'not now Ren' but nothing comes out. I can hear him a little clearer. If I work hard enough, I can open my eyes just a little bit to see what all the raucous is. The first thing I see isn't Ren, it's the mess on the floor. Spice is scattered across the ground haphazardly, and the fresh needle I used was there too, stationary. Still filled with a bit of that orange stuff, and a few drops of my blood. Cool.

Two hands press against my chest. "Come on... Come on." he grunts, I can feel the force of it pressing down, release, pressing down, release. After a particularly deep push, my lungs suck in a deep breath. My eyes open a little wider. I push against his wrists, feeling the armor wrapped around it. There's no force behind my motion, I don't have the energy for much. "Nghhh.. shhh m'sleeping." I slurred. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth. The world still feels hazy and slow, like the rest of this planet does. My bed feels soft, warm, welcoming. Like touching someone's skin after being away for so long. Like a warm hug from a mother I never knew. Kylo's voice is somewhere out there, above me, next to me? I don't know. He doesn't let go, he doesn't stop. "You're not sleeping. You're dying." his voice is so low I almost didn't hear it. "What did you take y/n?" he sounds panicked. "If I have to make you throw up I will." His voice is a grating sound, scraping along the edges of my brain making it ache. "Didn't take nothing." I whispered, letting myself linger in the warmth. "Bullshit.." he mutters back, cupping my jaw. His hand tilts my head back, and I can see him finally. 

His hair dangles in his face. It's always so long. So pretty. So soft too. He likes it when I run my fingers through it, even if he denies it. I know his truth. The darkness wraps around me like a blanket and I let it's warmth consumed me. "Don't you dare close your eyes. Y/n, look at me!"

I sink into the silence. I let the warmth slide over me like a shower, washing away my fears, my anxieties, my hopes and dreams. Nothing. It all means nothing to me now. Something above me flickers light a light bulb. Maybe a memory? Maybe a reminder? But it's gone before I can give it too much thought or attention. It calls my name. Once. Twice. But the light makes my head ache and I can't do it, not like this. I never wanted to do it. I never asked for this. What did I do? How did I get here? Where am I? Asleep? Dreaming? Somewhere in between. I always figured that there was an in between. You can't have that magical force stuff without an in between. 

If you think about it, there's always a balance to the world. There's the light, there's the dark. But in order to have both, there's a point that has to be plotted. An in between. Neutral. Not good, not bad, just there. I always believed I was a neutral. Now, I don't think it matters anymore. 

The dark feels good. 

It's warm. Quiet. I let it take me down the current until these thoughts that kept me here started to lag. We all know there is nothing. But what comes after the nothing? Is it rebirth? The final death? I don't know but I think I've found it. 

A sharp jolt cuts through the dark. I'm moving. Running. But my legs don't touch the ground. Maybe I'm flying. Not in a ship, there's no air in space but I can feel cool air brush against my face. Plus if I was flying in space I'd be dead. Maybe I am dead. Maybe I am in space. Maybe I've become a star. I think I'd like that, to be a star.

But no, I'm being moved. Arms beneath me, strong, sturdy. They're warm too. It's a deliberate hold, my head is pressed against a chest. Humming. No not a hum, a beat like a drum. It's wild, strong, it keeps me lucid enough. "You with me?" Kylo. I'd know that voice anywhere. The light changes from dark to bright. Always with the brightness? I thought dying was supposed to be darkness? Why is there white just everywhere all the time? It's getting a little annoying. 

There's a rustle of sheets and then the contact leaves me. I'm being placed down. I can hear another voice, not just his, the cold presses in on me like ice. My eyes open a fracture, trying to get a better reading on where I am, where we are. I recognize it, only slightly. It's a basic medical room. No posters, just white lights and a medical droid. I hate those thing's, they always scare the shit out of me. All those arms and beady little robotic eyes. I shiver runs down my spine. Is it always meant to be cold here? The frozen arms leave me and I try and cling onto the warmth for as long as I can but it won't leave. I start to shiver. 

A hand wraps around mine. Delicately. I don't think I've ever been held delicately. "I'm not done with you yet," he murmurs, pressing a kiss (I think) against the back of my hand. "So don't you dare be done with me."

I don't realize I've spoken until after he responds. "Let... me go." it's a request, or maybe an accusation. He's letting me go. Each syllable felt like a personal battle. "No." he says. He's never said no to me, not for anything. He's already decided and there's no room for argument. So what do I do? I argue back. My tongue and my throat try and work but every time I move it feels like I'm choking on air. He leans closer, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my forehead. "You don't get to do that," his voice is quieter but I can hear him better, he's closer to my ear now. "You don't get to walk into my life, dig your way into my skin, and then just... let go. Not after everything." he says it, not just to me but my entire body. My soul, my skin, my heart, my mind.

"So stay. That's an order." my body feels a flare of warmth but it's dull, a reminder that I'm on the verge of death. I didn't do it on purpose, or maybe a part of me did do it on purpose. "It's so quiet.." I realized. There wasn't a single noise that mattered anymore. I could see his lips move but I couldn't hear him anymore. My fingers twitch against the bunk, I want to reach out and touch him. One last time. Kylo's hand presses deeper into my skin. I wish we could just forge together, be one. I wish I could be the thing he deserves. 

There's something different about Kylo recently. He's grown soft. He's a changed man. It makes my chest ache. He needs someone good. Someone who will guide him down the path to righteousness. Not me. I like his darkness. I like the depth of his despair, how it makes him work harder, prove he deserves and wants me, he needs me. Oh I need him too. More than I need air to breathe. 

"Wha- what's hap-happening.. Ky?" my voice is barely there, a thread of line I cannot hear but I know I said it, because I can feel the vibrations in my throat and chest. I've never called him that before. "You're overdosing." he whispered, looking straight down at me. He stands above me like an angel. Angels are real. I can feel it in this moment. "You're dying y/n."

It's without a crash or a burning realization, but calm steady. Tears well up in my eyes, and I know, I know it more than I can speak basic. I know it more than I know myself. I am dying. Right here in front of him. It scares me. It excites me. He's telling the truth, Kylo Ren doesn't lie to me. He doesn't pretend, he doesn't bluff or give false ideations to a reality in which we won't ever be apart of. It's why I liked him so much, there truly were no strings attached. No hope that he and I could live in a world peacefully, because there was no hint of a 'him and I'. 

Finally I will be at peace, and maybe Kylo will find the one. The right one. I will always be the person telling him to indulge in his worst fantasies. He's killed, destroyed entire planets and yet I love it. I love that we destroy ourselves and others, I would kill for him and he would kill for me. His hand pats my cheek a few times and I blink my eyes open as much as I can, really take a look at him. His long black hair. It reaches his shoulders now. The brown of his eyes. They're dark and sad and tired. Tired of me probably. But he won't have to worry about it any longer because I'll be okay. Death was never something I learned to fear, in fact I appreciate it. With every unsteady beat of my overworking heart, and every tick of the chrono on the wall, my life inches closer to the brink of death. The world narrows and my eyes flutter, but there's still some thing's I have to say to him, thing's I want him to hear before it's impossible for him to know. 

"But I'm not going to let that happen, okay sweetheart? So you're going to stay awake." his thumb rubs along the length of my jaw soothingly, his voice soft like chocolate. It's almost tender. Delicate. He touches me so delicately it makes the bones under my skin ache with relief. Or maybe it's pain. "You're going to keep talking to me. You're going to detox, then you're going to owe me an explanation." he leaned closer and kissed my temple sweet. Soft. I let out a whimper because I know it won't happen. 

He's never lied to me before. Not until now. I cannot see a possibility where I live through this. My chest feels tight, like it's about to explode. "I'm too tired.." I whispered back. With a final surge of strength, I raise my hand and press it weakly against his, the one holding my cheek. His skin is warm against my palm. "I did my job Ky... Did I do a good job?" I hiccup through sobs. The wetness slips down the sides of my face and disappears into my hair. My stomach aches with every sob and jolt of of your body. 

Did I do a good job?

Kylo's breath catches. His thumb pauses against my cheek. His dark eyes search my face. He can probably see how my fingers tremble against his hand, it's taking everything in me to keep my hand there. I have never been this weak before. The salty tears, the uneven breaths. I'm just a broken girl lying in a medical wing, dying. "Yes." his voice is rough as he nods, his other hand comes up and he cups both cheeks in his hands. "You did such a good job sweetheart. You always do y/n." his voice is so soothing. Another sob erupts from my body. What have I done?

He kisses my temple again and with a nod he pulls back slightly. "You can rest now." his thumb swipes across my forehead it feels wet. Blood? Was I bleeding? Did I hit my head? Probably water but I don't remember being wet. Maybe sweat then. Does it even matter anymore? He looks down at me and smiles. Or at least gives me the closest thing he can to a smile. It's not sarcastic or unkind or cruel like his usual smirk, it's soft, easy. "I-I'll-" whatever I was going to say gets cut off. My eyes roll back, and everything goes dark again. Kylo's strong arms wrap around my body, pulling my off my back until I think I'm sitting. "Medic! Now- she's seizing!"

added the corrie patch to my collection and finally put my fox bucket vinyl sticker on my truck