#barba fic

You moved closer, the bar blurring into a vignette around him. He was drinking what you knew was scotch and his hair was greyed considerably around the sides. His torso looked the same as it always had, broad and strong.

“How’s the weather out there?” Felix’s voice pulled you from your daze and Rafael looked up at you from down the bar.

“Frigid.” Your eyes locked with Rafael’s, and you felt the anger begin to mount in your chest.

“Watch the bar…I’ll be back in five.”

You stood there, a few paces down from Rafael, in the middle of the bar. You heard the familiar squeak of the hinges on the door as Felix went out to take a smoke.

The bar was empty. Just the two of you.

“That’s my seat now.” You spoke, keeping your voice strong despite your emotions pulling you every which way.

He didn’t speak. He stared at you, his eyes wide and filled with the weight of an emotion you didn’t care to identify at the moment.

“You’re gone. That’s my seat now.” You took a step forward and you saw his hands twitch on the glass he held.

“You left. That’s my seat now. That’s where I sit. It’s mine.”

He was silent but as you slowly stepped forward you could see his lips parting as if he were about to speak but they closed again. You paused and felt your hands begin to shake as your chest nearly burst with the anger and pain you felt. It was all too much.

“YOU TOOK SO MUCH FROM ME! YOU’RE NOT TAKING THIS TOO!” You yelled, your ribs shook with the force of the inhale you took after.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He spoke finally, his voice careful and almost tender.

“For which part? For what, Rafael? I need to know what you think you did, I need to know if I lost my fucking mind—if I imagined it. Did I make it up, Rafael?”

You didn’t give him a chance to answer as you placed your bag on the bar, still 8 feet or so away from him.

“Did I make this up?” You unzipped part of your bag and pulled out a small emerald green felt box.

You held it up in one hand pinched between your forefinger and thumb.

“No. You didn’t make it up.” His voice was calm and his eyes tracked from the small box back to yours.

You chucked incredulously.

“You promised me—you promised, Rafael. And you left. You left.”

“I know I—“

“YOU LEFT ME!” The straw that broke the camels back.

You could take being yelled at in court and in your firm and you could dish it right back but in this moment you felt as if you’d blown up 10x your size only to shrink just as quickly.

The two of you had met again for coffee a few days after the first night at Forlini’s, and then for dinner at a little place in the village. There had never really been a discernible moment where things turned from friendly to romantic. It just always was as it was. The comfort you felt in each other’s company had been such a pleasant reprieve from both of your busy lives.  He made time for you and you for him, and the more you got to know him you realized just how huge of a deal that was. You still remembered the swell of emotion you’d experienced when the receptionist buzzed you to let you know you had a delivery at the front desk. When you arrived you saw the most beautiful bouquet of deep orange and yellow roses you’d ever seen. There was a small card with them, clipped to a long plastic apparatus within the stems. “Dinner? - R.E.B.” Only at that moment did you register that it was Valentine’s day. You wondered at that moment if you’d ever stop smiling.

Dinner that night was wonderful, a gorgeous place on Barrow Street. The two of you laughed so much that night, god how you loved the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. When he smiled, really smiled, his whole face changed, his nose wrinkled just like his eyes. When the two of you were alone his laugh was loud, and his entire chest would shake, in public he was much quieter but that only made his face all the more expressive.

That night, on the street outside your apartment he pulled you towards him, smoothed the hair above your ear and stared at you for a few moments before pressing his lips to yours. You felt everything so intensely in that moment, the movement of the wind around you, the heat of his body through his long tan coat, but most profoundly his lips, tenderly but firmly moving against yours. You couldn’t remember the last time your heart had soared so high. Perhaps when you were a child, very, very young before anyone had the chance to harm you. Your mind felt as if it were full of static, coherent thoughts impossible to find. He pulled you into a tighter embrace, encouraged by the enthusiasm of your lips, and with his arms around you you felt as if the world could stop right then, everything could explode into fiery inferno around you and it would be alright. You were right where you were meant to be. Right there on a well worn street in New York City, in the arms of the man you loved.

You loved him.

You’d only known him for a few months but you loved him. You were in love with the way he sassed and quipped at you, the way he argued cases with you, never giving you any mercy knowing that he’d met his match in you. You loved his hair, the way it felt as it filtered through your fingers when you ran your hands through it. And his hands, god his hands. So unrelentingly masculine and strong. You loved his eyes, the deep viridian color of them so easy to get lost in. On occasion he’d catch you in a state of admiration and he’d smirk, another one of your favorite qualities.

The two of you would work late into the night, side by side on your respective projects—both at ease knowing you shared the same sentiment, separate but together. Two people as busy as you both were would find it incredibly difficult to make a relationship work. But figuring out that tandem work was an option greatly increased the time you could spend in each others company.

The first time you slept together, shockingly enough was a few weeks after your first kiss. Your relationship never felt rushed, perhaps that was because no one knew about it but the two of you. You never mentioned him to your friends, especially your work friends because it was very possible they’d worked against him in a case or two. And as you’d come to find out Rafael didn’t leave very many friendly impressions on those he went up against. In conjunction with the fact that you wanted to protect this relationship for yourself, you didn’t need anyone else’s commentary or much less their opinion. It was obvious that Rafael was a good bit older than you were but it never felt that way. There were a few moments you saw a flash of insecurity in him, mostly when you mentioned Sonny but the most prolific moment being when you were hit on in a coffee shop while picking up your order from the bar. It had been a younger guy, presumably close in age to you and quite good looking in a suit and tie. You’d dismissed him kindly but when you returned to the café table to give Rafael his coffee you could tell he was bothered. It surprised you that he felt insecure or threatened, for as far as you were concerned no one in the world could tempt you away from him.

A few nights later he’d come to your apartment for a night in, with the promise of an evening of movies and Rafael Barba hand picked bottles of wine. He’d hardly made it in the door before the two of you were at it, hands everywhere, lips everywhere.

God it was incredible. You remembered thinking “So, this is what it’s like to be truly attracted to someone.” A novel idea. So many people settle for a fragment of attraction or even less, simple appreciation, you’d certainly done so in the past. But this, this was electric, it was chemical, unbearably delicious and all consuming. The feeling of his large, heavily veined hands sliding up the skin of your thigh made your stomach spin in the most delightful way. Seeing his eyes staring up at you while his mouth made contact with your core was enough to nearly drive you mad. He hardly had to do anything at all, the concept was erotic enough, Rafael Barba, New York ADA consuming you with such unbridled desire and need.

When you returned the favor you were delighted to discover exactly what made the ADA so cocky. He was more than substantially endowed, his cock just as veiny as his hands in an amusing parallel of nature. You thought at that moment that you’d never have to give Rafael a blow “job”. Putting him in your mouth was a privilege and an irresistible pleasure. As he laid back on your cream colored sheets, his head pushed back in ecstasy, you decided that you’d spend the rest of your life giving him the greatest and most intense pleasure you could. Seeing him lost, brow furrowed and beaded with sweat like that was the most exhilarating power trip. He was such a force of nature in life, easily overshadowing anyone else in the room but here and now he was completely at your whim, moaning for you and only you. It was euphoric, seeing him wrecked, so uninhibited and breathtakingly nude laid out in front of you.

Then in a whirlwind you found yourself underneath him, his muscular arms tenting over you.

“Please…please Rafi.” That was the first time you called him that, a nickname that filled his eyes with adoration whenever you said it.

He slid the crown of his cock along your slit, teasing you while ensuring there was enough lubrication for what came next. Feeling him inch into you was exquisite, it was cinematic. As he began to thrust into you you gazed up at him, wondering if he felt as fulfilled as you did. You didn’t have to wonder long.

“Mierda, dios mio.” He moaned in a gravely low tone that sent chills through your body.

The two of you had continued that way for a while before things grew more passionate, more animalistic. It seemed as if the two of you were in a competition to convey just how much you desired the other. Rafael had lowered his head to your neck, sloppily biting and sucking along your skin. Everything was a blur, more feeling than thought. To this day you couldn’t think of anything to compare it to. It was more than fucking, it was more than making love…it was something entirely etherial and yet so grounded and tangible.

But to put it more concisely, he fucked the hell out of you. His hips drove into yours with a force that was breathtaking, a force that exercised orgasm after orgasm from you, each one a different shade and feeling. Your toes cramped from so much flexing and curling, a sensation which usually would fill you with pain and irritation, but now it only heightened the pleasure.

“Let me hear you, espléndida. Dígame, tell me how good it feels.” Rafael pulled back into a near seated position, grabbing your hips from where you laid, pulling you into him as he continued to thrust into you.

You shrieked in pleasure, the sensations and his words nearly too much to bear. He grumbled indecipherably at you, his eyes dark and filled with lust as he slid his hands up your stomach and to your breasts, kneading them harshly. That was the final card that brought down the house. You clenched around him as you’d done so many times already, but this time your body was in full view to Rafael and while fighting to keep your eyes on him you saw him lose hold of the ledge he was so desperately clinging to.

You felt his release fill you, hot and abundant. After a few shaky and shallow thrusts he stilled. After looking you over one more time he collapsed next to you, his hair smattered chest heaving and beaded with the sweat of his exertion.

“That was the most…incredible experience of my life.” The ADA panted.

You’d exhaled in agreement, your legs still shaking.

He would continue to express the same sentiment in different words every time the two of you had sex. And you believed him. Every time was better than the last, just as exciting and enthralling as that first union. The both of you were so sensitive to the others body, and you quickly learned how to drive the other wild.

The last time you’d been with him you came in his arms, seated in his lap, the both of you facing one another, as close as two people could possibly be. You didn’t know it would be the last time, and despite the grief of later knowing it had been you wouldn’t change a thing. You found comfort in knowing that the last time wasn’t sad or filled with angst and frustration, it was filled with pure eroticism.

Staring at him now, his muscular arms perfectly displayed in the fitted long sleeve shirt he wore, you were reminded of how you’d felt wrapped up in them. It reminded you how much you’d longed for them, how much you’d longed for him.

“I was wrong. I…I fucked up, Y/N. I’m sorry. Words cannot…I cannot ever tell you just how wrong I was.”

Rafael looked truly aggrieved, his eyes heavy and sullen, an expression you’d never seen him wear.

“Why?” Your voice broke, as tears you’d so long denied poured down your reddened cheeks.

He stared back at you, his mouth opened but faltered and fell shut speechlessly.

“Well I try.” There’s a moment of silence as you start packing the clothes into a suitcase. “So . . . do I ever get to meet this guy? I mean you’ve been dating for what, five months now? That’s how long Ed and I have been together and . . .” 

“And you’re fishing.” 

“You want a lawyer?” 

You stick your tongue out at her, “No.” 

“Well . . .?” 

“How about this, if he proposes, I’ll grab you in-between walking down the aisle and saying our vows to let you know who he is.” 

“Smart ass. You better tell me who he is before that.” 

“I promise.” 

You throw a few back up outfits and toiletries into the bag, before taking your suitcase to the door. You stop there, “Well, I hope you guys have a nice weekend.” 

Ed grins, as Liv wraps her arms around him, “You too.” 

Rafael is waiting for you at the side of the road. He’s dressed in jeans and a polo shirt. It’s the most casual you’ve ever seen him. The drive to the catskills is uneventful. To your surprise Rafa is quick to blast Marvin Gaye through the stereo. You’re even more surprised when Rafa automatically sings along, and you’re beyond blown away when you realize he has an amazing voice. “Where the hell did you learn to sing?” 

He laughs, “I neve learned, I’ve just always done it. I used to sing hymns with my abuelita on Sunday’s.” 

“Well you’re good, damn good. If the whole prosecutor thing doesn’t work out. You can try broadway.” 

“"Te crees muy graciosa? Sing with me.” 

You laugh, and do as he asks, despite not being the best. You make random stops at different roadside stands. You take your time getting there. It’s a drive filled with light moments, ones you know are going to be burned in your memory for the rest of your life. You check into a small cabin at around five pm. Rafa insists on bringing all the suitcases inside. You watch him from the couch. When he comes back down he plops down next to you, “I need to start working out.” 

“No you don’t, I like you just the way you are.” You snuggle up next to him, and he kisses the top of your head. 

“You’re too good to me. No te merezco.” 

You snort, “Pizza and movies tonight? And we can explore tomorrow?” 

“Sounds good to me.” The two of you curl up on the couch, start a fire, and eat pizza. That night you make love, and when morning comes you’re both quick to get started. You put on the maroon dress, black tights, and ankle boots Liv helped you pick out. Rafa stays casual in jeans, a button down, and sweater over top of that. 

The two of you drive into one of the small towns the catskills has to offer. You spend the day wandering in and out stores, enjoy a late brunch, and spend the day just enjoying yourselves. You love all the colorful leaves on the trees, and you take a number of selfies with Rafael. Despite his protests, he smiles genuinely in all of the pictures and asks you to send them to his phone. 

“If we want to make our dinner reservations, we need to head home to change.” 

When you don’t respond he turns to find you staring at his worst fear. You’re standing in front of a window that leads to an animal adoption center, “No.” 

“Rafa, please. . .” 

He laughs, “No. Not a chance. Vámonos.” 

“But he’s so cute!!!” 

His mouth opens and closes several times, “It’s a three legged dog.” 

“He needs a home.” 

“And it needs to be us? We don’t even live together.”

You shrug, “Shared custody.” 

He rubs his temples with his fingers, “And we can’t find a nice four legged dog . . . or maybe a fish.” 

You pout at him, “Rafa. . .can’t we just go in and pet him?” 

“Dinner reservations, remember?” 

“Please.” 

And in that moment Rafa realizes he’s in trouble, because he’s not going to be able to say no to you . . . ever. The two of you go in and pet the dog, and though he tries to deny it, you can see the hint of a smile on Rafa’s face. You don’t want to leave, but you know Rafa’s planned a special night.

You give one last look to the dog in the window before following Rafa to the car, “We’re not home enough for a dog.” 

“You’re not home enough for a dog.” 

He rolls his eyes, but you don’t bring it up again. It isn’t the first time you’ve wanted a dog and been denied. Liv had done it constantly through your childhood. “You’re not mad are you?” 

You roll your eyes, “Of course not. He was just a very cute dog.” 

You’ve just finished changing into your dress, and slipped on your shoes when your phone starts buzzing.

It’s an unknown number, but something in you tells you to pick up anyways, “Hello?” 

“Y/N, it’s Ed. I need you back in the city. Lewis escaped and he’s going on a rampage. Liv is . . . she’s a mess.” 

Fear floods your body, and Rafa is quick to notice. He goes to your side, and you mouth the name at him, ‘Lewis.’ He’s on his phone in a heartbeat. Who he’s talking to you don’t know, but you steal yourself. “I can be there in around three hours.”

“See you then.”  

You turn around to find Rafa already throwing clothes into the suitcases. He has you checked out in under twenty minutes, and the two of you speed towards the city. When you get to the precinct, you find your sister. Liv is a mess, she’s pleading with a man you don’t know about making a statement, her squad is trying to reassure her. Rafa is quick to confirm that any statement made contradicting her testimony would be bad.

You know there’s one thing that can get her to stop, “Code white.” 

She freezes, and turns to look at you. You swallow the lump in your throat, because her eyes are focused on you, wearing the same black dress she had helped you pick out yesterday. “You heard me.” 

For a second the worry in her eyes is replaced with softness, “I can’t believe you remember that.” 

“I was six. Mom had been gone for two days, the phone had been cut off and she came home drunk out of her mind. She was yelling and breaking things, and I made it out of the apartment. I went to the convenience store down the street and they let me call you. You were at college and had a test the next day, that you blew off to come save me. I didn’t want to go home. I was scared and refused to leave the store. 

“You sat with me for an hour and we came up with codes: Code red, I’m in trouble, code blue, I’m sad and I don’t know what to do, code purple, mom is acting up. Code white, you need to stay.” 

She nods, “We came up with code white later on. When you had just moved in with me, and you were scared about my job. Some kid had run his mouth at your school about killing cops. Code white meant you were scared for me, and I couldn’t leave until you were sure I was going to be okay.” 

“And I’m calling it now, because you’re not okay.” 

“He has a little girl.” 

“And that’s not on you. That’s on the psychopath who took her.” 

“Y/N. . .” 

“I’ll tell you who I’m dating.” 

“What?” 

“We’ll go to Forlini’s, and I’ll tell you everything. Ed can come too.” 

“I’m technically on the job right now, I’m here for IAB to make sure she doesn’t do something she’ll regret.” 

You stare at him, “Then come to Forlini’s, have a club soda, and if she tries to leave tackle her.” 

Ed rolls his eyes, and his voice thick with sarcasm says, “Wow, you should work for our crisis management team. Put on a vest.” 

You stare at the offered garment, and shake your head, “It doesn’t go with what I’m wearing. Navy blue and black clash.” 

“Lewis might come after you too. You mouthed off to him in court.” You cross your arms against your chest, “Put the damn vest on and I’ll come to Forlini’s after I make a report to IAB.” 

You take the damn vest and Amaro helps you strap it on.

As you leave you can hear the man your sister had been arguing with, “Could someone explain what just happened? Or better yet get me a list of those damn codes for the next time Benson tries to do something stupid.” 

You and Liv make your way to the bar with her security detail. The security sits near the door, while you and Liv sit in a corner. You order a soda and kick your heels off under the table. And Liv orders a glass of wine. You sit there in silence for several minutes before you say, “You remember our other rule, right?” 

“Never go to bed mad?” 

You nod, “You made it up when I was a bratty teenager, and you didn’t want me to have any regrets if something happened to you on the job.” 

 She sighs, “Give it to me. It can’t be worse than Lewis.” 

“I’ve been dating Rafael Barba, exclusively, for the past six months. We actually had our first date, the same night you and Ed had your first date.” 

She nods her head a few times, as though she’s trying to come to terms with it.  “You’re dating Rafael?” 

“Yeah.” 

She takes a sip of wine and you try to think of a way to explain. “He sees me for me.” 

Liv takes another sip, “I’m going to need more.” 

“I grew up around SVU. You raised me there. I don’t know if you guys realize it or not but you talk down to me, or at me.” 

“I’ve been trying to do better. . .” 

“And you have been, but it doesn’t erase a decade’s worth of memories or responsibilities. When Lewis took you, no one would really tell me anything. They just kept saying it’s going to be okay. Rafa didn’t. He treated me like an equal, the fact that I’m your sister got me sympathy for the situation, but he still treated me like an adult. He helped keep me calm. We hung out a few times after that, found out we had a lot in common. I asked him out, he said yes. The rest is history.” 

She downs her drink, “My baby sister, and Rafael Barba.” You sit there and let her absorb it, before she turns to you, “Wait, he was who you were with in the Catskills?”

“Yep.” 

She scrubs her hands over her face, “Bad images are flooding my brain.” 

You punch her shoulder, “I saw Cassidy NAKED in our kitchen. You can’t talk.” 

She smiles then, and you know you two are okay, “I know. He makes you happy?” 

“He makes me extremely happy. Except when he talks in Spanish and I have no idea what he’s saying. That still ticks me off.” 

“He wouldn’t be Barba if he didn’t tick you off just a little.” 

“So you don’t hate me?” 

“Nope.” 

“Rafa?” 

She smiles, and takes a sip of your drink as she hugs you, “No sweet girl. I love you both dearly. It’s why I didn’t kill him after your first date.” 

You choke, “What?” 

“Oh come on. You seriously think I didn’t know. He stayed after I left on the Lacey Unknown case. He never came back to work. I had to go to Callier for a warrant. The next day he was humming the song from that damn movie.” 

You interrupt her, “How can you not like pride and Prejudice?” 

She ignores you, “You insisted on being the one to go in and get him for drinks that night. When you started getting ready for a date, I knew.” 

You look at her wide eyed, and she leans in with a smile, “I’m a detective, remember.” 

“That means nothing, you dated Cassidy!” 

“Brian was what I needed at that time. Now text your boyfriend to meet us here, he looked terrified when we left the squad room.” 

“I think he was scared you were going to slip your detail, and confess something ridiculous on national TV.” 

Her voice is quiet, “What if it wasn’t ridiculous? What if it was true?” 

You study her then. You know she’s been in therapy, you know she depends on it now, but you can tell this is eating her alive, “What if it had been me?” 

Her voice grows thick, “What?” 

“Hypothetically. If it had been me, and I was faced with that choice in front of the jury, what would you have told me to do?” 

She bites her lip, before she very quietly says, “I thought of Elliot. I thought of what he would have done. I actually told the bastard about him. I try really hard not to think about him. I’m madly in love with Ed, I wouldn’t change him for the world, but. . .” 

You take her hand, “You worked with him for thirteen years. You spent more time with him than anyone else. If there were two people in the world who you knew had your back it was Me and Elliot. He saved your ass and you saved his. It’s natural to have wanted him in that moment. It’s natural to have wanted the one person who would have understood.

“It wasn’t romantic love Liv. I knew that. You knew that. He knew that. And Kathy knew that. He was your best friend, and it ended tragically. He may as well have died with the way he left.” 

She hesitates, “When Lewis called me, this morning, I nearly called him. I had his number dialed, I was ready to hit call, because I knew .  . . I knew he would come. I knew that together we’d find him faster, and we could end it.” 

“You didn’t though.” 

She shakes her head, “Things have changed, I’ve let more people in. I’ve found and established the foundation for a possible future. If I called him, that would have gone away.” 

“It’ll go away now, if you make that statement. You need to trust them, to get this done. Trust them, like you would have trusted Elliot. Promise me, that you won’t make that statement or go after Lewis.” 

“I’m sorry sweet girl, I can’t. . .” 

You bite your lip, and for once you wish Liv would lie to you, “I object . . .” 

“To what?” 

“This entire situation.” 

“Too late.”

You fire off a text to Rafa, and glare at your sister, “You knew the whole time.” 

“Honey, never commit murder because you can’t lie worth a damn.” Rita had said the same thing. 

You order a glass of wine, and avoid looking at your sister. Rafa comes in first. He stops right next to you and looks at Liv, “You knew?.” 

“Figured it out after Pride and Prejudice.” 

“Are you going to kill me?” 

“Only if you hurt my sister.” 

He kisses the top of your head, and your frown melts away, “Al parecer voy a vivir una vida muy larga.” 

Your sister actually answers him in Spanish, “"Eso es lo que quería oír. Además, dominar a otro DA me llevaría mucho tiempo.” 

You groan in frustration, because the two of them speaking a language you don’t know is worse than just one. Rafael’s hand settles on your back. He rubs soothing circles there as he waits for his scotch, and you slowly lean back into his arms. He wraps them around you, and you close your eyes, suddenly very tired. You hear a camera phone go off, and you crack an eye to look at your sister. 

She holds her hands up, “It was a cute moment.” 

Rafa laughs and a minute later Ed finally comes in. He shakes Rafa’s hand before kissing Liv, “She knows that you know?” 

You flip him the bird, and Liv laughs, “She came clean.” 

You do your best to distract Liv by showing her pictures of your brief trip to the Catskills. She coos over the pictures and you’re relieved to see that she might have put her thoughts to rest. When it’s closing time, the four of you head to the hotel where Liv is being kept with her security detail leading the way. Once they’re sure you’re safe, Ed and Rafa leave the two of you alone. 

You sleep in the same bed. You curl up together, and you drift off. You wake up in the morning when the sun hits your face, and you’re alone. You find your phone on the other side of the room, it’s been turned off, and your stomach sinks. 

She relaxed her fingers slightly so she could peek at owner of the voice sitting at the other end of the table. Doing so distracted herself enough that she had managed to stop the tears from falling.

Instead she focused her attention his now empty plate; a sight that pulled a heart string or two. He was indulging her; she would have to thank him at some point tonight.

Her eyes quickly traveled upwards, past his crumpled shirt and loosened tie, and finally onto his face. What she saw, entwined with the face she loved wholeheartedly, was an expression that was both alien and familiar to her.

Alien because she was certain that he had never looked at her that way in the past; familiar because when she was growing up, everyone she knew presented various versions of it. Allowing herself a few more moments to be sure; an overbearing layer of sadness filled her as her own conclusion began to settle.

It was pity.

She wiped her cheeks harshly before getting up suddenly. Determined to not let feelings of frustration take over, she grabbed her plate off the table and she turned towards the sink. But she stopped, then, and looked over her shoulder. She caught a glimpse of the pitied look once more, now mixed in with one of inquisition.

She realized then that he was still waiting for her response. Her heels turned to head over his side of the table to retrieve his plate as well.

“I told you no, Rafael- why are you bringing it up again?”

Instead of replying he held her forearm gently, not keeping her from what she was doing, but just as a form of contact.

The first of the evening, she thought to herself.

“Because I can see that it’s bothering you.”

His thumb drew a small line on her skin, and while she momentarily found comfort in it, she made the choice of cutting it short.

“What gave you that idea? I’m fine-”

She left the sentence hanging behind her, but within seconds they were both by the sink. Hovering over it as though there was something of huge interest.

“You know me better than to believe you.”

She closed her eyes in defeat before setting the dishes and turning the faucet on. She focused on the sound of the water beginning to fill the plates. Knowing full well that he was not going to let go until the conversation rendered, she began to admit to the emotions that clouded her mind.

“Alright, fine-”

She reached for the sponge and squeezed far more than necessary detergent on to it.

“I’m nervous. And scared. And worried-”

She could sense that her voice was getting louder, competing with her scrubbing and the sound of the water that continued to pour out. It was senseless, but it also brought an odd sense of relief.

“And confused- and- and I don’t know what to do.”

She tossed the sponge into the soap filled pan and placed her hands on her hips. The frustration from earlier that she did not want exposed finally drew its way out.

He moved closer, and for a second she thought he was going to hug her. While she debated if she would welcome it or not, it became evident that he was only doing it to take over washing duty.

As he rolled his sleeves up, she took a couple of steps back to give him room.

The two devoted their interest once more to the sink before he broke the silence.  

“You didn’t have to say yes if you felt this way. You can still say no.”

“I told you it’s not that simple. My grandparents- they arranged everything for him to be here. They need this.”

“Is it worth all the torment you’ve been doing to yourself the last few weeks?”

“If you knew anything about it, you would already know that my answer is yes.”

“I may know more than you think.”

She quickly turned to face her partner. Memories of arguments that almost happened resurfaced and she could not help but part her lips a little.

“Rafael, you never want to talk about him.”

He nodded slowly; almost hesitantly.

“That’s true, I don’t- Forgive my sounding defensive, but neither do you.”

She looked away, embarrassed at his words disguised as a harsh truth. When he looked over with hints of apologies painted on his face, she had no doubt in her mind that it mirrored her own.

“I just assumed you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Your assumption was right, and I had made the same one for you. The topic of our fathers has never been relevant until now. There was no reason to bring it up.”

She was quiet.

Not because she didn’t have anything to say. She did. She just didn’t know what to say first; and if she even should say anything.

It occurred to her that she was jealous. She wished she could have regarded the situation as simply as he did. That he could come home, eat her bland cooking, and wash the dishes with barely a care in the world.

While she on the other hand, felt as though the very thought of it was going to break her.

He shook the two plates and lined them on the dish rack.

“I was nine when it started getting bad. It might have even started before that but nine is the age I recall the most clearly- maybe because it was also the age I got ambitious.”

His smirk allowed for some relief of the tension that formed between the two.

“I’d be upstairs and I would hear them fighting for hours on end. Shouting. Things being thrown. Non-stop. There were many instances where I wanted so desperately to go down and do something, if not for the promises I made to my mother that I would never interfere.”

He was laughing, but there was not a single trace of humor in him.

“Looking back, I really was an idiot-” He shook his head disappointingly.

“The amount of bruises I could have prevented.”

At a loss for words at his unexpected revelation, she touched his elbow.

She dropped her hand soon after realizing that he paid no attention to her actions. He suddenly seemed truly adamant on completing the chore at hand.

When he had finished washing the last of the spoons he took the rag and wiped the water that had splattered on his arms. Afterwards he turned around and leaned his back against the counter. Looking at every other direction except hers, he continued speaking softly.  

“I had never seen him so calm than the day he finally left us. I was so sure it was going to be like one of those terrible nights; loud and dangerous.”

She kept her feet planted, resisting the urge to stop him. She wanted to listen.

“I was prepared for it- because that same night I told myself I was going to fight back. I was going to defend the woman that sacrificed everything for us. For me. I knew it was more than too late, but if I had to, I was going to do whatever it took.”

“Rafael-”

“But there was nothing. Not a sound. Nothing. He left with barely a whimper. It felt like a stranger leaving us that night. A stranger that we knew too well.”

No amount of resistance held her back any longer.

A few seconds and steps later her arms held him. She felt his pulse; the fast, harsh beat of his chest and could only hold him tighter.

“Please don’t look at me like that.”

Her eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion, but almost instantly after she felt the heat in her cheeks rise. She was guilty for giving him the same look he had given earlier.

An apology was forming in her mind, but was left unsaid.

“Your father wants to apologize, and I know a part of you does want to hear what he has to say.”

He finally returned her embrace.

“I- I’ve accepted, and honestly quite grateful for the fact that I will never have the same opportunity- but if I did, I couldn’t be completely certain of what I would do either.”

He leaned his forehead against hers.

“Let me go with you.”

It was the same request she had heard time and time again. The difference was that this time, it was a selfless plea. The same words were now associated with a newfound sincerity and tenderness. Her fears and were not lifted, and her worries were far from assuaged.

But she was now gifted with a surer sense of security that she found herself missing until now.

Hidden carefully behind a veil of very precisely calculated defenses, including, but not limited to: sarcasm, a sharp wit, and an arm’s length distance from every person in your life, especially in your workplace. Workplace romances never ended pretty, and it only made your life more complicated. Your life was already complicated enough. You hadn’t planned on violating that rule, that standard, you had set for yourself. It simply happened. A fact of life was that it was undeniably, unavoidably messy. A mess that always needed cleaning up, but sometimes the stains would never quite come out. Wasn’t this the thing that poets wrote about? How the chaos of life only made it more beautiful? Right now, it only seemed that these poets would consider you a laughingstock at the situation you had gotten yourself into. 

Eyes followed you wherever you went, the whispers would trail behind you as if you were a fire leaving ashes in your wake, and the worst thing was the judgement from the coworkers that once respected you. The slights in their speeches, the muttering you heard when you left, one intern even asked you privately how you managed to sleep your way to the top. You fired her on the spot. But the news only added fuel to the ever-growing flame, making the flames lick at your shoulders with frustration and anger. Instead of letting it weaken you, you let it temper you, like a fine sword. You wouldn’t simply dull in the face of a few difficult cuts, but instead learn to slice quicker, you glanced at Rafael who stood in your doorframe, and cleaner. 

“What do you need?” You said, not bothering to look up from your work. You didn’t need any more rumors on your hands, thank you very much. When you finally did look up to silence, you saw a stare of pity and guilt, two emotions that were unnecessary. “There’s no need for that,” 

“For what?” He said, shutting the door behind him, much to your irritation. 

“A, there’s no need for you to shut the door,” Rising from your chair, and striding over to him, pointing your finger at his face. “And, B, wipe the look of sympathy off your face, because I certainly don’t need anyone’s, especially not yours,” Your words were a reflux, you had been burned one too many times this week, and Rafael had made the mistake of walking into a dragon’s den without a shield. 

“We still haven’t discussed the other night-” 

“C,” You cut him off, walking past him to check the shades and if anyone was nearby, they weren’t, so you turned back to him. “It was only a moment, nothing more,” This was your way of taking back control. There had been so many things out of your power this week: the trial, opinions of others, the looks, the judgement, everything. If there was one thing you could control, it was that you were not going to get involved Rafael Barba. “And this is not the proper time to be discussing this,” 

“Bullshit,” You turned, mouth agape, only to met with blazing eyes as furious as you were at the moment. 

“Excuse me?” He took careful steps toward you, his head a slight tilt as he sized you up, his eyes grazing over your form, especially your expression, with scrutiny. You felt your heart kick up with every step he took, you felt control slowly slip your grasp. 

“You heard me, bullshit,” He said, a smirk on his face. “We kissed the other night, and it wasn’t an affair as Buchanan tried to make it out to be, but it was attraction, electric, passionate,” He finally stopped when there was only about an inch between the two of you. You could have walked away, you could have stepped back, and told him to get out. 

But you didn’t. 

“Was being the operative word,” You practically whispered, trying desperately to regain what semblance of control you had. “There was a moment, but not anymore.” It was true, a moment was nothing more than what is was, unless you let it be more. And taking that step wasn’t one you could afford. 

“You’re lying,” His breath was hot against your lips, the words rushed and filled with accusation. Your heart skipped a beat, as his emerald eyes narrowed. “I would know, it’s my job to,” 

“Lawyers make the best liars,” You could smell his cologne, his scent intoxicating you. “And I’m a damn good one,” To be honest with yourself, you didn’t know if you meant lawyer or liar. It was probably both. 

“They’re already judging you, and you’ve proved them wrong before, and you’ll do it again. Denying yourself isn’t going to help you control the situation, only exacerbate it. His words stunned you into submission, allowing him to continue: “But the question only is,” He licked his lips, “when are you going to stop lying to yourself?”

You locked eyes with him, your eyes scanning for any sign of hesitance, of pity, of judgement, but instead you found only raw emotion; temptation, desire, perhaps even, love? You recalled the moments you shared: the long talks after a case, the late nightcaps after successes and failures, and the comfort you provided each other. “Screw it,” You simply said, pulling him into a kiss. His body tensed for only a second, until you were met with the brunt of his passion.  

As you said, it was wrong; it was against policy; it was frowned upon. 

You knew whenever the news broke about you two, it would only turn the flames into a full-blown firestorm, but you didn’t couldn’t find the energy to care as you slipped your arms around his neck, and his wrapped around your waist, rocking your body against his. You broke the kiss, leaving Rafael frozen for a moment, as you grabbed your jacket. “We’re leaving, now,” 

“Where are we going?” 

You grinned at the eminent ADA before you, the man who had taken your control away with his mere presence, and given it back in one fell swoop. “My place,” 

It was a waste of time. You didn’t find out any more than you already knew and you hadn’t found a way to catch him in a mistake. Barba however, was still so certain that you would find a way to put the perp behind bars. You were not so sure. As you both exited the building you lost yourself in the confidence that radiated from him with every step that he made. He was mad and determined, two things that only added fuel to his already burning fire. He showed absolutely no concern for the situation at hand and you were in awe.

“Hey,” he said finally noticing you staring at him. “We will get him. I will get him.”

“Where do you get this confidence from?”

“Six cups of coffee per day with the occasional whisky.”

“Right. That’s a diet I could get used to.”

“Well it is late,” he asked after a moment of hesitation. “Does Liv want you back? We could fill our whisky quota for the day.”

You checked the time taking the opportunity to hide your face feeling your cheeks redden. Composing yourself you looked up to find him awaiting your answer. “No, I think she will be fine. I’ll just text her.”

By 8:30 you had found yourself sitting in a small booth in a bar that Barba had referred to as having ‘the best whisky in Manhattan’. You were pretty sure it was the same as any other whisky at any other bar in the city but you took his word for it. Taking your first sip he watched you intently waiting for your reaction.

“Well?” he asked.

“Yes, I can confirm. This is in fact whisky.”

“Oh you are a great detective aren’t you?”

“Why thank you,” you replied surprised by the sudden shift in banter this time around. Usually, it involved small insults at one another. Not joke like compliments.

“This is where I come after a tough case.” He raised his glass. “This helps.”

“I can feel its effects already.”

“Good,” he said taking another sip.

“Did you always want to be a detective?” he asked diving into the type of personal conversation you two rarely had.

“No actually. When I was a kid I wanted to be…” You looked up and suddenly lost all confidence in what you were saying. His eyes stared at you watching your every move waiting for a response. “It’s too embarrassing. I can’t say.”

“What is it?”

“No, I am not telling you.”

“I will tell you mine if you tell me yours,” he said smirking at the possible reveal of your little secret.

You smiled at him before finally saying, “Ok. When I was little I dreamed of being a famous actress. It’s kind of why I love living in New York.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” You covered your face unable to hide the embarrassment. “It’s so awful now because I cannot act at all. Unless it’s to go undercover but there is just something different about that.”

You glanced back at him and found him staring into your eyes. For a moment you both held each other’s eyes as a small flip turned over in your stomach. You took it as a sign for another drink, breaking the contact and indulging in the liquid.

“So do you want to know mine?” he asked as you took another sip.

“Oh right. Yes. Mr Barba what did you want to be as a child?”

He smirked at the mention of his name as he looked at you and simply said, “A lawyer.”

“Well, I guess dreams do come true.”

“Let me drive you home,” you told him. Maybe it was because it was cold and you couldn’t stand the thought of him out shivering. Maybe it was because you didn’t want him to leave. Not just yet. But you found yourself hating the idea of the night being over. It was too early to end.

“No it’s fine I can get an uber,” he resisted pulling out his phone to order the service.

“Barba,” you said snatching his phone from his hand and holding it behind your back, “it’s fine. I can drive you.”

“And be subjected to the Miss Daisy insult again?”

“I promise not to call you Miss Daisy again. I even promise to follow your instructions.”

“Ok fine. Thankyou.” He placed his hand out in front of him. “My phone?”

“Right,” you said placing his phone in his hand allowing your palm to rest over his fingertips. Your skin prickled at the contact sending shivers throughout your body. Bringing your hand back to your side, you stepped away creating space between the electricity you felt for the man standing beside you.

Arriving at his apartment you were completely aware of how your night was only seconds away from coming to an end. He was about to exit the car and leave for good. You missed him already and didn’t want him gone. You tried to think of ways to stall him. Ask him about a case? Or ask him what his favourite colour was. Anything. But your mind was blank and your lips still as no words came out. You just stared at him with your hands resting on the wheel.

Barba shifted his seat turning to look at you. “Thanks for the ride home,” he said as he gathered his things and opened the door.

Your mind was racing with all of the ways you could get him to stay inside of the car for a second longer. But nothing came out. You just watched as he stepped outside into the cold night.

“No problem,” you said silently kicking yourself for being unable to get him to stay. “Goodnight.”

Just like that, he was gone. You slouched in your seat unsure what was happening to you. It was then that you noticed it sitting on the passenger seat. Barba’s phone glistened up at you giving you one more chance. Before you even knew what you were doing you grabbed it and jumped out of the car.

“Barba!” you called just as he was about to enter his building. “Your phone- you forgot your phone.”

Just before he entered his building he stopped turning around with a smile on his face watching you race towards him holding the device out in front of you.

“Thank you,” he said as you finally reached where he was standing. “That would have been a disaster in the morning.”

Again, he held out his hand as you placed the phone over his palm. Only this time you didn’t pull your hand away.

“That wouldn’t have been good,” you said almost in a whisper. Your fingers lingered over his as you looked up to see his staring back at you. Searching for permission in his green eyes you slowly slid the tip of your fingers over the side of his hand before pulling it away waiting for his next move. You weren’t even sure if he was feeling the same desires that sat inside your stomach right now. All you knew was that you wanted more. You wanted to touch him and kiss him. You wanted his hands to explore your body in a way that no two people who work together should.

He didn’t move. He just looked at the phone still sitting in his hand. You thought that you had got all of this wrong. That maybe he didn’t feel that same fire you felt. That the next time you saw each other at work you would have to suppress the surge of embarrassment that would rise inside of you. How could you have been so stupid? How could you have messed this all up? You were about to turn around to hide from him and the entire world when he stopped you. It was subtle, but he had returned your touch with his hand now placed on the side of your arm.

“Wait,” he said looking into your eyes.

He watched for your reaction before pulling you closer to him with your body almost pressed up against his. Time stopped. Or sped up, you weren’t even sure as all you could focus on was his arm wrapped around you. The street noise became a blur in the back of your mind. It was as if all of the street lights were focused on the man’s face in front of you as everything else became dark. You looked down at his lips seeing them up close for the first time. You felt a strong desire to meet them with yours. It took you over as you leant forward almost brushing your lips against his but pausing before contact had been made. Breathing in his air you felt dizzy from his scent. Nothing else in the world existed right now except for the man holding you tight against him as he closed his eyes before connecting his lips with yours.

Before you could comprehend what was happening you opened your mouth allowing him to explore it further. His tongue played with yours and your hands came up to cup his face as you tried to get closer. It was rough and passionate and all you wanted was more. More of his kiss and touch and his body.

Finally, he broke the kiss, inhaling sharply and out of breath. You worried that maybe he had realised what a bad idea this was. How what you had just done would affect your work relationship. Your mind raced over every interaction you had just had trying to figure out where you had gone so wrong.

“Do you- do you want to come upstairs?” He stuttered pulling you out of your train of thought.

You looked back at him returning the smile on his face. “Yes,” was all you could say before you were being shown in the door and into the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed leaving you two alone in the small box your bodies had reconnected attached at the lips.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked through the many kisses you planted on his mouth. He always had been a thinker, and today was no exception. Taking the time to make sure you were happy with where your make out session was going he stopped you waiting for an answer.

“Yes, I am sure.” You kissed him again just as the elevator doors opened.

“Follow me,” he said leading you out into the hallway. You held onto his hand and followed him down to the end of the hall. Fiddling with his keys unable to unlock the door fast enough for your arousal so you impatiently started kissing him again. His fingers stopped moving as he indulged in your taste pushing you up against the door he was just trying to open.

“Open the door,” you told him with your mouth pressed against his.

“I am trying.” He pulled away. “Give me a second ok.”

Regaining control over his fingers Barba finally unlocked pushing it open behind you. You didn’t enter however as you leant in again, kissing him once more. With your bodies attached the two of you burst through in a tangle kisses and touching. Kicking the door closed behind him and pushing you up against the wall he finally allowed his hands to explore where they hadn’t before. His large hands tenderly roamed over your hips then down to your ass. He took a hold of it pressing your groin tight against his. Your hands worked their way up to his face once more before he grabbed them and pinned them over your head. Holding you tight against the wall his lips travelled to your neck sending every nerve down the right side of your body to tingle in pleasure.

You let out a moan at the sensation only fuelling your desire for more. This was the moment you had never known you wanted. All of that banter and slight flirtation had led you right here in his apartment between the wall and his body.

“Rafael,” you gasped making him tense up at the sound of his first name. With one hand still holding you in place, his hesitant fingers slipped under your t-shirt awaiting further approval. You looked at him and nodded before his shaky hand slid up your body delicately cupping your breasts in his one hand. Bringing his other hand down, he tugged anxiously at the fabric of your shirt to bring it up over your head. With your arms still in the air, he lifted it over your face throwing it behind him, before reconnecting with your breasts. He brought his lips down to your chest, exploring your exposed skin slowly with the tip of his tongue.

“I thought that whisky was meant to boost your confidence,” you said watching him play in your chest.

“You want more?” he asked looking up at you from down at your chest.

Nodding again and arching your back you allowed him to reach behind you as he unhooked your bra exposing your chest fully to his exploring hands. His mouth joined as he licked over your nipples taking both of them in his mouth, one at a time. This time it was faster and without doubt as he finally allowed himself to not be hindered by his own mind. You felt your lower half respond as your underwear quickly filled with your own arousal. A surge took over him for more, as he sped up his movements eliciting a gasp from your lips. You swiftly hooked one of your legs around his waist pulling his body tighter into yours. You wanted more, not satisfied with the clothed man pressed up against you. Your fingers worked their way to his chest pulling at the tie wrapped around his neck. He eagerly responded, helping you rid himself of the expensive silk and unbuttoning his shirt. Unhooking the suspenders hungry for what lay beneath them you rid him of his clothes before sucking on his exposed neck.

He let out a moan as you worked your way down to his chest only to be stopped by the white undershirt he was wearing. You tugged at the fabric tucked into his pants as he lifted his arms allowing you to rip it off him. Finally, you saw skin. Your hands hungrily explored his chest feeling a lot more hair than you had expected. He pressed you tight up against the wall, gently reaching for your behind and swiftly picking you up holding you against him. His groin was so close to yours with only a few layers of fabric between the two you needed to be free of them also.

“Take me to the bedroom Rafael,” you purred desperate for more.

He carried you into the master suite and threw you onto the bed watching you readily bounce back up. Removing both of your shoes he then crawled on top of you as you meet his lips with yours in a frenzy of kisses and massaging tongues. Rafael pulled back to run his tongue over your lip tracing where his mouth had just been. You felt intoxicated at his touch reaching up to take more of him. You needed more. Breathless you began tugging at his pants, to rid him of the clothed barrier that sat between you. He had the same urge, as he helped free himself while you began work of your own pants. He couldn’t wait another moment tugging and tearing them off you then the underwear from your body. He pulled them tight down your legs tossing them aside and making quick work of removing his own. He was huge. You looked down amazed at what sat before you let out a sigh for what you saw.

“Everything ok?” he whispered as he ran his hands up your leg towards your centre.

“Yes,” you whispered as you grabbed a hold of him and stroked up and down his length.

His head dipped at your touch just as his fingers stroked over your dripping slit. You were intoxicated by his touch uncertain that you could ever get enough. Using his arms he spread your legs further allowing his fingers to explore deeper just as he inserted a finger inside of you. He began pumping it in and out using his other hand to gently rub your clit. Exploring your inner walls he moved his fingers finding the spot that made you cry out in pleasure.

“Oh my god- right there,” you blurted unable to keep the sound within.

He smirked as he began playing you harder and faster. He stayed there a moment before pulling out overtaken by the urge to be inside of you. Grabbing hold of himself he stopped at your centre with a sudden thought.

“Do you want me to-“ he stuttered, “to cover up?”

“No, I am ok,” you looked back at him, “protected and clean.”

“Me too,” he said before sinking inside of you.

You both moaned out in pleasure as you took in his full length. He allowed a moment to adjust before then slowly pumping in and out of you. It was intoxicating as you wrapped your legs tight around his body. Using your hands you grabbed at his muscular frame scratching at the skin which covered his shoulder blades. You matched his thrusts with your own causing you both to grunt loudly. It was almost animalistic the way you both went at it in his bedroom. Before long you felt him tense up and looked up at him to see a strained look on his face.

“Let go,” you gasped, “come for me.”

“But I am-“ he said through loud pants and moans, “waiting-for-you.”

“It’s ok,” you cried out, “we have all night.”

It was then that he came, filling you up and moaning at the pleasure that took him over. Slowly he came to a stop pulling out of you and looked down with slight embarrassment.

“Don’t worry,” you reassured him as he moved to your side, “I know we aren’t done.”

“What can I do?” he whispered regaining his breath.

“Fingers? I loved that.”

“Can I use my tongue?” he asked anticipation written all over his face.

You saw the excitement in his eyes, making you blush. “Yes.” 

Kissing you once on the lips he worked his way down your body. Stopping at your nipples he took each one into his mouth making them grow in arousal. Excited by his destination he ventured down to find you still dripping in desire.

He worked his tongue along the side of your lips breathing over your centre but not making contact. You looked down at him to find him staring back up at you and smirking at your response.

“Don’t tease,” you growled just before he delved in parting your lips with his tongue.

It was intense and you could already feel the tension building within you. As he licked over your clit your toes began to curl in response. He then took a finger quickly inserting it inside of you and pulling it up to the top wall finding the spot you loved so much.

“Yes-“you cried out, “keep going.”

He knew what he was doing was working as your hands came down to run through his thick hair. His free hand came up to work your nipples while he added a second finger inside of you. You were dripping out onto the bed now but he wouldn’t stop, taking it as a sign for more. The pleasure was intense as your body began to shake from the sensations that were building within. You entire clit began to pulse as the tension only built up, causing you to cry out in the need for release.

“Fuck yes-“you jerked, “Rafael I’m…”

The orgasm rocked your body as time slowed down to an almost standstill pace. He worked you through it until it came to an end, tasting and licking every drop you gave him. Finally, he removed his fingers from inside of you and worked his way up your body to meet your eyes. Resting to your side he kissed your neck just waiting for you to come back down to earth.

“That was amazing,” you whispered still unable to find your voice. He watched as you started to regain feeling in your body gently caressing your side with his fingers. For the first time that night it was soft and intimate. You looked into his eyes as his forehead came to rest on yours. You began to feel a new sensation in your stomach. This one wasn’t like the sensation you had just felt but a more emotional one. You wondered if maybe he felt it too as you lay there in his arms.

Finally, you had feeling in your body once more, so you rolled over on top of him kissing down his jaw and neck.

“You know,” you teased, “I can go again if you can.”

He looked back up at you with a smile on his face. “It might take a little work,” he whispered with a hint of embarrassment in his voice.

“I can do that,” you said as you lifted yourself from his body and worked your way down to his lower half.

“You don’t have to-“ he stuttered just as you took him in your mouth tasting yourself on your own tongue.

He wasn’t quite back to full size so you licked and sucked feeling him grow in your mouth. Reaching up to cup his balls you heard a loud moan escape his lips. Using his sound as encouragement you worked your way up and down his length with your lips. Taking him down harder you looked up to see him staring up at the ceiling in pleasure. You didn’t exactly know what he liked so you decided to experiment a little. Very gently, you used your teeth to scrape along his shaft which only made him moan louder. You loved the reactions coming from his lips that you wanted to see how far you could go. Removing him from your swollen red lips, you planted sloppy kisses down the side of his cock almost making out with it.

“Fuck-“ he growled swearing for the first time in your presence. You took him back in your mouth feeling him clench at your touch. “If you want to-“ he tried through his heavy breathing, “-if you want to go again you need to stop now.”

You pulled up making a loud popping noise with your mouth. “Ok,” you said as you climbed your way back up his body. Needing to feel him inside once more, you hovered over him with your hands sprawled over his chest. He watched in awe as you sat above his body. Slowly you sunk down taking him inside of you. The new sensation caused you to both moan loudly once more. Slowly you started to rock your hips making his cock disappear deeper inside of you. As you rode him your breasts bounced with it making him reach up and grab them in his hands. This time it was slower and less urgent as you both took the time to appreciate the other’s body. He began to thrust up into you hitting spot that caused a falling feeling inside of your whole stomach. Removing one hand from your breast he took it to your clit rubbing circles over it just as you cried out loudly.

“Rafael-“you cried throwing your head back at the pleasure that ran through you.

“Together,” he groaned, “can you come with me?”

“Maybe,” you responded trying to manoeuvre your body to find the right spot. “Change positions?” you growled as you lifted yourself from him and sat up. You rolled onto your back pulling him on top of you sighing when he entered you again. You rocked your hips up to take in more of him as he reached for your clit. You wanted nothing more than to come with him and worked to make that happen.

“How can I-?” he grunted as he slapped in and out of you.

“Faster,” you cried out as he sped up, “and harder.”

Just then he hit you at a new pace sending a new jolt of electricity through your body. You dug your nails into his back and wrapped your legs around him tight as the tension built up in the pit of your stomach. He grabbed your arms with his holding them above your head as he dived into you harder.  You were not going to last much longer at this pace so you cried out letting him know that you were almost ready. It was then that your legs began to shake and your inner walls tightened. He came inside of you for a second time that night just as your body dissolved into pleasure beneath him. You both held onto each riding out each other’s orgasm. When you both finally calmed he kissed the top of your forehead before pulling himself out of you.  All you could do was lay there as your body was unable to move. He sank next to you staring up at the ceiling reliving what you had both just experienced.

“That was incredible,” he whispered almost inaudibly.

“I know,” you replied in the same tone.

You thought over what had just happened in your head. It had been some of the most incredible sex you had ever had yet you felt nervous about what was to come. Had it been a mistake? Had you just ruined everything for your career in one stupid night of passion?

“You know-“ he said, “At work, we should just keep this between us.”

“That’s probably for the best,” you answered unsure as to what he was thinking. You started to feel a sinking feeling in your stomach completely opposite to what you had felt only a few minutes prior.

“And if this,” he gestured between the two of you as he sat up against the bedhead, “if this was only a one-night thing, that’s ok.”

Your heart sunk. You sat up next to him ready to grab your stuff and leave. What had you just done? He didn’t want it to happen again. Of course, he thought it was a mistake. It was stupid and a bad idea and he was much smarter than that. “Yeah,” you muttered slinging your knees over the side of the bed ready to move away, “maybe that’s for the best.”

Just as you were about to stand and find your clothes you felt a hand on your shoulder. “But-“ he kissed you next to where his hand lay, “I wouldn’t mind if it was something more.”

You turned to look at him hoping to find his true intentions in his eyes. It was one of kindness and adoration not that of a man only interested in another quick fuck. You kissed him on the lips feeling him sink at your touch.

“I would like that too,” you whispered.

You’d visited Rafael a couple times at his office hours after the close of the business day and both times you’d seen how on edge it made him. Though you could see he was happy to have you there, he was paranoid, every sound the old building made had him tense, his eyes darting to his office doors.

You’d heard countless stories about Olivia Benson and her squad at SVU and despite Rafael’s insistence that they drove him mad you could tell they were important to him. They were more than a team, they’d become family.

Rafael’s mother, Lucia, called him on occasion when the two of you were together and in spite of yourself you found your heart sinking every time he said he was working late rather than cuddled up on the couch with you. It had started to hurt, every opportunity to acknowledge your relationship passing by in what seemed like increasing frequency. You’d find yourself awake in his bed late at night thinking, wondering, if what you had with him was real. When he held you, when you made him laugh, when he was inside you, it felt real. But every moment that passed in between filled you with doubt.

Half a year had gone by when he told you he loved you. You’d been cooking dinner in his kitchen, one that was sparse and rarely used when he’d looked up at you from where he sat at the bar and sighed.

“What is it?” You’d asked, assuming he’d forgotten about something at work.

“I love you.” He’d stated, eyes soft and filled with genuine sincerity.

You’d stopped your prep work, your heart hammering so hard you felt it in your fingertips.

“I love you.” Rafael repeated, a tender smile working its way up his lips.

It had been a couple months since you’d realized you loved him but you’d never said anything, terrified of scaring him away.

“I love you too, Rafi.” You found your voice, but it was mingled with a heavy emotion that you found difficult to name.

Your eyes were brimming with tears when he rounded the bar to stand in front of you. He’d taken your face into his hands much as he had before your first kiss and repeated his sentiments before kissing you with a surprisingly delicate passion. Two perfect teardrops had fallen from your eyes, skipping down your cheeks to where your face met with his.

But the euphoria that moment had brought you was short lived. The worst had been when the two of you were out at the movie theater, planning to see a showing of an old French film when Rafael spotted Olivia Benson and her son entering the building headed toward theatre 4 where there was a showing of Despicable Me 3. He’d dropped your hand instantly, watching her carefully as the pair walked across the busy lobby. Olivia had been too busy smiling at whatever her son was saying to notice the slightly panicked Rafael. You had stood there for a few moments before turning and walking out of the theatre.

You’d made it to the intersection before Rafael caught up with you. The swell of embarrassment had rolled from your stomach to your chest and now you were close to tears. Reflecting on the feeling of him dropping your hand made you nauseous.

“Y/N, I’m sorry—I’m sorry I just—I wasn’t expecting to see Liv. I didn’t want to—“

“What? Be seen with me? What is it, Rafael?” You had started to cry but the lawyer inside you was ready to fight.

“I didn’t want to explain—I don’t want to have to explain myself to her, to anyone and…” He trailed off his eyes moving over the scenery around the two of you instead of giving you the eye contact you wanted.

“What’s there to explain? You’re out with your girlfriend, your partner, whatever. Millions of people do it every day.”

“I haven’t told anyone—“

“Believe me I know, I know you haven’t told anyone about us. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“Since when does it matter what other people know and don’t know?” His tone was incredulous and you couldn’t help but scoff.

“It does matter, but it’s never made me feel this way until two minutes ago when you shirked me off as if I were a leper.” Perhaps that had been a bit much, but it was the way you felt.

“Christo, dios mio! Are you serious?”

“You know what, Rafael I am serious. And until you can decide if you’re serious, about me...about us, I’m done.” The second those final words left your lips you’d turned to walk away.

He’d caught your arm, but you’d shot him a look, a venomous one despite the tears streaming from your eyes. Rafael Barba wasn’t one to back down from a fight but he let you go, and go you did.

By the time you got home you were filled with mixed emotions, still dizzy with the anger you felt, sick with then thought that he may never speak to you again. You cried on your couch for a few minutes before deciding to distract yourself with some work. You drafted a set of interrogatories, then an answer and then a memorandum for summary judgment before finally checking your phone.

5 missed calls…Rafael.

Your phone had been on silent in preparation for the film you’d intended to see. Your thumb hovered over the call back button for a few moments before you heard a buzz on your intercom. The walk to your foyer seemed like miles instead of feet. Was he here to end things with you? Or worse, would you make up only for him to continue to hide your relationship? Either way you had to know, you had to draw a line under this somehow.

You buzzed him up and within moments he was out of breath at your door. He must have jogged up every flight of stairs, skipping some as he went.

“I can’t lose you.” He breathed, his emerald eyes glistening with the beginnings of tears.

“Raf…”

“I can’t. I love you, I do. I know I’ve fucked this up, mierda, I know. I’m sorry. I love you, just please…please.” You’d never heard him speak this way, so uninhabited and free from the audacity he used to distance himself from intimacy.

He moved towards you and you took a step back, allowing him into your apartment. You closed the door behind him and locked it.

“What are we doing, Rafael? What are we doing, baby?” You were nearly as breathless as him, though yours was caused by emotional exhaustion rather than physical.

“I don’t know, querida. All I know is that I love you, and I’m desperate for everyone to know but I’m…I’m scared, I’m terrified.”

“Of what? What they’ll say?”

“No…I’m…I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want…if I admit it to someone else, if I admit that I’m happy that I’m—that I’m whole, I’m scared I’ll lose it. I’m scared I’ll lose you.”

You were in disbelief, shocked at this blatant display of vulnerability from a man who rarely exposed how he was truly feeling about anything. It was always a quip or sarcastic tirade, never such a heartfelt outpouring.

“Why would you lose me?”

“I’m sure I’ll do something, say something—I mean, Christ...I almost lost you tonight over my own stupidity.”

“Raf, that’s the risk of any relationship, but you risk it more when you don’t communicate these things, I was certain…”

“What?”

“I…I thought you were embarrassed of me, my age, me being in law school…me not being who other people would imagine or expect you to be with.” Honesty. Raw honesty.

“I’m so sorry I made you feel that way, I can’t deny that I’m overly aware of our age difference and sensitive to how others might perceive it but...I’m…Y/N…I am so lucky to be with you. I still don’t understand how or frankly why you put up with me. You’re right, I’m insecure about a lot of things, I am scared of what people would think, what judgments they’d make. But, on the whole, I’ve never felt this way, this…strongly, about anyone.” His confession was a little shaky, emotion still heavy on his voice.

The two of you had talked all night, expressing every one of your doubts, worries and concerns. You fell asleep still fully clothed, head against his chest, body wrapped in his arms.

“Why, Rafi?” You repeated, your voice softer still.

“After everything…after my last case as ADA…I was sure you’d leave me. I felt my world crumble around me, everyone’s shock and disappointment. I…I just couldn’t bear it.”

“So you left me?”

“I left everyone, Mami, Liv…New York.”

“You left me.” You let that sink in for a few moments before continuing.

“You left me, Rafael. You promised me forever, you promised me we’d be partners. And you left me alone. Nothing but a voicemail that you’d left the city. I called you every day for a week.”

“I know.”

“Why are you here? Why now?”

“I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried to forget, I’ve drank myself to the bottom of so many bottles trying to drown the regret but I can’t. I can’t live without you.”

“Raf.”

“If there’s even a chance, the smallest chance, I had to know. If you could ever forgive me, I…I have to know.”