The boys were scared, but as I grabbed them and evacuated them to a safe distance, my Saitama stepped forward and dealt a killing blow, defeating the monster before it could cause any harm. 

….Any harm, that is, to anything and everything excepting my Saitama’s clothes.

He was covered in monster gore. 

The boys cheered. 

“That was so cool, Uncle Saitama!” Kouji said, imitating my Saitama’s punch.

Ichiro nodded, grinning. “You hit the monster like POW! And it fell like SPLAT!” 

“Heh, I did huh?” Saitama gave them a pleased smile, and plucked at his hoodie. “Ugh, this was clean on today,” he said. “Gonna run back home and change. You guys go on to the park. Make sure Genos behaves himself, huh?” He wiggled his brows.

“You’re silly, uncle!” Ichiro giggled. “Okay, we’ll make sure Big Brother Genos is good!” 

“Yeah, we’ll tell on him if he isn’t!” Kouji agreed. “Come on, big bro, let’s go!”

We parted ways with my Saitama, the boys chattering about how cool he is. 

“I didn’t know he could make monsters splat so easy!” Ichiro exclaimed.

“Saitama is the strongest man in the world,” I told them.

Kouji shook his head. “Nuh-uh! That’s King!”

“King’s cool too,” Ichiro said thoughtfully. “He’s got lots of video games–big bro, will Uncle Saitama take us to see King again next time?” 

“We should ask him!” Kouji decided. “I bet uncle’s got lots of cool famous friends, right big bro?” 

Reflecting that Saitama would be disappointed to know the twins didn’t consider him ‘famous’, I thought about it. 

“He knows Silver Fang and Blizzard of Hell,” I told them. 

“Wooow she’s pretty!” 

“No way Ichiro, Metal Bat’s way better!”

“I didn’t say she’s better jus’ that she’s pretty!”

“Zenko-san says Metal Bat-san is the best!” 

“Zenko-san’s pretty too…” Ichiro decided. 

“Yeah she’s cool,” Kouji nodded. “And Mumen Rider’s cool, uncle knows him right?” 

“Right,” I agreed. They’d met Mumen Rider almost as many times as they’d met Metal Bat. 

“And that guy’s cool too,” Ichiro pointed across the street. “Mumen Rider’s boyfriend.” 

As I looked up and saw Garou on the other side of the road, he looked across at us and folded his arms.

“Oi! Pointin’s rude, y’know!”

“Hiiii Mumen Rider’s boyf–” Kouji put his hand over his brother’s mouth. “Shh! Mumen Rider told us it’s a secret cos his boyfriend is a…what is a felon, big bro?”

“I’m a felon,” Garou swaggered over just in time to overhear the question. “Means I did bad shi–shizz. So don’t do bad stuff, yeah? Or your girlfriends’re gonna hafta keep you secret.” 

Ichiro pushed Kouji’s hand from his mouth. “I don’t wanna be a secret!” 

“You hafta be good then!” Garou told them. He looked to me and raised his brows. “Sup, tinman?” 

“Garou.” I narrowed my eyes warningly. If he was going to speak with the twins, he’d better watch what he said. “We’re going to the park,” I told him. 

“Baldy not watchin’ his own kids? You’re a f–freaking housewife, y’know that right?” 

“His name. Isn’t. Baldy. It’s Saitama!” I couldn’t believe I had to have this conversation with him again! 

Garou grinned. “I’m just messin’ with ya.”

Ichiro and Kouji mumbled to each other, then peered at Garou with matching scowls. 

“We’re not uncle’s sons!” Ichiro exclaimed.

“Yeah, and don’t be mean to big brother!” 

“Heh,” Garou’s grin faded, and he ruffled their hair. “Teasin’s what friends do–right buddy?” 

He gave me a challenging look. 

“Yes, it’s what friends do.”

If not for our agreement to help each other out with Christmas shopping, I might have given a more scathing reply.

“And friends know where to draw the line,” I clarified, turning my attention back to the boys. “Don’t listen to what this guy says. He doesn’t know anything.” 

“Okay.”

“Can we go to the park now?” 

“Ooh can I come?” 

I looked from the hopeful stares of the twins to Garou, who grinned.

“I’ll be good,” he said. “Promise.”

“Will you tell us about Mumen Rider?” Kouji asked, eyes wide. 

“Yeah, whaddya wanna know?” Garou began strolling along the street towards the park, the boys bouncing alongside him like a pair of excited puppies. 

Resigning myself to the fact I’d have to endure him until my Saitama returned in order to not make a scene in front of the boys, I followed, silently monitoring the conversation in case Garou said anything unfit for the ears of a pair of nine year olds. 

“–and he likes tokusatsu stuff. The cheesiest he can find!” 

“I like those,” Ichiro said, a little timidly. “Like when the monster’s gonna destroy the city, and Justice Man’s like POW! and ZAP! and they kill it!” 

“Hn.” Garou shoved his hands into his pockets, slouching. “Mumen’s the kinda hero who’d find out what the monster wanted first, y’know?” 

“Like in Golden Wolf vs Spaceturtle where Spaceturtle was gonna destroy the dam and flood the city but Golden Wolf talked to her and it was ‘cos humans’d blocked the river and she couldn’t get to her babies and take them to outer space?” 

Garou raised his brows at Kouji.

“…Yeah, kid, like that,” he said. “If Mumen had powers like Golden Wolf, he’d totally help Spaceturtle get into space with her babies.” 

“Mumen Rider is cool.” 

Garou grinned. “Yeah.” 

“Does he really help real monsters?” Ichiro had his arms crossed, and sounded disbelieving. 

“He helped one,” I supplied, giving Garou a pointed look. I didn’t want the boys to be bothered by the tale of Garou’s past. It would be confusing to young minds as to why a hero would settle down with someone who had done what he’d done.

“Yeah, ‘s right,” Garou’s grin softened. “Mumen’s real forgiving. Most monsters’re assholes but Mumen’d help ‘em if they were hurt and shit. Uh. Shizz.” 

Kouji gasped. “Garou said a bad word!” he announced in a stage whisper.

“Oh look, there’s the park.” Garou pointed to the entrance. 

“Yeah! Let’s go play!” Kouji exclaimed, racing into the park. “C’mon, Ichiro!” 

“OK! Let’s play heroes and villains!” Ichiro ran after him. 

I saw Garou wince, a frown passing over his features. Then the twins turned back to us, and the expression was gone. 

“Come on uncle Garou! Come on big bro Genos!” Ichiro called out. 

Garou’s brows rose and he looked at me. “Damn it, howcome you’re big bro? ‘m younger than you!” 

“They must think you’re older,” I said, walking through the gates. 

“Come on, uncle!” Kouji bounced impatiently. “Play with us! Heroes and villains!” 

Garou sighed. “OK,” he said, striding over to our little group. “But it’s heroes and monsters, gottit? I’ll play the monster.” 

“I wanna play a monster too!” Kouji decided. “We can be a team!” 

“OK then me and big bro are the heroes!” Ichiro stood at my side, his arms folded as his face took on his best Heroic Expression. “We’ll give you a head start!” 

Garou looked at Kouji with confusion, and the boy grinned, tugging on his sleeve. “Come on! We’ve gotta find our hideout!” 

“Cover your eyes, big bro! We gotta count to ten,” Ichiro told me. 

I did as he asked–cheating slightly, as my sensors detected exactly where Kouji and Garou were going. I was not going to let either of the twins out of my sight when Hanako-san and my Saitama both trusted me to take care of them.

As it turned out, the twins’ version of ‘Heroes and Villains’ (or ‘Heroes and Monsters’ as Garou insisted it be called) was a combination of hide and seek, and tag. Once Ichiro and I had ‘found’ Kouji and Garou in their ‘hideout’ (the other side of a low hedge), they ran, and we chased them. Then Ichiro caught up with Kouji, and then Garou (who let himself be caught) and they chased us instead. Remembering how I’d played tag with my parents when I was a child, I slowed to let Kouji ‘tag’ me, and then stood back to watch Garou chase after Ichiro. Garou was deliberately slowing his pace, and made growling noises, his hands like claws as he chased him, and Ichiro yelled in delight as he circled a tree, Garou always conveniently too far behind to catch him. 

They both looked as though they were enjoying themselves. Perhaps too much, because Kouji pouted and ran to join in. 

Then it was apparently time for amateur dramatics, because suddenly Ichiro turned around and pointed a his brother and Garou, who skidded to a halt. 

“Stop, monsters!” he cried. “Why are you trying to destroy the earth?!” 

“I’m not destroying it!” Kouji shouted back, in a high-pitched voice. “I, Megamouse, just want to..uh…go to the moon so I can eat cheese!” 

“But you’re destroying the earth! People will be sad!” 

“But I’ll die if I don’t eat cheese!” 

“Then we’ll go to the mini-mart, but you’ve got to fight the cow-wrangler, because he saves all the cheese for himself!” 

“I’ll fight anything for cheese!” 

The boys carried on their play, bounding over the grass and crawling under hedges as together they battled an invisible foe. 

Forgotten, Garou sidled up to me. “So hero, what’ve you got the kids for?” he said.

“Their mother has a hospital appointment today.” 

“Huh…” Garou watched them, eyes narrowed in thought. “The taller one’s kinda like Saitama don’tcha think?” 

“I always thought Ichiro was more like him,” I replied. “They’ve both started to imitate some of his behaviours.” 

“Nah, I meant like, the taller one’s got that same egg head.” 

I scowled. “Is it your life’s mission to be rude or did you just wake up this morning and decide to be a jerk about someone’s children?” 

“Jus’ saying his face is like…rounder.” He pouted. “Not bein’ rude, kid’s my monster pal now.” 

I couldn’t argue with his reasoning, so I smirked at him instead. “Even if he calls you uncle?” 

“s just kids being kids,” he shrugged. 

“Okay, uncle.” 

“Fuck you trashcan,” he grinned. “Oi, where’s Saitama anyway?” 

“My Saitama’s clothes became dirty whilst he bravely defeated a monster, therefore he’s gone home to change.” 

“Guess you’ll be scrubbin’ out bloodstains later huh, housewife?” 

“I don’t scrub them, I apply stain remover and allow it to soak in. And I’m not a housewife.” 

“Not yet you’re not,” Garou smirked. “You gotta tell Mumen what you use, idiot’s always getting bloodstains. ‘s why he wears black, so it doesn’t show.” 

“It’s my Saitama’s preferred generic supermarket own-brand stain remover,” I told him. “There are coupons in the local free paper every monday.” 

Garou let out an overdramatic groan. “God I can tell you and Baldy’re engaged, Mumen said the guy’s into his coupons.” 

“Coupons are a good way to live economically.” 

“Yeah but you’re a fucking S-Classer. You’ve got loadsa cash.” 

“We’re saving it.” 

“What the hell for?” 

I arched a brow at him. “Our wedding.” 

“Heh… those’re expensive, huh?” Garou seemed to deflate a little, and I wondered if he’d factored wedding costs into his plans for the future (assuming, that is, that I’m right in thinking he might be wanting to propose to Mumen).

“They can be done on a budget,” I told him.

He snorted. “Not a normal person’s budget.” 

Keeping my attention on the boys - who were currently tearing back and forth across the grass and shouting out lines from a TV show - I tilted my head. 

“…Garou, could it be that, with regards to Mumen Rider, you are–”

“Big bro! Uncle! Come and play!” Ichiro waved. “Me and big bro’re monsters now, uncle! You and Kouji are the heroes!” 

Garou pulled a face. “How ‘bout me n’ big bro’re monsters n’ you kids’re heroes? And we’re gonna chase you!” 

The twins squealed and ran away as Garou jogged after them. I followed, amused. For someone so brash, Garou interacts well with children. Possibly because he behaves like one. 

We played ‘Heroes and Monsters’ for a while longer, until the twins declared they had defeated us, and flopped down on the grass, clearly tired out. Garou had proven inventive in their little game, calling out all kinds of reasons for his monsterly destruction of an imagined world. 

The twins had loved it. 

I was a little envious. 

It was as the boys began to throw handfuls of grass at each other that my Saitama reappeared, wearing a fresh hoodie and carrying a bag of snacks from the conbini. 

“Found you guys–Oh! Hey Garou.” 

He said it as though Garou’s presence was a surprise, but the fact his snack bag contained five cream puffs and five bottles of cola, instead of four, made me wonder how long he’d been watching us. It was obvious that he’d known Garou was with us, and his acting is nowhere near as good as that of the twins. 

“Yo, Baldy.” 

“Oi, you’re the baldy!” Saitama tossed a cream puff to him. 

Garou snickered. “Cheers.” 

The boys joined us, by way of crawling across the grass pretending to be giant snake-monsters. Garou had certainly been an influence on them. 

“Wellp, I’m off,” Garou said, once the boys had finished their snacks. He ruffled their hair and stood. “Gotta go catch up with Mumen.” 

“Okaaaaaaaay.” The boys chorused, in whiny voices. 

“Oi, whaddya say to Uncle Garou?” Saitama prompted, brows raised.

Kouji huffed. “Thanks for playing, Uncle Garou!” 

“Yeah, you’re the best monster!” Ichiro agreed. 

“Heh, sure am.” Garou’s smile appeared a little tight, and he raked a hand through his hair. “See ya round, kids.” 

“Byeeee Uncle Garou!” 

The boys were quiet for the rest of the afternoon, too worn out from running around the park to be interested in anything beyond playing a video game that my Saitama had borrowed from King. 

When we dropped them home that evening, they both declared that they were looking forward to watching their TV show, which Hanako-san explained was their weekend treat before they had to go to bed. She appeared more relaxed that evening than she had done during the morning. Her checkup had gone as well as expected, she said, and she’d taken the rest of the day to pamper herself. 

“Feeling better then?” Saitama asked her.

“Yes. Thanks, Sai,” she smiled at him. “Looks like the boys had a good time today.” 

“Heh, you shoulda seen Genos and his buddy playing with ‘em.” 

She looked at me. “Your friend came along too?” 

“An acquaintance,” I corrected. “Saitama and I know him through Mumen Rider.”

“He’s good with kids,” Saitama smiled and wrapped an arm around my waist. “Not as good as Genos though. He’s the best.”

“You’re good with them too, Saitama!” I protested, somewhat flustered by his comment. If I’m honest, I’d thought that Garou had been much better with the boys than me. 

Hanako-san smiled at us. “I’m grateful to you guys. It’s great to have people I can rely on to watch out for them. You’d both make great dads one day.” 

Saitama beamed. “Any time, y’know?” 

We left a little after that, since the boys had taken themselves off to bathe and change into their pyjamas of their own accord, and were clearly ready to go to bed early. 

On the way home, I couldn’t help but analyse all that my Saitama had said since the time he’d joined us in the park, and eventually I had to ask–

“How long were you watching us today?” 

He grinned sheepishly. “I dunno, in time to see Garou fall on his ass when Kouji jumped on him.” 

The memory made me grin. “That was somewhat amusing.” 

“Somewhat? Dude I saw you laughing your ass off.” 

“It was funny,” I conceded. “Why didn’t you join us sooner?” 

“You n’ Garou looked like you were gettin’ along n’ having fun with the kids so…” he shrugged. “Figured it’d be ok to leave you playing for a bit and went to get snacks and stuff.” 

“And stuff?”

“Yeah.” My fiance smiled then, and caught hold of my hand. “C’mon, Genos. Let’s get home. I wanna watch this show the kids’ve been talking about.” 

And so we headed home, my question largely unanswered. 

It took my Saitama three hours to change and rejoin us, but the walk to the park is only twenty minutes even at a slow pace.