Batbros patrol
Jason: you know what I realized recently?
Tim: That Alfred hides cauliflower in food so you'd eat it? About time
Jason: what!? No! He does not do that does he?
Damian: I am not a part of this conversation
Jason: Dick???
Dick: No civilian names in suit, hood
Jason: you're deflecting
Dick: ....maybe. but regardless what were you saying to realize if not that
Jason: right. As I was saying. I was thinking and realized that out of the four of us Wing and I are the only ones who were adopted into money when taken by B
Dick: Oh yeah I never thought about it in that sense
Jason: right! Like these two were already rich as hell!
Tim: my parents were millionaires. Bruce is a billionaire so techni-
Jason: Don't even try. The fact that you can even tell the difference between a lot of money and a looooot of money is not working in your favor
Damian: how does this matter?
Jason: of course it doesn't really matter to you. You are royalty. You're so rich that you got demoted to billionaire status. You understand how crazy that is
Dick: he's not wrong
Jason: Dickie bird here and I were poor little shits taken in by Bruce-
Dick: okay hey I wasn't poor
Jason: yeah sure but were you even close to rich?
Dick: I was rich in love and family
Jason: [snorts] oh fuck you
Dick: yeah! B was a real downgrade compared to that! [Holding back laughter] You probably saw Bruce and took that as a best and most stable family you'd get
Jason: [laughs] oh you know what? Fuck I hate that you're right. Fuck you damn so I was poor in everything
Dick: yup. Poor sad kid taken in by batman-
Jason: oh no I'm not letting you out like that. Just cause you had a loving family doesn't give you a freebee
Dick: Damn it so I'm still in the poor kid club?
Jason: [rolls eyes] yup. You and me both
Damian: I still don't see how it's relevant
Dick: No it is because it does explain a lot of stuff
Jason: Right?! Like we got some shit these two never would
Dick; Fuck you're so right. Like I didn't realize how classist Gotham was
Jason: Yeah! They hated me man. The looks I'd get for being from crime alley
Dick: It makes sense, I always thought they were all just racist
Jason: oh yeah they definitely were. Old Gotham elites were things I don't want to say out loud with a child present
Damian: I'm not a child
Dick: It's all coming back to me. The weird shit they'd say? They fucking hated us for being poor
Jason: [nodding aggressively] YES YES YES FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT
Dick: [snorts] what the fuck man. Now I need to recategorize all the shit I got from just racist assholes to maybe also classist assholes
Jason: i think the Venn diagram of those two is just a circle. Don't bother
Tim: was it really that bad?
Dick: man people would make sexual comments about me being exotic as a "compliment" and to say that they could understand Bruce's investment
Tim: [scrunching up nose] ew. That's so fucked up
Damian: who are these people
Dick: no Damian. We're not killing them
Jason: I say we kill them
Dick: Jason no
Dick: besides Bruce took care of them long ago
Jason: ....fine
Dick: what about you? I mean they really hated crime alley people
Jason: [nodding] oh yeah. I was told a bunch of shit but this one lady would always try to convince me that it was my family and friends that killed Bruce's parents and how he was just waiting for the right time to get revenge on me
Tim: ....oh god
Damian: I must find these people
Dick: ...
Dick: WAIT IS IT THAT FAKE ASS OLD BLOND BITCH WITH THE OUTRAGEOUS PEARL NECKLACE???
Jason: [eyes widen] YES! You know her?
Dick: YEAH! SHE SAID SO MUCH SHIT MAN
Jason: [snorts] right?? Like I don't think she was right in the head cause some stuff I still wonder how she could ever say to a child
Dick: yeah yeah [laughing] like I was a kid. Like a little scrawny brown boy and you're telling me I'm about to be sold??
Jason: [wheezing] she told- oh go she told me about that- she said- fuck- [clears throat] she said [mocking high pitch voice] at least your brother had that exotic reselling value. You don't even have that
Tim: ....that's horrible
Dick: [laughing] oh god of course she did. Bro she was such a bitch- she she'd call me fucking slurs and then act all innocent and confused when Bruce stepped in
Damian: I do not understand why this is funny
Jason: [trying to breath through laughter] Bro Bruce made it all so much better. He'd step in and they'd all expect nice ole Brucie Wayne and then-
Dick: oh he'd go batman mode! It was hilarious
Jason: YEAH! That glare he had? One look and the idiot would be running away
Dick: yea- oh oh! I remember! [Laughing clenching his stomach] wait wait this one time- fuck [wheezing] he punched this dude right? Fuck you'll never believe what this man was saying
Dick: [calming down a little] so wait okay so this rich dude like comes up to me right? Bruce is around being Brucie Wayne you know? Probably dancing on a stripper pole and already taking off his clothes
Jason: [wheezing]
Damian: [confused] wha-
Dick: anyways this guy comes up to me right? He's young too. With a bad fucking hairstyle trying to hide his premature balding and comes up to little ole innocent me
Jason: [snickering] right of course. Oh so innocent little menace robin
Dick: shush. So he comes up to me who's just drinking my caprisun right? Looks me dead in the eye and without a hello or hey asks "is it gypsy with a g sound or gypsy with a j sound" and and he's completely dead serious
Tim: ...you're kidding
Dick: no no and like he had this expression that said he knew exactly what he was doing. Like he meant it as a slur. Like like- fuck it was like he researched slurs and then came to test them out and see
Jason: [wheezing] fuck- wait then what- what happened
Dick: [snorts] okay here I might have a little intense okay? But I'm still proud of little me
Jason: oh god what did you do
Dick: okay but remember what had just been said to me. I'm like 10 here and possess all the aggression a little fucker my size can possess so [holding back laughter] so like he says that shit right? And i- [wheezes]
Dick: okay okay little me looks at him, like direct eye contact and goes "I don't know is it motherfucker with a m or bitchass with a b?"
Jason: [burst out laughing] oh oh god no- no you didn't
Dick: [laughing] I did!
Jason: [hitting dick's chest] man you're like- little you is my role model fuck I love that
Tim: wait then what happened
Jason: [losing it laughing]
Dick: [clears throat] so then- Jason shut up I'm [laughs] I'm trying to finish the story
Jason: [between breaths] okay okay- wait right I'm fine
Dick: right so after that he gets mad. And is about to say or do something but my robin training kicks and I [holds back laughter] I kick him in the nuts and absolutely dip to Bruce to hide behind him
Jason: [snorts] oh god. Elite robin training
Dick: Right! Make the bad guy angry, remember you're a kid, go hide behind batman. Robin training 101
Jason: [nodding through laughs] yes yes
Dick: anyways after I'm behind Bruce who looks at me and turns from Brucie Wayne mode to batman mode thinking it's a rogue or something
Jason: little does he knows it's a racist motherfucker
Dick: [snorts] right so he asks me what's wrong and I'm half way through my explaination when the guy comes storming up to Bruce to complain that I hit him
Damian: that's stupid. The man should have run when he still has the chance
Dick: [snickers] yeah but I'm glad he didn't because half way through his half assed explaination I'm on Bruce-
Tim: wait what do you mean on Bruce
Dick: I used to climb him. I climbed Clark a lot too. I climb things. It's what I do. Anyways that's not important so halfway though this idiot's explaination I whispers in Bruce's ear "he called me a slur"
Tim: that seems like a light way to put it
Jason: [snickering, shaking his head] no no old Bruce had very little control over his emotions and he had just acquired a little kid who he got unexpectedly attached to
Dick: yeah! He would absolutely beat the shit out of any rogue that got me seriously hurt
Tim: okay so that means telling him that you got called a slur...
Dick: Bruce immediately without hesitation sucker punched this guy in the face
Jason: [laughing] that's perfect
Dick: and it's not just any punch either. It's a full on batman level punch. Bruce had to get his hand bandaged afterwards
Damian: and the disgrace?
Dick: [laughing] hospitalized. Half his teeth gone. Too terrified to even sue
Jason: [on the floor laughing] yes justice! Fuck this is what batman fights for
Comms ping Batman in
Bruce: Everyone, you've all been quiet. Nightwing report
Dick: [still wheezing, dying laughing] i- I'm fine
Bruce: wha- Red robin? What's the status
Tim: everything is fine. Wing and Hood just had a trauma dumping session and are now dying laughing
Bruce: ... I see
Dick: wait wait Bruce- [ taking deep breaths to calm down] do you- do you remember when you punch that guy at a gala for being racist to me?
Bruce: which one?
Dick: you know the one who called me a slur?
Bruce: be more specific
Jason: [cackling in the background] oh god
Tim: how often did this happen???
Dick: okay whatever forget him. What about the fake blonde who always said weird shit to me and jason
Bruce: [grimaces] right. Her.
Dick: [snorts] so much disdain in your voice
Jason: man you really hate her huh?
Bruce: I made sure to have her ruined publicly and banned from everything after the comments she made to Dick but-
Dick: she showed up again. Jason told me. How?
Bruce: [groans] really bad plastic surgery
Jason: ...you're kidding
Bruce: no. She wasn't supposed to be there any time she was with Jason. She only got in cause she got so much work done that nobody recognized her and dated anyone who was invited
Jason and Dick: .....
Jason and Dick: [immediately start laughing again, falling to the floor, wheezing]
Tim: they're at it again
Damian: this is amusing
Tim: not you too
Dick: [wheezing] sh-she came back just to- oh god she was so determined to be a bitch it's crazy [hitting Jason through laughs]
Jason: [hitting dick back] she- she really was crazy. She spent so long to get back in and and to what? Bully a little kid??? [Laughing]
Dick: It's so- this is fucking hilarious
Bruce: if nothing is wrong then I'll be disconnecting the comms now
Dick: no no! Wait i- [choked laughter] I need to know how it went down with her the second time
Jason: yeah! [snickers] please I need that image. Describe it to be, Bruce. The scene, the words, her face, your face
Bruce: ...I'm disconnecting. Goodbye
Dick and Jason: NOOOOOOOOO!
Tim: I hate joined patrol
Damian: it does always lead to some kind of mess
Tim: that's an understatement
